Depression and Riding

[phoenixrises]

This is supposed to be “our year” and I often can’t get myself out of the car. I’ll tell my husband i’m going to the barn, and I do I get there and then I’m sobbing and I can’t get out of the car and I go home. I’m on drugs, but obviously not getting me through the worst of it. Horses have ALWAYS been my sanity. The place I go when I’m feeling low the place I want to be when I need a shoulder to cry on, and they aren’t right now. My mare is fabulous we had a tough year last year with her illness and an injury, I was diagnosed with some long term but not life threatening illnesses, but things are on the up and up. Seriously, my life is good. I have a wonderful husband who’s retiring from the army after 22 years, two great kids who are doing great in school, my dream horse, just landed the job I’ve wanted for 20+ years. On paper I am who people want to be and some days it takes everything just to get out of bed.

I’m not asking for sympathy (really I’m not), and I am working with a professional, but I just want to know, am I alone? Do other people go from having their horse be their sanity, to being the one that causes anxiety (through no fault of her own). How the heck do I give myself a break, because every time I dont’ ride I beat myself up, I’m failing her she should be fit and doing 1st working on 2nd and we can’t canter a 20m circle…

I sound crazy but really needed to just put it on paper. I’ll probably delete it later but I needed to just say it.

[normandy_shores]

You don’t sound crazy at all. It’s ok to not be ok.

Your horse doesn’t care if she’s doing 1st level or 2nd level or what, as long as her basic needs are being met. You are definitely not failing her, you’ve seen her through illness and injury.

Have you tried different medications? It can take a while for them to kick in, and to find the right medication for you. Are you working or signed off? Next time you go to the barn, don’t make it to go ride. Just go to visit your horse, check on her, maybe groom. Take the pressure off and you might find yourself wanting it more.

[Shagyas_Rock]

Are you working with a therapist skilled in the use of cognitive behavioral therapy? Studies/statistics seem to indicate that psych meds alone are only about 45% effective; therapy can help a great deal. This modality helps the client to identify chronically negative belief systems, distorted perceptions, and automatic negative thoughts, and to offer more realistic ways of viewing yourself, others, and the world.
I sincerely hope that you feel better soon.

[Pocket_Pony]

I’m sorry you are going through a rough period. I, too, have been there. I also beat myself up for not being “where I should be” with regard to my riding. Some days I don’t even want to ride and my barn is 200’ from my house. When I give myself permission to only do what I want to do, then I feel better. Or when I work on stuff that other people probably don’t think is interesting or important but allows me to develop my relationship with my horse or really observe and work on patterns of movement, well it is all useful even if it isn’t preparing to go to the Olympics.

I know it is easier said than done, but give yourself a break.

Might you be peri-menopausal? I found that my life/focus/interests/commitment/competitiveness/priorities shifted around that time for me.

Hugs to you and even if all you can do is groom your horse and cry into her neck…if that makes you feel better, then do it.

[SendenHorse]

I’m sorry, riding is such a passion that it can bring up such complex emotions.

I find mindfulness helpful- accepting the moment as it is with out telling a story about it, or adding so many emotions and projections.

Do you live where it’s winter? it’s a very hard time of the year- many of us struggle with motivation even with out depression! take care of yourself, thanks for sharing your post. I know you are not alone!

[phoenixrises]

@SendenHorse

I’m sorry, riding is such a passion that it can bring up such complex emotions.

I find mindfulness helpful- accepting the moment as it is with out telling a story about it, or adding so many emotions and projections.

Do you live where it’s winter? it’s a very hard time of the year- many of us struggle with motivation even with out depression! take care of yourself, thanks for sharing your post. I know you are not alone!

I do wonder if SAD may be part of it. I live in the far north near Ottawa (but in NY) we get very little daylight and the weather has been bitterly cold. Now that we have a string of days in the 20s though I don’t feel any more motivated to do anything. I might talk to myu Dr. and see if a light helps. I already take a VIT D supplement so those levels are ok.

[joliemom_again]

How long have you been on your current medication? Many take a week or two to become effective, and your psychiatrist will usually combine the antidepressant with an anti-anxiety during that period. If you’ve taken then current antidepressant for a longer period, call you doctor and tell them it’s not working. If you’re working with your family practitioner, you may ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who can help target the type of medication that works for you.

Believe me, there’s no need to feel like this. #voiceofexperience

[Sue_B]

I do not suffer from depression but there are times when I find it mentally difficult to go out and ride my horses. They are at home so often my only excuse for not riding revolves around weather. In the past, there have been times when anxiety about “not riding well enough” has caused me to think i shouldn’t ride at all. My solution to those horrid thoughts has been to go out, catch them, all the while telling myself “I’ll just brush them a bit and give 'em some treats. I’m not going to ride today even though I have my breeches on.” Invariably, I wind up tacking them up and going for a ride. Sometimes, it’s just down the road for a stroll, other times I wind up doing a great schooling session. It’s simply a matter of taking the pressure off myself to perform and knowing I’ll be happier for just sitting on them. Every January, I make plans to show, but I allow myself to change my mind if finances or life circumstances don’t support the time and effort that goes into showing. The last 2 years, i have not shown at all. Sometimes my horses may not get ridden for weeks at a time even! This year I plan to do a couple event derbies with 1 horse and dip my toe into 3rd lvl with the other horse. We’ll see…

My low stress/low expectation way of dealing with my horses has resulted in a very green but very happy, 6yr old WB goofball and a 12 yr old 3rd lvl TB who is as happy in the sandbox as he is playing out in the countryside. I broke and trained both myself (the 12 year old was purchased as an unbroke 6 year old), I have access to a coach when I need/want one. I have a full-time job, a husband, a very active teenager, and an 87 year old mom who suffers from SAD to take care of; so I have plenty on my plate. I make it a point to live in the moment and focus on the things that bring me joy, such a doing things with my kid, volunteering for various organizations, helping others see joy in their lives. Life is hard, but oh so worth it. Give yourself a break, you are doing just fine by your mare.

[MissAriel]

You are not alone. I too struggle with depression even though, like you “On paper I am who people want to be” and it is still hard to function at a basic level. I think there are more of us out there than you would imagine because there is so much stigma around depression and other mental illness. You are not alone at all.

Some things that have made improvements for me (no majik bullet, but noticeable, positive changes):

1. Cognitive behavioral therapy. It was hard work, but very worthwhile to go through the process
2. Finding the right medication. This is a long process for some people and can be so hard, because it really is a “trial and error” approach. I tried 4 different meds and various dosages over many years before I found the one that works best.
3. Setting lower expectations around some things, like the horses. As others have said - your horse doesn’t care what level she’s working. Go out and spend an hour just grooming her. Or hand grazing. Or giving her a massage. Or a trail ride. Some of this lowering expectations goes with the CBT.

Hang in there, and feel free to PM if you want to chat more.

[HorsefaceDee]

i have had the same problems…I started on CBD oil and it has changed how i feel dramatically.

[Samantha37]

You are so not alone. I have bipolar disorder (type 2 - more depression than mania) and often find it hard to get to the barn because I want to hole up in my house and sleep.

Everyone has given you great suggestions. Therapy is crucial - and finding the right therapist is important. A few years ago I was working with someone who was perfectly nice but we just didn’t click and I got nothing out of our sessions. If you aren’t getting something out of your sessions, you may want to try other therapists.

It also sounds like your meds are not properly adjusted. I would talk to your doctor ASAP about what is going on.

For me, anytime my horse is lame, or ill, or anything, I basically go into a full blown depression. He has recently had some shoeing-related lameness (my fault - moved barns, tried the new barn’s farrier and he screwed my horse’s feet up) and I have been SO depressed the last month plus while waiting for my horse’s feet to grow out enough to get a proper shoeing.

My therapist and I recently talked about self-compassion and I found it very interesting. I am a very compassionate person when it comes to others, but I hold myself to impossible standards and therefore beat myself up when I can’t reach those standards. It was basically the golden rule but put back on myself: if I wouldn’t say it to a friend, I am not going to say it to myself. If my friend was struggling and having issues at the barn, I would never in a million years tell her to suck it up and/or give her grief. I would tell her it is OK to struggle and suggest lowering expectations. Like instead of riding, maybe you just go hang out with your horse in its stall or hand graze it. Be kind to yourself.

Good luck, hang in there - it will get easier. Winter sucks for depression! Feel free to PM me at any time if you want to chat.

[Raincityrider]

So sorry to read your post. I have no great suggestions as it sounds like you are in good hands medically, only a reminder to be kind to yourself and that many, many people experience episodes of depression. I’m willing to bet, at any given time, a number of us could write a very similar post. You are definitely not alone and depression is beatable once you find what works for you. I really hope you feel better soon.

One thought though…my experience with depression was really exacerbated by hormonal wackiness. It might be worth it to have your levels checked if you have not already done so.

[FatCatFarm]

Sounds like SAD is definitely compounding problems for you. I think we as horse owners who also want to challenge ourselves with competition, often heap a ton of guilt and expectation on ourselves, and particularly at this time of year, it can be SO STINKING HARD!!! to compromise those things or just let them go and give ourselves a break because we are goal oriented and this process and owning horses is so expensive that we feel like we must go and do!

Sounds like you just need to give yourself a break. Process what’s bothering you. Take baby steps. Get one of those lights that supposed to help with SAD. It gets to me every year too. I find I’m tired and cranky and listless. I want to go to bed as soon as the sun goes down. Hang in there, Spring and warmer weather are not that far away. Take care and be kind to yourself.

[Junebug125]

100% not alone.
Depression and stress definitely exacerbate my existing riding anxiety and vice versa. I’m fortunate to be in a low-pressure barn environment with a saintly horse, but I’ve still had to work hard at taking the pressure and riding expectations off of myself. Some days I just feel like grooming or walking on the trail…my only rule right now is to do whatever brings me some peace that day, whether it’s taking a lesson or cleaning my tack. There’s no wrong answer.

[crthunder]

You are definitely not alone on this train. I have found on days where I just can’t summon energy to ride (more often when it is cold) I find I can make myself “happier” or at least less sad by just cleaning Red’s stall or tack and combing out his tail. I am sure I’m a bigger mess internally than I let on because by profession I have to be “on” all the time but it gets exhausting. If you want to chat/message PM me on FB Hugs!
B

[Hopeless]

This time of year life is difficult for me. I don’t know if it is just the “winter blues” or what but I seem to always get sad right around now.

When I have unmet expectations of myself and my horses I do get down. So I would not say the horse causes the stress, but the expectation I put on myself to do this or that. Looking back there are a ton of different decisions I wish I had made in order to meet the goal of enjoying my horse. I have come to realize that what I really want is to be with my horse (when I get one again) and have fun. If I go to a show for fun, so be it. If I never do anything other than learn how to make fancy braids and take Jr. (name I give given my imaginary new horse) for walks. So be it. As long as I am having fun. After all I am past the age that I am going to be a professional rider.

[rockonxox]

You are not alone. Depression can happen to anyone no matter how amazing things look on the surface. There have been times where I’ve just gone into the stall and bawled my eyes out and then left and gone home. That was all I could get myself to do. You are already working with your doctor and making sure to talk to somebody is such an important aspect in overcoming depression. If you are feeling forced to go and aren’t getting fulfillment/enjoyment it is absolutely okay to take a break from riding and the barn if you need to. If all you can muster is to go and feed your horse a mint there is nothing wrong with that.

I hope things get better for you soon. And remember, your horse doesn’t care if you are doing a perfect dressage test or just hanging out together… those are human goals. Try not to be too hard on yourself about that… and if you think it would help to have someone else work with her for a little bit, if there is a lesson program, maybe you can find a good fit for a rider to keep her in shape for the time being. It might take some worry/pressure off of you. I know it can be hard to let someone else ride your horses though!

[Cat_Tap]

I suffer from SAD syndrome also. For the last few winters I have decided that I am not even going to try to ride. I keep telling myself come spring I will get back to it full blast and make up for lost time. I do have my horses at home so I do have contact with them daily. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to get up to feed and turn out which is probably what I would do if it wasn’t for the horses. I am earnestly going to look into the “light therapy”.to see if it helps.

[BigMama1]

@phoenixrises

This is supposed to be “our year” and I often can’t get myself out of the car. I’ll tell my husband i’m going to the barn, and I do I get there and then I’m sobbing and I can’t get out of the car and I go home. I’m on drugs, but obviously not getting me through the worst of it. Horses have ALWAYS been my sanity. The place I go when I’m feeling low the place I want to be when I need a shoulder to cry on, and they aren’t right now. My mare is fabulous we had a tough year last year with her illness and an injury, I was diagnosed with some long term but not life threatening illnesses, but things are on the up and up. Seriously, my life is good. I have a wonderful husband who’s retiring from the army after 22 years, two great kids who are doing great in school, my dream horse, just landed the job I’ve wanted for 20+ years. On paper I am who people want to be and some days it takes everything just to get out of bed.

I’m not asking for sympathy (really I’m not), and I am working with a professional, but I just want to know, am I alone? Do other people go from having their horse be their sanity, to being the one that causes anxiety (through no fault of her own). How the heck do I give myself a break, because every time I dont’ ride I beat myself up, I’m failing her she should be fit and doing 1st working on 2nd and we can’t canter a 20m circle…

I sound crazy but really needed to just put it on paper. I’ll probably delete it later but I needed to just say it.

You’re not the only one, far from it. My horse is both a cure for my depression and often a cause for my
anxiety. I had a panic attack in the barn, burst into tears and refused to ride in my lesson because there was some construction work going on and I was convinced my horse would spook and kill me. (My partboarder rode him instead and he didn’t bat an eyelash). I felt like such a total failure and it took my back to years ago where my anxiety was so crippling I couldn’t even sit on my horse at a standstill with someone holding a lead line.

I never stopped going to the barn though. He was the shiniest horse in the world! I groomed him for hours, lunged him and just hung out.

Take me the pressure off yourself. Spending time with your horse is what’s important, especially if it makes you feel better. There are no rules or timelines around what you HAVE to do with him, including riding.

All that being said, make sure your doctor knows what’s going on so you can look at adjusting your dosage or medication type, and / or trying different types of therapy that may help manage your symptoms better.

[AltersAreUs]

@BigMama1

You’re not the only one, far from it. My horse is both a cure for my depression and often a cause for my
anxiety. I had a panic attack in the barn, burst into tears and refused to ride in my lesson because there was some construction work going on and I was convinced my horse would spook and kill me. (My partboarder rode him instead and he didn’t bat an eyelash). I felt like such a total failure and it took my back to years ago where my anxiety was so crippling I couldn’t even sit on my horse at a standstill with someone holding a lead line.

I never stopped going to the barn though. He was the shiniest horse in the world! I groomed him for hours, lunged him and just hung out.

Take me the pressure off yourself. Spending time with your horse is what’s important, especially if it makes you feel better. There are no rules or timelines around what you HAVE to do with him, including riding.

All that being said, make sure your doctor knows what’s going on so you can look at adjusting your dosage or medication type, and / or trying different types of therapy that may help manage your symptoms better.

THIS! Take the pressure off. Your pony doesn’t care if all you do is stop by and feed her treats and cry in her mane. In fact, if she’s anything like my mare, she’d actually prefer that to work.

After getting bronced off my youngster, it took me a long time and a lot of pep talks to get back up there. When I did, I did the “yay me” for every little thing. “Yay me I hopped on (even if I didn’t go anywhere and my friend was holding her).” “Yay me, we walked for 10 minutes.” “Yay me, we trotted for the first time in months.”

It sounds stupid and you’ll feel silly doing it but throw yourself a mental party every time to do something, even a little thing. “Yay me, I fed that apple to Ms. Mare before I left, tears & all.” It helps put a stop to the guilt trips.