Depression and Riding

[Abbie.S]

OP, I hope you will understand how I’m intending this, because it’s sometimes hard to convey kindly in person let alone the interwebz.

I try and always, always keep in the forefront of my mind that every interaction I have with a horse must carry the intention to leave the animal better off than it was when I showed up. If I can’t muster the strength to do that on a given day, I don’t ride the horse. Or, I do something that is low-key but beneficial to the animal and doesn’t require maybe the focus or coordination that riding might. I say this as someone who also struggles with depression - BTDT and bought every souvenir in the gift shop, so to speak. So there’s not a thing wrong with showing up at the farm, petting your horse and leaving if that is what you can muster. The horse will be better off for it than they will by your trying to work through things while also attempting to get something done with them.

But if you are finding that the horse is your go-to happy place, the only place where you feel you can find some peace or sanity…well, you’re doing it wrong. You’re doing it wrong in the sense that it’s worth taking a look at the rest of your life and trying to determine why it is that the barn is your solace. Why can you not find peace in other areas? What does that say about your priorities or how you’re focusing you’re energy? I mean this in the kindest terms possible as someone who also had to examine why I was another one of those women that felt this way, because it’s so, SO common. It’s so common we say it and don’t even think about what it really means.

It sounds like you are making steps to take care of yourself - depression can be a long road to hoe but in my experience it does get better. Hugs to you.

[merrygoround]

Phoenix-Please, stay with it, and us. Make your health care specialist know that things are not working. And any day that you can force yourself to get out of the car, even if it is with tears streaming, do it. Go to your horse. Give her a pat, try to gather your strength to get on. Just ride, and feel the motion. I know, the last weeks have not been hacking weather, and indoors are enough to make anyone cry.

We understand.

[peedin]

You are not alone. Four years ago I went through the Triple Crown of Death (both brothers and my horse within 3 months). I sunk into depression that I only climbed out of with therapy and meds. I was lucky in that I found the right meds the first time. I still have funks. I go to the barn because that is my social life, my happy place. My horse doesn’t care if she gets ridden. Sometimes I go to the barn and don’t even see her. I just like to hang out there. And sometimes when I ride I just walk on a loose rein in a straight line because Ariel doesn’t care if she gets ridden in a 20 meter circle.

I think talk therapy (specifically cognitive behavior, where you look at your behavior in a different light and work on changing it because changing your behavior changes your brain) may be your best bet, along with antidepressants. I truly believe depression is a chemical imbalance, and telling yourself that you shouldn’t be depressed only compounds the problem.

[drafting_dots]

Just here to commiserate on the anxiety. I was actually thinking about starting a post about this just yesterday.

I find myself constantly having to remind myself to step back from it all. I’ve always struggled with health-based anxieties in myself and now am starting to feel like I’m Munchausen-ing my own horse.

I used to keep a training journal that I thought would be fun and helpful, but now it just stresses me out thinking about every minor tiny little thing and what horrible disease or injury it might be. My first horse was barely riding sound when I bought him (in hindsight, really unscrupulous seller who knew he had issues and took advantage of first time horse buyers) and it apparently really traumatized me. I’ve already spent $$$ on vets (all of them saying I have a lovely and sound horse) and am about to start a round of ulcer medication that I’m now even doubting will solve the problem and just lead to more anxiety about money AND horse health.

Anyway, many of us have issues and you’re not alone

[doctordarling]

I suffer from depression too and have been on a admittedly small amount of medication for about twenty years. The stables are my happy place - but there have been times when I have been extremely down - I have just gone and sat under a tree in his field and watched my horse graze, cried, and gone home, feeling better! (this is Australia, we can do this kind of thing without dying of exposure, but sunburn can be a problem!).

I have a very empathic stables owner where I agist - and she will sometimes see when I’m screwing up my courage to ride when not really in the mood and say ‘just don’t, take him for a walk instead’. Because if something goes wrong when your feeling fragile and inept, then the whole situation spirals. Its usually stress over my writing spilling over and poisoning my ‘happy place’, or tiredness, or just the sads. My horse never minds - and I think its good for them to have a bit of human company and then be put away - their associations with us are therefore not always ‘work’.

I think we forget in the daily business of horses and dressage what a big responsibility they are. 1,000 pound hairy toddlers that can kill you! One is not always up for it!

This blog came up on horsenetwork that you might find interesting. ddx
https://horsenetwork.com/2017/03/8-reasons-riding-as-an-adult-means-you-re-a-bada/

[ParadoxFarm]

No advice, just HUGS.

[Groom_amp_Taxi]

Look at how you started your initial post: This is supposed to be “our year”.

You and your horse went through A LOT last year. Rehab is hard and often stressful. I wonder if some of the reason for your depression now is sort of a PTSD reaction. Even though everything is good now on the surface, you are putting pressure on yourself to “make hay while the sun shines” while waiting for the other (horse)shoe to drop.

I think you have gotten some quality advice here. You have professional help, and that is a very good thing. @FatCatFarm’s response particularly resonated with me. I think you might benefit from stepping back and removing the pressure you’re putting on yourself to accomplish anything on a specific timeframe. Can you give yourself permission to take a vacation from your horse for a couple of weeks or a month? I didn’t really intend to, but I pretty much did that from right before Christmas to last week-end, and the feeling of accomplishment from being more on top of my non-horsey life has been refreshing.

[x-halt-salute]

Anhedonia. It literally sucks the joy out of life by erasing the enjoyment from favorite activities and diminishing the brain’s ability to conjure up and sustain positive emotions. And not only is it a core symptom of depression, but some of the medications used to treat depression can compound it. You are most certainly not alone in having this dark cloud interfere with equestrian life.

I hope all of the responses here bring some comfort. Sometimes even ‘good stress’ like an advancement at work or anxiety-ridden events that by all measures have been weathered with utmost grace can cause this shadow to creep in. Which is to say that it is often the struggle of very strong people, not a sign of weakness.

Don’t beat yourself up about not riding today, or a missed ride yesterday. Once you’ve made the decision to ride or not it’s in the past. Let yourself move on. If your mare is anything like mine, she will sense your state of mind before you ever put a foot in the iron and will get far more out of a clear-headed ride tomorrow or a grooming session today than a forced schooling session in a moment of anxiety.

If your goals are part of the stress, make it easy for yourself to take steps to get back on track. Lay your riding clothes out ahead of time and take a day to organize your tack. Plan a short, simple schooling/conditioning session that you know you can do well (and forget about the harder things you feel pressure to work on until a day when you find yourself in the saddle, feeling content and focused). And if you are working with a trainer you feel really comfortable with, maybe tell her/him that you’ve got a lot on your mind and you want to focus on building confidence in what you already know and improving the basics for a while until you have the head space to take on new challenges.

I’m so glad you have a great family and a healthcare professional you trust to support you. There’s support here too. Add me to the list of folks you can PM if you want to chat with someone who’s been in a similar spot before.

[WXWatcher]

It happens. Things go topsy turvy and we think we will never get out of it. For a time it ends up that the hardest thing to do is just to leave the house let alone get to the barn and do anything despite that place, and those 4-legged creatures we adore so much, that act as our sanity check. Time with the horse just talking, stroking, even just standing and watching and letting them know you are there can work. The important thing is not to rush thing when feeling out of sorts. Rush it, make it feel like it is a chore, and it takes away that “I’m home” feeling I would say at least 99.5% of us get when walking into the barn and hearing a welcoming nicker.

[keysfins]

@phoenixrises , I just wanted to make a suggestion, but ask a question first.

Do you have any blood relatives that deal with depression and/or anxiety? If so, and if you feel ok asking, it could be helpful to know what meds work for them, and what did NOT work for them. That could be good info to discuss with your doctor, if you and your doctor decide to try a different medication(s).

Days are getting longer, sun is reaching further north each day. And you have received some good suggestions here. Jingles for feeling more like yourself!

[WXWatcher]

@phoenixrises

ps my mini looks like a yak and I trace clipped her in November)

Your mini-yak looks like a mischievous yak :)…"go ahead mom, take away the fuzz then WATCH OUT!

[skydy]

Hang in there and do be kind to yourself. Ease up on the self-judgement and don’t put so much pressure on your yourself. Talk with your doctor about medicine and see if the cognitive therapy that people have mentioned is available to you.

This sort of thing happens to people, and you will feel better again. Don’t be so hard on yourself in the meantime OK? :yes:

[Pocket_Pony]

@HorsefaceDee

i have had the same problems…I started on CBD oil and it has changed how i feel dramatically.

I tried it also and put me into a serious funk…made the problem worse.

[KBC]

@Pocket Pony

I tried it also and put me into a serious funk…made the problem worse.

I’m taking it to help the arthritis pain in my knee, which it is REALLY helping with, it is a very pleasant side affect that it is helping keep me balanced.

[Sugarwells]

My heart is with you, I often battle the same issue.
Remember your name here, rise (ride) from your ashes.

[CanteringCarrot]

@drafting_dots

Just here to commiserate on the anxiety. I was actually thinking about starting a post about this just yesterday.

I find myself constantly having to remind myself to step back from it all. I’ve always struggled with health-based anxieties in myself and now am starting to feel like I’m Munchausen-ing my own horse.

I used to keep a training journal that I thought would be fun and helpful, but now it just stresses me out thinking about every minor tiny little thing and what horrible disease or injury it might be. My first horse was barely riding sound when I bought him (in hindsight, really unscrupulous seller who knew he had issues and took advantage of first time horse buyers) and it apparently really traumatized me. I’ve already spent $$$ on vets (all of them saying I have a lovely and sound horse) and am about to start a round of ulcer medication that I’m now even doubting will solve the problem and just lead to more anxiety about money AND horse health.

Anyway, many of us have issues and you’re not alone

Sometimes I think that (OMG there is something wrong with my horse) is a side effect of this forum. No matter what you post, someone will tell you that your horse has xyz, or ask if you’ve done xyz with the vet. I get it, a majority of the time it is/can be a health problem or pain response…but sometimes it’s not. It is a pure training issue or mismatch of horse and rider. There are a lot or armchair vets on this forum. I get that they are trying to help but sometimes it’s a bit much. Coth just has a certain culture.

​​I know I have atleast one horse that is sound, doing well, and has been checked by a vet/chiro, dentist, saddle fitter, competent farrier etc. But if I posted a photo Coth would find something(s) wrong with him. He’d be lame, sore, fat/skinny, and who knows what else. So while there are truly knowledgeable horse folk on this board, listen to professionals in real life and the horse in front of you and try not to get overwhelmed.

I also think this time of year is hard on equestrians, especially those of us in a cold and/or dark region of the world. The weather makes things harder, people lose enthusiasm. I haven’t seen the sun in days. This is normal for here. Idk that the barn is my happy place, I am “meh” about a lot of the people there. We get along, but I couldn’t care less if they’re around or not. I’m there for my horse and myself. It’s ok if you hand walk, groom, just feed, aimlessly wander, it’s your horse. Relieve yourself of expectations. I don’t care for that “this is my/our year” “2018 is going to be so much better” etc. It’s life, just have to roll with it, or be flexible so you can shift direction and perception.

Sometimes I’ll feel down or someone will have their opinion on something I’m doing, but it’s my money/horse so I’ll do as I please. If I want to take a week off from schooling and trail ride, I’ll do so.

Hang in there OP (and everyone).

[Texarkana]

OP, you are not alone. Uncountable people go through this. Although that doesn’t make it any easier.

This may or may not help, but I recently completed an intense, 6 week mindfulness training for my job. Growing up the child of a psychologist, I tend to be anywhere from skeptical to resistant to stuff that I perceive as new age hokum (or stuff my parents tried to introduce in my teenage years). However, the science behind it is compelling. Some resources:

https://www.mindful.org/meditation/m…tting-started/

https://embracemindfulness.org/

It’s not all about “meditating,” it’s about bringing awareness to your thoughts and learning how reset yourself to baseline when your thoughts consume you. The practice of meditating is one component in doing so, but you can certainly utilize the benefits of mindfulness without regular meditation.

Since beginning training, I found I’ve been naturally incorporating mindful practices in my job, in my every day interactions, and in the saddle. :yes:

[phoenixrises]

@Texarkana

OP, you are not alone. Uncountable people go through this. Although that doesn’t make it any easier.

This may or may not help, but I recently completed an intense, 6 week mindfulness training for my job. Growing up the child of a psychologist, I tend to be anywhere from skeptical to resistant to stuff that I perceive as new age hokum (or stuff my parents tried to introduce in my teenage years). However, the science behind it is compelling. Some resources:

https://www.mindful.org/meditation/m…tting-started/

https://embracemindfulness.org/

It’s not all about “meditating,” it’s about bringing awareness to your thoughts and learning how reset yourself to baseline when your thoughts consume you. The practice of meditating is one component in doing so, but you can certainly utilize the benefits of mindfulness without regular meditation.

Since beginning training, I found I’ve been naturally incorporating mindful practices in my job, in my every day interactions, and in the saddle. :yes:

thank you! I had done some mindfulness training a few years ago (a requirement before weight loss surgery) and I felt it was really helpful but I’ve strayed from some of the practices! I’ll try to set aside some time each day to get back to it.

[tinah]

I’ve been doing “yoga with adriene” on YouTube, because when the ground is too frozen to ride I tend to turn into a lump on the couch and eat too much and them I feel awful about myself so I sit on the couch and. . . . It helps. It’s not hard or fast, and the whole body movement seems to help keep my brain level. She’s got a 30 day challenge that starts off easy.

[SendenHorse]

@tinah

I’ve been doing “yoga with adriene” on YouTube, because when the ground is too frozen to ride I tend to turn into a lump on the couch and eat too much and them I feel awful about myself so I sit on the couch and. . . . It helps. It’s not hard or fast, and the whole body movement seems to help keep my brain level. She’s got a 30 day challenge that starts off easy.

she’s awesome!!!

She has tons of videos, and a subscription if you want more series (for about 10/month)
I like her focus on mental and physical combined- very good for dressage (and life)