You’re not alone. I lost my 29 year old horse almost 3 months ago and I just started sobbing today at the idea of getting on another horse. We have two other horses I can ride and I wasn’t riding him anyway, but he was my first horse and he will always be special to me. To make it worse, we bought a small farm 4 months ago so we could always be with our horses and ride when we wanted to. Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked out that way. The horses keep falling into the creek (that’s what killed my older horse), so we’re trying to put up a fence when we’ve had abnormally cold weather and frozen ground. Obviously, it’s not going quickly.
I’ve been to see a counselor and it helped tremendously. I recommend just not relying on medications to make you feel better, but find someone to talk with. Also, there are different kinds of therapy, so possibly be willing to try different things. Today, I’m order a full spectrum light from Amazon. I might as well give it a shot. If it works, that’s awesome. Try taking pressure off yourself. Sometimes we do that to ourselves with our jobs, kids, household, etc. If you never ride again or always stay at a certain level, that’s ok. Your horse doesn’t have an agenda or a timeframe to peak. The mindfulness stuff is really good also. Dr. Christian ??? has a tremendous book. Just keep trying different approaches and you’ll get there.
Thank you for writing this, it is SO true and I always need the reminder.
It’s also sort of ironic because I’m sure the same would happen if I posted my horse. The comments would be, you need a really good vet who will do an MRI and a bone scan and x-ray all his joints 10x. The reality is he has seen really well respected vets (ones recommended here) who think he’s just fine. I need to listen to them, and not strangers on the internet!
Great advice here, and you are not alone. From my similar experience, I have learned to stop when I find myself doing what I call “shoulding”…I should do this, I should do that etc That means I really don’t want to but feel I should. I contemplate that and then give myself permission to NOT do whatever it is. At first it was incredibly difficult, but I realized I had spent most of my life doing what other people thought I should, and then putting that pressure on myself as well, creating anger and depression. I started paying attention to MY feelings instead of always everybody else’s. It has been extremely freeing and strange to actually decide what I want to do. Decide how you want to FEEL and then do things on purpose to create those feelings. Sit and make a list of every thing that brings you joy or used to bring you joy, even if its tiny…and do/get those things. I made huge life changes to get where I am today, but getting diagnosed with fibro really gave me no choice. Take care of you!
I certainly feel where you’re coming from. I rarely ride now and it makes me feel guilty and stupid. For the first time in my life I DONT want to talk about my horses because I would have to admit how little time I actually spend riding them. Some of the reason is lack of time, some is probable depression.
I finally got my horses home, at 60 years old. I’ve been working toward this all my life. I love having my own place, managing all the details, looking across the pasture (mine!) to watch them graze. Sweeping out the barn (mine!), mowing on my tractor (mine! I have a tractor, squeee!) are just wonderful.
Then pretty much everything else went to H in a Handbasket. (Issues with DH primarily) I can’t believe this time in my life has turned out this way. So yah, I’m depressed, angry, exhausted, frustrated, you name it. I too am just slogging through, my joy is certainly dampened.
Yesterday I called an Electrician to fix the kitchen lights that have been out a week. DH says “I guess I could have called my brother, he’s an electrician.” WTF
I’m pretty sure I must have done something really terrible in a past life and now the piper is being paid. (haha)
The good news is: I’ve been forced to really look at myself and my situation. I’ve had to readjust my expectations and try to take some pressure off myself. I haven’t had many people over because I can’t keep up with all the outside work and work fulltime and keep the house clean. I don’t want people to see the leaves all over the yard, or the shutters I haven’t finished hanging, or the dust on my bannisters or the green pool. So I never had people over, I just couldn’t face them. The very thought of a party at my house fills me with so much anxiety that I want to cancel, and I do. Some of my co-worker friends told me the other day that they forgive me for being antisocial. (I cancelled the previous get together) And that they really like me and are coming over anyway. I almost cried, but of course I didn’t in front of anyone. I think these are the people I need in my life. I think their acceptance and friendship can help me feel better. I’m going to give it a try.
Anyone with the name Allons-y deserves to a wonderful life. He is the best Dr. I’m very sorry you’re having such a rough time of it. I spent a perfectly good Sunday in bed, because the thought of leaving my house put me in a tailspin. Rather than beat myself up I did it stayed in bed and by Monday I was able to leave and function. Letting ourselves nto quite do it all is really hard.
Allons-y it sounds as if you have friends, people that don’t care if your pool is green or your house is dusty. Have them over, a few at a time, if that is easier. Not to “entertain” them but just for a visit. That’s an easy way to find out who your friends are…
Good people don’t judge others about their housekeeping. Busy people and people that are not at their happiest have priorities and tidy houses can come (quite properly) lower on the list compared with work and animal care. Most people understand this and those that don’t usually aren’t worth the trouble of explaining it to.
I am feeling this so much. I feel like this year has been exceptionally gloomy. It’s also the first winter I’ve truly been on my own with my farm (went through a break up last fall but he remained in the house and helpful until early spring). I am admittedly overwhelmed with the list of things I need to tackle here. Everything else in my life is going really well and I don’t think I’m depressed… I just have zero motivation for riding and I have to really push myself to deal with farm chores that extend beyond the ordinary day-to-day stuff. I have an awesome, promising young horse and my dream custom foal on the way in May. I feel so guilty for feeling so blah about it all, especially with the money I’m laying out for the foal.
I’m just trying to give myself a bit of a break and trying not to feel guilty. My horse is going really well and is progressing (albeit slower) even if I only ride twice a week and I figure if you’re going to give them some down time, winter is the time. Like tonight, I backed my truck up to the trailer to haul to the arena but right now I’m sitting in front of the fire with the dogs instead. I have a small pang of guilt but the horses are fed and happy so I’ve done my main job. I’m trying to pick away at the “extra” farm chores bit by bit when I can with the knowledge that nicer weather will bring more motivation, or at least make it less crappy to be outside.
As long as you’re covering your basic responsibilities and not getting mired in sadness I like to take a bit of a zen approach to it. Feel what you feel knowing that you’re constantly changing and it won’t always feel this way.
When clinical depression happened to me, it was really not about the life I was living. When I got the right drug treatment the depression went away and hasn’t returned for 14 yrs so far .My life was fun again. I hope it’s that simple for you too OP, it’s an awful way to feel.
Interestingly, Charlotte Dujardin made a comment about this during the Master Class here in Lexington just last a few days ago. I wish I could remember it verbatim (no recording allowed) and I don’t know that it is exactly what you are facing but it was basically this…
How hard it can be to do what we do, to care so much about how it’s going with your horse(s). How it can ruin your marriage (laughter from audience) and your life, how it can be very depressing, drive you crazy, etc. You could tell a whole lot of the audience “got” it. She was very authentic and real and I think we all appreciated it.
Thank you so much for recommending this. I started her 30-day challenge and there is a huge difference in my mood and energy level on the days I do one of her videos.
I’ve been there, and to some degree still am there. Unlike OP I have no great goals as my horse is semi-retired, but there are days that I still don’t want to go to the barn – even though I can choose what I do there.
My general solution has been similar to Sue B’s. Break the “going to the barn and riding” into the tiniest step. Start with one (“skip shower because I am going to the barn”), add the next (“put on my panties and sports bra”), add the next … Sometimes you do have to get to that granular a level. Eventually the second step becomes “dress for riding.” And so forth. You might have to start with “get out of bed.”
I definitely am more blue in the winter, so I have a small HappyLight in the bathroom. I turn it on in the morning as soon as I go into the bathroom. I do spend some time right in front of it, but just leave it on until I am dressed and ready to move on. I’m not trying to get to a certain number of minutes per day, just have “some” exposure.
Above all – be kind to yourself!
