Do they even make breeches for people like me?

Yes… I would suggest high-waisted as a starting point, if OP is OK with that. Some “muffin top” is inevitable if you are fluffy around the waist, but it’s not as bad with a high-waisted style.

(size 32 and SHORT here. Ugh. I was an Equissentials fan until they went out of business. I’m not competing anymore, so I usually wear tights now, and don’t worry about the muffin top.)