Does anyone else have the unsupportive husband issue?

[Certifiedgirl]

jetsmom- that made me laugh out loud. Its so true, some of us do tend to “dwell” on our horses just a bit- but my gelding really IS that cute!

My DH has his own “obsession” - cars, so we are pretty even in spending time and money on our hobbies. And he has mentioned many times how glad he is that I am not as “needy” as some of his friend’s wives are, always wanting them home and all. I always figure I’m an adult, I can entertain myself! Plus I can always spend time with the horses when he is off doing his car stuff.

I can’t imagine someone feeling jealous of a horse, I feel sorry for them actually, it sounds like they don’t have something they are really passionate about.

[gazenna]

Yep, I have one of those too. Mine not only complaines, but he is selfish to boot. After supper tonight we were talking and our daughter spoke up and remined him that if we did not have the horses, there would be no need for the tractor, 2 bobcats and the 4 wheeler.I also had to remind him that every equine we have, I talked to him about it first before they came here. He cannot say that about the harly motorcycle he came home with behind my back…also my husband has a riding lawn mower fetish, and he is constantly buying tools from snap on. I have never bought anything big without respecting him enough to discuss it with him first, and if he said no I did’nt buy it…

[Woodsperson]

My husband has a lot of faults-which I probably tell him about way too often-but he’s always been supportive about the horses. He’ll even offer to go to the barn and check on them when I’m out of town.

I let him know regularly that I realize he helps make this possible and that I appreciate it.

[sfstable]

[QUOTE=certifiedgirl;4053961]
jetsmom- that made me laugh out loud. Its so true, some of us do tend to “dwell” on our horses just a bit- but my gelding really IS that cute!

My DH has his own “obsession” - cars, so we are pretty even in spending time and money on our hobbies. And he has mentioned many times how glad he is that I am not as “needy” as some of his friend’s wives are, always wanting them home and all. I always figure I’m an adult, I can entertain myself! Plus I can always spend time with the horses when he is off doing his car stuff.

I can’t imagine someone feeling jealous of a horse, I feel sorry for them actually, it sounds like they don’t have something they are really passionate about.[/QUOTE]

Sounds like my husband and I. He has his “horsepower” and I have mine.

After reading this thread, I seriously need to go and give my husband a big hug.

[ReSomething]

Mine’s not necessarily unsupportive, but he’s another “hobbyist” and does a pretty good job of spending all his money and mine too. I’d really like that fence to get done so I can finally get my horse - I ran the idea of boarding till the place was ready past him not so long ago, and right about then he started being lots more cooperative about a few other things, (that took time and money that might have gone to board). But it’s all good - I’ve waited a long time and I can wait some more - and I really do appreciate all he does.

[Coreene]

Trakehner, I think you might be surprised at how many of us not only singlehandedly pay for the horses, trainer, shows, rig, mortgage, cars, insurance and every other bell and whistle that life requires, go on nice vacations and buy Cartier watches, some of us manage to do that without cracking into our inheritances. You know, with $$ we earned all by ourselves!!! Just a thought.

[Candle]

I agree with Fluffie. Since when did it become all about splitting money 50/50? I think most of the battle is communication and figuring out what makes both parties feel loved and respected, and then making visible efforts to do so, but what do I know, I’m not married yet. My SO and I manage to support each other’s hobbies, but then again we are respectful of each other even when we’re disagreeing. We also have a shared hobby, and we tend to have fun with each other no matter what we’re doing, even if it’s something really mundane. I feel really lucky to have found him. It also helps that he thinks my horse is cute

[Chardavej]

Oh man I am so blessed that I have a hubby that is just as much into horses as I am! Although I admit I am probably a TAD more into it than he is : ).

I love him so, and he never complains about the money I spend on my mostly unneeded tack. (I mean, really, do I NEED 22 blankets for 5 horses?? And that’s not counting summer sheets and coolers and fly sheets, etc…) Although I really don’t spend a lot and do try to find bargins or deals on used items to keep costs down.

[jolise]

Trakehner,

For some men, I don’t think it matters who is paying for what. Some spouses (not always the men) just are not supportive. In my household, I work more hours, earn more than twice as much money, but still have the same argument about the horses. He “acts” like he is supportive, but anytime I try to go and ride or do a show he makes it very difficult. I end up begging and feeling guilty about riding a whopping 2 days a week (total time at barn 4 hours weekly) because he doesn’t want to have to “babysit” while I am at the barn. Never mind that the amount of free time he has is about 10 times the amount I get. So, not all of us women are behaving like children when we complain about the spouses.

[rainechyldes]

I agree with Trak.

Also, how many of the ‘omg’ guys are jerks camp are supportive of the guys’ hobbies?
I see a lot of replies saying, snide comments about horses costs are then followed up by the wives snide comments about their spouses hobbies… kinda makes me go hmm… vicious circle approaching.

My hubby and I both work, we both pay bills/ sports costs for the boys, horses costs, vacations, whatever else one of the other of us may wish to do, and we never quibble about how much something cost for one or the other of us.

It’s just money…seriously. And to my mind , it can’t be much of a relationship, if nasty commentaries about how much ‘stuff’ costs that makes either spouse happy and content is the basis of every conversation.

[SmokenMirrors]

Put me in with Trakehner…I think that the one thing that no one seems to be getting is that a marriage is a partnership, it isn’t about who drives further, who makes more or less money, who spends more time behind a desk or out in the field, or if one is home more than the other.

I bought my first QH Lucy, but the second horse Terry and my 3rd draft Smoke, he bought for me. It is his money that finances my hobby, that allowed me to buy my show cart, get the shaft pockets for my work harness, my saddles, all my things and pays off the vet and farrier or any medication, etc. He helped me buy my Exiss trailer, drives the truck and trailer to my shows, sets up and helps harness and tack up for each class, ensures that my clothes are hung up and I have a place to change in the trailer between classes. He also watches the horses and feeds them if I am sick or not at home. All this would not be possible without him and I let him know each and every day. How?

By ensuring he has a hot meal every night when he comes home from working all day, by helping out around the house if he is doing a project to make our lives better, keeping the house clean, taking his clothes to the dry cleaners, not complaining when we go to Lowes for the upteenth time and look at guy stuff. We talk about things before I do them, I express to him how much he means to me by showing affection and love, and if he has a work function that I have to put on a dress and heels then make nice, all of this is a small price to pay to make sure that our partnership stays afloat and is happy and everyone is well taken care of.

So instead of telling the OP to divorce the man and kick him to the curb, how about instead, giving her ideas on how to better their relationship and ideas. Not everyone wants to be a single, man hating , my way or the highway, love me and my horse harpy like some. Hopefully the OP does love her spouse and will sit down with him and get to the root of the problem of why he is using her love of horses against her.

[Trakehner]

[QUOTE=jolise;4054108]
For some men, I don’t think it matters who is paying for what. Some spouses (not always the men) just are not supportive. In my household, I work more hours, earn more than twice as much money, but still have the same argument about the horses. He “acts” like he is supportive, but anytime I try to go and ride or do a show he makes it very difficult. I end up begging and feeling guilty about riding a whopping 2 days a week (total time at barn 4 hours weekly) because he doesn’t want to have to “babysit” while I am at the barn. Never mind that the amount of free time he has is about 10 times the amount I get. So, not all of us women are behaving like children when we complain about the spouses.[/QUOTE]

I’m sorry, it sounds like you do have yourself a jerk guy (and I never suggested guys are always the victims or the woman the harpy)…He’s got opposable thumbs, he can “babysit”. Sure sounds like under “passive-aggressive” in the dictionary you’d see his picture.

I notice in the COTH postings, when the women horse owner’s husband/SO leaves…he’s always lacking something, she’s a victim and suddenly she’s wondering how she’ll pay for her horses and life (which means, he’s been footing the majority of the day-to-day living expenses). What I find childlike behaviour is when people make comments as: “I use my salary to buy my clothes” or “I use my salary to pay for my horse”. Well, isn’t that special…they don’t see their SO paying for their entire life while they pay for their “pretty’s” as unfair.

I always suggest reverse-the-situation. How many women here would work all day to support their husbands, pay all the day-to-day bills and expenses and smile as their guy works part time and put up with them whining, “But I pay for my own hobby out of my money, it doesn’t cost her anything, she’s not supportive of my need to fish all day and the weekends and I was fishing when she met me”…and then sigh and say, “But I know it really makes him happy and saves so much money on psychiatric care…and shouldn’t I support his passion, it’s only money?” I hope nobody.

[GettingBack]

I have to say that for years I thought my husband was unsupportive. I was giving lessons and he would complain about me being gone, complain when people would call needing things, complain about how much the horses cost. etc.etc.etc. We were going to start a farm, but I thought he’d never make it, because he’d complain about the mud, complain about the cold etc. etc.

We’re now prepping our farmette to bring the horses home and I see a totally different man. He just picked me up a load of pallets and built a hayshed last night. He’s been putting in fencers like a mad man, getting all sweaty and buggy and gross. I’ve never seen a man deliberate so much about how to screw 4 pallets together as I saw last night.

I realized that even though he didn’t want to ride with me (believe me, I tried to cajole him into going to the barn with me a TON) what he wanted was to be useful at the barn, yet also with me. Epiphany. Too bad it took 8 years and almost getting divorced twice to figure it out.

Horses are expensive and it’s hard because it’s something that “we” know so much about and they know so little. I was doing some research into equine gastric ulcers the other day and he said to me “You know, I will never know about anything as much as you know about horses”.

Of course, each guy is different, each scenario is different, but sometimes it is a misunderstanding.

all I could hear was her yelling “that’s my Mom!” and she teared up when I got my ribbon.

I do have to say, this made me cry this morning. Sounds like you’ve raised a wonderful daughter and have done a wonderful job with that horse.

[manyspots]

A previous poster mentioned putting the horses second… I did that once upon a time. I was with the man I thought I would marry… and the horses came second. Which I convinced myself was OK, afterall they were boarded in good care and if I couldn’t make it that week, oh well. They were both semi-retired anyway. Bottomline… I missed out on a lot of time with both of them and they have since passed over the bridge .

After that relationship ended…
I was cautious. And took two years to enjoy my horses. And… ended up with a man who not only understands, but is supportive. Helps he grew up with a mom and sister who have horses. BUT, we both work full time, are engaged to be married, and both support the household we own together. Last fall he built me my barn (I paid, he used his construction skills) and my horses came home. We keep some finances seperate which works for us, allows us to spend money on the things we love individually without animosity. For instance, when the big box from Schneiders showed up yesterday via UPS, he just smiled at me as I walked down to the barn with it. It’s this sort of seperate-togetherness that works for us.

These men do exist… they just have their own hobbies but appreciate your passion for yours. I make enough money to pay the bills and have the thing I love the most and if I didn’t I would have to re-evaluate things, because I would never put us in a position to lose our house. BUT, I know if they going got tough, he would never push me to sell the horses. It would be my choice to find a way. That is trust… at its finest.

[GettingBack]

Oh, and I do have to add:

If hubby and I were to get divorced/him leave tomorrow I would still have to figure out how to afford the horses, but not because I’m not supporting half of the bills from the house. I do - I support half of the living expenses, and the horse bills.

But, if he were to leave I’d have to support the whole house, and since we have children, all the children, plus the horses. That would mean I would have to give up the horses.

Make more sense, Trak?

[xQHDQ]

Take this from experience, YOU NEED TO CHANGE SOMETHING. I am not saying give up horses or change anything that really matters. Do not compromise you, but husbands who complain about the horse are generally complaining about something else.

I hope my story can help. I was at the point of divorce. We were able to back away and now everything is okay but I had to 1) explain that the horse thing made me the person he loved and without it I would be different; 2) tell him I appreciated him more with both words and deeds - stupid things like not wearing dirty breeches around the house or sending him an email in the middle of the day telling him I loved him, etc); 3) don’t tell him everything about the horse - men are especially jeleous of geldings/stallions - no sheath cleaning stories or how I love kissing my gelding’s nose after he eats hay; 4) I got involved in something he loves - for him it’s golf - I go out on the course with him about twice a month (I’m actually not bad), and I listen to him when he talks about his new club or how he hit this great shot right into the water.

Marriage is about compromise. Some things you don’t compromise (riding and owning a horse) and other things you do (ie, bringing home dinner after a horse show versus leaving it to him).
Good luck.

[TikiSoo]

Follow Your Heart, it knows

In my relationship, it WAS the money spent on my horse that burned my guy. We were living together and planning to get married. Realize, I have a form of MS and ride as my physical therapy.

First inkling was “If we’re gonna have kids, you probably should give up your horse, it’s too dangerous.”

OK, I could understand his point, but I said, “Most likely not going to happen.”

Then, when times got tough, money was really tight, he said, “You know if you weren’t paying that $100/month board, we’d be so much better off.”

I replied, “But if giving up my pony resulted in confinement to a wheelchair, we’d be much worse off. And that might happen.”

We both put off marriage, obviously things weren’t working. We ended up in couples therapy and the therapist had us list “non negotiables” and “negotiable” aspects of our lives.

Horse (really meaning my health) & my career were the only 2 “nons” on my list.
I think that’ds a great place for anyone to start. It will clarify to yourself and your partner what you need to focus on and what to leave alone & accept.
That guy is gone, thank god, he had serious problems elsewhere. But other guys I’ve had relationships with see me as a super cool cowgirl because I own a horse!

[Angela_Freda]

[QUOTE=jetsmom;4053882]
I remember reading on here a while back, something that has stuck with me and changed how I interact with my DH. It definitely improved things…

Someone said " The way women talk about their horses makes men feel like they are talking about “the other man”. You know, wife comes home all happy after spending time w/horse talking about what cute thing he did, how smart he is, how wonderful he is, and goes on and on with it." How would you feel if you felt that you were in second place to your husband’s hobby? When was the last time you talked about your husband with that same kind of excited joy, about how smart they are, what cute thing they did etc?

Do you treat your DH in a manner that makes them feel important…more important than the horse? If not…that’s your problem.[/QUOTE]
If your hubby is going to get ‘jealous’ of your horse and how you dote on him/her, how will he react to a child? My love for my horse, my first ‘child’, pales only in comparison to that of my human child. It has not always been pretty- huby has shown jealousy of both at times. Balance is definitely key. As well as getting the Hubby to buy into the horse as a dependent who is cute, funny, smart,…
The interesting thing is you don;t see me jealous of the Yankees or Duke do ya’?

[DLee]

[QUOTE=wylde sage;4053613]
Ugh, please tell me I’m not the only one out there that has the he!! husband who gripes about time and money spent on and with horses. Makes life right unpleasant and sure makes it not worth spending time with that person![/QUOTE]

I used to. Now I have a different husband.

[JollyBadger]

I’ve never been married, but did date a guy who had severe jealousy issues when it came to my horse and riding. I don’t think it would have been any different, though, if my “passion” was my career, or if I had children, or if it was doing volunteer work, or if it was some other hobby or interest. He just couldn’t stand the thought of “sharing” me with anything or anyone else. His suggested alternatives just weren’t appealing to me, either. Hmmm. . .do I go trail riding on a beautiful, sunny, warm Saturday or do I sit on the couch with my boyfriend watching ultimate fighting and NASCAR? He never understood that, even on rainy, cold, miserable days the horse still needs to be taken care of.

I can kind of understand the “other man” comparison when women talk about their horses. A few times my ex did say that I thought more about my horse than I did about him. Considering some of the other things that went on in our relationship, as I look back on it now I don’t regret that I “chose” the horse in the end.

Fortunately, I’m now dating a man who I actually met WHILE trail riding. He has two horses of his own and understands the amount of time and committment involved in horse ownership. He is divorced, and his ex was not at all interested in horses or riding or taking riding/camping vacations with the horses. He fully supported himself and his hobby by working seven-day weeks throughout the winter to save up the money to take the horses camping in the warmer months. We did our first camping trip together last week and had an excellent time. . .so far, so good.