Thanks to all for the insightful replies. Gives me much to think about.
Yes, at this stage in our relationship he earns more than I do. Trust me, it wasn’t always so. I do work full time, take care of the house and meals. No children of our own. He’s paid child support forever.(thankfully almost over)
Yes, I think its a case of him feeling 2nd (yes, the horses make me much happier to be around!) and also his not having a hobby…
That said, I can’t Make him get a hobby. He’s just rather miserable to be around. Just a rant and I sure do appreciate All the replies, even the ones that make me uncomfortable! (as in, I have a part in this…gulp!)
Check for depression issues?
My husband for a long time did not have hobbies either, I kept suggesting them and I couldn’t get him to do anything but sit on the couch when we were together. I’d rather die than sit on the couch and watch tv for more than half an hour (well, unless I’m watching a movie) so we clearly had a disconnect.
He was treated for depression and that made things a TON better - I forgot to mention that in my story.
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My boyfriend is not supportive of the horses either. He likes them, but says they are a waste of money and we have had some issues over it. My horses are both getting older, and I am not getting rid of either of them EVER! I have come to the realization that he will never be supportive, and I have asked him to at least appreciate how important they are to me. He has finally agreed to that.
He does however, never miss a horse show. He is a great photographer, and does sorta help me at shows. He has tons of cars and toys though so I always have something to argue back about! 
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Trak, I was self supporting, I am self supporting. In that relationship I was supporting both of us and a horse for a long time. He just couldn’t handle the concept of working full time, always an excuse or another. When I finally did need a bit of support, aka his half the bills and paying me back for some money I’d loaned him, it seemed he’d waited our whole relationship to hold it over my head and tell me I couldn’t do it on my own. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what it is, the partner can be controlling and selfish. I think even if I played chess, he’d’ve wanted to get in the way!
OP, how much time do you actually spend with the horses each week? What time do you get home? Do you miss dinner every night? Maybe a few more details would help us help you.
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[QUOTE=Trakehner;4054207]
I always suggest reverse-the-situation. How many women here would work all day to support their husbands, pay all the day-to-day bills and expenses and smile as their guy works part time and put up with them whining, “But I pay for my own hobby out of my money, it doesn’t cost her anything, she’s not supportive of my need to fish all day and the weekends and I was fishing when she met me”…and then sigh and say, “But I know it really makes him happy and saves so much money on psychiatric care…and shouldn’t I support his passion, it’s only money?” I hope nobody.[/QUOTE]
I work full time, the hubby is a SAHD to our three year old daughter, and a part-time gunsmith/custom rifle manufacturer at home evenings and weekends - and I do all the paperwork/bookkeeping/accounting/taxes for that biz while he gets to play in the shop. Neither of us are complaining. In fact, my guy was at the barn last weekend putting the wheels back on the horse trailer (we had new tires put on them) while DD and I played with my old retired pony.
Hey, I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince. 
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[QUOTE=gieriscm;4054718]
I work full time, the hubby is a SAHD to our three year old daughter, and a part-time gunsmith/custom rifle manufacturer at home evenings and weekends - and I do all the paperwork/bookkeeping/accounting/taxes for that biz while he gets to play in the shop. Neither of us are complaining:D[/QUOTE]
I’m really happy for you, sounds like a real partnership and happy relationship!..and that’s exactly what I was talking about…He’s not complaining to his male friends, blaming you for not supporting him, I’m sure he appreciates the true luxury of being able to be a stay-at-home father and an artist. Too many on COTH don’t appreciate the same situation you generously give/share with your husband…they only complain, “he should do more for me!”
My horses are second in my life…they do fine without me. When my wife got hurt, I didn’t make it out to the barn for a month (my guys were looked after just fine by the BO and friends).
[QUOTE=Fandango7;4054496]
My boyfriend is not supportive of the horses either.
He does however, never miss a horse show. He is a great photographer, and does sorta help me at shows. He has tons of cars and toys though so I always have something to argue back about! :p[/QUOTE]
I wish my BF would come to shows once in a while. I don’t think he’s seen me ride in 6 months. But on the other hand, he does come by and take care of the horses/farm mutts when I go to a show. He does like to help out on somethings I don’t like to do (mainly weedeating).
I’d like to see him more (we both work full-time), but when he wants to stay at his home and watch baseball/football/go hunting et. I don’t complain since he has helped me out. I’ve tried to get involved, but he likes to do these things without me… so, I have a lot of time for my horses.
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I try to do “his” stuff with him so it also doesn’t give him much leeway in the argument against the horses. We go rock crawling all the time (which I really love, actually) and in exchange he has learned to keep his yap shut about the horses. I also pay for them on my own, but his defense is when we get married he will be paying for them too.
Long story short, if it ever comes to choosing between a man and my horses, the horses are it. I have known a few people who have chosen to give up riding because of an unsupportive spouse and they are miserable and tell me repeatedly it was a terrible decision.
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[QUOTE=Trakehner;4054781]
I’m really happy for you, sounds like a real partnership and happy relationship!..and that’s exactly what I was talking about…He’s not complaining to his male friends, blaming you for not supporting him, I’m sure he appreciates the true luxury of being able to be a stay-at-home father and an artist. [/QUOTE]
Oh geez. No, he’s not complaining, but maybe she isn’t sniping at him every time he wants to spend a penny on something for himself either.
The true luxury of having a stay at home parent applies to BOTH parents. Yes, it’s a luxury many couples can’t afford, but the benefit of having one becomes quite clear when your child has pneumonia followed by an antibiotic strep infection that keeps them out of school for 4 weeks, or shows up in the nurse’s office vomiting, or wants to do 375,000 activities after school.
Or when your boss thinks you should be able to stay late sometimes even though daycare closes at 6 on the dot and traffic makes the drive home iffy, or when they need to send you to Iowa for a new installation, or when (god forbid) you want to do happy hour with the people from the office.
Stay at home parents make a lot of sacrifices to do what they do, give them a little credit. None of this Peg Bundy bon-bon talk, please.
I had an unsupportive DH. Once as I was leaving for the barn, he made me feel so guilty that I skipped the barn and stayed home, where he immediately went to another room to play on the computer and ignored me. It was then that I realized a) it wasn’t about the horse and b) we needed to do something otherwise we were heading to divorce. We ended up going to a communications class (highly recommend!), and found out a lot about each other and ourselves. Men are just as complicated and emotional as women, only in society the only “acceptable” emotion they are allowed to express is anger. He was feeling lonely, insecure, unwanted, and ignored, but he couldn’t express that to me, so it came out as anger towards my horse and barn time. Now we’re more open with our communication and emotions, so he knows that he is my first priority, but he also has to make me his first priority, which also means supporting that which makes me happy, and I do the same for him. It’s a two way street, but if you work together, it can be the road to happiness.
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A little hypersensitive there, Ambrey?
I didn’t see where anyone was saying what you’re implying they did.
Not married (yet), but my SO is very supportive of the horse thing. We both have our hobbies, and whatever he spends monetarily or timewise on his, he does so with my blessing.
We both work, and have our own homes and pay our own bills. The only thing I see happening differently if/when we marry, is that we’ll only have one house payment. Both of us will continue to pull our own weight, and will split the household bills accordingly.
If people go into marriage without having a serious discussion about the nonnegotiable things (kids, horses, etc.), they only have themselves to blame when things start to go sour.
You can’t live on some idealized idea of romance, and the sex, no matter how good it is, is going to cover up the cracks in the relationship for only so long.
Put me in the camp of “I have to hug my BF when I get home.”
I too have had the unsupportive jealous bf, and well… there’s a reason they aren’t around anymore. The first thing my current BF was told was that the horses were around before you, and if you don’t like that they’ll be around after you. Which was fine, because he liked his fancy schmancy bicycle and being able to run :). It’s definitely a give and take and it’s been a learning curve of how to make him feel appreciated too when I spend 4 hours at the barn a day, 6 days a week. But again, he runs so I make a point to support that and go to his races and he’s been great about coming to shows and making a sincere attempt to understand what this is all about (including our conversation last night on Why on God’s green earth do people think their horses should be valued at 6 figures! :lol:).
I’d definitely check in the depression department too… I can’t even tell you how much it’s helped our relationship for me to deal with that - I don’t gripe about every.single.little.thing. he does/doesn’t do anymore and it’s made life a lot more pleasant! Part of that too is making sure he does feel important, which seems silly but egos do need to be stoked by the person you see as “most important” in your life.
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I am sure there are some husbands who are just plain jerks. However, I see far more women who are not putting in the kind of effort necessary to have a happy relationship and a supportive husband.
The way some women talk about their SOs, you can tell that they actually have disdain for them! Of course they are not supportive! How would you feel if that was how your DH felt about you! It is very hurtful.
For your average, decent, not an abusive jerk kind of guy, the way to have a supportive DH is to make sure his needs are met. That includes the need for affection. When you will tell a guy outright that you prefer the company of your horse to spending time with him, how does that make him feel? Instead, how about investing 10 minutes on the phone? One 5 minute call on your way to the barn to say “well, I’m off to the barn, but I really missed you today. I can’t wait to get home and see you!” And one more call on your way home to say “I’m on my way, can’t wait to see you. Is there anything I can get you at the store on my way?” Minimal time investment to let your guy know you actually like him! Toss in an offer to do something kind for him, and you’ve changed the whole tone of your evening!
I, and the happily married riders that I know, make an extra effort to spend time with our DHs. Most of us have a few nights a week that are committed to spending time together, cooking a nice meal, etc., and keeping horse activities to a bare minimum. In return, we have husbands who wish us good luck rather than griping when we head out the door for a weekend of gallivanting around at hunter paces, long trail rides or a horse show. Whenever I come back from the barn, my husband always asks “how was your sweetie?” I think it is so cute.
To any single people who don’t feel like they can put their DH ahead of their horse, or that going out of your way for a SO is degrading to women, please do yourself and the guy a favor and don’t get married. Every person, man or woman, deserves to be the priority to the other person in the marriage. Not overshadowed by a horse, dog, bike, or golf habit.
If both of you can go out of your way for each other and put your spouse first, miraculously, you will both be pretty freaking happy! In my experience, this works best if you go first! The nice thing about guys is that most of them are not prone to holding grudges. If you change how you treat them first, it usually doesn’t take long before they change. Without exception, when we have started arguing, getting on each other’s nerves, or picking at each other, I can turn it around by changing my behavior.
Wylde sage, your willingness to see that you play a part in the situation is very admirable! If you are willing to put some work into it, I swear to you that you have the power to make some big improvements in your relationship. I am convinced that a happy man is a supportive man, and that an unsupportive guy is generally dissatisfied, and the horses are the easiest thing to pinpoint.
One last disclaimer, yes I know that there are guys that are just abusive jerks. But frankly, most guys are not. They are just decent, if somewhat frustrated guys, who are just as imperfect as we are. Give them a break and be nice to them!
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[QUOTE=Beasmom;4053864]
Unfortunately, what Trak says has a lot of truth to it. And I DO hate to admit it!
Is what Trak says true for YOUR situation, wylde sage? Could you afford your horses and your own living expenses without your husband? If not, you may have to suck it up and admit he has a point. OTOH, if you are able to contribute to the household, either with money, or by doing the majority of the cooking and cleaning, that’s something else.
I agree that many men are jealous of the time women spend with their horses. I was engaged to a guy who made it clear (as time went by) that he fully expected me to quit college, stay at home and give up horses. I gave him up instead.
Yeah, he needs a hobby of his own. Be sure you never complain about the time and money he spends on it![/QUOTE]
True …very true.
We have one life, yep only one. If you are not happy then why aren’t you trying to make yourself happy?
I have no SO issues BUT, one thing I hold near to me is that I can support my self completly with all the horse stuff aside and I can support my two horses solo. I vow to always keep my life this way. Not saying it will happen but you never know one day when things go South. The VERY LAST thing I (or anyone for that matter) should have to worry about is: I can’t leave him because he supports me - so what then? Live a life from hell untill your 90? No way Jose!
OP
Is it truly just the horses or is it something else + throw the horses in for a good devensive line on his behalf?
I honestly feel that my horses do not come before my SO but more so the same strong love just different by human to horse standards. Someone who is jealous of a horse has some other underlying issues along with a form of controlling what’s around him … such as you. That’s really no fun!
I hope it works out for YOUR liking!
[QUOTE=pony89;4054951]
The way some women talk about their SOs, you can tell that they actually have disdain for them! Of course they are not supportive! How would you feel if that was how your DH felt about you! It is very hurtful.
Every person, man or woman, deserves to be the priority to the other person in the marriage. Not overshadowed by a horse, dog, bike, or golf habit.
I am convinced that a happy man is a supportive man, and that an unsupportive guy is generally dissatisfied, and the horses are the easiest thing to pinpoint.[/QUOTE]
I agree with you, but there’s the flip side too.
I stayed at home with my kid, left my career. It WAS a choice, but it was also a personal and financial sacrifice. It has hurt me emotionally and in terms of self esteem immensely.
Then I had to retire my horse- who I rode very little anyway, but it’s still life altering to a girl who rode every single day and waited her whole life to do just that.
That was a hit to me as well. It was, I agree, my choice.
But the disdain I might exhibit towards my DH is a direct result of the after effects of ‘giving up’ what I did [by choice] and the oft lurking idea that I should be grateful for having had the opportunity to do so. Like it should ‘be enough’ to just have that. Hey I am a way more complex [and interesting] person than that!
Meanwhile, comparatively, my husbands life has changed very little- he gets up at the exact same time goes the exact same job, etc, etc as he has for the last 20 years.
I don’t see it so much as being ‘overhadowed’ by a horse as much as realizing and recognizing what the horse [in and of itself] and the sport means to your partner. I know for me the only thing my husband can share as an ambition/goal like mine to ride is ‘to play for the Yankees’. It was obvious by the time he was 18 that wasn’t gonna’ happen and even before then it wasn’t like Baseball was his life so it wasn’t like he ever really tried to pursue that ‘dream’ anyway. Meanwhile I put everything I had behind my desire and goal to ride [and with every understanding that the Olympics weren’t factoring in there].
{more later- late for appt but did not want to lose these thoughts}
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Oh I think I am going to give my husband a big kiss when I get home tonight. Even though he does not enjoy riding and think that I’m nut wanting to stay on the back of a horse, he helps in anyway he can, and never complain about the expenses we spend on horses. He trailers us to shows and help us setup. He even polishes and paint hooves.
Yes I work full time and make decent money, but if I don’t have horses, we could have fancier car, bigger house, luxurious vacation, and the list goes on and on. He also understands that if we don’t have horses, I would be a bxxch to live with.
One time he was pouty, “quit making out with your horse!” I asked him, “would you prefer me to making out with other men?” He got over it when I told him, “you are my favorite person in the world” and got a big wet kiss on both cheeks. I don’t know. Maybe he just has a big heart and is confident enough that even though he is fully aware that I dote on our horses and one cat more than him, he is happy to be “my favorite person”.
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[QUOTE=Ambrey;4054882]
Oh geez. No, he’s not complaining, but maybe she isn’t sniping at him every time he wants to spend a penny on something for himself either.[/QUOTE]
Actually we do have more than a few… discussions …about money (which is the #1 topic to fight over for most couples) especially since the biz is still in the “capitalization” (read, big expenses for purchasing equipment) stage. We posted losses in 2007 and last year; this year we might break even. So yes, there is some strain there. I just console myself with the thought that at least it’s deductable.
My hubby has no interest whatsoever in horses, but he knew getting into our relationship that it’s a huge part of my life. I had a (retired) horse when we first met, and even though I had to have that horse put down a couple of years into our relationship, I made it clear that I’d be getting another one again at some point. Well, that “some point” presented itself last September when I adopted an OTTB… I guess you can say I “asked” hubby if he’d be OK with me getting a horse again, but in reality I think he knew if he said NO it would have been a major blow to our relationship.
So I adopted the horse, and within a month, hubby went out and bought himself a $1200 kayak plus $hundreds$ more in gear. 
Anyway, I’d say my hubby is rather supportive of my horse habit, insofar as he doesn’t complain about it. But I’m mindful of a couple of things:
–I try not to talk about my horse as if he was “the other guy,” as hard as that is to NOT do sometimes… even though when I come home from the barn I feel like I could go on for an hour about how good Horsie was on the trail today, or how adorable he looks in his new splint boots, or whatever, I try to keep the barn talk short and talk about things that Hubby has some sort of an interest in. I don’t want Hubby thinking Horsie is more important than he is.
–I limit my “barn days” to 3x/week. Friday nights are our “date nights” and Sundays are reserved for non-horse-related fun stuff (bike rides, canoeing, whatever). On the weeknights I AM home, I make nice dinners, we catch up on TiVo together, etc. I try to make “couples time” a priority.
–I don’t expect him to pick up slack around the house because I’m spending so much time at the barn. Our household chores are basically divided into the stuff neither one of us wants to do… I cook, do the dishes, keep the house reasonably clean, mow the lawn (all of which he hates), and he maintains the cars, does the household repairs, trims the hedges, and fixes stuff (all of which I hate). This basically means I have very little “down time” anymore, but that’s OK.
–I don’t get on him for spending his own time or $$ on stuff I think is a waste. We have our own bank accounts and our bills are divided up; he’s extremely responsible about paying everything on time, and what he does with his “extra” money is his business. He loves playing video games (which I think is a complete waste of time/$$), but I don’t bug him about it. I’m sure he thinks the same about my horse, but he doesn’t bug ME about it, so it’s only fair.
–We both recognize that it’s OK to have different hobbies. Heck, if we WERE around each other 24/7, I’m pretty sure we’d be at each other’s throats. It’s GOOD to have lives of ones’ own, you know?
I agree with the others that say it is about communication. All this stuff needs to be worked out, talked about, and decided upon. I also believe that includes budgeting. I also think it is easy to forget to work on the marriage and the relationship as much, well really more, as the horses!!
There are some people, men and women, that are just jerks. I get Trak’s point but that doesn’t explain why there are so many SOs that are jealous and unsupportive when they aren’t even living together yet. That should be a big red flag and well, if you married them anyway, shame on you!
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Opposites may attract but these writings are all thoughtful reasons to think about having relationships involving common interests; that is if you really like spending time with your companion….human companion. Life is a gift; too precious to waste sharing with an unsupportive, unappreciative partner. Been there done that; twenty years I’ll never be able to re-coupe. I’d rather live out my life alone then be trapped in the situations I see repeating over and over in this thread. So, I want to thank everyone who participated in this thread for reaffirming my love for my two little dog buddies, photography, my love of horses and my solitude.
Thank you.
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