No. He understands how important it is to me. there was a time when I was not doing a very good job of balancing barn time and time with my husband, even then he rarely complained. I just make sure that there is a balance there - between horse time and family time.
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[QUOTE=Gloria;4055062]
Maybe he just has a big heart and is confident enough that even though he is fully aware that I dote on our horses and one cat more than him, he is happy to be “my favorite person”.[/QUOTE]
This, I think, is big.
I think there has to be an understanding that the relationship the rider has with the horse is different and separate and can’t even be compared to the relationship rider has with other people, incl their SO.
Maybe defining the relationships as incomparable would help defuse the competition/jealousy?
I know alot of the frustration on my end is for lack of being ‘understood’ about what this means to me, and how much a part of who I am this is? No one in my life ever ‘got it’ except maybe sorta’ my sister. It’s hard when people poo-poo what you do/like, when they haven’t fully understood it.
Am I making any sense?
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I’ve read a number of similar threads to this, and I have to add that I think it’s usually less about the horse, and more about underlying issues such as communication, finances, and time management. Face it - horses/riding costs a buttload of money. If one spouse is subsidizing an expensive hobby which is not financially sustainable that is a problem. If you’re dedicating tons of time to the horse and the barn, but leaving out quality time with your s/o or spouse then that is a problem (I would be no less irked if my bf was spending all weekend in the garage working on his motorcycle). There has to be communication and balance.
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[QUOTE=Freelance;4055335]
Opposites may attract but these writings are all thoughtful reasons to think about having relationships involving common interests; that is if you really like spending time with your companion….human companion. Life is a gift; too precious to waste sharing with an unsupportive, unappreciative partner. Been there done that; twenty years I’ll never be able to re-coupe. I’d rather live out my life alone then be trapped in the situations I see repeating over and over in this thread. So, I want to thank everyone who participated in this thread for reaffirming my love for my two little dog buddies, photography, my love of horses and my solitude.
Thank you.[/QUOTE]
I don’t know. Some of the most successful relationships that I’ve read about on this thread are with two partners with differing hobbies. It sounds like some of the bigger conflicts are occurring when the SO doesn’t seem to have a hobby passion of his own.
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[QUOTE=equest;4055466]
I’ve read a number of similar threads to this, and I have to add that I think it’s usually less about the horse, and more about underlying issues such as communication, finances, and time management. Face it - horses/riding costs a buttload of money. If one spouse is subsidizing an expensive hobby which is not financially sustainable that is a problem. If you’re dedicating tons of time to the horse and the barn, but leaving out quality time with your s/o or spouse then that is a problem (I would be no less irked if my bf was spending all weekend in the garage working on his motorcycle). There has to be communication and balance.[/QUOTE]
So you think if this was a board for those who competed in Gymnastics, golf, or figure skating would we also hear about un-supportive spouses?
OP, it’s impossible to say if your husband is being unreasonable or not. But it sounds like you and he need to examine what’s going on in your relationship and make some adjustments. Because you both sound very unhappy.
Those who think the ability to pay for your horses (or any hobby) plus half the household expenses is some kind of validating issue are missing the point. Marriage doesn’t mean you divide responsibilities right down the middle and say “these are yours, these are mine, now we’re even.” It’s about sharing your life with someone, and that is not an easy proposition. Joseph Campbell referred to it as the “ordeal of marriage,” and he was right.
Over the long haul, the efforts of the two people involved may eventually even out to 50/50. But in the short run – and that can mean anything from hours, to weeks and even months – the meter swings from 90/10 to 60/40 to 20/80 and all over the place. And if all you can do is focus on keeping score, then you don’t have much of a marriage to begin with.
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[QUOTE=Angela Freda;4055431]
I know alot of the frustration on my end is for lack of being ‘understood’ about what this means to me, and how much a part of who I am this is? No one in my life ever ‘got it’ except maybe sorta’ my sister. It’s hard when people poo-poo what you do/like, when they haven’t fully understood it.[/QUOTE]
That must be very frustrating, to feel like what is interesting/important to you doesn’t matter to someone very important to you.
I think what helps me is that I don’t need my husband to understand what this means to me. My parents didn’t understand it. I do have friends that understand it. My husband doesn’t understand why a perfect right lead canter, or a really great sidepass is such a thrill to me, although to his credit, when I try to regale him with the tale, he does his best to be interested. The fact is, if I need someone to be ecstatic about it with me, I call up my best friend.
It sounds like you really feel like you have lost something since you have had to give up your career/horses to raise your kids, even though staying home with your kids is a priority to you.
I do read your posts with interest, including your earlier note, because hopefully at some point I will be in your shoes. If we have a family, I will be giving up a career that interests and fulfills me, and brings home more than half of our income (including the half that pays for the horse.) I don’t know yet how or if I will be able to keep the horse - certainly at this point, it would involve a part time job for someone.
Although both parents do some sacrificing when a child joins the family, I am well aware that my life, like yours, will be changing drastically, while my husband’s general routine won’t change a lot. I know it will be hard for me - I have always enjoyed the intellectual stimulation at my job, and I’m sure life home with a baby will hardly be in the same galaxy as my life right now.
I speak from the position of no experience whatsoever, but I really feel like being a mom has to be among the highest callings you can be blessed with. I’m sure there will be a day that I mutter that to myself over and over while wading through toys and changing diapers.:lol: It is a tremendous opportunity to get to stay home with your kids if you want to, and I also know that it requires a lot of dedication and a major sacrifice, especially on the mom’s part. I’m sorry that you feel so unappreciated in what you are doing, but let me say at least that I appreciate your sacrifice (and so do your kids). I have nothing but respect for a woman who makes the decision to leave a fulfilling career because they feel it is best if they are home with their kids.
Again, with no experience here, and not much knowledge of your situation, I think if I were in your shoes, I would be talking to your husband about how the effort to have a stay at home parent is a team effort. Even if I had to choke it out, I would try to let him know that I appreciate what he contributes to the effort. Certainly, your life has changed far more drastically, but he does have the pressure of being the only provider, and his standard of living is cut in half without your income. He may have co-workers who are out partying all the time, with no care or responsibilities, while he feels a big burden of responsibility for his family.
I tend to be a little naive, and always looking for the best in people, but maybe he needs to feel like you respect his contributions. Maybe he feels like you resent him for how your life has changed, even though he feels helpless to make it better for you.
I know that you shouldn’t have to say this to him in order to get some appreciation from him. But all of us can be self centered at times, and sometimes if you can even go a little overboard in modeling what you need from your spouse, it can shake them out of the rut so they can give it back to you. It doesn’t feel like you should have to, but if the end result is that you both get what you need, I don’t see what it could hurt to try.
But, I don’t know anything about you, so if you feel like this really doesn’t capture your situation, just ignore it. I have just noticed your posts on this issue and I really feel for you. I could very well be in the same situation in a few years, so I have always found your posts thought-provoking. It has caused me to do a lot of reflecting on how my husband and I can best handle the transition should we ever get to that point
Amen…
How about someone like me? I wasn’t into horses when I met my husband. But got back into them right after we got married. So there wasn’t the “but you knew I was into horses when you married me” thing.
I took lessons for awhile and then when I thought I was ready to buy, I sat down with hubby and we discussed it. Figured out if it was in the budget, etc. When we both came to the conclusion that it was, I went horse shopping. 
But what “cnvh” posted above is very accurate in my household.
-
I try not to talk too much about my horse when I get home from the barn. Though the first thing out of hubby’s mouth is, “How was Stitch?”. :winkgrin:
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I go to the barn 4-5 days a week. So I’m not there everyday. And I’m always home at a reasonable hour during the week since I go right after work (8pm at the latest).
-
We, too, have chores divided up. And seperate bank accounts. My hubby’s theory about the horse stuff is… Honey, if you can afford it… go for it.
All he has ever asked is that I pay for the horse stuff on my own. No going to him and saying, “Um, hon… I’m short this month… could you give me money for board?”. Though I know if I was in deep with a major emergency, he’d be there. But that’s outside the norm. -
We both have seperate hobbies. I don’t hound him about his, and he doesn’t hound me about being at the barn. He’s actually the one that will shove me out the door on days I’m kinda “iffy” about going. He actually spends just about as much time doing his hobby, as I do on my horse. There is one night a week that neither of us do our hobby. That’s our, “chill out at home together” night (Thur). And on weekends, neither of us are at our hobby all day. So that leaves about 1/2 day on Sat and Sun. So it works out for us. And we do things together.
Just like “cnvh” posted… we’d probably kill each other if we together 24/7. When we go on vacation, after a few days… we need to take a breather and he’ll go off and do something and I’ll chill on the beach or the hotel or whatever. :lol:
We are both pretty independent people. He doesn’t need me to hold his hand… and vice versa. I think that’s why our relationship works. He has never done the “but you don’t spend time with me” whine. EVER. And I don’t do it to him. He also works ALOT and travels for work pretty frequently. I’m not 100% thrilled with that… but I can’t complain. Because his income is 4x what mine is, he pays all the household bills. I’m only responsible for my personal stuff. But it’s the trade off we agreed on. He doesn’t mind paying for most of our bills… but he’s very career oriented so my part is being supportive and understanding of the time away from home so he can have that career.
- Hubby knows a bit about horses. He can groom, tack up and even ride a little bit. And when I go out of town (which isn’t often), he’ll look in on my horse for me. And he comes to the barn about once a month or so to watch me ride and take pics/video. And he’s only missed 1 show of mine (he was out of town).
** I’ve been to his dojo (his hobby is martial arts) a bit too. And have watched him in class. And have been to every one of his “tests”.
Works for us!
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Well…my DH and I have gone through different phases of ‘tolerance’. There was before we were married, when he was very supportive, used to come out the the barn with me, help clean stalls, even got talked into ‘riding’ a couple of times.
Then there was post marriage, before children, where he stopped being "supportive’, but was not hostile.
Then there was the post-child, where he got downright angry when I would refuse to sell my horse, even though I hardly spent any time at the barn because of my baby. That was a very hard time for me, and it quickly became apparent to myself, at least, that I really do NEED horses in my life.
Then we separated, and I took my son and my horse with me.
NOW, we are back together, and have been for 3 years since our 3 month “time out”. I realize that I cannot spend every spare moment at the barn like I would like, he realizes that being ‘me’, means having my horse and being involved with him. He also got a hobby - MMA Cage Fighting, where he trains 5 days a week after work.
So, now he does his thing and I support him. I do my thing and he supports me. (By ‘support’, I mean that he doesn’t complain much, as long as he isn’t directly involved in anything ‘horsey’) Then there are things that we do together, like riding our motorcycles together and with his family.
He actually shocked that crap out of me a few months ago when we were having a discussion about my -now- older gelding, and when “the time comes”. He actually said that I should get another horse after my current guy passes. Talk about sticker shock…:eek:
[QUOTE=mp;4055543]
O And if all you can do is focus on keeping score, then you don’t have much of a marriage to begin with.[/QUOTE]
Isn’t that the point, that the non-horsey SO IS keeping score? by being jealous, and quibbling over what/how much is spent on horses?
–I don’t get on him for spending his own time or $$ on stuff I think is a waste. We have our own bank accounts and our bills are divided up; he’s extremely responsible about paying everything on time, and what he does with his “extra” money is his business. He loves playing video games (which I think is a complete waste of time/$$), but I don’t bug him about it. I’m sure he thinks the same about my horse, but he doesn’t bug ME about it, so it’s only fair.
–We both recognize that it’s OK to have different hobbies. Heck, if we WERE around each other 24/7, I’m pretty sure we’d be at each other’s throats. It’s GOOD to have lives of ones’ own, you know?
These are the things that made the BIGGEST difference for us. Squabling over who was hogging all of the money for their “fun” made a bad situation worse. Now we have our own responsibilities, our own spending money, and our own “fun”.
LSM1212, I think the fact that I was very independent hurt me in the long run.
I bought and paid for everything I did horsey as well as my own support until I had our son.
We agreed I should stay home with kidlet, and that loss of independence [from financial to physical] has left me frustrated and sensitive.
There is no perfect relationship. You either stand your ground or move on.
My hubby went through the following phases…
I hate my wife’s hobby.
Well she said deal with it, or not, but horses ain’t going anywhere.
Guess I have to deal with it.
Horses are fun to take pictures of. Hmm they aren’t so bad afterall.
It’s kind of cool to have horses at home.
These horses are a riot.
I want my own horse.
Okay, riding isn’t my deal, but wife’s horse hobby is fun for me too.
It’s great to ‘show off’ horses to my friends!
[QUOTE=Char;4055605]
These are the things that made the BIGGEST difference for us. Squabling over who was hogging all of the money for their “fun” made a bad situation worse. Now we have our own responsibilities, our own spending money, and our own “fun”.[/QUOTE]
So what if there is only one income in the family? Would it be acceptable to divide the disposable income and send half to each bank account?
Or is that still the wife taking “his” money?
(p.s. how much disposable income would there be if he was a single father of 2 school aged kids, do you think? After full-time daycare, the lost wages due to having to miss work for sick kids, orthodontist appointments, and so on ad infinitum?)
Oh, brother. This is the 21st century. It’s not like the “housewife” had to wash clothes by hand or lug water from a stream. I just don’t buy it.
btw, agree 100% with Trak.
[QUOTE=Fluffie;4053953]
One huge horsefly in the ointment: This train of thought implies that the only contribution each person makes to the relationship is money. And by extension, stay-at-home moms/wives should merely be grateful that they are “given” a roof over their heads (to clean under), food (to cook for the husband as well), and clothes (to wash and iron for him too). Never mind the brats to raise (or the cost of BC). So before anyone starts fussing about the expensive “toys” that these wives need financed, perhaps the breadwinner should total up the cost it would run to hire people (because just one houseworker won’t cut it) to fulfill all the obligations that the typical stay-at-home wife does, including the court costs involved in soliciting prostitutes :lol:.
And yes, merely reverse the genders if the situation warrents.
And yes again, I am self-supporting.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=xeroxchick;4055636]
Oh, brother. This is the 21st century. It’s not like the “housewife” had to wash clothes by hand or lug water from a stream. I just don’t buy it.
btw, agree 100% with Trak.[/QUOTE]
Ah, now there are two people who have proven that they have never been a stay at home mom
My horse habit definitely contributed to the demise of my first marriage. It wasn’t the horses per se; it was how I managed everything.
My ex-husband, however, DID have hobbies of his own- he spent more nights out at ballgames and concerts than he did at home. He was obsessive about it, much like I was horses.
I also was paying for all expenses- mortgage and utilities as well as all the horse bills. He was a disaster financially; I paid for EVERYTHING.
Honestly, I felt pretty unappreciated for this, and he felt pretty unappreciated in that I spent so much time at the barn, with little time carved out for him. I think we had drifted apart a bit before that though, and mostly due to the fact that the two of us had very poor communication… he seemed disinterested when I tried to engage, and he was uncomfortable expressing his feelings.
The marriage ultimately ended in his infidelity; a younger woman was around that was willing to fill up whatever he felt was missing in his life (I think he needed the ego boost and the doting). When I discovered his affair, he claimed to want the marriage, but the affair had been going on way too long behind my back and I knew I couldn’t get over it.
When I met my current husband, he was well aware of the time commitment I had made to pursue riding. He was always supportive, even after I had a serious accident requiring major surgery- he was the one that convinced me to keep riding, even the horse I had the accident on (it WAS my fault after all).
But the difference really was that I had learned a very hard lesson from my previous marriage- communication is just so vital- we can’t waste time sweeping things under the rug. I knew my previous marriage was in trouble, but thought we were good enough friends to get through it… that “eventually” things would get better. But, there is no eventually- there is only now. I have never been happier than I am now with DH, and it’s because we make an EFFORT to let each other know how important we are to each other, and when we have issues, we address them immediately. This way, resentment never builds… and that’s poisonous to a marriage.
Mr. T grumbles about the work they generate but that’s about it. As far as the time and money… he basically says its my money, and that pretty much means that as long as I have horses, I’m gonna have to work.
Then again, he bought property, built house and barn, put up fencing, pays the mortgage, bought tractor and spreader and chain harrow, so I guess I’m luckier than most. And yeah, I surely do appreciate him, even on his bad days!
I do support my DH and even moved to 60 miles north of our southern border. And yes I have the demanding day-to-day job that pays most of the bills. But as many other posters have mentioned, it is a partnership, and the money is not my money, your money, it is our money. Moving made him truely happy and me as I am much happier with him than without.
Perhaps we would all be better off not making sweeping generalizations.
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have yet to see anyone vilifying stay at home parents on this thread - why the defensiveness?
