Does anyone else have the unsupportive husband issue?

[CamdenLab]

I always loved horses and had them when I was younger. My fiance thought that was really cool. :lol: I told him that when I made $10k more, I would buy a horse. He laughed. Then I was offered a job and negotiated exactly a $10k increase in pay. He stopped laughing when my horse walked off the trailer. Then, he bought a new motorcycle. So, I thought we were “even.”

Boy, that first several months was hard. He’s jealous by nature. Before having a horse I had set a precedent and cooked and cleaned pretty much 100%. With a horse, I just couldn’t do it, so dinners were late, the house was a mess and things were just not good. I was stressed out, he was hungry and irritated and we were both resentful. I could have killed him for all the nasty comments like, “I bet the horse’s stall is cleaner than our house.” or “The horse always eats before the family!”.

There was also a financial aspect to this, and the motorcycle has a high insurance rate and we make payments on it. Plus, he has three children from his first marriage. So, while he was paying for half of my horse, I was paying for half of the motorcycle and three kids. If I needed money for anything I felt guilty. I stopped taking lessons. At one point I considered selling my horse – it just wasn’t enjoyable anymore.

I moved the horse to a partial care barn to save money and time since it was 15 minutes from home. Well, because it was partial care, I wasn’t getting home until 8PM every single night because I was spending so much time on chores. Then, I part-leased my horse to save money and time. Still, not good enough. Plus, I was not happy at all with the boarding facility.

Something had to be done.

First, I put my foot down and separated our finances. We have joint bills and the rest is ours to spend as we wish. I can support my horse habit on my own. In fact, if we seperated, I’d have more money. I’m paying half the mortgage on a four bedroom house that is way more than I need, since I have no children of my own. I also pay for half of a cable bill, which I wouldn’t have alone, half of a home phone bill, which I wouldn’t have, etc. I still buy food for dinners on occasion, though usually I just buy food for me since they eat a lot of junk and stuff I don’t like. I help with birthday and Christmas gifts, etc. and I do stuff with the kids that cost money.

Second, I changed my time situation. My fiance gets up at 4:30AM for work Tuesday - Friday so he’s in bed by 9PM during the week. I used to get up around 7AM and go to bed around 11PM. I found a facility that I liked and met our needs in every way (it took a long time!) and negotiated with the barn owner to feed in the mornings Tuesday - Friday. So, we get up together and we go to bed together. We get to spend some time together after work, too. On the weekends, since it’s full care, I go to the barn when it’s convenient for everyone and I might not go if we have other things happening. I always take Mondays off from the barn and try to get home as early as possible, since that is a day off for him.

Third, I told him that he’d have to help out around the house and I couldn’t do it all – this was true whether or not I had a horse and it was an issue before the horse. It was met with a little resentment, but eventually he started pitching in. I still do the laundry and if he’s working hard outside or sleeping in because he’s tired from a hard week at work, I’ll make breakfast or do extra work inside. The kids pitch in, too, and have weekly chores. I was even cooking all meals at one point, but now he cooks most of the time.

Lastly, I don’t really talk about the horse and I don’t tell him about vet bills or purchasing tack. In general, I have horsey friends and non-horsey friends. I don’t talk horses with non-horsey friends and I group him in that bunch. I talk to him about the best time for me to go the barn on weekends and I give him advance notice if I won’t be around for a meal or event due to the horse. Since the changes, I have found that he’ll ask me about the horse more and for my birthday and Easter, he bought me tack or gift certificates for tack!

We have other issues and I’m not sure we’ll make it in the end, but the changes I made were surely for the better.

[mp]

[QUOTE=Angela Freda;4055603]
Isn’t that the point, that the non-horsey SO IS keeping score? by being jealous, and quibbling over what/how much is spent on horses?[/QUOTE]

Not being happy with something your spouse does is not keeping score. It’s called being married.

Keeping score means you compare “what I do for him” to “what he does for me” instead of trying to find a way you can accommodate each other. Because the non-horsey SO’s complaint probably has some validity. As does the horsey SO’s point that “he just doesn’t understand.” But if each stubbornly clings to his or her idea of what’s right, fighting for what’s “fair,” then you’re building walls, not a marriage.

Life ain’t fair, and marriage is hard work. If the marriage isn’t worth compromising for, then it’s obviously not worth the hard work.

[lesyl]

@mp;4055741

Not being happy with something your spouse does is not keeping score. It’s called being married.

Keeping score means you compare “what I do for him” to “what he does for me” instead of trying to find a way you can accommodate each other. Because the non-horsey SO’s complaint probably has some validity. As does the horsey SO’s point that “he just doesn’t understand.” But if each stubbornly clings to his or her idea of what’s right, fighting for what’s “fair,” then you’re building walls, not a marriage.

Life ain’t fair, and marriage is hard work. If the marriage isn’t worth compromising for, then it’s obviously not worth the hard work.

MP you bring up a good point about not clinging stubbornly to ideas/ideals and perceptions.

[cuatx55]

No, I have had nothing but support but its a constant awareness to keep perspective and balance. Sometimes I don’t blame the guy when I hear of what some women put them though. I would do the same thing.

I hope you work something out, a good marriage is worth fighting for.

[DressageGeek_Ribbon]

I think it is all a matter of compromise, and knowing and understanding what is bottom line important to you.

I am not married. However, when I was in college, I was told by guys I was dating “Sure, you could go to grad school! I’m getting that job in Podunk, Iowa, I bet you could get a master’s or something? and then maybe work as a tech?” I assumed when I went to grad school (The Rockefeller University in NYC, a prestigious biomedical research institute) that the guys there would understand the drive and desire for a career in biomedical research. Instead, I was informed I could be their unpaid tech (when they - not me! - became a faculty member at a university). The concept of them becoming MY tech simply didn’t compute.

Granted, that was at a time when fewer women pursued this type of career. But for me, I did not feel that I had to give up everything I’d worked and strived for, and that was so important to me, simply because the assumption was made that the male partner’s work was more important.

Another dealbreaker was kids. I appreciate this is critical for many. I didn’t want them. I dated some guys who did, and I was honest with them. So the relationships went no further, and no hard feelings. I could also appreciate where religion (and the practice thereof) could also be a dealbreaker.

I have the luxury now to spend as much time as I want with my research and my horse and my outreach work. Should I meet someone in whom I am interested, the dynamics would just have to change, because as with the career, and my horsemanship, and my outreach, it takes work, it takes compromise, it takes sacrifice. But presumably the relationship is worth that.

And you know what? For the opportunity to have such a relationship - the kind my parents have shared for over 59 years - I would do that. And the important thing is, I wouldn’t consider it a sacrifice, because it would just be that important to me.

[Gloria]

[QUOTE=Angela Freda;4055431]
This, I think, is big.
I think there has to be an understanding that the relationship the rider has with the horse is different and separate and can’t even be compared to the relationship rider has with other people, incl their SO.
Maybe defining the relationships as incomparable would help defuse the competition/jealousy?

I know alot of the frustration on my end is for lack of being ‘understood’ about what this means to me, and how much a part of who I am this is? No one in my life ever ‘got it’ except maybe sorta’ my sister. It’s hard when people poo-poo what you do/like, when they haven’t fully understood it.

Am I making any sense?[/QUOTE]

I remember years ago my husband asked me, “do yo love me more or do you love our horses/cat more?” I said, “honey, it is really unfair for you to compare with them…” and with a big sweet smile, I continued, “you see, you don’t have silky nose, you aren’t covered with fur for me to rub on… But you are my favorite person in the world”.

I think he was shocked initially to hear me so shamelessly blatant declare my affections for animals above humans but then he felt funny about it. He even smiled when I looked straight into his eyes, “darling, aren’t you so proud that you are above all human beings?”

If he weren’t this kind of person, I don’t think I would have married him…

[rainechyldes]

[QUOTE=Ambrey;4055642]
Ah, now there are two people who have proven that they have never been a stay at home mom ;)[/QUOTE]

I have been a stay at home mom(6 years) , and I agree with Trak et al, so… what does that make me?

During the time frame that I stayed at home when the boys were small, and we had one income, I downsized my horse hobby. I sold everything but one broodie, and one of my riding horses. The broodmare got leased out for several years, the riding horse I had a partial lease on with a long time friend who rode him and showed him, while I rode only 2 x a week.

Why? Because we had 1 income, 2 small children. and I owed it to my family and myself to be responsible about horse costs during that time, and spend time with him and the boys. Horses aren’t the only lifelong commitment I made.

I didn’t downsize because hubby was whining, I downsized because I had a reasonable sense of financial and emotional priorities in our lives at the time ( ie, - I was responsible!!!)

When the boys got older (in school) I re-entered the workforce, too back up my end of the responsibilities, and I then began rebuilding my horse business. And I always am paranoid about making sure that if if anything catastrophic were to happen to either myself or the SO (knock in wood) that the other person wouldn’t lose everything the next day, ad be financially in a bind.
Everything is done within a long term budget of whatif (hubby calls me the safety nazi_ I call it being smart)

Guess what, I have 8 horses in training/competition & , broodies, a full size farm, and I still will drop any horse event/planned ride in a second, if my children or husband need my attention right there and then. (scraped knee, sore throat, he’s working late, and won’t have time to make dinner, someone is upset/stressed about whatever, whathaveyou. -)

It’s called being a family. Family first - horses second. Always.
Horses make me happy and content -but my husband and my children are the ones who make my life complete, and they are the real reason why I get up every day with a smile on my face.

Maybe thats why my SO doesn’t bitch and moan about my horses and their costs. I have my priorities straight.

[Trevelyan96]

I think one of the main ingredients of a successful relationship is that you have to always look at in the context of YOUR relationship, and not compare it to anyone else’s.

DH and I have been through several stages in our relationship, and on the surface it would appear to any outsider (and even to me sometimes) that I definitely got the better part of the deal. He’s a good provider and an awesome dad. He takes his responsibilities to our home and family very seriously and is solid as a rock. The tradeoff to that is that he’s not the most emotionally fulfilling person in the world, and I’m almost the exact opposite. I’m a demonstrative, talkative, emotional butterfly. And I went through a stage where I just felt totally unloved and uappreciated, even though I was being well taken care of, and was probably not the best or most appreciative spouse in the world. And a lot of that had to do with the fact that I was comparing OUR relationship with what I thought were the IDEAL relationships other people had, or the one in my own imagination.

For many years, I just let DD provide him with his companionship and I went and did my own thing. I was pretty sure our marriage would nosedive once she went off to college.

As things have turned out, the opposite has happened, but it was ME who changed. I GREW UP and realized that what brought us together in the first place wasn’t romance or sex or shared interests. It was our basic values and committment to our home and family. So now I make an effort to watch TV with my couch potato, which is really not my thing, but he appreciates the companionship, and in return he lets me sleep in on weekends and feeds the boys. And I appreciate him for being the solid as a rock, committed DH that a lot of other women think are hard to find.

This was long, but what I’m trying to say, is step back and look at your relationship with your SO through YOUR eyes, and theirs, and don’t compare it to anyone else’s. The mintue you start comparing, you’ll start nit-picking. As the saying goes, there will always be someone skinner, better looking, richer, or smarter, so don’t fall into that trap.

[Equibrit]

Yup…
Never lifted a finger, or even ventured outside. It meant he couldn’t see the tv.
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Fired him !

[rhymeswithfizz]

[QUOTE=rainechyldes;4055883]

It’s called being a family. Family first - horses second. Always.

Maybe thats why my SO doesn’t bitch and moan about my horses and their costs. I have my priorities straight.[/QUOTE]

Agreed.

We have two little ones and I am half-stay-at-home-mom, working part time. All horse decisions we made, we made together. We both knew it wasn’t possible or fair for us to have kids with me working full time AND going to the barn 7 days a week AND showing every other weekend. So, horse time got cut back - a half lease made continuing to ride and show now and then possible by easing the financial and time committment. Eventually we decided to get horse property, to pour board money into a mortgage instead of flushing it down the proverbial toilet every month. Recently sold my hunter and switched back to eventing because it is cheaper. I still get my horse time, but finances are TIGHT so I have to get creative on how to pay for lessons, shows, tack, etc. because at the end of the day, I’m the one who balances the checkbook.

[Ambrey]

How does having to make responsible financial decisions have ANYTHING to do with the assertion that you should feel “grateful [your husband is] supporting your life beyond what you can afford?” (Trakehner’s quote)

I feel grateful to the powers that be that we’ve been comfortable and happy. I can afford a horse. Why? Because the income of the partnership in which I am an equal allows for it. No, he doesn’t get free reign to snipe at me and make me miserable in return (thank goodness he doesn’t, he got posted in the “good hubby” thread rather than this one).

If I was still single and working as an engineer, as I was when we married, I’d have a heck of a lot more disposable income than I do now. I’m not bowing in gratitude to my husband for bringing my standard of living up to this level. I am grateful to him for being a part of my life, for giving me a happy marriage, a happy home, and two amazing kids- but not for “supporting me beyond the level to which I could support myself.” My ability to support myself to that level of comfort was one of the things I sacrificed to be a stay at home parent, a sacrifice I made for the children we both wanted.

[BlueEyedSorrel]

[QUOTE=DressageGeek “Ribbon Ho”;4055798]
And you know what? For the opportunity to have such a relationship - the kind my parents have shared for over 59 years - I would do that. And the important thing is, I wouldn’t consider it a sacrifice, because it would just be that important to me.[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

I think it comes down not so much to understanding as respect: respect for the other person’s hobbies, preferences and personality. He or she (in the case of the horsey man with the non-horsey woman) can respect that this is something incredibly important and fulfilling to their partner that makes them happy without necessarily understanding why finally getting a decent right lead canter depart is so phenomenal. And part of that respect is acknowledging that, contrary to all those corny “you are my everything” pop songs (insert vomiting icon here), one person is never going to fulfill another person’s every need.

To me, comments like “you love that horse more than me” or “that horse is such a stupid waste of money” indicate a lack of respect. Anytime one person in a relationship is dismissive, belittling or condescending about the other person’s passion, it’s a problem and it doesn’t matter if that passion is horses, a career, being a stay-at-home parent, writing the next great American novel;) or whatever. This does not mean that there can’t be compromise involved about how time/money is divied up. As the old saying goes, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
BES

[Falconfree]

[QUOTE=rainechyldes;4055883]
It’s called being a family. Family first - horses second. Always.
Horses make me happy and content -but my husband and my children are the ones who make my life complete, and they are the real reason why I get up every day with a smile on my face.

Maybe thats why my SO doesn’t bitch and moan about my horses and their costs. I have my priorities straight.[/QUOTE]

This needed to be quoted again. Very well said.

I love and adore my animals, but my husband comes first. I should note that when I say that my animals come second, that does NOT mean that they will have poor care or attention. Just to keep that clear.
I keep my priorities straight, and he doesn’t have a problem with my animal obsession.

[Lori]

Mine pretended to be interested when we first got together. I taught him to ride, he acted interested in foxhunting, so I was supportive of that even though I have no interest in hunting myself. Then he wanted to ride western pleasure, then gaited. Then he flipped the coin and hated it all.
Now he is the ex.
Sad, but since he faked it from the start it was bound for disaster.

[Angela_Freda]

[QUOTE=Trevelyan96;4055899]
So now I make an effort to watch TV with my couch potato, which is really not my thing, but he appreciates the companionship, and in return he lets me sleep in on weekends and feeds the boys. [/QUOTE]
Trev I know you didn’t mean it this way, but let me play with your quote, ok?

Some say there should be no score keeping… but your use of ‘in return’ means there is a score being kept… he does this so I do that. It’s an exchange, not something done because of simply caring about the person and the importance of the activity to that person.

What I would like to hear, say,… is:
I know he loves ___ so I make sure we do that together because I enjoy seeing him happy/how good he is at it/how his team works together/helping him train. He knows I love riding so he comes with me to videotape my clinics so I can learn from watching them and progress.

[Angela_Freda]

[QUOTE=BlueEyedSorrel;4055948]

I think it comes down not so much to understanding as respect: respect for the other person’s hobbies, preferences and personality. He or she (in the case of the horsey man with the non-horsey woman) can respect that this is something incredibly important and fulfilling to their partner that makes them happy without necessarily understanding why finally getting a decent right lead canter depart is so phenomenal. And part of that respect is acknowledging that, contrary to all those corny “you are my everything” pop songs (insert vomiting icon here), one person is never going to fulfill another person’s every need.

To me, comments like “you love that horse more than me” or “that horse is such a stupid waste of money” indicate a lack of respect. Anytime one person in a relationship is dismissive, belittling or condescending about the other person’s passion, it’s a problem and it doesn’t matter if that passion is horses, a career, being a stay-at-home parent, writing the next great American novel;) or whatever. This does not mean that there can’t be compromise involved about how time/money is divied up. As the old saying goes, it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
BES[/QUOTE]

Yes.
A quote I read once, about marriage, sums it up I think. something to the effect that your partner will be a witness to your life. Someone beside you who is there to see you be the best, most complete ‘you’ you can be whatever that includes.

[huntergirl007]

[QUOTE=onlyanarabian;4053748]
My DH thinks that if I spend money on my horses that he needs to buy a new toy. His hobby is 4 wheelers and dirtbikes which I can’t stand unless I can use it for work which all of his toys are racers. Only thing is that his toys are at home and my horses are 10 mins away.[/QUOTE]

Mhmm. I hear ya there! :yes: Try having one that races for a LIVING. It actually works out pretty well. He works on his bikes (“feeding them” I like to call it) and I’m 10 mins away at the “pony shop” he says. Then we meet in the middle for dinner! But weekends? We’re usually at a race.

Gosh darn.

[Char]

[QUOTE=Ambrey;4055633]
So what if there is only one income in the family? Would it be acceptable to divide the disposable income and send half to each bank account?

Or is that still the wife taking “his” money?

(p.s. how much disposable income would there be if he was a single father of 2 school aged kids, do you think? After full-time daycare, the lost wages due to having to miss work for sick kids, orthodontist appointments, and so on ad infinitum?)[/QUOTE]

Been there, done that. I’ve been back to work for a while now, but right after my son was born I waited a year and a half to go back to work. At that time, NOBODY had any “fun” money. We just did what we could to make ends meet until we felt ok to leave my son in daycare.

If there WERE disposable income, then yes, it would probably get split up between the 2 of us so that we each had our own spending money. We split our tax returns right down the middle every year as well. That’s what works for us.

Being a stay-at-home mom is a thankless job. No matter how important it is. Would I love to have time to take care of my child, house, yard, dinners and everything else? ABSOLUTELY. Is it feasable financially? Right now, no. Would I in the future if it became feasable…I don’t know. I really don’t like being taken for granted, and I know that would happen again.

In the end, you have to do what works for YOUR personalities. Splitting money, bank accounts and responsibilities works for us. Never said it would for you. I don’t remember anyone bashing housewives either…? Did I miss something?

[Fandango7]

This is not horse-related, but I highly recommend that everyone read “10 Things Women do to Mess Up Their Lives” by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. (There is also a couples one). Amazing book! It is for every woman and Dr. Laura is a big advocate for stay-at-home moms. It is a must read for every woman and I have read it probably 10 times. It is a cut-the-crap kind of book and I think it helped me stay with my non-horsey bf when we were having a difficult time.

[Angela_Freda]

[QUOTE=Fandango7;4057278]
This is not horse-related, but I highly recommend that everyone read “10 Things Women do to Mess Up Their Lives” by Dr. Laura Schlesinger.[/QUOTE]
Does she have the complimentary ‘10 things men do to mess up their lives’?