Don't know how much more I can take!

Ok…now my husband went to pick up his “new” car since ours was stolen…well he was going to pick me up from work so I could get some lunch…and ALAS, HE CALLS AND TELLS ME THAT MY CAR BROKE DOWN NOW!!! I know this is trivial but the last week has been the worst in the world…I just don’t know how much I can take…My husband and I have been fighting CONSTANTLY! Now all of a sudden, I find a barn and now he’s pissed that I got home late last Thursday. And he thinks 50$ for a lesson is horrible so he doesn’t know why I have to have One lesson a week…yet he can spend 50 a week on his police seagants classes…So I get home About 9;30pm. I walked in and he had the gaul to ask what I was cooking for dinner…after I had been work since 7;30 that morning. We’ve been fighting constantly!! Adn this whole car think it taking a toll now!! So I am sitting here…I haven’t eaten lunch. I am starving and am VERY cranky…I just want to cry right now…sorry!!! Just had to get that out!!

Barb

I swear, with everything happeneing and him working 12-16 hours a day, and EVERYTHING, I don’t know what to do…I feel a breakdown coming…I went home to CT and my mom said we don’t look happy at all and that I look miserable! Which I am…I want get away for a little vacation but they aren’t giving him his days off…So I think I might just go somewhere alone at this point!!!1

Ok…now my husband went to pick up his “new” car since ours was stolen…well he was going to pick me up from work so I could get some lunch…and ALAS, HE CALLS AND TELLS ME THAT MY CAR BROKE DOWN NOW!!! I know this is trivial but the last week has been the worst in the world…I just don’t know how much I can take…My husband and I have been fighting CONSTANTLY! Now all of a sudden, I find a barn and now he’s pissed that I got home late last Thursday. And he thinks 50$ for a lesson is horrible so he doesn’t know why I have to have One lesson a week…yet he can spend 50 a week on his police seagants classes…So I get home About 9;30pm. I walked in and he had the gaul to ask what I was cooking for dinner…after I had been work since 7;30 that morning. We’ve been fighting constantly!! Adn this whole car think it taking a toll now!! So I am sitting here…I haven’t eaten lunch. I am starving and am VERY cranky…I just want to cry right now…sorry!!! Just had to get that out!!

Barb

I swear, with everything happeneing and him working 12-16 hours a day, and EVERYTHING, I don’t know what to do…I feel a breakdown coming…I went home to CT and my mom said we don’t look happy at all and that I look miserable! Which I am…I want get away for a little vacation but they aren’t giving him his days off…So I think I might just go somewhere alone at this point!!!1

Unfortunately, I don’t have any good advice. All I can say is that I understand how you feel and you are not alone.

I struggle with high stress and anxiety, and I am afraid it is leading to depression. It’s been bad lately - my relationship has been really rough with both of us highly stressed and tired, my really good mare is lame and the vet hasn’t determined a prognosis (lots of sleepless nights), and I have so much stress with school and work (I won’t even go into the details).

I can’t really talk to my folks because I get a lecture about how I should just be appreciative for what I have and my SO thinks I am just overeacting to each situation. But, I am having a hard time just getting out of bed in the mornings, its hard to face each day and stay positive sometimes. Its just hard to keep acting like everything is okay when its not.

Good luck in your situation and keep your hopes up. I feel that if I make it out of bed each morning, there is still hope.

Thanks, just_me - that’s what I have been wondering about for awhile. Even when everything is going perfect, I still struggle with stress and anxiety. I would love to have one day where I am actually relaxed and perfectly happy - I am always worrying about something. Usually riding is the bright spot in my day - something about just going out and being with my horse. However, now with the added stress of the unknown lameness, my horse/riding is not even a relief anymore.

However, I did have a fantastic ride today on the mare I am working with at school. We really had some breakthroughs and at least for this afternoon I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

Sorry gwen, I don’t want to take away from your thread! Glad to hear things are looking up!

Usually, I would never disclose something this personal on here, but I feel better just getting it out in the open. Support is a good thing.

Gewn –

I hear you and you have my shoulder. You two have been through h*&@ and back. When it rains it pours.

Hey you both are under so much stress you are going to snap. You need time together and you don’t have it. Do you have cell phones so you can communicate and maybe go ridding when he is working late or try for early morning lessons. It is not easy –

Its not you he is upset with and try to let it blow over for now, then talk to him when he is calm and no yelling. We are all here for you.

Maria

My, my I have been in many of the situations that have been described. And as someone else said, there is some good advice already given.

I would just add, be sure to get whatever counseling you can. If your spouse or SO do not care to participate, do not hold it against them but do your own for yourself. A good trip to the library or bookstore might help. I found some wonderful literature at an Al-Anon meeting. A little book called Just For Today. About just that, take a task or emotion and realize we can do just about anything for one 24 hour period. And then build from there. Mine was as simple as “Be nice to everyone I talk to that day.” For me it can be a stretch.

Lots of good co-dependent writings out there as well. I think I hear strains of those issues with both gwen and KAM. Lord knows I have a barrel full of them to deal with.

Keep blabbing here…we are such a good rant!

“The older I get, the better I used to be, but who the heck cares!”

I hope everything gets a little better…Believe me, I UNDERSTAND!!! Believe me I do…Sometimes it’s hard just to get a smile on your face huh?? But we just have to try our hardest…Go give your horsey a hug!!! And bring some extra carrots…Making them happy always seems to bring a smile to my face! Just to see how happy they are when you get to the barn…Just think about that!!

Barb

Hey, this is our therapy board…I can’t talk to my mom about this stuff…You know mothers!! So it’s so nice to get some honest advice and opinions from people who I have so much in common with. Us horse people are more connected than we realize!

I know this means very little, but you have to weather the storm to enjoy the sun. These are the times you need to suck it up and say “YOU WONT BEAT ME!”
As far as the expense of lessons, you just need to say something along the lines of:
These riding lessons are bringing me a LOT of happiness and I think My happiness and mental well being is worth 50$ a week.
Hang in there girl! You ever need a super-dooper long weekend with trail rides and fox-huntin’ you just head down to Maryland. We can crash on the boat and bother Erin down in Annapolis
You know what I just realized? I love this little guy. This is so me. <—Thats the cutest little dude.

Dont mind me…just had to throw that in.

Always,
FairWeather
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you’re drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy

http://www.fairweather.bizland.com/entrance.html

Gwen,
Fear not, you obviously did not see the rant that I posted after getting to college. The thing about it is that it feels so good to flip out on the message boards, it actually works out well too, as this way you don’t say something you regret to someone. You can say whatever you like about things at home and no one is going to get mad or judge. It helps keep things in perspective. Add to that that everyone here has been through something along those lines and knows exactly how great the need to rant is.Hang in there.
marion

Hey Barb!

I’m off all weekend, come on up to Connecticut and we’ll meet somewhere for food and a few drinks. On The Border in Rocky Hill is always a good choice!!! If you don’t want to drive up, grab an Amtrack train to Berlin, I’m about 2 minutes from the train station!!!

Lori

All gave some…And some gave all…God bless the USA

HOnestly, guys, I don’t mean to complain like this but NOTHING is going right in our lives. It Just seems like one thing after another. And it NEVER ends!! He knows that I am not happy where we are right now and that Kills him and makes him more upset. and then the more we fight!!! This is supposed to still be our “honeymoon” period but honestly, it has been the furthest from that. We even had a sucky honeymoon…YUP!! We took a drive in Maui…and HIT A DOG WITH OUR CAR!!! Real romantic huh?? Of all places…so really NOTHING ever works out for us it seems!!

Barb

awww, Gwen…poor thing: you deserve to be happy right now and things are just crummy, eh? I really feel for you

Well, I’ve BTDT, and I can wholeheartedly agree with counselling. It takes a brave couple to admit there’s something amiss in a marriage, but that same couple will have a chance at staying together - something the rest of 'em won’t have.

My hot tips of the day in regards to talking to your SO are as follows:

  1. ask if SO has time to talk about something important right now.
  2. If answer is No, accept that graciously and ask when would be a good time? Set a date/time.
  3. If ans. is Yes, both sit down in a neutral place. Hold hands. You’d be amazed at how hard it is to fight when you’re holding hands
  4. Tell him you want to discuss x subject. Ask him if he will hear you out while you explain your feelings.
  5. Agree to avoid raising your voice to the One You Love Most at all costs
  6. Start all your sentences with “I feel” because feelings are never wrong. eg “I feel sad that I can’t ride without it causing problems between us.” instead of the blaming sound of “you’re stopping me from doing what I want!”
  7. When you have made your one point (and one is enough! He’ll start to feel very defensive if you pile on a litany of wrongdoings!) you have to ask him how he feels. And you have to be silent while he tells you.
  8. If anyone gets upset, angry, defensive, loud etc then you can call and end to the talk until everyone is calm. Don’t let things escalate.
  9. Stick to the one issue, take breaks, and talk like adults til you have reached a compromise/understanding.
  10. You are not fighting AGAINST each other, you are fighting FOR your marriage, together. remember that. DO NOT resort to yelling, name calling, deviations from the subject or bringing up $hit from the past. That’s not fair.

The name of the game is Avoid Defensive Situations. Try to keep it calm and non-blaming. It’s hard, but you can do it

But remember how YOU felt when you were sitting at home waiting for him to get home? Well that is probably a little like what he flet when you weren’t there when he expected you. He just reacted differently.

Hang in there. It may take a while to find the right (for you two) balance between independance, dependance, and interdepenance.

What you are going through is what women have endured for 4ooo years. You are not alone and part of a huge sisterhood.

We have always been made to feel guilty for anything that gives us just pleasure, and yes! what the husband needs is always critical and important because his work is more important and because he is more important.

So, if you are looking for equality, forget it! What always got me through those times was sitting myself down and considering the options. If in other ways he is basically a compatible person then accept his quirks. Would you have the money or time for the lessons if you were not together?

If you can make the argument that it’s cheaper for him than you having a breakdown, then make your case. Doctors charge a lot more than riding instructors. If this is your private time and you need that private time then convince him it’s important to your being able to function in all the ways he enjoys.

If you are not eating and you are crying you are in a situation that needs to be addressed because you are falling into a depression that can permanently hurt you. Self preservation is a very strong instinct and you are entitled to it provided you have expored all the possibilities.

Years ago, we had family doctors and ministers that could pitch in a level head to balance out these issues. Your husband just doesn’t understand (most men can’t understand our affinity and need for a horse). I’m not sure I understand it and how it keeps us in balance with our world.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! We had a long talk last night…with some crying on my part…I am very emotional!! He actually thought about going to his class…I put my foot down and told him we needed to talk…but he totally agreed and it was great!! Of course this morning I went to wash a few dishes, broke a glass and now I have a huge cut on my foot…since I basically dropped it on my foot…a few stitches later, I am ok!!! When will this end??? LOL And that was AFTER driving him to the train station at 4 am!!!

Barb

“Zimt, what are the hours of your counseling center? Great advice and list!”

heh, well you know I thought I’d share the fruits of my many painful hours at marriage counselling with all of you wonderful people so you don’t have to undergo it

Hey, I figure if you spend that much $$ for good information it’s your to give to others, right?

Good luck chicks - as my mother used to say: “Not to worry: It will all come out in the wash.”

Life’s too short to be sad.

<<hugs>>

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Being newly married IS a real adjustment.

I think I remember that you DO work and so my feeling would be that you are (more than) entitled to spend $50 bucks on yourself once a week. As others have pointed out, it is cheaper than therapy.

If you guys have not already done so, sit down when all is calm and work out a budget which allows each of you some discretionary spending money - which you do not need to account for or justify. (This goes both ways - if he wants to spend his on classes or out with the guys or whatever!)

I have to say that it sounds to me like you two have somewhat different expectations of married life - which is quite common. We all grow up with a concept of what married life is (or should be) like and often it is not even conscious. However, when we ourselves get married, suddenly life can look a lot different that what we imagined! And that causes stress.

I would seriously encourage you both to go to counseling. It is not a last ditch effort but a reasonable way to keep your current problems from escalating into something more serious. If you are truly fighting constantly, it will be a big help to you to get things straight with each other before you start harboring grudges, hurts and resentments.

I know I have said this before, but a vacation or time away is not going to fix things. Going home to CT is going to make things worse, not better. (Guess how I learned about that )

What WILL make things better is for you two - maybe with the help of someone who handles this kind of stuff professionally every day - to figure out how to work together to overcome all the cr@p that life can dish out. When you are in fighting mode, as you’ve noticed, it doesn’t take much to set you off, and there is no point in fighting over stuff like a car breaking down.

Sometimes all it takes is a slightly different perspective or a simple exercise that a good counselor comes up with, and the difference can be dramatic. If money is an issue, most religious organizations offer low or no cost counseling, and many counseling centers offer fees on a sliding scale.


To appreciate heaven well
'Tis good for a man to have some fifteen minutes of hell.
Will Carleton (1845-1912)

[This message was edited by Lucassb on Oct. 22, 2001 at 03:50 PM.]

Hi Gwennie! Told ya we’d be here for you! Well now that you’re limping around on top of everything else I would personally like to award you the “FIRST ANNUAL COTH MURPHY’S LAW AWARD!” I’m telling you that only you Gwen deserve this auspicious award. This wonderful recognition is not given lightly Gwen. You have worked long and hard to acheive the greatest acclaim that this award conontates!!

Now that the award has been presented Gwen you may now start living a normal life again. No more stolen cars, no fighting with the big guy and definately no more stitches and wormy kats!

And well honey, if that just don’t work, I have a guest room and a hot tub! We love ya Gwennie! You’re a doll!

Unfortunately the award does not include a large check, you know the kind, enough for an imported horse and a porsche! Sorry maybe next year we can raise the funds! Considering your track record you may just be a shoe in for 2002!

Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!!

i feel so bad for you. you and your husband are both strung out by the strain of coping with the past events - his long hours have gotten him exhausted, you probably feel neglected and isolated, and you probably don’t feel there is much relief in sight.
don’t give up your riding lessons. the money is worth your mental health, and it provides a healthy, fun outlet for you and maybe even a bit of a social life outside your work and marriage, which everyone needs. maybe there are some other cop’s wives that you can socialize with? surely your husband has some buddies from his job - maybe you can invite a few couples over for dinner, or a movie…some kind of informal social get together. you may find a few gals that have a some things in common with you, and you may even be surprised to find that perhaps some of them are bickering too from the severe stress that they are feeling.
i have to agree with snowbird, that the responsibility for making everything work in marriage mainly falls on the woman. it’s not fair, of course, to hold a job, run a home and be expected to put your needs on hold…and i hope you don’t fall into that trap. if the riding lessons make you happy, it’s a legitimate expense.
good luck.

<BLOCKQUOTE class=“ip-ubbcode-quote”><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
KAM wrote:

I struggle with high stress and anxiety, and I am afraid it is leading to depression.

But, I am having a hard time just getting out of bed in the mornings, its hard to face each day and stay positive sometimes. Its just hard to keep acting like everything is okay when its not. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

Kam, please get thee to your doctor. There are many medications to help with anxiety, stress, and depression. Why spend your life unhappy, anxious, and depressed? These conditions are often physical and not something you can control on your own.