Don't want to ride, don't want to quit

[DarkHorse1]

I have spent my life loving horses, but I’m so tired of it all. The never-ending problems, the astronomical expense, the bottomless time suck, the devastating losses…I’m just tired of it. There are other things I want to do with my life (including retire one day).

The problem is that I love and care about my horse. A lot. He’s young and relatively green, so offsite leasing him isn’t a good idea. There’s nobody suitable in the barn right now, either. I can’t afford to just pay the trainer to keep him going full time.

He’s very sellable in that he’s safe, sweet, sound (knock wood), pretty, well-bred, young, and good enough to pin in decent company. AND he wouldn’t be outrageously priced. But that’s just it…if I change my mind, I’ll have a heck of a time finding a horse like him again. Plus, well, he’s my friend and the idea of selling him makes me sad.

Ugh, what to do?

[Larksmom]

This may not be helpful because things are so different now but here goes. When I rode, (40 years ago,) I was showing so it didn’t matter if I had a buddy to ride with, Best bud worked nights so we rarely rode together. When I stopped showing, I couldn’t see any point in trotting around trying to get on the bit and hopping over little poles so I stopped riding. I put my niece on her and they did well for the limited saddle time she had. that worked for 2 years till she discovered boys and that was that. I kept Dr. Pepper for 29 years because I could. It was tough sometimes but I couldn’t bear to sell her. Probably 20 of those years she was sort of sort of retired.
With hay becoming so expensive and barns closing down, I don’t know if that will soon be an option. Because once you sell the horse it will be gone. I wish you the best. I kept hoping the desire would come back. It never did.

[HeyJealousy]

I feel for you, OP. My desire to ride has been waning back and forth for the last 5 years since I had to retire my guy. I can’t tell you what to do, and I wish it were an easy decision! Hopefully someone else will have some helpful thoughts. Just know I commiserate!

[NaturallyHappy]

I’d hang in there…

[OnDeck]

Why do you need someone to lease him or keep him in work?

Assuming you live in an area where this is feasible, I would find him a nice “retirement” situation where he can spend plenty of time in turn out and be a horse. He doesn’t need to be ridden. In six months or a year or 5 years you can decide to ride again.

[DarkHorse1]

I’ve considered it for sure. He’s 6 years old and, like I said, still sort of green (and frankly immature for his age). Do you think he’ll turn into a feral creature if I turn him out now?

[OnDeck]

If he’s good natured now then he will be good natured a year from now as well. When you start back you may want to start with lunging or pro rides just in case he’s a bit fresh. But it really shouldn’t be more than a ride or two until he’s back to himself mentally.

[ThreeWishes]

Been there done that. Can you speak to
What specifically is harshing your mellow. Killing your riding joy? Do you think if you sought assistance with that you would regret moving the horse on in the interim? Is it finances ? Anxiety ? Depression ? My general point is that if what’s feeling overwhelming right now can be addressed and has more to with your well being then perhaps fixing that if it’s possible for 6 months makes more sense than potentially losing a really nice horse?

[DarkHorse1]

Fair questions. I guess I just lost the passion years ago. Year after year, I keep forcing myself to trudge on. I bought a young horse, thinking a project would make it fun again. When I’m at the barn I have an okay time, but I never really get excited to go.

I think one problem is the culture of my barn. It’s mostly teens and kids. Even the trainer is in her early 20’s. Nobody “hangs out” and has fun. They just show up, ride, and leave. Nobody even wants to go on a trail ride. Lots of showing, which I’m not into. Unfortunately I’m not super comfortable with the care , distance, or training of the alternative barns. I feel stuck.

[Texarkana]

Been there!

Do you think you can find a relatively affordable (ha) boarding situation where he can just hang out and be a horse, even if it’s far away and you visit him less frequently?

There is no rule we need to ride our horses. It might buy you some time to consider your feelings. Even though he’s green, I promise you he won’t go totally feral. If you decide you want to get back into riding, he won’t forget everything.

[ThreeWishes]

Thank you for your candor! I am mid 50’s. Been riding since childhood. Could noT afford the nice horse lease or afterwards the nice horse purchase until nearly my 5th decade of life. Was very successful in my 40’s. Turned 50. Hit menopause and my body and my emotions just don’t always synch anymore. I ride. 5-6 days a week. Lesson. But very often the thrill is GONE. I am prepping for an upcoming show in a few months. And initially I was so pumped. As I progress towards that I find myself opening up the back gate and riding into the lovely rolling groves to canter. And I think. What the hell. Just trail ride. Practice your stuff in the ring and then go swim your horse in the lake. And gallop up the hills. Sigh. I hear you sister. Loud and clear. That pressure of having a really nice horse that you’re wasting it’s “potential” looms large. But I’m pretty sure my unicorn doesn’t give 3 F’s about the A circuit and loves his trail rides, eating oranges off the trees, swimming in the lake ….

[AllTheCarrots]

For the past year, I have had the joy of leasing a horse whose owner is in a similar position — schedule/life pressures have made it difficult for her to ride, but she is not interested in selling.

Since I have no business buying anything right now, this is working out well for everyone involved. The owner retains final authority on all aspects of the goober’s care. I get to build a relationship with one particular horse. And the goober in question is no longer the fat, feral, flighty pasture ornament he once was. Granted, he may not appreciate being asked to back up hills in the moment, but he is stronger, more supple, more balanced and more engaged than he was — which protects his long-term physical and mental health, and thus his value and future prospects if his owner ever decides to sell him on.

Which is all to say, there are lots of people out there like me: responsible folks looking to ride but not buy, who would be delighted to work out an arrangement that prioritizes the interests of you and your horse. Maybe look into a carefully arranged lease to give your horse a job and you some room to breathe and re-assess?

[lenapesadie]

I’ve chucked many a horse “out to pasture”. None worse for it so far. I only take sweet, friendly horses though so maybe a different type would respond differently.

I’d strongly consider a barn change before selling a horse I was really attached too.

[modifiedequitation]

I know you said offsite leasing is a no-no, but you may want to consider it again. With rising horse prices these days, I’m sure there’s many a young amateur that would like to challenge themselves on a green horse, especially if he’s well-tempered.

[RhythmNCruise]

I didn’t ride my gelding for YEARS (about 3 or so) before selling my farm and moving to a boarding barn. He was 11 then, and honestly hadn’t been ridden consistently for probably another year or two before that. I raised him, broke him, trained him, showed him, and got bored. I’d been showing horses for 23 years when I got him to the show ring. He wasn’t a big fan of showing (though he did pretty well in the few shows I took him to), and I’m not a big fan of making a horse do something it doesn’t enjoy.

I had my own place so it was easy to just let him live with my two older retirees and enjoy life as pasture ornaments. But when the oldies passed away, I sold the farm and had to find a place for him. I contemplated selling him for about ten minutes and realized there was no way. He’s family. I love him to pieces.

He’s been ridden more over the past three years (since I started boarding) than he has in his entire life. I’ve shown at two schooling dressage shows held at the farm, and even that was more than I wanted to do. He has a few physical limitations, and honestly just doesn’t enjoy trotting 20 meter circles in the sandbox very much. He likes hacking around the fields and bridle paths on the farm. So, that’s what we do. And we only do it when the weather is cool enough (because he has respiratory issues and anhidrosis). So that means I haven’t ridden him at all over the past two months because it has been horrendously hot and humid. Fingers crossed that I get to ride this coming weekend when we’re supposed to have a cool down.

I can’t sell Milton. He’s my buddy. And he’s got enough issues that require special attention that I would fear for what might happen to him. But I have him at a nice, quiet little private barn. I usually have the place to myself when I’m out there, which I don’t mind. I’m out there to hang with him and enjoy him.

If you could find a low key place where your guy could just hang out being a horse, he’d probably love it. Ride when you want to ride. Don’t ride if you don’t want to ride. I find that the longer I go without showing, the more fulfilling and RELAXING I find my horse time. I still groom him and bathe him and get him all spiffy and shiny. He gets doted on and cared for as much as any show horse. But there is no pressure on either of us to “do” something. He likes being ridden, so it’s always a pleasant time when the weather cooperates and I decide to take him out for a hack. But he’s perfectly happy just grazing in the pasture or getting a good currying or just getting some treats and a pat on the head.

If you love your horse and want to keep him, do it. You don’t have to ride him at all if you don’t want.

[Turntable]

I completely stopped competing for years when I was younger to focus on my career. I trail and pleasure rode only for the most part. It was nice. I met a lot of adults like me and we formed nice friendships. Over the years we did backcountry horsemen rides, went horse camping, did mounted archery, did beach rides, went to competitions or inspections to spectate, some went on horseback safaris, some took up polocrosse, went team penning, some started competing on their kids outgrown horses. I like to bring horses along so I still did basic dressage training on some green horses for free and coached beginner Pony Club, which was fun too.

Showing is in many ways the least fun and most expensive thing to do on horseback. There are a million other ways to enjoy horses and riding.

[Bebe_Falcon1]

Could you consider learning a new discipline?

FWIW, I nearly sold my mare two years ago during the pandemic. The barn we were at felt cliquey, and I didn’t really know what to do with her there anymore. That barn closed, and I moved somewhere much more laidback (which helped). We dove into the world of carriage driving - even shipping out for lessons and attending shows - and I feel like I have a purpose again at the barn.

I think if you’re going to keep him, you’re going to need to change something up

[DarkHorse1]

Can I ask you a question? In the decades I’ve been riding, I’ve never just turned a horse out to pasture. I’ve kept them in work – either with myself or a trainer. I have this unfounded fear that he’ll be an unrideable nut job if he gets extended time off. Am I being ridiculous? Sounds like you stopped really riding your horse at around my horse’s age. How did he take the transition?

[lenapesadie]

I turned 4 yr old track broke mare out for a year plus for breeding / foaling. After weaning her foal, I worked with her in a round pen for a week and then started hacking her around the farm. She never put a hoof wrong. She was showing within 3 months. Another track broke only mare, was turned out for 9 years no riding, broodmare duties only. I took a little more time reintroducing work to her, but again she was a complete doll to ride. She’d sneak into the barnyard and stand herself into an open cross tie when we were getting other horses ready to ride. My current riding horse (son of mare with the 9 yr break from riding) has had long breaks in his training. He’s fine, if anything he gets too excited after a break like oh yay mom has tack out we’re doing stuff, I’m gonna be the best boi ever! Lol. I have an older horse too currently and he was pulled out of a three year retirement, tacked up and hacked around by a kid no problem.

[NaturallyHappy]

Yes, I’m fairly certain they don’t stay up nights wishing they could be waiting at the in gate in the hot sun instead of cantering on lovely footing eating oranges😃.