Eating disorders seem prevalent in so many parts of our lives…social circles, high school, college, sports, etc. Its really hard to decipher healthy versus unhealthy when you’re surrounded by it. Especially, when its a part of your family life…
My mom is 5’3" and weighs around 90lbs at all times. She and my grandmother both promoted the importance of maintaining your figure, being attractive, etc. for your husband. So, the pressure for me started at a very young age. I was weighed daily, fed half of a grapefruit every night before bed, and given a concoction of vitamins. Plastic surgery was always an option in my family–my grandmother and mother both were a few of the first people in Texas to have breast implants. Face work started around 35 because no one “expected it.”
I am half Spanish and half Swedish. But, at 5’5" and a very hourglass type frame I resemble the Spanish side. I am very dense despite being relatively petite. That didn’t matter to them…a small waist can be smaller…your hips are too big, etc. I have never been bigger than a 6 (during pregnancy) but suffered immensely before working through the pressures I faced.
In high school, I was riding 4-6 horses per day, playing tennis, preparing for college, etc. Since we had an indoor I would often ride way past dark…there were times that I would pass out on my horse because I literally had zero energy. I would wake up sometime later with my poor horse covered in vomit. At this point, I was down to 100lbs and a size 0. But, to my family I could always be thinner and smaller. It just wasn’t good enough.
My mother traveled the world buying horses for her breeding program, was a socialite, philanthropist, and absolute perfectionist. She learned everything from her mother. But, the buck stops with me because I saw how their behaviors robbed them of joy and ultimately destroyed their lives.
That was my breaking point. I decided to study nutrition and throw myself into fitness. I pursued a certification in pilates for strength training and have since transformed my body. My instructors have always commented that I have the body of Marilyn Monroe and there is no fighting it. I will NEVER been long and lean. I’m okay with that now that I’m no longer bet over the head about it.
I love food. I have a passion for cooking thanks to my Spanish heritage and make all of our meals from scratch, bake bread daily, ferment, prepare preserves, garden, etc. But, the pressure to be thin, beautiful, and perfect still linger.