Encouraging kids to ride - a how to request

[OverandOnward]

@red_mares

The problem he has with most kids riding is that the expectations of them are so low that they are shocked they have to do anything to make a horse go.

The expectation by children that things will happen for them with minimal or no effort on their part is shocking to some of us with more years. But it is very widespread. Most come like that.

If they become frustrated, or tired, or worse scared – they quit doing anything. They go passive and stop giving any aids or signals to the horse. They seem to think that an adult will come and fix it for them. It honestly takes quite a bit of time before they realize that if things aren’t going well with the horse they are sitting on, they as the rider must follow the instructions, and with an effort. To be safe.

Several instructors have remarked on this with one class of kids after the other.

[poltroon]

What is most important for success is that your daughter feel safe. If she is frightened by the horse or the instructor she will probably not want to continue.

(This is both about an instructor who is thoughtful about their teaching and about their access to multiple solid school horses, each of which has a different lesson to teach.)

The second most important thing is peers - having at least one other kid that she enjoys to be part of the experience. That friendship helps make them brave and it makes a lot of things way more fun.

[red_mares]

If they don’t quit, they cry.

Then Mommy comes running to make it better…even if the kid is on a horse.

My suggestion for the OP, who’s daughter is 9, would be to drop the kid off at the lesson and leave. At 9 the daughter should be capable of living without Mom for an hour, and not having her there will remove a crutch. It also removes a distraction for the kid.

[Pehsness]

Haha, I’ve quit reading. The replies have sure gone down the mommy dearest path. Thanks for the valid replies - truly appreciated.

[Pehsness]

I do need to clarify I’ve never criticized. I would never do that. I’m just trying to find a good fit. She has some issues that mean she needs a tiny bit more hand holding in some environments until her confidence grows.

[Pehsness]

See, this is where nuance and having a strong relationship with your children is important.

The fastest death knell to participation in any activity for this daughter is dropping her off and leaving. She is unable (yet) to advocate for herself or even ask questions if she is in an uncomfortable environment. But I also know that just because the environment is uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it isn’t the right place for her.

She wants to ride, talks about wanting to be able to ride bareback etc, but the fear of the unknown holds her back. She will forego an activity she wants to do out of fear, rather than face the fear.

The last lesson place expects the kids to saddle on their own, 100%. Help is available if asked for, but my daughter wasn’t able to ask. So before she even got on the horse she was feeling shame and embarrassment.

So when I say she needs kid gloves, that’s what I mean. Swimming lessons were the same. I hunted until I found privates and she now loves swimming.

And I know all of this to be true because I was that kid. My passion to be in a barn kept me there, but hoo boy I had some miserable years until I built confidence. And I didn’t have a parent advocating for me. I quit 4H because I was too scared to tell the leader I didn’t have a horse of my own to practice brushing with. My daughter would 100% do the same.

So I’m not saying riding is going to be her thing, or that I personally need or even want it to be (truth be told life would be easier if it wasn’t, even though I do think it would be fun to do together). But she has natural balance, soft hands, and a love of animals, so it COULD be her thing, and I want to help her find out, one way or the other.

[chai]

I am a PATH Intl. therapeutic riding instructor in a state where we must also obtain a license to teach. My advice to you would be to find a PATH Intl. program that offers lessons to recreational riders as well as riders with special needs. PATH Intl. centers focus on horses that are chosen carefully for disposition and safety. One of my favorite parts of my job as an instructor is introducing children to horses, teaching them the fundamentals, instilling confidence in them and conquering fear with joy and fun on safe horses. My goal is to give recreational riders, whether they are children starting out, women fulfilling a lifelong goal as an adult, or a re-rider back in the saddle after a tough experience, the opportunity to find the joy and have a good, safe start so they can then move on to programs that are geared more toward advancing their skills and goals. I wish you all the best with your child, but I can’t emphasize enough the importance of finding a program with safe, appropriate mounts and instructors who can relate to and enjoy working with kids.

[Pehsness]

Thank you! You definitely get it
I’m in Ontario, Canada but there is a local therapeutic riding place. It never occurred to me they might take on able bodied kids - worth checking out.

[Railbird]

I would ask in your local mom groups. I see it too that most trainers who are masters of the sport and train because that was their career progression take no joy in teaching children. The backyardigan/bobo/rubber boot type programs more frequently have trainers who like teaching children. I think it’s easier to fix position or fill in husbandry knowledge gaps to your standard than to make them enjoy it again after the whole concept got ruined by too much pressure. People have a much easier time giving grace to baby horses who are scared or confused than baby humans, but much like baby horses, frequently those specialist trainers don’t show much.

[poltroon]

@Pehsness

The last lesson place expects the kids to saddle on their own, 100%. Help is available if asked for, but my daughter wasn’t able to ask. So before she even got on the horse she was feeling shame and embarrassment.

She shouldn’t have had to ask - the people supervising should have been able to see she was having trouble and supported her. Especially a child that they don’t know for sure can tack up her own horse. A good program wouldn’t leave her twisting in the wind.

[trubandloki]

If you trust your trainer, and the problem is that your trainer is not a good fit for your daughter, why not ask your trainer who they would recommend for a child that needs a different type of trainer?

[Pehsness]

Yes, I agree. It’s just not how it was run.

[ThreeWishes]

I would second or third or fourth ? The idea to pursue summer pony camp. Children love being around liked minded peers. Bonus points because they do other fun stuff That’s not solely focused on just performance in the ring. And there is so much to be learned, painting a pony or making things or playing around the world in a saddle etc etc. once a child feels a good foundation where they feel confident and feel like they have a voice and agency then they can perhaps choose that to be their hobby where they really want to excel or just enjoy it. But it’s kind of important to establish that comfortable feeling otherwise it’s just a chore.

[Pehsness]

I wish I could do the camp thing for her, but she would be miserable. Camp is not her thing at all (again… not for lack of trying!)

[endlessclimb]

Please do not take offense here…

At age 9 and this antisocial (per your descriptions), I do have to wonder how much of this is being exacerbated by coddling. She will never get better at the things she struggles with if she’s never put in the position to do them. Is she home schooled?

I think a summer camp where she comes home every night sounds like a lovely way to expose her to other enthusiastic children, while not making it a shell-shocker like one where she stays there full time. They do all sorts of fun stuff all week long, at least the three in my area do. They sell out within days of the dates being posted.

[FjordBCRF]

@chai

I am a PATH Intl. therapeutic riding instructor in a state where we must also obtain a license to teach. My advice to you would be to find a PATH Intl. program that offers lessons to recreational riders as well as riders with special needs. PATH Intl. centers focus on horses that are chosen carefully for disposition and safety.

Ill second this suggestion. I volunteer at a therapy barn, and at least how their program is run, sounds like a perfect fit for your daughter.

I started riding around 7, and I was undiagnosed, but on the autism spectrum. I also struggled with speaking out and asking for help, and hated making mistakes even when it was expected. Turns out horses is my autistic “special interest”, so I could deal with things fairly well, but EVERY other lesson or program my mom put me in I was just so uncomfortable and I basically hated it. Especially anything that was like a camp and triple down if it was an overnight camp. I came home from one of those once.

[Pehsness]

No offense taken, but she is not, in any way, coddled. 1000% the opposite.

Different kids have different needs and different timelines.

While she isn’t diagnosed and I strongly dislike labeling kids anything unless they are diagnosed, autism is prevalent in her family on my husband’s side. From mild to debilitating. So it’s always on my radar.

[Pehsness]

Oh, i was typing before I read this. You don’t have to answer but did you get a diagnosis as an adult?

[OverandOnward]

Quote of first post … just for reference because much additional detail is being added by OP that can reframe her question …

@Pehsness

This might be long, so I apologize.

My daughter, 9, is an avid animal lover. She doesn’t participate in any organized sport (not for lack of trying). I’ve tried riding lessons for her twice. The first time she was too young, the second time she showed she has natural talent but it was my coach and it was not a good fit. My coach is a yeller with a short fuse. I really like her lessons, my daughter needs kid gloves.

She has expressed interest in riding again. She can just toddle around at home on my gelding for sure, but I don’t necessarily have the most patience either.

How does one go about finding a good kids lesson program? Do they exist? One where yes they teach basics but it’s also fun.

I don’t want to come off as desperate but I really hoped one of my kids would take an interest in the horses, lol. So I need to nurture this and see if it sticks.

Just a thought, OP. Your thread title is “Encouraging kids to ride – a how to request”.

But the thoughtful issues that you are now bringing up to consider with your own daughter are on a rather different track than your original question, which was framed far more generically.

As you are sharing more information, you are getting some different answers that may be more helpful to you.

I think earlier suggestions that may have worked for many children in the experience of those posting in this thread, you are now seeing as not fully workable for your own daughter.

So, I think that you are doing a good thing to better frame what your daughter faces and what she likely really needs in a program and a coach.

Re-thinking the question is likely a good thing, at this point.

[FjordBCRF]

Im not formally diagnosed…I had started down the road but currently don’t want that label with current administration. I have zero questions at this point that I hit on the AuDHD spectrum as well.

My mom was a registered nurse when I was born and she knew pretty early on…I had and still have sensory processing issues, I stimmed, late to speak…all that jazz. It was the early 80’s and as a girl…it would have been a crap show to get diagnosed. And at THAT time, my mom wanted to avoid preexisting conditions as much as she could. I was also the weird kid and gave zero craps about that throughout grade school.

Mine isn’t super severe or limiting, but its super helpful to know now to help me get unstuck when I do. The autism and ADHD are constantly fighting one another and sometimes its not so bad and other times its a real PITA.