Long story, please bear with me. I euthanized my retired 21 y/o OTTB a few weeks ago, after owning him for 14 years and caring for him almost every day. He was my best buddy, my heart and soul. I am now dealing with tremendous guilt that I may have given up too soon.
Going back a year ago, his behavior started to change. He became a lot more edgy, and no longer tolerated being stalled overnight for bad weather…he had to be aced, or he would work himself into a panic and be almost impossible to turn out. In fact, the barn owner refused to turn him out herself. I lived close by, so I would go and do it.
Fast forward to this past August, at a new barn (due to old barn being sold). All summer long, he struggled to keep weight on and lost a fair amount of topline. He started having episodes of stiffness/lameness where he didn’t want to walk from stall to paddock. Not every day, but some days. I had the vet out (new vet/new practice due to change in location). She assessed him at 3/5 lame that day, suspecting hock and hip arthritis. She prescribed Equioxx. I was concerned with giving a daily NSAID because he was very ulcer-prone, but she felt he would be fine.
He felt better right away…but then 3 weeks later, he colicked. He was so full of gas, I could hear his gut rumbling and churning. He responded to Banamine. Although the vet felt it was not the cause, I stopped the Equioxx.
Then, a few weeks later, he became stiff and painful again. I tried Equioxx at half the dose, to see if I could help his joints while saving his stomach. It wasn’t enough, so for 2 days, I bumped him back up to the full dose. He became very agitated, and wanted to bite me for brushing his shoulders/stomach.
At that point, I stopped the Equioxx and started agonizing over what to do. I called the vet as well. I could not afford any of the ulcer treatment/preventive regimes she suggested…(I have been out of work for almost a year with multiple autoimmune diseases)…and I knew it would only be a matter of time before his painful arthritis days returned. During the hot months, he was stalled during the day and turned out at night. He usually loosened up overnight, so our hope was that if we could hang on for cooler weather, and he could stay out, he might be more comfortable then.
I put him on low doses of Ulcergard for a week…starting with a full tube, then half, then a quarter, to see if it might help short-term. At first, it seemed to make a difference, then less so. I watched him closely. He seemed either edgy or tired. Then, one night I was brushing him, and he wanted to bite me again for getting near his shoulders & stomach. The gurgling, churning gut was back. A few days later, the barn owner texted me to say she’d brought him in as usual in the morning, but he spent 30 mins panicking and rearing in his stall for no reason she was aware of. Then, another day, he reared with me on the way to turnout. It was an unusual reaction.
Throughout all of this, he occasionally showed some odd neurological signs: When he would turn himself around, his hind legs would pivot until balance required him to lift and step. Sometimes, when walking, it seemed like his hind legs were a half-step behind, and he hiked them as high as he could. He had normal moments where he would roll, run, and look sound, but the odd moments left me scratching my head.
Faced with his deteriotating behavior, and the fact that I had two painful problems I couldn’t afford to solve (joints and ulcers), I made an appointment with the vets’ office. I tried to call her personally to discuss euthanasia, but she did not answer. It was a Friday. On Sunday, we were supposed to have a tropical storm come through. All I could envision was him being stalled for 2-3 days, stressing himself into the mother of all colics, and not being able to get a vet out in the bad weather.
So I called the emergency line on Sat morning. I got a different vet. I explained the situation, and he agreed to perform the euthanasia that day. The barn owner was in agreement, as was my horse’s farrier, who had known him for years.
At the time, I felt strongly that I was out of options, and that suffering was imminent if not already beginning to occur. Everything I did, and tried, made sense to me at the time. I always tried to do what was best for him, and to follow my gut and my heart. I knew he wasn’t right, and it was like an internal voice screaming at me that things were going very, very wrong.
But now, looking back, I wish I had done more. I wish, at the first sign of ulcers, that I had found some way to pay for a month of Ulcergard/Gastrogard. I wish I had tried a calming supplement in case he was magnesium deficient. I wish I had been able to afford diagnostics to find out what all was wrong, and try to fix it. I wish I had even given him a full week on full Gastrogard to see if it would help. I wish I’d been able to work with one vet throughout, who was committed to his case. I wish the vets had offered more guidance, although I understand it’s not their decision to make.
I just can’t shake the feeling that I let him go when there was more I could have or should have done. I loved him with every fiber of my being, and I cry for him most every day.
Has anybody else been through a situation where you felt you had to make a decision when things weren’t 100% clear-cut? If so, how did you cope?
Thank you in advance.
