Fatal attraction (sorry, long)

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible. I need advice.

About a year and a half ago, an acquaintance of mine from the local show circuit approached me about switching from her barn to my current barn. I passed along some info for her, she came for a tour and liked it and long story short, ended up at my barn.

ETA for clarity: When I reference “my barn”, I mean the place where I board (a large A circuit boarding facility), not my own personal facility.

She also began doing barnwork to work off some of her board, so she was there quite often and at first, I was the only person there that she knew, so she took to hanging around me quite often (eg. chatting with me when I came to ride, riding at the same time as me, whatever. All fine and good).

I also had her ride my horse for me on a few occasions, which she was very appreciative of and always was sure to give him a good hack, cleaned all my tack, etc. What’s not to like? Read on…

Things started getting a bit weird. I came out to ride one day and my horse was cleaned, bathed and clipped (not body, just whiskers, bridlepath, etc), my locker was re-organized and cleaned and my tack was all sparkling. I couldn’t figure out what happened, until my friend came along beaming that she had been bored and took it upon herself to give my horse and my stuff a makeover. Now, I’m a busy person and don’t always have the time to do more than just riding and basic grooming, so I was appreciative, but a little weirded out by the lengths she had gone to…I didn’t say anything but thank you, though.

More recently, I was at a horse show along with barnmate/friend and after coming back from walking my course one day, found my horse in the grooming stall being brushed and tacked up by friend, who had a full ring backpack ready to go. I asked her what she was doing (nicely) and she told me that she was going to be my groom. I told her that it wasn’t necessary and I was more than happy to just get myself to the ring, but she insisted. I tried to saddle my horse, and she got very pushy, telling me not to touch anything, to just get myself ready, and that SHE was taking care of the horse.

I got a bit annoyed at this point, as my guy is a bit sensitive in his back and I like to saddle him very specifically to ensure that the wrong pressure points aren’t being hit. I tried to explain this to her but got a bit short with her, as I was now feeling a bit rushed for my class. I felt bad and later apologized, as she feverishly polished my boots before I went in the ring (again, she insisted…).

Later on, a friend of mine from the show asked me if I’d like to go for lunch with her. I agreed, seeing as I only see said friend when we travel to shows in her area. After lunch, I returned to the show and got the extreme silent treatment from aforementioned barn acquaintance. She was furious that I had missed her class (again, I felt a bit bad seeing as she had been super-groom for my class, but I didn’t ask for that, didn’t want that, and wanted to see my old friend!).

By the next day, she was speaking to me again, but I began to notice that she would almost be spying on me if I was with other barnmates, other friends, talking to other people. She would make a point of keeping tabs on where I was at almost every moment of the day, who I was talking to, where I was eating dinner that night, etc. If we were watching a class, she would awkwardly squeeze in between myself and whoever I was sitting beside, even if it meant that the person had to physically get up and move. Other people from the barn started noticing the oddities and her “connection” to me, a few even expressing concern.

At a recent barn function (that we arrived at separately, I had brought along my SO) she continued the weird behavior. As I was being greeted by the hosts, she was yelling my name across the room and even when I gave her the “yeah, I hear you, I’ll be right there, please stop yelling at me” wave/look, she continued, and came up and grabbed me by the arm, letting me know that she saved a seat for me (just me). Poor SO trailed along, standing awkwardly beside her and I while I came up with an excuse to leave said seat. I eventually did and began talking with a group of girls from the barn, all of which know and like (as far as I know) the other friend/their fellow barnmate. She refused to get up and join the conversation and pouted for about two hours.

Finally, she came and found me later on at the party, nearly in tears. She began angrily telling me how she had waited around all night for me and the courteous thing for me to do would be to have told her that I didn’t need a ride home (what? We hadn’t even arrived together!) and that this was the worst party she had ever been to. Before I could even get a word in, she had stormed out the door.

As always, she acted like nothing was wrong the next day and when she discovered that I was tacking up my horse for a ride, she literally ran to change and tacked up in less than 3 minutes, I kid you not, so that she could be on to ride with me. This has been happening with more and more frequency. I’ve even been experimenting to see what she’ll do - I’ll ride for a bit outside and then switch to inside (even when it’s a nice day). She comes with me. I ride for an hour? She rides for an hour. I ride for 15 minutes? She rides for 15 minutes. I have a lesson? She hangs around the entire time. It’s not even like I can come at a different time of the day either - she works there during the day and then, I swear, waits for me to get there before riding/leaving, even if it’s 9 o clock at night. She always just magically seems to be in sync with my schedule.

I’m at my wit’s end with this girl. I’ve tried being a bit distant, I’ve gotten short with her, I’ve even been pretty rude to her, but I honestly feel like this is becoming like that movie, Fatal Attraction. I can’t even talk to another person while I’m riding without feeling like she’s staring into my soul. She was offended when I asked my SO to hold my horse for me the other day for a course walk. I got more silent treatment when I didn’t invite her on an impromptu trail ride.

I don’t know what to do, and I’m worried that if I have a completely frank discussion with her and basically say, “you’re freaking me out, man.” she’s going to take it out on my horse or something (she cares for my horse while at work). I’ve already had stuff mysteriously go missing from my trunk after doing something to set her off (trunk now is locked at all times). Please help.

P.S. For reference, this girl (and everyone else in the story, myself included) is an adult, not a child. Not sure if that makes it better or worse. Probably worse.

Okay, IF all this is true:

What a looney. I would bet that if you looked into her past she has a history of this manic-possessive behavior.

It is really not a good spot for you, and I would honestly be worried about retribution as well. These are the scariest types of people to me, and probably why they make such great villains in Lifetime movies.

But you need to take that step and tell her, F2F, that this needs to stop. She needs to stop touching your horse and stop modeling her riding time after you. Don’t interact with her except for polite hellos and goodbyes.

If she pouts or gives you the silent treatment, let her and ignore her. Lastly, RECORD and DOCUMENT when she does this weird behavior. God forbid something does happen, at least you’ll have specific instances/chain of events.

Um, yikes. I don’t know what to tell you, but that is super creepy. Can you talk to your trainer/BO about it? Surely if others have noticed this weirdness, the trainer or BO has too? May be time for her to stop working there…although I don’t see any way that this does not end awkwardly for you. :frowning: This is why I generally think it is such a bad idea to have boarders who are also employees.

I wish I was making it up. I promise, I’m a faithful COTHer - I’m not just trying to troll. I’ve been toying with the idea of posting about this for awhile and decided to today, as I’m beginning to feel like it’s getting out of hand.

Thank you for the advice. I really just want to keep my horse safe in this situation, as he’s my biggest worry when it comes to retribution.

[QUOTE=FineAlready;7165554]
Um, yikes. I don’t know what to tell you, but that is super creepy. Can you talk to your trainer/BO about it? Surely if others have noticed this weirdness, the trainer or BO has too? May be time for her to stop working there…although I don’t see any way that this does not end awkwardly for you. :frowning: This is why I generally think it is such a bad idea to have boarders who are also employees.[/QUOTE]

I have brought it up recently with BO/BM (same person). She basically said something along the lines of “yeah, she’s a bit odd, but she’s a good employee, pays her bills on time, and hasn’t really done anything to warrant me firing her/kicking her out”, which I guess is true. I can’t prove that she took my stuff (although I highly suspect that it was her) and she hasn’t yet done anything nasty to a horse/my horse. I just don’t want to have to wait for that to happen.

I also don’t want to have to leave this barn just because of her - I’ve been there for 15 years and love everything about it. There’s not many other options in my area that even compare.

[QUOTE=Alter me this;7165555]
I wish I was making it up. I promise, I’m a faithful COTHer - I’m not just trying to troll. I’ve been toying with the idea of posting about this for awhile and decided to today, as I’m beginning to feel like it’s getting out of hand.

Thank you for the advice. I really just want to keep my horse safe in this situation, as he’s my biggest worry when it comes to retribution.[/QUOTE]

I would definitely mention this piece of it to the trainer or BO. I would explain the WHOLE, sordid tale of how weird she is being, and I would say, flat out, that you are very worried that this individual is unstable enough to do something bad to your horse when you address her weird behavior. I would even ask that someone else be around when this girl is working to ensure that nothing happens to your horse (although if it is any consolation, I don’t think most horse people would hurt a horse, no matter how angry they are at the owner).

AND, if you have been there 15 years, I would think the BO would know that you are not just a weird drama queen.

Well till the impromptu super groom at the show bit, I thought she was just trying to be super helpful. But no, that is full on lunatic.

Confronting this may cause backlash, as you already noted with things missing from your trunk. Talking to barn management would probably also cause backlash. Can you pass her off on someone else? Is there someone at the barn who has attributes she’d probably look up to/want to mimic or obsess over or whatever? Maybe one day you can say, “LooneyTunes, have you hung out with my friend X here? She’s been doing great in the Whatever’sSuperInterestingToLooneyDivision this year.” I know that’s a horrible thing to do to someone else, but Idk how else you get yourself out of this without possible harm to your horse or possessions other than moving (but LT would probably follow).

[QUOTE=FineAlready;7165561]
I would definitely mention this piece of it to the trainer or BO. I would explain the WHOLE, sordid tale of how weird she is being, and I would say, flat out, that you are very worried that this individual is unstable enough to do something bad to your horse when you address her weird behavior. I would even ask that someone else be around when this girl is working to ensure that nothing happens to your horse (although if it is any consolation, I don’t think most horse people would hurt a horse, no matter how angry they are at the owner).[/QUOTE]

I hope you’re right. Would you guys schedule a meeting with this person outside of the barn to discuss her behavior to avoid awkward run-ins with other boarders in case things get ugly? Like a Starbucks or something?

[QUOTE=Alter me this;7165568]
I hope you’re right. Would you guys schedule a meeting with this person outside of the barn to discuss her behavior to avoid awkward run-ins with other boarders in case things get ugly? Like a Starbucks or something?[/QUOTE] where ever you decide, make sure you have witnesses…

[QUOTE=Timex;7165577]
where ever you decide, make sure you have witnesses…[/QUOTE]

Do you think I should bring SO, maybe? Or should someone from the barn who knows both parties be present? Ugh…I hate confrontation. I think that’s part of my problem and why some of these types tend to glom on to me. I am too nice to shake them off before they’re fully attached.

[QUOTE=Alter me this;7165568]
I hope you’re right. Would you guys schedule a meeting with this person outside of the barn to discuss her behavior to avoid awkward run-ins with other boarders in case things get ugly? Like a Starbucks or something?[/QUOTE]

Nope. I wouldn’t do ANYTHING with this person outside the barn. Besides, it might help if things get ugly in front of others. Then they will realize that you are being overly dramatic.

We’ve had a few loons at our barn is it wasn’t until they went ballistic on multiple people that the BO realized that something was indeed wrong and they needed to go. Until that time, we all looked like a bunch of mean-spirited clique-y women who didn’t like the odd man out.

[QUOTE=RugBug;7165580]
Nope. I wouldn’t do ANYTHING with this person outside the barn. Besides, it might help if things get ugly in front of others. Then they will realize that you are being overly dramatic.

We’ve had a few loons at our barn is it wasn’t until they went ballistic on multiple people that the BO realized that something was indeed wrong and they needed to go. Until that time, we all looked like a bunch of mean-spirited clique-y women who didn’t like the odd man out.[/QUOTE]

I think that’s a bit how it appears to the BO right now as well. Yeah, she sees that she’s a bit odd, but she’s valuable to the BO (board income, good, reliable, knowledgable help).

AND, the worst part is, I was the one who facilitated the relationship between LT and my new barn. I had called up the BO on her behalf in the beginning and said, “Hey, this girl that I know a little bit that currently rides with ____ is looking for a new facility. Is she nice? Oh yeah, seems like it. I think she’d be a great fit!” etc. and now I’m the one backtracking and saying, “Oh, just kidding, she’s a crazy. Whoops.”

This sounds awful! I had a similar expirience in high school and it was not fun at all. This sounds worse though :frowning:

If you don’t want to rock the boat too much, can you tell her you want to ride alone so you can concentrate? I never get much done if I am riding “with” someone. Maybe you can say that?

Also, maybe set up a hidden camera by your stuff and “bait” her by leaving something on your trunk? Wow, that sounds bad after I wrote it, but then you would have proof to show BO if things continue to escalate.

Curious what your SO has to say about this! I don’t think you said in your post if you were male or female, but I wonder if she hopes to woo you away from your SO or what? Either way, if you will be at the barn after hours, etc. bring someone with you! IDK, sorry this is happening to you!

[QUOTE=chillydc;7165590]
This sounds awful! I had a similar expirience in high school and it was not fun at all. This sounds worse though :frowning:

If you don’t want to rock the boat too much, can you tell her you want to ride alone so you can concentrate? I never get much done if I am riding “with” someone. Maybe you can say that?

Also, maybe set up a hidden camera by your stuff and “bait” her by leaving something on your trunk? Wow, that sounds bad after I wrote it, but then you would have proof to show BO if things continue to escalate.

Curious what your SO has to say about this! I don’t think you said in your post if you were male or female, but I wonder if she hopes to woo you away from your SO or what? Either way, if you will be at the barn after hours, etc. bring someone with you! IDK, sorry this is happening to you![/QUOTE]

I’m female, loony tunes is female, SO is male. SO thinks she’s a complete kook and doesn’t want to go to any social functions if he knows she’s going to be there. The last time they were at the same social gathering, she had cornered my SO and interrogated him about why he hadn’t added her back on Facebook.

My barn is pretty busy so I’m generally not too worried about being alone with her there or anything. So far, she hasn’t tried to pull the moves on me, but she’s VERY interested in every aspect of my life, including my relationship with SO.

I wouldn’t confront either…but I would stop trying to care how they feel and STOP being nice. Sometimes you have to be a bit blunt. She obviously isn’t good about reading subtle communications.

Such as at the party–I would have not so bluntly said. Hi “name of loony”–great to see you. I’m here tonight with my SO here and plan to sit and spend time with them. Same thing when I ride…I might say…hey “name of looney” I really want to ride alone, where do you prefer to ride (indoor or out) and I’ll go the other way. Or I will put on head phones when I rode…or something so it is clear I’m doing my on thing.

And grooming at the show…put a stop to that. I would have said I don’t like anyone else touching my stuff or horse. NOT be nice.

This is like Single White Female territory! Is there anyway to get in touch with people from her old barn to see if they had to deal with the same thing? And then how the dealt with it? Because I bet the people over there are thanking their lucky stars she moved.

Also, I can see this going south very quickly in a bad way. She obviously has no issue crossing the boundaries of handling your horse without permission, is there any chance she would hurt him if you did/were able to cut ties with her?

[QUOTE=Alter me this;7165602]
she’s VERY interested in every aspect of my life, including my relationship with SO.[/QUOTE]

To me this is VERY alarming given the entire picture. Maybe I’m just easily creeped out, but if it was me I would get BO, SO and EVERYONE-O involved (for your safety and protection) and try to end this quickly. Dragging it out seems like a terrible idea filled with anxiety for you, and trying to ease looney toons away “gently” just isn’t going to happen.

I am so sorry for your situation. I think you have been getting good advice thus far. Perhaps also posting this on the “Off Course” forum as well?

If she truly is a horse person I don’t think you should fear her harming your horse. Although I completely understand your fear of this. I barely want people I trust and like to handle my horse, let alone someone that I am questioning their sanity.

What I most questioned after reading your whole story is if she targeted you specifically before even coming to the barn. You may want to run a background check on her as another poster has suggested. You could very well have a legitimate stalker, and it could have started earlier then when you started noticing odd behavior.

While contacting previous barnmates could potentially provide useful information, I would avoid this. It gets on the verge of gossip to me and could possibly spread rumors you didn’t intent to spread. I WOULD contact her previous trainer/BO/BM. Contacting someone of authority would keep your investigation more legitimate. Do you know why she wanted to change barns in the first place?

It really alarms me that you phrased it as she was “staring into your soul”. It gives me the willies and really makes me feel this is a serious situation. I hope you solve it quickly!

If she is working off some board and such, I would talk to the BO/BM about what her responsibilities entail regarding your horse. While she sounds kooky to me, is it possible that she has been tasked with certain things (such as acting as groom at the show) by the trainer and taken it too far (my gut says no, but just want to be clear)?

I wouldn’t want her interacting with my horse or my stuff either, but I think on that point you need to be clear with the BO/BM about your wishes so they don’t give her tasks that require her to handle your horse and/or stuff.

And everything else…yeah I don’t see fatal attraction so much as single white female. Ick. Good luck!