No I was the chicken!
But since OP cannot tell what is going on in the woman’s mind, she needs to beware both for herself and for her horse. And she’ll probably have tack missing or damaged if she “rejects” this “friendship.”
I am fascinated by this thread because I actually knew someone like this! I think you need to revisit this issue with your trainer and/or the BO assuming they are different people. Say that the situation has escalated so much that you fear for your horse’s and your safety and you love/want to stay at the barn, but you are too uncomfortable and afraid and feel you are forced to leave if LT remains. Perhaps in light of this, they will take you more seriously or be willing to have an intervention as other posters have mentioned. I would not recommend being rude to LT, but I would answer her questions with responses as brief as possible and not engage her socially at all. I would tell your trainer and BO that you are planning to confront her about this. Then in a matter of fact way tell her “thank you for your help with Dobbin but I feel that I’d rather do things on my own from here on out. I’m asking that you not brush him, tack him up, groom for me at shows, etc. going forward.” Hope that she is sane enough to behave herself going forward and doesn’t hurt anyone or any horse. But everyone will be on the same page and will notice if she does. What a whack-a-doo!!
Someone like LT who has no sense of how her behavior comes off to other people might not be a good candidate for a chat with the BO present. The added embarrassment to her might send her over the edge.
Are you FB friends with her? I would unfriend her and tell her why. I second confirming with the former trainer that the girl had issues, and just tell the BO to set firm boundaries with her. If the BO has any sense, she will see the truth of what you allege, and cut her loose. Let the BO be the be the one. Honestly, she’s the only one with the power to help you if LT doesn’t leave on her own.
Has LT done anything TRO-worthy? No. So you might just have to be the one to leave.
Be careful she’s probably reading this… From the closet in your bedroom!
Wow.
So let me get this straight…this woman is “working” for this barn? If so, then as an “employee” of sorts, she is causing distress for a paying boarder. The Barn Manager should step in and remind this employee what her job description is. She should sign off on a printed job description, and if she violates it…buh bye.
Or is the problem that she is more of a fellow “boarder” and not so much an “employee”. In which case, the lines are more blurred. She obviously cannot straddle both roles well. She either retreats back to being a full-time boarder and stays in her boarder bubble or she leaves. Again, the Barn Manager needs to address this as she is overstepping her bounds by handling other boarder’s property without permission.
Quite simply, she is causing another paying, long-term boarder a LOT of stress and anxiety by her actions. The Barn Manager needs to address it and set clear guidelines. I don’t understand why the onus is on you to have to solve this problem.
If this were any other place of business…like a gym, health club, golf club…we’d ask the manager to handle our customer complaints.
Yikes! I would certainly not meet her alone. If you do confront her, do it at the barn, kindly but very firmly, and have your SO nearby to back you up. You need to present a united front to her.
It is creepy that she seems jealous of your SO and she needs to know that your relationship with him is #1 and that NEITHER of you will tolerate her weird behavior.
ETA; If she has any problem with your SO’s involvement just explain that you are very close, talk about EVERYTHING together and that he knows that the situation has been a problem for you.
[QUOTE=TalkIsCheap;7166199]
Wow.
So let me get this straight…this woman is “working” for this barn? If so, then as an “employee” of sorts, she is causing distress for a paying boarder. The Barn Manager should step in and remind this employee what her job description is. She should sign off on a printed job description, and if she violates it…buh bye.
Or is the problem that she is more of a fellow “boarder” and not so much an “employee”. In which case, the lines are more blurred. She obviously cannot straddle both roles well. She either retreats back to being a full-time boarder and stays in her boarder bubble or she leaves. Again, the Barn Manager needs to address this as she is overstepping her bounds by handling other boarder’s property without permission.
Quite simply, she is causing another paying, long-term boarder a LOT of stress and anxiety by her actions. The Barn Manager needs to address it and set clear guidelines. I don’t understand why the onus is on you to have to solve this problem.
If this were any other place of business…like a gym, health club, golf club…we’d ask the manager to handle our customer complaints.[/QUOTE]
YES!! This, exactly. Furthermore, what makes the OP think that if she leaves this barn, Icky-Sticky won’t follow her? Ewwwww . . .
I wouldn’t dream of confronting this person, with or without witnesses. Try the cool treatment, say hi, tell her you feel that you’re taking advantage of her with her ‘help’ with your horse, and say other riders are commenting on the ‘special’ treatment you get. Make it about other people, not about you or her.
If you unfriend her then she’ll know, but you can fix the setting where your posts don’t register with her FB. Stop posting so much on FB! Not only is LT reading where you go and what you do, but you don’t know who else is either. Reading that you’re going away for the weekend or going to an event with SO, means people know when they can drop by and rob the place. Have another talk with barn owner, with specific incidents, and a list of who witnesses what, and talk to someone at the previous barn. When you find out why she left, or was booted out, tell the BO so they are prepared about what will happen with LT eventually.
There is no point trying to avoid her at the barn, because she apparently is living in an empty stall so she can be there 24/7. If (or most likely when) she confronts you about you avoiding her, then deny and say you’re busy, and a bunch of other excuses. Become the world’s busiest person at the barn, and in real life. Don’t let her get away with any intrusion on your time, or your time at the barn. Best case scenario will be her getting mad, and leaving the barn, but I doubt that will happen until she gets the boot. Make a detailed list of all problems with her, date, time, and who witnessed it. If LT persists or gets more aggressive, then go to the barn owner, and take the list with you. Don’t wait until it gets much worse to try to stop this. You don’t have to do a major confrontation, you just have to block her.
Hey guys,
Just thought I’d post an update from tonight. Saw her at the barn, didn’t say hello, just looked busy until she came up to me and said hey. I said a quick “Oh, hi.” and was pretty deadpan.
I got on my horse. She got on her horse. I went and hacked out in the field. She came with me. I asked her what she was doing out in the field (as sharply as I could muster) and she said that the owner of the horse she was exercising had instructed her to take her out there.
I then told her that I wanted to work on some exercises, had hoped to be alone in the field, but if she was really supposed to be out there as horse owner had instructed (doubtful, will ask her tomorrow when I see her), I would like her to stay out of my way. She piddled around for about 5 minutes and then left. Success…ish…? I didn’t see her for the rest of my time at the barn.
Now, when I talk to other horse owner tomorrow about whether or not she had asked her to go out there (and she presumably says no and looks confused), would you bother confronting LooneyTunes about that and her (likely) dishonesty? The wimp in me would say just let it go, the newly-minted confrontational take-charge me says maybe I should, but am I going to just make things worse/stir up trouble by doing that? Is that a worthwhile battle, or an invitation for future problems?
I wouldn’t confront her if her story isn’t true. What you did worked. Just keep doing it!
Because she quickly got the message to leave I wouldn’t bother with confronting her on that particular issue. It seems this was a small victory and will hopefully lead to more.
If the next day you wish to ride alone and she appears to be following you once again (as in, you don’t go to a pretty common location such as the outdoor ring. I recommend going to the field again to test the waters.), I would simply tell her you enjoy your alone-time and space at the barn and that if you wish to have a social ride you will invite her, otherwise you want to focus on your riding. You can use the example of her following you to the field today (if she is, in fact, not telling the truth about the owner’s request) as supporting evidence if she tries to argue.
I don’t have any good advice here as I’m also the too friendly and inviting type that gets crazy glommers. And no matter how hard I try, I have a really tough time being blunt with people. I know I’m hurting their feelings and upsetting them. Rather than feeling empowered like a lot of people would, I just feel like a mean sh**ty person.
What I would do? I would stay home “sick” for a few days and have my tall and imposing, alpha male SO go to the barn to “check on Dobbin” while I was home “sick”. SO is very confident, smart, quick tongued if need be, and with the wit comes extreme tact when needed. He is wonderful with tricky people and tricky situations. I would have him deal with her for me! :lol:
I tend to think the way you’re dealing with her is probably the best. Be nice and reasonable when she’s being nice and reasonable. And very cold and distant when she’s being overly friendly and helpful. Decide on black/white boundaries ahead of time and adhere strictly to them.
So sorry your kindness has gotten you into this awful situation. Karma owes you right now. Good luck!!!
I don’t understand why you keep asking us what to do when the resounding answer through all of the pages I’ve read seems to be:
TALK TO THE BO/BM. Seriously. People can get CRAY and you don’t want that mixed in with your horse. Stop trying to wiggle out of a conversation that you need to have. It should fix things, or at least get the gears started, and you can start to worry less. Do not confront LT. You’re just asking for something you don’t want to get into.
This may be an unpopular response, but… OP, I somehow get the sense you’ve maybe been leading said person on, whether you realized it or not?
JUST DO NOT ENGAGE.
“Hi.”
“Bye.”
One word answers, if she asks you anything.
Don’t be nice. Don’t be mean. Because either one constitutes attention.
JUST BE TOTALLY INDIFFERENT.
She doesn’t sound “sneaky crazy.” From your description she sounds “openly crazy.” But yet, is employed at the barn, and no one else seems to be having any trouble with her. So she must not be “openly crazy”…? Someone that wears their crazy on their sleeve would be pissing off everyone else, too.
I think she is just the clingy friend type, maybe she has been mis-reading your cues, and legit thinks you guys are friends.
I dunno, the ones that are manipulative/sneaky/quietly crazy are more alarming to me.
Just ice her out, and if that doesn’t work (but I’m gonna bet it does) tell the BO she needs to do something about it. Sheesh if you have been there 15 years shouldn’t she want to keep your business?
I agree that what you did last night seems to be working. Continue being pleasant but distant and do not allow her to follow you around while you are riding. As woodhillsmanhattan advised above, “tell her you enjoy your alone-time and space at the barn and that if you wish to have a social ride you will invite her, otherwise you want to focus on your riding.”
This behavior may be enough to send the message, but I am not sure you are out of the woods. Her behavior at the barn function and around your SO was very disturbing. She is fixated on you and may not accept the rejection, so be vigilant. I still think getting the advice of a mental health professional is a good idea, especially if things escalate.
BO needs to take you a lot more seriously. Maybe she is complacent because you’ve been there so long, she is taking you for granted? An honest “I am going to look for a new place if this doesn’t stop NOW – I hate to do it but I can’t enjoy my horse like this” conversation might prod the BO to do something. Good customers are hard to find, especially ones who pay the bills regularly for 15 years which I assume you have done.
BO needs to reinforce your good work from last night and have your back. This behavior is not acceptable.
Unfriend her from FB or hide your posts from her.
Having been a boarder, a working student, and a BO with boarders at various barns, I’ve seen some crazies too,…
If your ‘icing her out’ helps and continues to work, great. Continue it and she’ll move on. Like so many have said, you need to cut all ties with her-including social media (ie: try using the ‘unfriend’ button instead of dancing around her afraid to step on her toes).
IF it doesn’t stop by the next time you’re out at the barn, you NEED to have a sit-down with BO, BM, and crazy girl. Explain the situation beforehand with BO and BM (if different people), and let them know that you expect them to handle this, as like someone else has stated, they are disrupting a paying boarder (you) and THEY need to handle it. Have some statements from friends who have noted the behaviour. If not, you, a paying boarder of 15 years, will move. If they don’t understand that or are willing to help, I think you will be faced with a deeper moral issue of how loyal your BO are to you…after 15 years!
In your meeting with all parties, explain what has happened, why you are uncomfortable, and what your expectations are in the future. BO should be on board with supporting you.
[QUOTE=horsegal301;7166453]
I don’t understand why you keep asking us what to do when the resounding answer through all of the pages I’ve read seems to be:
TALK TO THE BO/BM. Seriously. People can get CRAY and you don’t want that mixed in with your horse. Stop trying to wiggle out of a conversation that you need to have. It should fix things, or at least get the gears started, and you can start to worry less. Do not confront LT. You’re just asking for something you don’t want to get into.[/QUOTE]
Did you miss the post where the OP said she talked to the BO/BM? It is post #5 on the first page.
OP, if the great tactics you started last night do not continue to work why not ask the BO to read this thread?
Trub, she talked to the BO but the BO didn’t hear her. She needs to have another, more aggressive and plain-speaking conversation with the BO, complete with ultimatum (do something or I leave). The one she had was not effective but it need not be the final word.
Tell it to the BO plain, OP. Don’t try to be nice, don’t try to dance around it or be nice or tie it up in clean linen. This woman won’t leave you alone and you are scared for yourself and your horse. If BO doesn’t understand that and do something, you DO need to leave.
I don’t think you need to be part of the meeting with crazy woman at all. BO can have that conversation in private if s/he wants, as long as it works. The crazy lady is likely to feel ganged up on if confronted in a group.
While I do think you need to be careful…and this girl does seem to have issues. I wouldn’t go over the top yet. Keep being distant.
The reality is this is probably a very lonely person. You were open and nice…and helped her get to that barn. She has limited social skills and probably lacks self confidence. You are her safety net and make her feel welcomed. She stepped over the line (way over) but in her mind…you are a good friend.
Establish the boundries…and keep to it. By what you described last night, she likely isn’t THAT crazy. Just immature and lacking social skills. When you have set the boundries and it is clear you are not her bff…I bet she backs off. She really does probably need a friend or SO…but that doesn’t have to be you.
