Feeling down about my riding

[AlexxSays]

Sorry this is so long- I’m feeling extremely discouraged and questioning everything- if anyone has any advice!

I’ve been riding for a little less than two years as an adult beginner, a little less than a year ago I was able to purchase my best friend who is an absolute saint of a horse. He is dead broke on the flat but still learning how to jump- having origionally been trained as a Western horse (I know Green and Green not great but it works for us for the most part).

Recently, my trainer (one of two main trainers at our barn- the other is travelling showing this summer) has been nit picking and tearing every single ride I have absolutely apart. To the point where other riders have even commented that she seems to be unusually harsh on me. Even when taking a lesson with a different trainer at the barn, she still watched and tore everything that I did apart after- I had finished that lesson feeling like I accomplished something, and the other trainer was pleased with the progress I had made since last riding with him, but after my normal trainer’s feedback I just felt awful about it and my riding.

Today we were doing a gymnastics exercise and it was my horse’s AND my first time ever doing one. We added a stride during part of it and I could see my trainer getting frustrated, she started yelling and I got frazzled. She tells me that since I take so many lessons (“too many lessons”) that I should be a lot better rider by now and that I am not progressing as quickily as I should. She also has said repeatedly that I am incredibly frustrating to teach because I “just don’t get it.” And I “always make the same mistakes.” Which at this point last year I couldn’t even really canter, so the fact that I’m jumping at all blows my mind.

Then she had me go down a three stride line- which ended up being set a lot more forward than I realized and we ended up with an even four. She told me it was awful, told me I was done and ignored me the rest of the lesson. The other two riders in my lesson were extremely confused, and it took everything I had not to burst into tears.

I haven’t been riding for very long, my horse and I are both still learning, and I know I am making mistakes and am not perfect, but it feels like everything I’ve done the last few weeks has been awful and wrong. It’s taking all of the fun out of riding and I don’t know what to do. I love my horse more than anything and now I’m worried I’m not doing right by him and that he deserves someone who is more competent. I don’t need constant praise- but once in a while a positive comment would go a long way. I haven’t heard anything good about my riding from my trainer in weeks- and it just sets such a negative tone for all of my rides, and makes me feel so discouraged. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am in such a rut- how have other people gotten out of one?

[rockymouse]

If your best human friend told you this story, what would you say to her?

OP, you don’t gotta put up with this treatment. You deserve better. When does the other trainer return? Maybe you and your lovely horse could take the rest of the summer off from training with the current person. Could you mosey on some trails or in a pasture? Can you and your horse spend a few weeks just enjoying each other’s company? Are there other trainers who also come to that barn?

In short, drop this trainer. If she asks why, just tell her the truth - the relationship is frustrational from every angle and you need to go a different direction.

Don’t let this person get you down. There might be someone on earth who learns from being belittled, but it surely isn’t me and I bet it isn’t you either.

Best of luck!

[2DogsFarm]

A long time ago a trainer/friend told me something that still resonates with me today:
“You empower the trainer”

Why continue with a “trainer” who makes you feel bad?
She has given you a perfect Out in criticizing you & (in her eyes) your lack of progress.
Which - BTW - shows her lack of not only professionalism, but effectiveness as a trainer.

IIWM, I would tell her it is obvious her training style does not suit you.
Switch to the trainer who made you feel as if you had made progress.
And WHEN you do so, current trainer should keep her 2¢ to herself.
If she still critiques, feel free to ignore her.

[Bluey]

@AlexxSays

Sorry this is so long- I’m feeling extremely discouraged and questioning everything- if anyone has any advice!

I’ve been riding for a little less than two years as an adult beginner, a little less than a year ago I was able to purchase my best friend who is an absolute saint of a horse. He is dead broke on the flat but still learning how to jump- having origionally been trained as a Western horse (I know Green and Green not great but it works for us for the most part).

Recently, my trainer (one of two main trainers at our barn- the other is travelling showing this summer) has been nit picking and tearing every single ride I have absolutely apart. To the point where other riders have even commented that she seems to be unusually harsh on me. Even when taking a lesson with a different trainer at the barn, she still watched and tore everything that I did apart after- I had finished that lesson feeling like I accomplished something, and the other trainer was pleased with the progress I had made since last riding with him, but after my normal trainer’s feedback I just felt awful about it and my riding.

Today we were doing a gymnastics exercise and it was my horse’s AND my first time ever doing one. We added a stride during part of it and I could see my trainer getting frustrated, she started yelling and I got frazzled. She tells me that since I take so many lessons (“too many lessons”) that I should be a lot better rider by now and that I am not progressing as quickily as I should. She also has said repeatedly that I am incredibly frustrating to teach because I “just don’t get it.” And I “always make the same mistakes.” Which at this point last year I couldn’t even really canter, so the fact that I’m jumping at all blows my mind.

Then she had me go down a three stride line- which ended up being set a lot more forward than I realized and we ended up with an even four. She told me it was awful, told me I was done and ignored me the rest of the lesson. The other two riders in my lesson were extremely confused, and it took everything I had not to burst into tears.

I haven’t been riding for very long, my horse and I are both still learning, and I know I am making mistakes and am not perfect, but it feels like everything I’ve done the last few weeks has been awful and wrong. It’s taking all of the fun out of riding and I don’t know what to do. I love my horse more than anything and now I’m worried I’m not doing right by him and that he deserves someone who is more competent. I don’t need constant praise- but once in a while a positive comment would go a long way. I haven’t heard anything good about my riding from my trainer in weeks- and it just sets such a negative tone for all of my rides, and makes me feel so discouraged. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I am in such a rut- how have other people gotten out of one?

That trainer seems to be way out of line and a bad trainer after all for you and your horse.

Better tell her nicely you and your horse are doing other, no more lessons.
If trainer comes unglued or becomes even uglier, excuse yourself and leave.

Never let anyone put you down, much less in front of others, no matter what.
Also, don’t give up because of a toxic trainer with issues.
Quit offering as punching bag, life is too short for that.

A good trainer that felt you were not learning as you should would confer with you about your goals and what to try next.

Maybe wait now to see what the other trainer has to say, next time she gets back and make plans from that?

[Rosewatt]

Yup, drop those lessons with the trainer like a rotten apple. I agree with what was said about waiting for your old trainer or bringing in an instructor if you are allowed. There is no excuse for that trainer to be putting you down like that, so take your business elsewhere.

[4horses]

If it is just one lesson, I would probably keep going. I’ve had frustrating lessons myself where it seems like I can’t do things right. I’ve been at or near tears. If it happens once and is just because we are working through something that is okay. It is not okay if it is repeatedly occurring. It may be more of a personality disagreement then anything else.

Riding instructors do get burned out, over tired, or heat stressed. It’s a tough job and you really have to love what you are doing. But it is not okay to ignore one student in favor of someone else and it’s not okay to drive someone to tears or berate them.

[MsM]

I see two paths here: First is to simply drop this instructor. What is happening now is just not working for either of you. You may have made progress, but if you are losing your joy in riding, is it worth it? The second is to speak with the instructor. Tell her that what she is doing is not working for you and you are just losing confidence. She may respond that she is “pushing you because you have so much promise now!” or something similar. Be firm that belittling (give concrete example) isnt working for you. If she is not receptive and does not change, stop lessons with her.

What I wouldnt do is just continue on. From what you have written, this is not about one tough lesson, but a continuing pattern. We cant know if she was or intended to be as nasty as you perceive, but this is your horse, your time, and your money. You need to find what works for you.

[Foxglove]

I agree with all who posted above: your trainer is not a good match for you. I am in a similar situation --sort of. Although a rider for 50+ years, three years ago I had to stop riding my horse of forever and start with a new horse --a Western trained cutting/sorting horse, who, like yours is a well-trained saint–but no jumping in his background. In my arrogance I thought I could just add jumping to his list of accomplishments --not so fast. Even small fences seemed awkward, nonrhythmic, off. For two years I worked once a month will a talented trainer/instructor --we did not improve. I fell off --hadn’t fallen off a horse in 20 years --but fell off three times. I decided that jumping wasn’t going to happen for us.

The pandemic hit. I was home all day with my horse, a full set of jumps, a ring, and all the time in the world. I started watching You-Tube videos and stumbled across a series from a woman in NZ Kirstin Kelly. Lots of solid how-to over fence exercises. I tried a few with my horse --very, very low level, and we had some success. On a whim I emailed her to tell her how much her videos helped me. She was home too with the pandemic and couldn’t do lessons.

She now gives me lessons from NZ! I make a short video of what I’m working on, send it via www, and she comes back with a voice-over critique within 12-24 hours. In March, we were doing ground poles. Today we are jumping a 10 obstacle course --only 2’ but we are doing it!

Much of the problem was mine --balance, strength, two-point had all become less as I approached 70 --but never addressed by my former trainer/instructor --either he didn’t see it, or was too focused on what the horse was doing. NZ instructor suggested core exercises, balance exercises (I do the daily) . And, the NZ instructor recommended I pull up my stirrups 5 (FIVE!) holes --and asked that I had my saddle fit checked --both were aspects that led to a better seat and a happy horse --horse actually got a new saddle --he was wearing one I bought in 1976 that didn’t fit him well.

But the NZ instructor worked on helping the horse improve too —more forward gaits, like you, bounce fences --but NZ instructor had me move in my fences --my horse has a shorter stride than last trainer thought or saw --by a foot! So where he was doing poorly with a 9’ spread --he does just fine with a 8’ spread. She also has me talking to him --counting strides —never did that before.

But OP the main thing I wanted to say was every voice-over lesson she sends me, begins with her telling me what the horse and I have done well --how we have improved something --then goes to what we can improve next. For me, this is much better than any lessons I ever took before —no pressure, no yelling, and I can review what she’s said and see what she is seeing. Works for me.

I don’t know if my horse and I will ever sail over the hunt field in first flight as I did with my old fellow —but as I said, today I am jumping a course. I didn’t think that would ever happen again!

I suggest you change trainers --oh, cost of my lessons from NZ trainer? $15/month, unlimited videos. It is a lot easier than hauling to the training barn!

[Scribbler]

Even seemingly nice trainers can go sour fast if they have a head injury or chronic pain. I dropped lessons altogether for years with a junior coach that I stayed friends with, after she got unpredictable bursts of anger after a severe concussion.

However diagnosing the trainer’s issues is not your responsibility. She has made it clear she doesn’t want or value your business. Walk away. You are better off spending two months trotting on the trails (where you can practice two point and let your horse get more forward) and picking up lessons when the better trainer returns.
”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹
”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹
”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹

[Bluey]

@Foxglove

I agree with all who posted above: your trainer is not a good match for you. I am in a similar situation --sort of. Although a rider for 50+ years, three years ago I had to stop riding my horse of forever and start with a new horse --a Western trained cutting/sorting horse, who, like yours is a well-trained saint–but no jumping in his background. In my arrogance I thought I could just add jumping to his list of accomplishments --not so fast. Even small fences seemed awkward, nonrhythmic, off. For two years I worked once a month will a talented trainer/instructor --we did not improve. I fell off --hadn’t fallen off a horse in 20 years --but fell off three times. I decided that jumping wasn’t going to happen for us.

The pandemic hit. I was home all day with my horse, a full set of jumps, a ring, and all the time in the world. I started watching You-Tube videos and stumbled across a series from a woman in NZ Kirstin Kelly. Lots of solid how-to over fence exercises. I tried a few with my horse --very, very low level, and we had some success. On a whim I emailed her to tell her how much her videos helped me. She was home too with the pandemic and couldn’t do lessons.

She now gives me lessons from NZ! I make a short video of what I’m working on, send it via www, and she comes back with a voice-over critique within 12-24 hours. In March, we were doing ground poles. Today we are jumping a 10 obstacle course --only 2’ but we are doing it!

Much of the problem was mine --balance, strength, two-point had all become less as I approached 70 --but never addressed by my former trainer/instructor --either he didn’t see it, or was too focused on what the horse was doing. NZ instructor suggested core exercises, balance exercises (I do the daily) . And, the NZ instructor recommended I pull up my stirrups 5 (FIVE!) holes --and asked that I had my saddle fit checked --both were aspects that led to a better seat and a happy horse --horse actually got a new saddle --he was wearing one I bought in 1976 that didn’t fit him well.

But the NZ instructor worked on helping the horse improve too —more forward gaits, like you, bounce fences --but NZ instructor had me move in my fences --my horse has a shorter stride than last trainer thought or saw --by a foot! So where he was doing poorly with a 9’ spread --he does just fine with a 8’ spread. She also has me talking to him --counting strides —never did that before.

But OP the main thing I wanted to say was every voice-over lesson she sends me, begins with her telling me what the horse and I have done well --how we have improved something --then goes to what we can improve next. For me, this is much better than any lessons I ever took before —no pressure, no yelling, and I can review what she’s said and see what she is seeing. Works for me.

I don’t know if my horse and I will ever sail over the hunt field in first flight as I did with my old fellow —but as I said, today I am jumping a course. I didn’t think that would ever happen again!

I suggest you change trainers --oh, cost of my lessons from NZ trainer? $15/month, unlimited videos. It is a lot easier than hauling to the training barn!

That is such a wonderful post, teaches us all what can happen and how it was resolved so very nicely.

Glad that you and your horse are now doing so well!
Thanks for this, many will learn from it.

[outerbanks77]

@Foxglove

But OP the main thing I wanted to say was every voice-over lesson she sends me, begins with her telling me what the horse and I have done well --how we have improved something --then goes to what we can improve next. For me, this is much better than any lessons I ever took before —no pressure, no yelling, and I can review what she’s said and see what she is seeing. Works for me.

Yes for positivity. That doesn’t mean just giving unwarranted compliments, but I believe that most of us learn better when we know what is going well, that we can build on. I’ve been riding since I was a kid, so I’m fairly experienced and confident, but not an advanced dressage rider. I used to occasionally lesson with someone who would tell me to go ride a figure or something, then I would come back over and she would tell me everything that was wrong with it, and then have me go ride something else. That’s not how every lesson went, but many of them. Anyway, I found myself riding worse in lessons than I did when I was riding on my own, even though I didn’t necessarily feel anxious riding in front of her. And she was never as mean and unconstructive as your trainer.

I found a new instructor who gives me more moment-to-moment instruction, tells me what we’re shooting for, and ALWAYS gives instant feedback when we get things right, so I can lock that feeling away for the future. Now I ride better in lessons than I typically do on my own and have made a lot more progress.

This is your money, and your hobby that should be enjoyable. I’m sure you are doing just fine by your horse, and you deserve to enjoy the time you spend with him, even in lessons. Find a trainer who doesn’t belittle you; it’s not OK, and it won’t progress your riding, either.

[anon6003733]

del

[sing]

Your horse does deserve someone more competent, but that someone is the instructor.

A lot of times it is easier to step up for someone else than for yourself. If you think of it as a bad situation for your horse, would it
be easier to change things?

[Obsidian_Fire]

:eek: good golly. Hugs, OP. Find a new instructor. This one sounds awful.

[rockymouse]

I love the support and helpful, thoughtful narratives in this thread…

Go COTH!

[AlexxSays]

Thank you so much everyone for all of your nice words! Oh my gosh. After I posted I was so worried that I was being overly sensitive, and too emotional about everything. (I’m actually a little embaressed I let all of this get to me so much.)

Prior to the start of the summer (and the pandemic) I had wonderful lessons with my trainer, and she had also become a friend outside of riding. I think I’m going to take a break from lessoning for a bit and just enjoy my horse. I am also going to try and talk to her- I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I know the world is in a weird place right now. I don’t know what else might be going on in her life and while it’s upsetting to me that I’m the target for the negativity, and has really impacted my confidence, I am going to see if maybe she just doesn’t realize how harsh she’s being. Because it has only been the last few weeks that she has been overly hard on me. If nothing changes after that I am going to take the step back and sort out a new situation as you all have said.

Thank you so much again for everyones help and kind words! It really validated my feelings- I am very new to the horse world so for all I really knew this was normal!

[merrygoround]

A frazzled, frustrated, yelling trainer is a trainer lacking in training skills and particularly knowledge. That’s to put it kindly.

Short version; too stupid to be teaching.

A good instructor backs up, and helps you physically fill in the holes.

[cloudyandcallie]

Change instructors. She’s not training Olympians but she’s taking everything out on you. It’s not your fault.
you and your Horse should be having fun while learning.

[Arlomine]

I am an instructor… Get the hell out of there!

[Larksmom]

I am guessing that it is something else not even you related. If you believe her to be your friend you do need to confront her, gently if you can. But I would stop the lessons before more damage is done.