Feeling overwhelmed, not sure I want to do this anymore

[AlterOG]

Posting as an alter because I’m embarrassed by these feelings.

On and off for months now, I’ve been questioning whether I want to ride/keep horses anymore or whether I just do it out of inertia. The majority of the time lately, my feelings about the horses are negative and I just feel done. I still enjoy riding but I’m drowning in all the care and work that come with having a farm, especially in winter. I think if I could go back to boarding, I’d be happier.

The cold weather and short days don’t help. I also have a full-time “real” job and a family. It’s hard to keep up with everything and I’m just so tired. My horse-related stress bleeds over to work and family. I feel like horses have taken over my whole life, and not in a fun way. (At the same time, I feel like a wuss knowing how much harder other people like my trainer work without complaint.)

I’ve tried to come up with solutions/coping mechanisms but I’m not sure what my real options are or whether they would actually make me happier.

Hire out some chores? The costs add up quickly and the work is usually done poorly enough that I have to redo at least some of it. I don’t think that trading work for saddle time is worth the hassle and liability risk.

Cut down my herd size? I’d love to do this but the only one that is marketable is my only rideable horse, so I would go from lots of work and some reward (riding) to slightly less work and no reward.

Board some or all? After spending so much money building a farm from scratch, that’s not really feasible. Some might be okay at a retirement farm (still not cheap in my area) but one needs progressive rehab, which is pricey and hard to trust someone else with.

Quit horses altogether? Some days this is tempting. Reading the “WWYD if you didn’t ride” thread, I think I might not feel as strongly about horses/riding as other people. (FWIW, the people who know me best disagree, and think it’s obviously my passion, although they do see how it is wearing me out.) At the same time, I feel like I have invested so much in my riding over the years that quitting would be throwing it all away (yes, I know this is silly logic because if it’s not fun, what’s the point?). More importantly, quitting would mean euthanizing some of the horses that are too old or lame to responsibly rehome. That seems kind of extreme, especially since they are (hopefully) not all permanently lame.

Take a break and reassess? This is my top choice but I don’t know how to do it when the horses live at home and I have to take care of them every day. Any suggestions?

Try therapy? Maybe it’s not the horses, maybe it’s just me. Nothing else in my life is very stressful though. I have noticed that some days small horse care frustrations send me spiraling down and other days, the same things don’t. Does that mean it’s chemical vs. situational? I do have an appointment with a therapist for next week, though I don’t even know how I will explain all of this.

Wait and hope things get better? I’ve been waiting for 6+ months now and it’s not working.

More wine to go with my whine?

If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening. I’m open to any and all suggestions.

[red_mares]

I would shrink the size of your herd. What do your less saleable horses need to make them marketable?

Are they green/unbroke or physically broke? If they are green & sound, sell them as just that, with the price reflecting it.

Maybe you should consider euthing’ the geezers. If you don’t have the resources to keep them, euthing is a viable option. Resources doesn’t have to be limited to finances. It can be time or emotional as well.

I’d keep the one you’re riding and figure out how to offload some of the others from the payroll. If needed, I might give a couple away. Sometimes you’re better off taking a short term loss than waiting for a better scenario.

(At the same time, I feel like a wuss knowing how much harder other people like my trainer work without complaint.)

Does your trainer have a 40 hr a week job besides keep X many horses? Don’t judge what you do against what you think others are doing. You are beat, tired and had enough. What does it matter what someone else does or does not do? It also doesn’t matter that others think your end all be all passion is horses. If it isn’t anymore, why does their (incorrect) perception matter?

Stop beating yourself up for being human. Plan A is not working out. Figure out Plan B and move on.

[cutter99]

I think part of the issue is just plain old time of year. It is so hard with the cold and dark to feel at all productive.

I lived my first 47 years in the Northeast, where winter was my version of hell every year. There were times where just day to day survival seemed questionable. Overly dramatic? Yes, but judge me after you’ve taken care of 4 horses and about 75 pigs in temperatures that never break 20* for more than two weeks.

I had tried boarding one horse in the winter at a facility with an indoor, just so I could ride to let off some steam. The practical side of me had a hard time with it though.

We tried our best to make as many things on the farm as easy as possible- heated waters for the pigs, heated stock tank for the horses, tractor that was easily and readily available. Our last winter there was the worst. We had multiple weeks that with ridiculous temperatures with snow and ice, and when the temperatures rose, the ice and snow would melt and refreeze as ice. It made getting to the barns and trips in between treacherous. I wore out three pairs of Yak Tracks that winter just trying to stay upright. March came and I was still hesitant to go trail riding because there were huge, thick patches of ice in parking lots and trailheads, and we were still getting snow.

We were lucky enough to move South. Our winters down here are definitely much milder, but not without issues too. We are getting a slight break in temps today and tomorrow, but we are going back below freezing with the possibility of snow this weekend. And believe me, this not the norm here and most do not have the experience to deal with it.

My suggestion would be to do everything you can afford to do to make life as easy for yourself as you can. Heated water troughs/ tanks/ buckets. Keep your horses out as much as you safely can. Have the right kind of clothing/ boots/ outdoor wear to keep you as warm and safe as possible. Give yourself a break when you can. One of the things I enjoyed the most during winter in the North was a membership I had to a nearby resort that had a gym, as well as an indoor pool and hot tub. On a cold, snowy Sunday afternoon, I would soak and swim and then lounge in a chase by the pool, which was usually deserted at that time. That worked well to recharge my batteries and get me through another week.

Another thing to keep in mind is that the days are going to get longer and we really have only another six weeks of winter. See how you feel then. If you still feel the same, it might be time to make more wholesale changes, like decreasing your number of animals.

[Myout]

Unloading the horses that do not bring you joy would be, and has been, my choice. After my fibro diagnosis I went through the stage you are at, exhausted, no support from anyone, felt trapped by the lack of choices for my life to the point of anxiety and panic. I divorced my very nice but unsupportive husband. Euthanized the three elderly horses (late twenties), left all my clients/barn, and moved to small town far from Socal. Gave away my lovely tempered but unhappy dressage horse (he did not want to work) to a lady to trail ride and hang out in a small herd (he loves his new life). Bought a youngster that has become my joy every day. Took a regular job instead of instructing even though I love instructing, my area has not enough riders to support a trainer. My life is way more centered and happy and healthy. So don’t push away your feelings…sit with them until you find answers that work for you. hugs

[MCF1991]

First off. Winter sucks. I kind of end up feeling the same way right now and I only board one horse. I feel terrible if I don’t go out thereat least 4 or 5 times a week, but I too have a full time job and it’s always just plain old dark and miserable this time of year. I’m not sure what your chores entail, but could you do the bare minimum? Throw them all out if they have access to shelter and water? Throw some round bales out there so all you have to do is go check on them and throw them grain if need be? My mom has a few horses on her breeding farm and they are all cared for (blanketed, fed, watered) but they do live out on a giant pasture. Frankly, I think it’s the best life for them if they aren’t in work anyway. Take a step back for the winter and let them go rogue and see how you feel in the spring when it’s bright and sunny out.

[Casey09]

If it’s truly making you miserable, cut your losses. Sell the property, euthanize or sell all of your horses with the possible exception of your riding horse, and board. It is self reflection to find out what you really want, but if this isn’t it then get out before you sink more into something that isn’t right for you.
if you want to go less drastic, then ask yourself if there are any ways to make it easier. I have 2 old horses with a run in that I give grain and hay to twice a day. It doesn’t take me very long and they’re much less work than my dogs. They don’t wear blankets and have shelter but really a lot of the time there isn’t anything to clean out of it.
i do have auto Waterers and hire he mowing out, for my own sanity.

[AlterOG]

Thank you guys for the support so far. To supplement:

Yes, you are right, winter does make this extra shitty. I do have auto waterers thankfully. My ability to kick the horses out in the field is limited because a few are on stall rest and/or limited turnout due to injuries. So it’s an extra rough time at the moment and I’m just not seeing where/how I can cut down on chores. I know winter and the extra work of stall rest will pass with time, but my negative feelings do predate them.

Someone asked what makes some of the horses unmarketable–varying degrees of lameness. None are truly geriatric and they are happy and healthy other than being only pasture sound right now. They have given me many years of good riding and partnership, so I feel I owe them a happy retirement. I’m looking into retirement farms.

This morning when I posted, I felt completely overwhelmed and hopeless. Right now I think that all I need to do is get through the next few months and reevaluate. Tomorrow or later today I will probably be overwhelmed again. My personality is such that I like to solve problems now, or at least think of what the solutions are, so every time I feel crappy I go into a tailspin thinking of what I could do to make it better, even though the answer seems to be, “Not much, right now.”

[UrbanHennery]

Don’t rule out the possibility that you’re mildly depressed even if you don’t feel anxious or stressed.

It might not be that you need medication for it, but acknowledging it and talking about it can help a lot. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist to try to get to the root of it.

[BatCoach]

It sounds like a super frustrating situation. Heck, even in a warm weather state with no snow the short days and (relatively) cooler temps make it hard to go out to the barn in pitch darkness after a full day of work. There is just something in our internal clocks that say hey dummy - you should be hibernating, its cold and dark out!

You have a lot on your plate - I think seeing a therapist might help just to have someone to talk to about all of this who can offer a different perspective. Seasonal Affective Disorder is not uncommon. I think no matter what its good that you have an appointment next week. Try it a few times, see if it gives you any tools. I hope you can gain some clarity and allow yourself to do the best thing for you.

[Glyphica]

I’m not sure how comfortable you are with this, but I’d throw them all outside 24/7 unless the weather is really bad (yes – even the rehabbing ones). That will cut down your workload considerably and make life easier. Do you have any run-in sheds or can they have free access to their stalls? I’d also get at least one barn worker. If you don’t trust them to really work with the horses, they can still help with the grunt work (general tidy-up, etc.). It sounds like to me that you need to significantly reduce your horse “work” time.

[sammy14]

''My personality is such that I like to solve problems now, or at least think of what the solutions are, so every time I feel crappy I go into a tailspin thinking of what I could do to make it better, even though the answer seems to be, “Not much, right now.”

Me too !
I think multiple horses and a farm to run will always be tough for this type of personality.
I’m much happier micro managing one or two horses which I board as I no longer have my own farm. Of course boarding has its own control issues, but at least you go home and get away from them sometimes lol. I haven’t been able to (or really want to) change that aspect of my personality and would rather do a smaller thing well than have my finger in too many pies, and it was something I could actually change about my horse life, which has worked out well for me, and might work for you?

[SnortyPants]

@MCF1991

First off. Winter sucks. I kind of end up feeling the same way right now and I only board one horse. I feel terrible if I don’t go out thereat least 4 or 5 times a week, but I too have a full time job and it’s always just plain old dark and miserable this time of year. I’m not sure what your chores entail, but could you do the bare minimum? Throw them all out if they have access to shelter and water? Throw some round bales out there so all you have to do is go check on them and throw them grain if need be? My mom has a few horses on her breeding farm and they are all cared for (blanketed, fed, watered) but they do live out on a giant pasture. Frankly, I think it’s the best life for them if they aren’t in work anyway. Take a step back for the winter and let them go rogue and see how you feel in the spring when it’s bright and sunny out.

Yikes I thought I was the only one whose first thought was “simplify chores” when I read all of the “send the geezers over the rainbow bridge” posts! My elderly neighbor has two geezers and I was shocked to learn that she was bothering bringing them both in twice a day to eat a tiny handful of grain, and then keeping them in for hours either because the “mosquitoes were bad” or “the wind was bad”, both issues easily remedied with a shed and maybe a sheet/ blanket and masks. She finally tossed up a simple run in shed and called it a day.

Yes, even lame horses can be out, especially if there is no expectation for rehabbing to peak performance.

[SendenHorse]

@SnortyPants

Yikes I thought I was the only one whose first thought was “simplify chores” when I read all of the “send the geezers over the rainbow bridge” posts! My elderly neighbor has two geezers and I was shocked to learn that she was bothering bringing them both in twice a day to eat a tiny handful of grain, and then keeping them in for hours either because the “mosquitoes were bad” or “the wind was bad”, both issues easily remedied with a shed and maybe a sheet/ blanket and masks. She finally tossed up a simple run in shed and called it a day.

Yes, even lame horses can be out, especially if there is no expectation for rehabbing to peak performance.

eh, it probably gave her something to occupy her day, I think it sounds sort of sweet.

[tbchick84]

What about offering up a stall in return for chores? You’d get both help and some emotional support at the same time? There are plenty of people out there trying to figure out what to do with an older horse they can no longer ride, but can’t afford to pay $400+ for retirement board.

[SnortyPants]

@SendenHorse

eh, it probably gave her something to occupy her day, I think it sounds sort of sweet.

Nope, she had fallen on ice twice and asked me for help, or else I wouldn’t be offering her such advice. When I was in college my dad looked after my geezer and in his case, yes, it was good exercise for him and good for his soul.

[Callista17]

I definitely have the same feelings. I am just tired of things in general in my life, but I don’t want to put horses down because of my personal feelings. I don’t judge others for it, but i couldn’t do it with happy and somewhat healthy, horses.
I am just tired of frozen water hoses, frozen doors, the 3 foot drift in front of the barn door, so you are not alone.
I would like to get a better job, move, but where the jobs are, costs A LOT more money, and is not as horse friendly.

[RedHorses]

Don’t forget that horses are only part of your life. By which I am suggesting that you look at if you can make the non horse things easier too.

I’ve been in the rehab position a number of times and it can suck you dry of energy, optimism, and the simple pleasures of owning horses. Do you have any sort of expected timeline on recovery for the invalids? I found that focusing on the next step helped sometimes (not every time, but even knowing that in X days/weeks we would do Y gave me a positive to look forward to).

About the stable help quality of work - did you really NEED to redo it? Or was it just below your personal standard of care? Would it have negatively affected your horses? I get that some things are critical, but learning to do some things to a “good enough” standard helped ease some stress for me.

I get the meltdown today, handle it fine tomorrow thing. When my younger horse was going through his dramatic phase there were days I pretended I only owned one horse because I just couldn’t face the possibility he might fuss that day. Some days it was no big thing to handle his antics. Avoiding the issues on days I felt on the edge helped when I could do it.

I hope you can find something that works for you. (((Hugs)))

[TuxWink]

@RedHorses

About the stable help quality of work - did you really NEED to redo it? Or was it just below your personal standard of care? Would it have negatively affected your horses? I get that some things are critical, but learning to do some things to a “good enough” standard helped ease some stress for me.

This would be my question, too. If I were you I would hire someone reliable to help you. No, they aren’t going to do things exactly to your standards, but I am sure they can help with the feeding and cleaning enough to alleviate some of your workload. I also have horses at home, a family and a job and I understand the struggle of feeling that nothing is really ever under control or up to the levels of cleanliness, etc. you would like to have. However, having someone do the basic cleaning and feeding allows me to have more time with my family and I can do the other chores, riding, walking, etc. on a more flexible time frame.

[Bluey]

OP, if you have the soul of a caretaker, that is what you will thrive doing, in any category, then keep doing it.
If not, if you want more from your horses that playing house and caring for them first, if you want to go places with them, do things, that is why you have them, then you ought to reconsider what you are doing.

Want to spend your time, resources and energy caring for your horses?
Then do it and enjoy it and don’t resent the harder times, like winter and extra care for problems that crop up.

Want to ease up and get more out of life than the current heavy burden of your life, energy and finances being all about the horses?
Think about ways to remedy that and start cutting down to what you think you will enjoy without being over your head, as you seem to be right now.

All of us have to make those kinds of choices regularly, more as we get too busy with life, or start to get too old and just can’t keep up the pace we did and don’t want our horses to go short because of it.

Hope you find your way around your situation, so you can feel happy again in what you are doing, not stressed.

[OneGrayPony]

Oh I could have written this post 4 years ago. I’m still somewhat unsure whether I made the right decision in selling the farm. What I will advise is this - get some vitamin D, and maybe a sun lamp, and re-evaluate come May (gotta let it go past the muddy season). Jan/Feb, I generally hate everything. Hate the fact that I garden (and it looks crappy because everything is dead), hate the fact that I even have dogs (seriously, who wants to stand outside in your robe at 3 am in -10 degree weather with a geriatric dog), don’t even get me started on hauling water to horses and having it SLOSH INSIDE MY BOOTS.

In May, if it all still looks like that, consider what you want to do. I have my young Horse boarded, and that’s probably ok for right now, but I’ve got a feeling that I’ll end up on a farm again before it’s all said and done.

Best wishes either way!