Feeling overwhelmed, not sure I want to do this anymore

[allons-y]

AlterOG, I feel your pain. I had a huge novel typed in response that I deleted. It was all about me and my troubles. I was meaning to say, 'I get it, sometimes it sucks. It’s not fair and it’s not right. Sometimes it feels like a prison sentence, not the good part of life."

I guess we all struggle in life. I feel like I’m the worst off person ever sometimes. I was robbed of what I thought would be my happy time at my own place. Right now, it’s hard to see the rainbow. I’ve had to change my goals and expectations. This isn’t aimed at you, I’m just sharing what I had to do.

I feel stuck here. Maybe you have choices. Maybe you can change your situation. Maybe start writing down what you want, where you want to be in the future. I enjoy planning and thinking, even if those things have to be pared down in reality. Only you know the answer to what you really want to do.

I’m a caretaker type person. I care for people at work, then land and animals when I get home. I don’t really see it as work until pipes freeze and then it sucks. I’ve been feeling much like you for the past year, mainly because of other issues with DH.

Tonight I went out to feed. I stood outside and took my coat off, it’s 60 something now. The stars are out and the night is beautiful. I fed, and brushed the boys so they looked like somebody cared. I protected the Pitbull from the Demon cat while I listened to horses munching hay. I stayed out in the barn for an hour, just being in the moment. Then I squelched through the mud back to the house.

So far, I’ll keep going. I have no answers for you. Good luck in your journey, I’ll be thinking about you.

[SharonA]

Step 1: No need to be embarrassed about these feelings. These are legitimate concerns. You are clearly a smart person. When a smart person has legitimate concerns, and has the insight to ask for suggestions, that is wisdom. That is how every problem should be addressed, and the only way challenges get met. I think you are already taking strong steps in the right direction by asking for input. This is the way to get something articulated, evaluated and addressed. Good on you, OP!

Step 2: Ask your family how they would feel about selling the farm and dispersing the herd (to good homes, whether that be retirement, to heaven, or to new owners). There is nothing wrong with having tried something and then deciding it didn’t work for you. Life requires research. I don’t think many of us would want to come into the world knowing everything about ourselves and our futures. We gotta figure it out as we go.

Step 3: Remember that there are many paths to happiness.

[Texarkana]

OP, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can share my story:

I somewhat felt this way the second winter after my husband and I moved onto our farm. The “new farm” joy had worn off. The weather was miserable, I was stressed at work, I had an injured horse on an intensive layup which quadrupled the farm workload. My childhood horse had recently died and that grief was still present. I was still ironing out the (stressful) kinks with my hay suppliers. My only rideable horse was going through some behavioral issues which took a toll on my confidence. I was hemorrhaging money into the fairly new farm + injured horse, adding financial stress.

During that period, I was so burned out and negative towards my situation. I could have been convinced to give up the farm. I could have been convinced to give up horses, or at least scale back. I fantasized about euthing the laid up horse, rehoming the others, and just taking weekly lessons on school horses if I wanted to ride. But I am SO glad I didn’t.

The weather improved, the laid up horse recovered, I sorted out my situations with hay suppliers, I started lessons with a great trainer, and I found ways to simplify my farm chores. Simple things like re-arranging my feed/tack room setup to increase efficiency and improving my lighting in the barn helped tremendously.

I look back now and can’t even fathom how or why I could have ever considered giving up my horses.

You and I are not the same, nor are we in the same situation. But I share all this to let you know you are not alone in your feelings. Best wishes, whatever you decide!

[SouthernSon]

I can’t say I share this exact experience, but I understand the feeling of being hopeless and constantly thinking you are not measuring up and the horrible cycle of guilt that puts you into. I think the winter has a huge role in it, but the pressures of a very full life also plays a huge role. I also understand that no well-meaning words will help you feel “better” until you start feeling better. Which is not to say those words of solidarity and support aren’t worthwhile or appreciated, of course.

I have 2 suggestions/thoughts for you, for whatever they are worth. I think both have already been mentioned in this thread, but I have found they really help me when I am in the worst part of this depressed cycle myself.

First, I would get a full spectrum sunlight lamp and make sure to spend a little time with it every day. Drinking your coffee with some “sunshine” on your skin makes a world of difference. This goes double for being outside when the nasty gray winter weather breaks and you can get a dose of the real thing. Things always seem a little more manageable to me when I can break away and see the sun for a little while.

Second, I would highly suggest you seek a boarder that can share chores to work off part or all of their board. This person will obviously have a vested interest in doing the chores right, it will give you some time off, and I would be willing to bet you will find the most solace in a shared “burden” of the care and community of having another person in your barn family. As pointed out above, there are lots of folks with pasture ornaments out there who are looking for a great place that won’t cost them an arm and a leg for board. I think this would be a fabulous move for you, and if you decide in 6 months that you hate it, you can change your mind. It doesn’t have to be forever.

Good luck to you and try to remember that winter doesn’t last forever.

[Mondo]

OP - considering how you are feeling, I think instead of euthanasia for the non-rideable horses, you might consider just giving them away to approved homes. (Or asking a substantially lower value than they would fetch were they sound.) If rehab is all they need and their lameness is not permanent, why not let someone else take on the stresses of feeding, cleaning after and rehabbing? I see these horses on FB and CL all the time. There are people out there who are willing to put in the time and money to get them sound again. You are not in a big rush, so you can take your time, visit where they would be living, etc. and make sure you found the best home. Then you can feel better about life and someone else gets a great horse they might not otherwise be able to afford. (I recently acquired a horse that should have been in the $40-50k price range for free.Rehab was much easier than former owner thought. Horse of my dreams for $0. It can be done.) Get your herd down to the one you ride and I’ll bet you will feel much better.

Then (were I in your shoes) I would talk to your DH or SO or whomever, and discuss the idea of selling the farm. In today’s market, unless you are in a super depressed corner of the country, you will probably make a nice profit since you’ve done so much work to make it nice! Lots of folks want turn-key farms, not to build their own.

It is easy for us armchair observers to offer you advice. But I know if you are in a blue funk, inertia is not your friend. It can be hard to take the steps to climb back up out of that deep dark abyss you find your emotions in. I wish you the best of luck.

[Abbie.S]

I’ll be an echo chamber for the idea that there is nothing wrong with euthanizing horses that do not have a good prognosis for anything other than serviceably sound at pasture. You are not a horrendous horseperson or somehow doing any horse a disservice if you don’t allow them to live out every last waking hour with you. I’m sure you know, OP, but they don’t think of death like we do. A peaceful end is a peaceful end no matter when it comes.

So I would also say that you should take a good look at your current herd and assess where they are at in terms of recovery stage and if it would be reasonable to market them as rehab projects, especially if some of them are otherwise nice horses. Do you have a trusted horse-y friend you could perhaps have come out and brainstorm with you? A third party perspective might be helpful.

As far as the farm goes, I don’t know how large your herd is or how big your farm is but it sounds like one of the main issues is just the number of animals, so that would be my focus. It’s far easier to start there than contemplate selling a house and farm, packing up and finding somewhere new, etc. If you decide you want to sell later down the road, your place would at least have fewer animals and there would be no added stress of finding them homes immediately.

Hugs to you - we often don’t cut ourselves any slack when it comes to how we see our personal struggles…everyone else always has something more going on, we should suck it up, etc etc. The reality is stress is such a subjective thing, there’s no one yardstick to measure its effects by.

[AlterOG]

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate all the words of support and the suggestions, more than I can say. It does help A LOT to hear that some of you have gone through this (or something similar). Callista and allons-y, I’m sorry to hear you feel so tired/trapped. I sympathize and I’ll be thinking of you both. PM me if you want to talk more.

Easy things first…I am supposed to be taking Vitamin D on doctor’s orders but haven’t been good about it lately, so I will start seeing it as a necessity rather than “eh, it’s just a vitamin.” I’m ordering a sun lamp on Amazon too. Some of my feelings/concerns started well before winter but these are definite “can’t hurt, might help” steps.

Next, I decided to send two of the oldies to a retirement farm for a while. I feel a bit silly about it because I built my farm with their retirement in mind and they’re actually the easiest of all my horses to care for. But, it will not cost me a whole lot more than keeping them at home does and even two horses fewer will feel like a big relief right now. The younger lame horse with better prospects post-rehab will stay with me for now. I love riding him and hopefully I will be able to again someday soon-ish. If he does not come sound though, I will likely euth (easy to say right now, not sure how I will feel if/when the time comes, but he is too young to already be a pasture ornament and has some other strikes against him).

Re: taking on a boarder-- I really cherish the privacy and flexibility I have at my farm so I don’t want to invite anyone in. I’ve done on-farm leases of my horses before and didn’t enjoy it. Good suggestion in general though! Just not right for me at this moment.

Re: hiring out chores-- The expense is a larger problem than the quality of the work (I can totally ignore some missed poop balls, though I have had much bigger issues before like horses left without water). I’m in an expensive area and just getting someone to clean stalls for cash enough times a week to make a difference adds up really quickly. This is why I’ve decided to board the oldies out instead. Hopefully that will cut down on chores enough that I find them manageable.

I’ve felt better the last couple of days. Not sure if it’s the slight improvement in the weather, the fact that I’ve been able to ride (weather made it difficult for a couple weeks), talking to you guys :), or something else. I’ll take it though! And try to go one day at a time.

[saddleup]

All I can add is that in the 11 years I’ve had my horses at home, I’ve wanted to sell everything and move EVERY January except this one, where we’re having unseasonable warm temps and zero snow to deal with. January is usually awful here, with snow and darkness and hard, hard work taking care of my horses.

And then the days get longer, the snow comes every once in a while instead of every day, and my mood lifts and I’m ready to enjoy it all again.

Hang in there.

I also started sending one horse to my trainer’s for the winter, where I can ride in her lovely indoor and only have two horses left at home to clean up after and tend. That helps a lot.

[Gloria]

OP, I don’t have any good suggestions, because I’m kind of in the same boat. The notion of life on a hobby farm is way over-rated. If I were smarter all those years ago, I would have boarded all my horses and forgo the ill-placed romantic notion of owning a farm. I would be able to board at a nice barn, with heated arena, onsite trainer, and somebody else to take care of my horses. I would show up and ride, and leave all the nasty details to the poor barn staff. I would then give the staff a big Christmas present each year. And I still have money left to travel and live at mic-mansion at a nice golf resort.

Now all my money is sunk into the hobby farm, with not much to show for it, and zero prospect of recouping them.

Oh well, lives are a series of choices. When I go out to hug my horses, some of these kind of go away. When I drive home, I often glance over the grave where my horses and dog were buried, next to the arena, and imagine that they are still roaming the pasture. When I die, I may spread my ashes at the pasture. I don’t want a grave stone.

If you can find a part time help, it really will help your sanity. Even one hour each day is great help. You will have to pay a premium for it, but it’s better than going insane. The other day my farrier texted me and asked me to bring one horse in the barn when he comes to trim. He has never been able to catch that one mare in the pasture. Fortunately my part time help was coming so I was able to ask her to do that. It is a small thing like this that can really make or alleviate stress.

[fjordie03]

OP, I have the same feelings but they are year round at this point. I have two retired high maintenance seniors with health or behavior issues. I love them and they aren’t suitable to rehome and relatively too happy and healthy to euthanize right now. I’ve tried all the above mentioned suggestions except for boarding them out in winter. I loath boarding, which is why we built our own farm nine years ago. I had 30+ years as a horse owner/instructor/rough & full boarder so I thought I knew what I was getting into. I was wrong.

What I didn’t realize about owning a farm of my own: the stress of the curve balls that the weather or my horse’s health would throw my way. I would LOVE to not even care about an impending snow storm, arctic blast or heat wave (my best horse has thermoregulation problems, so I don’t even get a break in the summer from the worry). I also have a child with serious chronic health issues (developed 9 months after we bought our farm). I’m burnt out on care giving. I seem to attract all the neediest cases; I joke that it is because I am special education teacher.

I have resolved that once one of my seniors go, the other will too as they are pair bonded. And I won’t own another horse again. At that point, I want to sell the farm though DH wants to keep it and continue to keep our chickens and pet goat. Maybe I’ll feel differently once our child, now a teen, moves out and is able to manage her illnesses without my help. Maybe I would feel differently if I owned a healthy horse - but we all know that’s a temporary state for a horse. I joke with my vet that my next pet will be a rock.

It’s a shame, letting it all go after so much sweat equity. And I’m really skilled at my job of running a farm now. So I hold onto the moments I have now, knowing that these two horses are it for me. I don’t have any suggestions except to say that you are not alone.

[xeroxchick]

I just want to hug you. Having horses at home is really a labor of love and can get out of hand. I feel the way you do sometimes, and know that boarding would be so much easier but boarding four is crazy if I have a full facility in my back yard. The old guys deserve a retirement, get that too. I guess it is hard to not be that little girl with unlimited hopes and energy, never hurt, and now we know how hard it can be and how expensive. Just hang in there, adjust what you can and wait for spring, right? For me the hard part is seeing a lot of the areas I used to enjoy be bulldozed into subdivisions and I don’t have the riding I used to have and enjoy.
maybe enjoy the excersize we get and the care we can provide. Dunno.

[NancyM]

You have gotta luv COTH when you read the responses here. What a great bunch of caring horse people. I don’t know if I can add anything useful for you OP. I’ll give it a try.

Do what you enjoy. Not all days will be great, and shit happens, bad weather happens, injuries happen, death happens. To all of us. And when you are looking after animals who depend on you, it happens more often and is harder to deal with than if you are not in this position. It’s not easy, for anyone. And yet, some of us keep at it, others don’t.

All I can say is, look at your situation. Look at what you find stressful, tiring, expensive both in economic terms AND psychological terms. And try to change those things. That does not necessarily mean selling the farm, getting rid of horses, and going to live in an apartment or condo and having a goldfish for a pet.

I have always kept horses at home, and have run boarding operations as well, at home. It’s a lot of work, and always expensive, in both time and money. I have moved three times in the last 58 years of life, each time for a different reason. My last move was to reduce work, and expense. I was doing about many hours a day of hard labour, cleaning stalls, horse care and training. Pushing a wheelbarrow in mud, rain and snow. Hands ON horse care, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. We don’t take holidays. We paid one barn girl to help, and worked alongside ourselves. We paid for the help with stall cleaning, paid for the feed, paid for the bedding, paid for manure removal by a disposal company, paid the high taxes and insurance, and had to fight to get paid by horse owners. I felt like you do now, I think. by the time I was ready to make the move.

We moved to a different farm, where expenses and horse care are both less, easier. Semi arid climate, where horses do not need to be stabled, mud and rain rot is not a concern… Less work, more play. We still don’t take actual “holidays”, but go fishing in summer and winter (ice fishing), and go cross country skiing in winter. I do some local horse shows in summer. My horses are turned out, 24/7. I clean paddocks daily, but it only takes an hour. We do other farm work, haying etc, but not like before. We harrow pastures, returning manure to the soil. I don’t presume that a move like this is an option for you, but examining exactly what it is that is the problem in your scenario, and changing that, may be helpful to you.

Good luck to all who have this negative and debilitating experience in the life you are leading. To me, it’s worth it when I spend time with my horses. I hope that you too can find happiness.

[Dakotawyatt]

I feel your pain. I stopped posting a few years ago on this board due to a friend jumping my case about a private matter between the 2 of us, and that was the beginning of the end for me.

I quit my job as an IEA coach/ Acadamey riding instructor (for over 11 years) and moved to CA. I entered the business world and loved it, and tried my hand at RIDING instead of teaching and really enjoyed it. I traded social media stuff for seat time. I got “back to basics” and got to ride over 30 horses while I was there. It again started to become more JOB like after about 2 years just because social media for a business is ALL ENCOMPASSING and it was really cutting into my personal home time.

2 years ago, my husband and I decided to have another baby, and for those 2 years so far that has been the “end” of horses period for me. We both bought street motorcycles, I got my license, and I haven’t looked back! Riding the “steel horse” is ALL of the fun, and none of the “guilt” associated with owning/riding flesh and blood horses. I get as much of a rush out of riding a curvy road on my bike as I do galloping across a field. There are days I miss it. But then I read all of the chaos and the change and the crazy $$ that’s put into ALL aspects of ALL the horse sports, and I see the posts of my facebook friends bundling up for their 100th local horse show, and I DON’T miss it.

Maybe once my toddler gets a little more grown up I’ll want to wade back in, but for now all I can think about is planning my next ride with the hubs and the teenager. Bonus: rather than straining my marriage with all the time and $$ spend AWAY from my family, my marriage is now STRONGER because the hubs and I are on the same page and doing something we BOTH love TOGETHER. Yes, it’s tricky getting seat time with a toddler, but that’s what babysitters and family are for!

Sorry I don’t have much advice for you. Having horses at home is all of the work and not much of the fun some days. I don’t regret stepping away at all! In fact, it feels weird to respond to this post because it’s been over a year since I’ve even looked at the forum. Just know it’s ok to walk away for a while. I may come back to it, I may not, but it’s been a fun “ride” over the years! Now I’m in a new chapter of my life and LOVING it!

[seabreeze]

OP, I feel for you. In my late 40’s, I feel like the time will come when I don’t want to do the home farm care anymore, and I wonder if it will be very difficult to “let go” (I suspect so).

As as others have said, winter sucks. Having endured a significant blizzard the week before last (which isn’t the norm for our area), the first major winter weather since my husband left last year, I have really been questioning if this is the right life for me now. With him left the 4wd and the person to deal with the house emergencies (avoiding frozen pipes, furnace issues, etc.), so I had to walk to the barn (150-200 yards from the house), deal with horses’ electric de-icer throwing stray voltage, crawl under the house to prep the pipes for the storm, etc., all on my own. Also, I seriously thought about being careful not to get kicked or fall and break a limb in those temperatures because who would know (my elderly mother lives with me, but she is somewhat oblivious)?

I have a horse right now that I adore and from whom I derive an incredible amount of joy. I’ve decided to sit down and, on paper, thoroughly analyze the worst stressors this winter. I will see if there are affordable ways I can eliminate or minimize those stressors and put those plans in place next winter. If things don’t improve, I will consider finding an alternative to my current situation so that I can enjoy this horse without so much stress.

All this to say that you are not alone. All of us have a tipping point, I think, especially when financial resources aren’t unlimited. I hope you are able to find a solution that gives you peace!

[Hopeless]

You need to find someone like me. I desperately need to have horses in my life again, but for a variety of reasons don’t.

Trust me I totally get the overwhelmed feelings of horse care during the winter. It does take a toll. I remember trying to thaw out the hose to fill the trough, trudging out to the barn before my first cup of coffee, and slipping in slop in the spring.

I would love to find someone in your situation to come out, clean some stalls, brush the horses, and just be around them again. Maybe you find someone in your area that would like to do chores in exchange for spending time with your horses.

[allons-y]

It was 50 something today, I felt reborn! I hope you OP, have a better day to restore you. There is a lot of wisdom and practical advice given here. I hope you choose the right path for you. Hugs and sympathy and empathy I send to you.

[AlterOG]

I wanted to update this because I had an interesting experience that allowed for some introspection.

After starting this thread I went through about a week when my mood was better. Then there was a day when I was sobbing in the barn aisle and realized that the horses don’t give a crap about me or my feelings–as far as I can tell, they only care about food. That was a low moment.

Now for the last few days (due to a situation unrelated to the subject of this thread), I have had zero horses at home. The oldies are still at the retirement farm, a few more joined them temporarily, and the rideable horse is staying at a nearby boarding stable.

First, it’s been very nice not to have any horses to take care of at home. I get to sleep in! No night check! My friends who board their horses asked me, “Don’t you miss them?” and I said, “Nope!!!” I look towards the barn, realize it’s empty, and feel relieved. This must mean something, right? The question is, does it mean I’m done with horses (or farm ownership), do I just need a break, or do I need to make horse care easier (by downsizing or streamlining or hiring help)? Not sure.

Side note on streamlining: for a couple weeks, I skimped on chores like picking the shed/dry paddock every day and ugh, it really did a number on the footing as the horses trampled their manure and mixed it in with the bluestone. Discovering that and attempting to deal with it does not seem to have been worth the days of ignoring the poop. A little job every day, even if annoying, is still easier than a major/somewhat impossible job every week or two. (But add up a lot of little jobs every day, and they can wear you down.) So I kind of think that since I don’t have enough land to turn out 24/7 on grass, there’s only so much streamlining I can do–true or false?

Second, having the one horse at the boarding stable has reminded me of the aspects of boarding I didn’t like. Most of the time I have no idea how much he’s eating or drinking (an issue with him). No one put his sheet on when temps dropped (normally not a big deal to me but he just got clipped super short and has been getting cold, which is very abnormal for him)–FWIW, I don’t think that would have happened if he was a regular boarder. There are lots of people around, some of whom are unpleasant, and the arena can get really crowded. Going there to ride, I miss the peace I have at home.

So, I’m not sure what the takeaway from this experience is yet but I’m going to keep reflecting on it. Any thoughts are welcome.

[Nancy1]

I always find that skimping on cleaning makes my life worse. We have had over 65 of our own horses when we were breeding and having 11 mares and foals in at night made a lot of work. We both worked full time jobs as well and only occasionally had barn help.

We were down to about 6 of our own three years ago. Then someone was looking for boarding. I thought it wouldn’t hurt as we have a lot of land. Now we have about 6 boarders and we got two horses for our neighbours kids (kinda of our grandkids), I have 3, my husband has two and one on the way, and 2 retirees.

We are lucky because we are both quite involved. He thinks that if/when he dies, it will be too much work for me. He doesn’t seem to realize that there will be a lot less horses here. I would only keep two boarders and my own three riding horses.

Except for mares with foals, everyone is out 24/7 and we live in an area with lots of snow. I have rehabbed one mare for two winters and she stayed in a small pen with shelter during the day. Had to stall her at night during the summer as she would jump the five foot fence when the others went out to the pasture. Cleaning her stall and doing her rehab too up most of the time.

We feed large square bales with slow feeders. This was new this year and they work well and are easy to move by yourself if you need to. http://store.slowfeeder.com/hay-rings/

I am now lucky that hubby has retired. I do find that December and January are the worst as I can handle the cold and snow but I detest doing chores in the dark. I do wish that I had access to an indoor arena but don’t miss the boarding aspect at all. Been thinking of putting my new guy at the indoor but he requires so much feed and I don’t know without being there each day that he would get it.

Good luck,
Nancy!

Edited to add that first boarder has become an awesome friend that I enjoy riding with.

[candyappy]

Sometimes all we need to do is downsize. You said only 1 horse is marketable ( ridable/ usable). Why not keep that one and maybe another as a companion and just put the others down? It might sound coldhearted, but it would lighten the financial burden and your work load and you would be assured they haven’t fallen into a bad situation.

[Bluey]

@AlterOG

I wanted to update this because I had an interesting experience that allowed for some introspection.

After starting this thread I went through about a week when my mood was better. Then there was a day when I was sobbing in the barn aisle and realized that the horses don’t give a crap about me or my feelings–as far as I can tell, they only care about food. That was a low moment.

Now for the last few days (due to a situation unrelated to the subject of this thread), I have had zero horses at home. The oldies are still at the retirement farm, a few more joined them temporarily, and the rideable horse is staying at a nearby boarding stable.

First, it’s been very nice not to have any horses to take care of at home. I get to sleep in! No night check! My friends who board their horses asked me, “Don’t you miss them?” and I said, “Nope!!!” I look towards the barn, realize it’s empty, and feel relieved. This must mean something, right? The question is, does it mean I’m done with horses (or farm ownership), do I just need a break, or do I need to make horse care easier (by downsizing or streamlining or hiring help)? Not sure.

Side note on streamlining: for a couple weeks, I skimped on chores like picking the shed/dry paddock every day and ugh, it really did a number on the footing as the horses trampled their manure and mixed it in with the bluestone. Discovering that and attempting to deal with it does not seem to have been worth the days of ignoring the poop. A little job every day, even if annoying, is still easier than a major/somewhat impossible job every week or two. (But add up a lot of little jobs every day, and they can wear you down.) So I kind of think that since I don’t have enough land to turn out 24/7 on grass, there’s only so much streamlining I can do–true or false?

Second, having the one horse at the boarding stable has reminded me of the aspects of boarding I didn’t like. Most of the time I have no idea how much he’s eating or drinking (an issue with him). No one put his sheet on when temps dropped (normally not a big deal to me but he just got clipped super short and has been getting cold, which is very abnormal for him)–FWIW, I don’t think that would have happened if he was a regular boarder. There are lots of people around, some of whom are unpleasant, and the arena can get really crowded. Going there to ride, I miss the peace I have at home.

So, I’m not sure what the takeaway from this experience is yet but I’m going to keep reflecting on it. Any thoughts are welcome.

Realize this: “We can have anything we want, we can’t have everything we want”.

Give yourself some time to regroup and think this thru, what is important to you, what is convenient, where you can let go and do with what you have, warts and all, because it fits better all around?

You will get there, it will take time to sort this, just as it took time to get into this to the point it was overwhelming you.