Feeling overwhelmed, not sure I want to do this anymore

[AppendixQHLover]

I have been battling this internal battle for the last couple of years. Partly because the work schedule is so up and down that I haven’t been able to compete pretty much since I left MD. I am going through yet another move due to the job requiring me to relocate back to SC in March. My busy season starts again in March but I am going to be in the office 3 days a week and still working at home two days a week.

I have a wonderful new mare to ride and we need to get our partnership built up. I am not worried about competing right now because we are working on straightness and staying in the dressage arena. I am so NOT riding fit right now it isn’t even funny.

She is at the trainer’s right now getting more tune up.

[AlterOG]

So it’s been 4 months since I started this thread, spring has sprung, and I’m still going up and down on all this. I saw a therapist but didn’t find it particularly helpful. After a really rough couple of weeks I asked my primary care doctor for a prescription for a very mild anti-depressant but I haven’t filled it because I’m not convinced my issues are chemical rather than situational and I’m worried about the side-effects.

I recently decided to rehome my riding horse and things are in motion for him to leave this weekend. It seems a bit ass-backwards because riding is (for me anyway) the whole point of all this, but I really need less stress and responsibility right now (some unrelated family stuff going on, health issues, etc). He’s also the most high-maintenance and the most expensive. I’ll be able to focus on the young lame one as his rehab becomes more and more time-consuming. And it sounds silly when I own my own, but I’ve been thinking about half-leasing a fun horse off-site (at least until the lame one is back to work, fingers crossed), so I can keep riding without all the stress of ownership and daily care. Hubby has seen my stress and is very supportive of this move.

Still, the thought of this horse leaving is bittersweet and I’m afraid I’ll regret it. I keep bouncing back and forth between relief that things should be easier soon and sadness that I’m giving up a super special horse. I think I’m 70% relieved and 30% sad right now. The good thing is, it’s a lease-to-own situation so there’s some room for me to change my mind, though I don’t want to drag it out too long. I want to give myself a couple weeks without him to see if life is better or worse.

Overall, I’m still really doubting my commitment to horses going forward. The young horse’s ongoing lameness has been a big emotional blow. Every day on this forum I read about all the ways in which other people’s horses are likewise attempting to self-destruct (I should spend less time on here!). My friend recently bought a fancy 3-year-old and I thought, “Sucker!” Clearly, I just don’t see much joy in it at the moment. Even if I didn’t have the farm, horse ownership is so much damn stress! Some days I feel some version of “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” about the whole horse thing, and other days I think I could find a much less stressful hobby (and sleep in, and have a lot more money in the bank to travel, etc).

Those of you who expressed similar feelings–are you doing better now that the cold, dark winter has ended?

[Showbizz]

As there is a season for everything, just roll with it. Don’t worry about regretting and should haves. When my 3 kids were smaller, I reached a point where I didn’t want to clean the paddocks every day. It was overwhelming on my already overwhelming responsibilities. I resorted to just doing the main areas - in front of stalls, around feeders and water troughs, gates. I felt guilty. Everyone is still living. I’m glad I let it go. I’ve let other things go too, as life has marched on. It’s okay to let go. Don’t worry about tomorrow. It robs today.

[PNWjumper]

I didn’t post on this thread earlier, but I can empathize…I was feeling pretty overwhelmed through the gross, wet, muddy winter months too! But I just sent 3 horses of my 9 away. One sold and two leased. I feel like a new human with a new lease on life. It may be a different scenario in that all of mine are rideable, but miraculously and despite the fact that the 3 were my easiest keepers, just changing the dynamics of my numbers has made me feel like I have one tenth of the work that I had around here through the winter.

But really what I want to say is that every time a horse leaves here I have a moment of panic that I will regret sending that horse away. But every time it’s ultimately made me happier. So if you’re feeling that way about rehoming your riding horse, just know you’re not alone and if you’re 70% sure that it’s going to be a relief, trust your gut!

[WildLittleWren]

I was overwhelmed at one point too. I had 4 horses (2 because I purchased them BACK due to different circumstances of the owners I had placed them with). It was just so overwhelming. I have 5 kids on top of it all, and I kept getting sick repeatedly because my body was just so exhausted.

I ended up selling 3, and just keeping my mustang. I was feeling guilty just trying to keep up with basic care and grooming and I always felt like I was “shorting” one or two any given day (I do self care board, and take care of quite a few horses at the barn on weekday mornings on top of it all to help defray boarding costs).

I am so much happier now that I have less on my plate. Do I miss the other 3? Absolutely. But they are in good homes getting the attention they deserve, and I am able to focus on my mare. Not to mention I have more time to haul out and do fun things with her now that I don’t have the upkeep of all 4.

[Heinz_57]

@AlterOG

Overall, I’m still really doubting my commitment to horses going forward. The young horse’s ongoing lameness has been a big emotional blow. Every day on this forum I read about all the ways in which other people’s horses are likewise attempting to self-destruct (I should spend less time on here!). My friend recently bought a fancy 3-year-old and I thought, “Sucker!” Clearly, I just don’t see much joy in it at the moment. Even if I didn’t have the farm, horse ownership is so much damn stress! Some days I feel some version of “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” about the whole horse thing, and other days I think I could find a much less stressful hobby (and sleep in, and have a lot more money in the bank to travel, etc).

Those of you who expressed similar feelings–are you doing better now that the cold, dark winter has ended?

I didn’t see this thread when you first posted, but you are definitely not alone! Two days after having a ‘the horses are getting too expensive’ conversation with my husband, my retired horse came in for dinner with a 3" laceration to the front of his fetlock. Nearly $500 later, he’s on antibiotics, updated his tetanus booster, and he’s bandaged and on stall rest for at least a week. It’s a very poor site for stitches, being right across the front of a high-movement joint, and it’s likely that it will develop some proud flesh. Just what I want to deal with going into fly season and on a hard keeper that will go off his food if the wind blows the wrong way.

The cost of good hay is rising, the cost of grain is rising, really…the cost of everything is rising. I’ve already concluded that if this injury doesn’t heal well, it’s the old guy’s time to go. The vet is 100% on board and we had a great conversation about the realities he sees every day with horse owners who are burned out and burned up financially and emotionally.

I say figure out what will make you HAPPY - is it not owning any horses at all? Just taking lessons? Part-leasing something that you can just go out and enjoy riding? And then do that. With the caveat, of course, that you still have to make responsible decisions for the one(s) you still own and see that they end up in good hands. I too am trying to find the joy I once had in horses - and if I can’t find it, I suppose I will put it on a shelf for a while. That’s OK too. This life with horses is too expensive (financially and mentally) to maintain if your heart isn’t in it!

[TWH_Girl]

@AlterOG

So it’s been 4 months since I started this thread, spring has sprung, and I’m still going up and down on all this. I saw a therapist but didn’t find it particularly helpful. After a really rough couple of weeks I asked my primary care doctor for a prescription for a very mild anti-depressant but I haven’t filled it because I’m not convinced my issues are chemical rather than situational and I’m worried about the side-effects.

I recently decided to rehome my riding horse and things are in motion for him to leave this weekend. It seems a bit ass-backwards because riding is (for me anyway) the whole point of all this, but I really need less stress and responsibility right now (some unrelated family stuff going on, health issues, etc). He’s also the most high-maintenance and the most expensive. I’ll be able to focus on the young lame one as his rehab becomes more and more time-consuming. And it sounds silly when I own my own, but I’ve been thinking about half-leasing a fun horse off-site (at least until the lame one is back to work, fingers crossed), so I can keep riding without all the stress of ownership and daily care. Hubby has seen my stress and is very supportive of this move.

Still, the thought of this horse leaving is bittersweet and I’m afraid I’ll regret it. I keep bouncing back and forth between relief that things should be easier soon and sadness that I’m giving up a super special horse. I think I’m 70% relieved and 30% sad right now. The good thing is, it’s a lease-to-own situation so there’s some room for me to change my mind, though I don’t want to drag it out too long. I want to give myself a couple weeks without him to see if life is better or worse.

Overall, I’m still really doubting my commitment to horses going forward. The young horse’s ongoing lameness has been a big emotional blow. Every day on this forum I read about all the ways in which other people’s horses are likewise attempting to self-destruct (I should spend less time on here!). My friend recently bought a fancy 3-year-old and I thought, “Sucker!” Clearly, I just don’t see much joy in it at the moment. Even if I didn’t have the farm, horse ownership is so much damn stress! Some days I feel some version of “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” about the whole horse thing, and other days I think I could find a much less stressful hobby (and sleep in, and have a lot more money in the bank to travel, etc).

Those of you who expressed similar feelings–are you doing better now that the cold, dark winter has ended?

Wanted to address a few of your points:

• re: the anti-depressant. I would encourage you to try it. Situations can affect our chemical balance after a while (how stress affects your body). Life is too short to feel rotten.

• re: selling the older horse/keeping the young one: that is tough and outcome with young one is unknown but hopefully you will have a good outcome. I think it’s a great idea to lease off site and “get away” from the source of stress- your barn. It has to be doubly tough when you go through this to have your barn at home and never feel like you can get away. Like a constant reminder because the horses are right there!

• re: how others of us are doing. Well, okay, not the best! I took a fall off my 6 yr old who I’ve had since September so he is now at trainers until late June. I just realized that while I enjoy riding and love horses NOTHING is worth getting seriously injured or killed over. That has dampened my enthusiasm somewhat. I do feel somewhat hopeful when I have a good day or something but i work full time and am tired A LOT and sometimes the horses are stressful and too much work. Plus I could live another lifestyle but for these creatures… ugh.

Everyone’s answer and path is so individual. Not likely to improve over night, but hopefully you will notice gradual improvement. Winter is always a struggle though. it just is.

[tbchick84]

I have always wondered if a mini-farm was in the future cards for me. I have time after time read posts like yours about it becoming more chore than fun and sucking all the life out of it. I didn’t read all the posts, so I don’t know if this option has come up. What about boarding in the colder months so you get a break and then just bring them home in the better weather months?

[ActNatural]

Please try your antidepressant! You can always stop taking it if you don’t like it. Once you start, it’s not like you have to take it for life. Give it a chance! I didn’t know how bad I was feeling until I started taking Lexapro. I never ever want to go back to that place.

Mental health and medicine is nothing to feel ashamed about! I’m very vocal about my Lexapro and anxiety issues because I remember how bad I felt and I hate that others are in that place too. I struggled for so many years and tried talk therapy. Honestly, the talk therapy and imagery/mindfulness really started working better once I was “on the pill” I only wish I hadn’t been so stubborn for so long!

[AlterOG]

You guys are the best!

@Heinz 57

I say figure out what will make you HAPPY - is it not owning any horses at all? Just taking lessons? Part-leasing something that you can just go out and enjoy riding? And then do that. With the caveat, of course, that you still have to make responsible decisions for the one(s) you still own and see that they end up in good hands. I too am trying to find the joy I once had in horses - and if I can’t find it, I suppose I will put it on a shelf for a while. That’s OK too. This life with horses is too expensive (financially and mentally) to maintain if your heart isn’t in it!

^ This is definitely what I need to do. I’m just not sure how, when I already have the farm and responsibility for some unmarketable horses. I think I can chip away at it though, when the one horse leaves and I try an off-farm fun lease.

First of all, to WildLittleWren: 5 kids and 4 horses!?!? OMG, no wonder you were overwhelmed! I’m glad you were able to thin down the herd and restore your sanity.

TWHGirl: I’m sorry to hear about your fall. Different cause on my end but I totally hear you about the stress and speculation about a different lifestyle. I hope things improve for you!

tbchick: I wish winter were the only problem! Your suggestion would be a good one, though maybe not financially feasible. This has been going on for about a year now though, through all seasons. (Actually since I got a better shelter, my horses live out in the winter and chores are somewhat easier than summer when they’re stalled during the day to escape the flies and heat. If you ever decide to get your own farm, definitely consider a setup that minimizes stall time, and auto waterers while you’re at it. Don’t let me put you off either…a farm is the right thing for many people but there’s no denying it’s a lot of work! I can’t quite figure out whether I would be feeling the same way if I boarded all my horses right now. Some stressors would be eliminated but they still manage to hurt themselves and develop weird behavioral issues out of the blue and do all the other things that horses do to keep us on our toes.)

ActNatural: It’s funny you say that, my Rx is for Lexapro also. I understand it’s supposed to be fairly mild and unlikely to have major side effects, though my doctor frightened me with, “It will affect your sex drive.” The Rx is in a drawer and I’m just having a hard time pulling the trigger on it. FWIW, the therapist I talked to didn’t think I needed medication. But I hate to make big decisions about horses/lifestyle if my problem is really just chemical, you know? So I guess I’m waffling. Maybe I’ll do it. Like you said, I can always stop…

[TWH_Girl]

@AlterOG

You guys are the best!

^ This is definitely what I need to do. I’m just not sure how, when I already have the farm and responsibility for some unmarketable horses. I think I can chip away at it though, when the one horse leaves and I try an off-farm fun lease.

First of all, to WildLittleWren: 5 kids and 4 horses!?!? OMG, no wonder you were overwhelmed! I’m glad you were able to thin down the herd and restore your sanity.

TWHGirl: I’m sorry to hear about your fall. Different cause on my end but I totally hear you about the stress and speculation about a different lifestyle. I hope things improve for you!

tbchick: I wish winter were the only problem! Your suggestion would be a good one, though maybe not financially feasible. This has been going on for about a year now though, through all seasons. (Actually since I got a better shelter, my horses live out in the winter and chores are somewhat easier than summer when they’re stalled during the day to escape the flies and heat. If you ever decide to get your own farm, definitely consider a setup that minimizes stall time, and auto waterers while you’re at it. Don’t let me put you off either…a farm is the right thing for many people but there’s no denying it’s a lot of work! I can’t quite figure out whether I would be feeling the same way if I boarded all my horses right now. Some stressors would be eliminated but they still manage to hurt themselves and develop weird behavioral issues out of the blue and do all the other things that horses do to keep us on our toes.)

ActNatural: It’s funny you say that, my Rx is for Lexapro also. I understand it’s supposed to be fairly mild and unlikely to have major side effects, though my doctor frightened me with, “It will affect your sex drive.” The Rx is in a drawer and I’m just having a hard time pulling the trigger on it. FWIW, the therapist I talked to didn’t think I needed medication. But I hate to make big decisions about horses/lifestyle if my problem is really just chemical, you know? So I guess I’m waffling. Maybe I’ll do it. Like you said, I can always stop…

Lexapro is what I take too. It really does make a difference!!

[ActNatural]

@AlterOG

You guys are the best!

ActNatural: It’s funny you say that, my Rx is for Lexapro also. I understand it’s supposed to be fairly mild and unlikely to have major side effects, though my doctor frightened me with, “It will affect your sex drive.” The Rx is in a drawer and I’m just having a hard time pulling the trigger on it. FWIW, the therapist I talked to didn’t think I needed medication. But I hate to make big decisions about horses/lifestyle if my problem is really just chemical, you know? So I guess I’m waffling. Maybe I’ll do it. Like you said, I can always stop…

I don’t think it affected mine much. If anything, it made me feel better and happier and therefore, more likely to want to do it! Ha! Sorry if that’s TMI!!!

Only side effect I have that is annoying is that my dreams can be really weird!

[Fluffie]

Just an FYI: There are mild anti-depressants other than Lexapro that work better and have fewer side effects (Insurance companies push it because it is cheap). If you have the sexual side effects it is known for, do NOT hesitate to return to the doctor for a different prescription.

[WildLittleWren]

I take Pristiq and it has been a lifesaver. No side effects, for me at least, except I am more able to deal with life

[Heinz_57]

@AlterOG

^ This is definitely what I need to do. I’m just not sure how, when I already have the farm and responsibility for some unmarketable horses. I think I can chip away at it though, when the one horse leaves and I try an off-farm fun lease.

Well, much as I have daydreams about selling my place and all the animals and moving to a tiny apartment, that’s probably not a viable solution for either of us. :lol:

Just remember that your mental health and stability is 100% the most important priority. Don’t let yourself be driven into a deeper depression trying to keep all these balls in the air. If the one horse leaving alleviates the pressure on you, wonderful - but if not, don’t be afraid to consider other options. I know what it’s like to feel stuck!

I took Lexapro once upon a time, as well as another commonly prescribed anti-depressant from the same family. Both caused “excessive yawning” (yep, that’s a real, documented side effect) which was honestly THE most annoying thing I have ever experienced. :lol:

[Cynical25]

Last week I got comps from the Realtor to see if selling our place after almost 3 years could happen. Sadly, we’d be lucky to break even, so we must stick it out a bit longer.

Spring/Summer is much worse than winter in Texas - we end up mowing all 6 acres every 7-10 days because the grass is so lush, but it’s already 90°F by 8am. I have an obese easy-keeper I need to prevent from eating himself to death, but I can’t work him in the heat after work and it’s pitch dark when I leave at 6am, plus I have no arena and clay soil that somehow is either unuseably-soaked or dry-as-concrete. I finally resorted to weed spraying along all my fence lines last fall despite it looking SO ugly, but I just don’t have time to weed-eat with my full-time paying job and 80 mile/roundtrip commute, plus a non-horsey family who would like to see me occasionally, a child who has sports games I need to attend, plus trying to pull my weight with chores inside the house. I’ve ridden less in the 3 years of horses in my own backyard than I did in 1 year of boarding.

I had horses growing up but never realized how much my dad did behind the scenes - I don’t know how he did it all! I desperately miss boarding.

[AlterOG]

I thought of this thread recently and decided I owe you guys an update, since you were so awesome and supportive. Spoiler alert: it’s been almost a year, I still have the farm, I still have horses, and I’m happy!

My first step to happiness was selling the most expensive, highest-maintenance of my horses. I do occasionally miss how awesome he was to ride and regret that I have lost some of the skills he taught me, but I still know it was the right move. He’s happy in his new home.

I did try an off-farm lease briefly but didn’t enjoy it and within 2 months of selling the first horse, I ended up buying a replacement. Sounds like a dumb move, but this one was inexpensive, easygoing, super low-maintenance, and fun. I had realized that the discipline I’d been focusing on for a long time (at which the original horse excelled) was no longer fulfilling to me, and the new horse is much more versatile. We’ve been having a blast doing other, different things together. My checking account grows every month now instead of shrinking, which I realized in retrospect was a big source of stress even though I always had plenty of savings.

I haven’t broken down crying in the barn or felt resentful of my horses/life decisions in many, many months. Of course there are always low moments with horses (had to put down an oldie in the fall) but I feel like the positives outweigh the negatives again.

I never did take the Lexapro. I think the Rx is still sitting around somewhere!

It’s amazing to me that regaining my sanity really just came down to rehoming that one horse (who really wasn’t that difficult a horse to have around) and changing disciplines, but in my case that’s what seems to have done it. I hope everyone else who expressed similar feelings on this thread is doing better too. Thank you guys again for your compassion.

[ElementFarm]

I LOVE this update (post 57)

thanks for coming back and telling us how things resolved.

I too have a farm and more horses than is probably good for me. But I do know at some point I’ll want to downsize.
I’m so happy that changing horses, discipline, and focus was what made all the difference for you. Yay!

[S1969]

What a great update.

I also have a couple high maintenance horses - one is my “free” Cushings pony that can’t be on grass and needs his feet trimmed every 4 weeks so he throws all the other horses off their ideal trim cycle. Sigh. Too bad I like him or it would have been easy to justify euth’ing him - he was only a companion to my companion mini, but the barn cycles revolve around him. For now, I can deal. But I do fantasize about a barn with two fewer horses, and I know exactly which two I’d like to be rid of.

One high maintenance horse changes everything for the whole barn/farm. Glad you chose wisely to recognize which one to reduce by and it worked for you.

[ReSomething]

I think it is really kind of you to update after yet another winter. I got very sick and decided to rehome my two and no I didn’t like to do it, but reality is that I just didn’t have the physical ability to get out there and feed, muck stalls. I wasn’t able to get up the stairs much less carry buckets. The pony was fun as heck but needed a certain level of fitness on my part, which I may never get back. DH had been feeding for me, not mucking stalls for months, he just didn’t have time with the OT he was getting so the best solution was to rehome.

Oddly enough I had been remembering my first horse, a hot type, which I rehomed as it was time to go to college, out of the juniors, etc etc and then she came up unrideable for the new owner, and the new owner let me ride the horse she purchased next, just a plain jane QH that was a wonderful trail horse. Calm, not spooky, never backed out into traffic or propped and then tried to flee,rode out alone just fine, never barn sour, the difference was so enjoyable. My God she even went into the Estero at Muir Beach, what the map calls a big lagoon, with no complaint and literally swam to the opposite bank, felt pretty stupid as I hadn’t realized it was THAT deep. She would yank on the reins if she thought they were too tight and I think that is why she was affordable, being that she was so sensible, and Western, she didn’t need contact of any kind and that yanking went away pretty quickly once the owner got the hang of a draped rein.

I went off to college after that and I hope that she stayed as easy for the owner, she was really an enjoyable ride.

I think that once I get back into the swing of things that rental trail rides or lessons are in my future, it should be fun and less stressful. Thanks for the update!