Flaky new trainer

[ernkinz]

Hi all, wondering what you make of this and how much you’d tolerate and if it’s me not her:

I contacted a young local trainer with affordable rates a few weeks back about working with my mare and me. Prior to the lesson I texted her asking her to call me because I wanted to talk about getting her out to the farm my mare is boarded at to get a few rides in before bringing her to her. The place isn’t really appropriate for work, but I just wanted her even to hop on and walk trot and help me with some ground stuff (it’s a rescue mare, I am not so confident, I know I need help). I texted because she had set that precident. She never got back to me but did text to confirm my lesson later.

Lesson was great! I’m a rerider and she was really patient and the lesson also included a lot of walking and chatting and it was very much over the intended length. I paid her just for the intended length.

Tried calling her this week looking for advice on my mare. We have this small chance she’s pregnant and I became worried about it earlier this week so I was looking for some guidance. Maybe that’s asking too much? I just don’t know so many people who could help and she has experience with this. Texted her the next afternoon (Friday) saying I had a question and wanted to schedule a lesson. Haven’t heard from her.

I know, she could totally be at a show or something but two ignored communications has me worried I should find someone more responsible if I’m going to leave my horse in her care and will want consistent updates. Tell me if I’m worrying too much or if I’m being a huge pain in the a**.

[meupatdoes]

If she responds to schedule the next lesson, schedule the next lesson with her.

If she doean’t, schedule it with someone else.

Fin.

[ernkinz]

[QUOTE=meupatdoes;8710699]
If she responds to schedule the next lesson, schedule the next lesson with her.

If she doean’t, schedule it with someone else.

Fin.[/QUOTE]

That’s… definitely the right advice. Wish I wasn’t worried that I won’t find someone else I like who’s nearby in this rather small market I’m in. If that wasn’t the case I supposed I wouldn’t be stressing!

[Soaponarope]

I do think you are expecting a lot even if that’s not your intention. I would not expect a trainer to come off her farm to another farm to check out my horse and give advice. I would not expect her to text or return multiple phone calls unless I was her client, in training and boarding at her facility. Even then I might have to wait unless it was an emergency. I do think you are asking a lot because you are not yet her client. If you look at it from her perspective, she may be worried that she’s getting a nervous client with a possibly pregnant rescue mare and potential headaches. Have you seen how the horses in her barn look? Do they look fat and happy? That would your indication of how she cares for horses. I wouldn’t extrapolate that she wouldn’t care for your horse from these few interactions. You’re not yet her client.

[ernkinz]

[QUOTE=Soaponarope;8710744]
I do think you are expecting a lot even if that’s not your intention. I would not expect a trainer to come off her farm to another farm to check out my horse and give advice. I would not expect her to text or return multiple phone calls unless I was her client, in training and boarding at her facility. Even then I might have to wait unless it was an emergency. I do think you are asking a lot because you are not yet her client. If you look at it from her perspective, she may be worried that she’s getting a nervous client with a possibly pregnant rescue mare and potential headaches. Have you seen how the horses in her barn look? Do they look fat and happy? That would your indication of how she cares for horses. I wouldn’t extrapolate that she wouldn’t care for your horse from these few interactions. You’re not yet her client.[/QUOTE]

Totally a fair assessment, but just to be clear, she rides other folks horses at their facilities and that’s what I was calling her for the first time. I did not want her to come out and just look at my horse for free at any point, I was trying to schedule services. Also, I did lesson with her once and though that’s very little, I would say that does make me a client and one that’s trying to get her to do more for me. I don’t think she doesn’t care for horses, I just would want to be made aware of my horse’s progress with her while she was there being ridden by her.

[SnicklefritzG]

[QUOTE=ernkinz;8710748]
Totally a fair assessment, but just to be clear, she rides other folks horses at their facilities and that’s what I was calling her for the first time. I did not want her to come out and just look at my horse for free at any point, I was trying to schedule services. Also, I did lesson with her once and though that’s very little, I would say that does make me a client and one that’s trying to get her to do more for me. I don’t think she doesn’t care for horses, I just would want to be made aware of my horse’s progress with her while she was there being ridden by her.[/QUOTE]

I can see both sides of the coin. You feel you are a client because you want to work with her more and therefore you want to get her advice. The trainer might not feel you are a client yet because you’ve only had one lesson. She may not even know you want to take more lessons. Or if you’ve said you do, she may just be waiting to see you act on it. Lots of people say things they never actually do.

If I were the trainer, I would be happy to answer questions with a new client in the context of the regular lessons. If someone who has only taken one lesson started calling me with misc. questions, I’d be concerned about them being a potential time sink. So I’d just wait until the next lesson before discussing further. Some of this may change for people that have a long-standing business relationship.

[Soaponarope]

Welp, you asked for an opinion:) You may consider her your “flaky new trainer” after one lesson, but if you are not boarding there and are not in her program, she may not yet consider you her client. If you expect a weekly or more progress report phone call or text, in my experience, that is asking a lot. Once the horse is there you could check for yourself. Good luck and I hope it works out.

[Capall]

If you think the mare might be pregnant… maybe a call to a vet would be a better place to ask for advice…?

[Groom_amp_Taxi]

Until a more consistent relationship has been established, I don’t think you should write this trainer off as flaky. Most trainers - whether they are established at one specific barn with a program (the traditional hunter/jumper type soaponarope is referring to) or more of the traveling freelancer type - are busy trying to keep a lot of balls in the air.

Hopefully the trainer will respond to your most recent text when she can - as you said, she may be at a show or something. If she doesn’t respond, I’d probably try again a time or two and if still no response, well… that may be the response. You should not have to repeatedly pester a trainer who wants your business.

I can appreciate your anxiety having taken on a rescue mare who may be pregnant - especially if you don’t already have a network of horse friends and pros who can advise you. I wish you luck in moving forward!

[Scribbler]

I am not a trainer or coach, but two of my close friends set themselves up as trainers and coaches, so I get to hear a lot from their perspective!

Your prospective coach is vetting you every bit as much as you are vetting her, during this “courtship” period. You want to verify that your new coach is not flaky, and your new coach wants to verify that you are not flaky, needy, anxious, too demanding, or looking for an instant best friend or total emotional support service.

It is true that when you have a long-standing relationship with a coach/mentor, you can bounce problems or ideas off them (like help, is my mare pregnant? or, can I wear merlot breeches on a chestnut mare? or, should I buy this truck? etc). But I don’t think you want to be continually texting a new coach except to confirm the date of the next lesson.

If your new young coach is any good at all, she is going to be very busy with her other clients, her own horses, new clients, etc. She is not going to want to be fielding questions from you between lessons about random things.

If she wants your business, she will get back to you and schedule your next lesson. If she doesn’t, for whatever reason, she won’t. Save your questions for your lesson, when she is there in front of you.

And start putting together a wider set of support people. If your horse might be pregnant, then you need to talk to a vet. Again, vets charge for their time and advice, but if you develop a good relationship with a vet, they will answer questions by phone or text. Get a farrier you can trust. Etc.

I’m unclear if the horse is going in for full training, or if you are moving to board at her barn, and unclear if you are going to be taking lessons while the horse is in training? If the horse is going in for full training, then you should schedule regular lessons on the horse so that you can monitor the progress, learn to ride the horse, and ask all you questions then.

[ernkinz]

[QUOTE=Capall;8710800]
If you think the mare might be pregnant… maybe a call to a vet would be a better place to ask for advice…?[/QUOTE]

Working on that, it’s a long annoying story. I got a blood pregnancy test because a vet didn’t feel comfortable palpating and the results were then delayed 10 business days.I have been trying to determine if she’s fine until this Friday (with a new vet, but only over the phone) when the test comes back, weighing the risk of fescue, $ for more vet immediately for a question that’s already going to be answered soon. And my friend, who’s great but anxious, has been scaring me about it in the meantime…

[ernkinz]

[QUOTE=Scribbler;8710870]
I am not a trainer or coach, but two of my close friends set themselves up as trainers and coaches, so I get to hear a lot from their perspective!

Your prospective coach is vetting you every bit as much as you are vetting her, during this “courtship” period. You want to verify that your new coach is not flaky, and your new coach wants to verify that you are not flaky, needy, anxious, too demanding, or looking for an instant best friend or total emotional support service.

It is true that when you have a long-standing relationship with a coach/mentor, you can bounce problems or ideas off them (like help, is my mare pregnant? or, can I wear merlot breeches on a chestnut mare? or, should I buy this truck? etc). But I don’t think you want to be continually texting a new coach except to confirm the date of the next lesson.

If your new young coach is any good at all, she is going to be very busy with her other clients, her own horses, new clients, etc. She is not going to want to be fielding questions from you between lessons about random things.

If she wants your business, she will get back to you and schedule your next lesson. If she doesn’t, for whatever reason, she won’t. Save your questions for your lesson, when she is there in front of you.

And start putting together a wider set of support people. If your horse might be pregnant, then you need to talk to a vet. Again, vets charge for their time and advice, but if you develop a good relationship with a vet, they will answer questions by phone or text. Get a farrier you can trust. Etc.

I’m unclear if the horse is going in for full training, or if you are moving to board at her barn, and unclear if you are going to be taking lessons while the horse is in training? If the horse is going in for full training, then you should schedule regular lessons on the horse so that you can monitor the progress, learn to ride the horse, and ask all you questions then.[/QUOTE]

This is all very legitimate and thoughtful advice, thank you. I’m working on the wider support network for sure. Doesn’t come instantly, which is hard. It has been a stressful and upsetting month, to be honest, so I know that’s contributing to my feelings with all this. Maybe I should not have the horse, I don’t know. I didn’t feel like I was pestering her because I got in touch twice to ask for services and just once with a question, but hey, it may very well have been viewed that way. And if she doesn’t want to continue the relationship because she finds me annoying, that’s her prerogative. She may well think I’m a needy, anxious nutter and that’s just what I’ll have to deal with…

My intention was to have a few lessons and send the horse for full training for a month and then partial training after that. And lessons on/off my horse through that at her suggestion and on her horses until then.

[x]

For what its worth, maybe your text didn’t go through. I texted a student of mine twice, and she never received the texts.

[heronponie]

It sounds like the texts went through but the phone call/requests for phone call did not.

From personal experience: I can’t do phone calls. It’s a true phobia in my case, and my anxiety brain would rather me light my entire business up in flames than dial that little sucker. It doesn’t make sense to most people, but for me, it’s so very, very real.

I have no idea whether or not this could be an issue for your trainer, but FWIW, it took me some trial and error as a young pro before I realized I needed to start every interaction with a “please text or email, don’t call” warning. It made practical sense too- working with horses, there’s not a lot of times where I have a free moment to answer a call right then and there. It’s much more likely to stack up a load of messages during the day and I’m lucky if I fall into bed at a decent enough hour to be able to return some of those calls. Texts and email carry a lot more flexibility in a packed schedule. I definitely annoyed a few people with percieved flakiness before figuring that one out.

I’m also not sold that you really need to discuss a maybe pregnancy with your trainer over the vet. It’s not a situation she can help or solve for you in any way- that’s all vet territory- so call the vet. If the vet’s not responding, call a 2nd opinion vet. Stop listening to your “friend” who is feeding your worries.

[ernkinz]

[QUOTE=heronponie;8711047]
It sounds like the texts went through but the phone call/requests for phone call did not.

From personal experience: I can’t do phone calls. It’s a true phobia in my case, and my anxiety brain would rather me light my entire business up in flames than dial that little sucker. It doesn’t make sense to most people, but for me, it’s so very, very real.

I have no idea whether or not this could be an issue for your trainer, but FWIW, it took me some trial and error as a young pro before I realized I needed to start every interaction with a “please text or email, don’t call” warning. It made practical sense too- working with horses, there’s not a lot of times where I have a free moment to answer a call right then and there. It’s much more likely to stack up a load of messages during the day and I’m lucky if I fall into bed at a decent enough hour to be able to return some of those calls. Texts and email carry a lot more flexibility in a packed schedule. I definitely annoyed a few people with percieved flakiness before figuring that one out.

I’m also not sold that you really need to discuss a maybe pregnancy with your trainer over the vet. It’s not a situation she can help or solve for you in any way- that’s all vet territory- so call the vet. If the vet’s not responding, call a 2nd opinion vet. Stop listening to your “friend” who is feeding your worries.[/QUOTE]

Could be! Ya never know. Though we did have a very pleasant conversation on the phone initially. Perhaps she’s someone who just “can’t do” texts. Either way, I guess I’ll see. Also please don’t light your whole business in flames, no matter how anxiety producing the phone is for ya

I agree that I don’t need to talk about it with her and that I need to not talk to my anxious friend about it either until we know the facts. I need to work on not being one of those people that needs so much reassurance about decision-making, clearly, which I know. It’s a stupid way to be. Unfortunately I did want recommendations for a local hauler to take the mare to the clinic if we need to do anything more with this potential pregnancy, so that was one reason I wanted to speak with her (or someone! the vet kind of just said “ask a friend”) about it. Of course I could find that on my own, I’m just a worrier… Sigh.

If I don’t hear from her, so be it, I will find someone else to work with and hopefully expand my network in the meantime so I actually have appropriate resources to help.

[JustJump]

You sound a bit flaky to me…

Texts don’t always go through, and trainers DO have other things going on, these are busy weeks just now.

Ask a REPRO vet about whether your mare is pregnant.

Are you thinking she may be likely to deliver a foal soon (which is the time range you need to concern yourself about fescue) or that she might be newly pregnant (fescue is of very little concern till the latter months of gestation).

If the former, then you really don’t need a trainer, you need a field with very safe fencing, a shed, good pasture or grass, a big salt block, and an ample water supply. The advice you need would be from the vet and feed store, and from experienced breeders.

If the latter you still need the repro vet, but the mare can work lightly for several months, if her condition is decent enough to allow for it.

[arlosmine]

I think your anxiety about the mare’s potential prgnancy has polluted your budding relationship with the trainer. Take a deep breath and prioritize.

Do not ask the trainer about questions pertaining to the mare’s health. You are putting her in a very precarious place in terms of feeling liable for any problems that could occur if you follow her advise and it doesn’t “work”. She barely knows you, and does not know enough about the history of the mare to give good advise.

You are already making problems for yourself by listening to your also-anxious friend’s advise. Call the nearest repro specialist and ask for a phone consult immediately. Pay for it. Follow directions. Get her there if you have to. STOP asking questions to anyone who is not a vet.

This all needs to happen before you think about scheduling more riding lessons. Maybe you could schedule a groundwork lesson if you need it. At some point soon I’d get in touch (text or phone) with trainer and say you enjoyed the lesson with her, and would like to have a meeting to discuss going forward in a program with the mare…AFTER you have cleared up whether or not there is a prgnancy.

Separate these two issues, both in your mind and in reality/time.

[ToTheNines]

Your trainer’s time is valuable. He/she schedules the day just like any other professional.

If you want to be a proper haul-in client, schedule your lesson. Be on time and as well prepared as possible. Save your questions for the lesson. That is YOUR time.

Otherwise, don’t expect trainer to do a lot of hand holding and question answering for free and not on a schedule.

I have not studied this post, but I think I like this trainer. She is setting her boundaries: schedule your lesson and show up, and I will give you 100% or more. The rest of the time, I am not your horse care consultant.

[Lord_Helpus]

I totally agree with the “what if my mare is pregnant” comments.

Before you ever laid eyes on her you had this issue. And you certainly could have waited until the next lesson to bring it up. If I were a trainer I would see you as needy and clinging if you called me to get an opinion which was not a direct result of your training. You are not friends – not even an ongoing client. At this point your relationship is one of straight trainer/trainee.

As in any relationship, one side does not need/want to have to deal with a needy person.

[gottagrey]

I also agree some of the trainer/mare pregnant help comments. It’s almost like going out with a guy/person and after one date they act like they want to marry you i.e. too much too soon.

Potential health /pregnancy issues should be addressed by the caregivers at your barn, not a new trainer. If mare is early along in her pregnancy there is no reason why you can’t continue to ride and work w/ the horse.