Forcing child to ride horses for "work ethic"

[Lunabear1988]

No advice needed more just a discussion/pondering something.

My daughter has a 9 year old friend who recently started riding because the grandmother who has partial custody decided she should try it. From the start, the girl clearly told grandma she wasn’t interested in it. But the grandma loves horses and nature. She even took some riding lessons years ago but decided yet only goal was trail riding but she couldn’t afford owning.

When lesson day comes around every week after school, the grandma tells her they need to leave for her lesson and the girl’s face just turns upside down. She moans and groans. The grandma has explained to me that while she understands she doesn’t really enjoy the lessons/riding, that she’s keeping her in it. That she thinks it’s a great way to instill good work ethic and confidence. I don’t totally disagree with her but I also think that if the child has no passion for it then I’m not sure they will get the benefits either.

The child is really into art and very talented at it. She does too some one day art classes with her here and there but her weekly activity is the riding. I just don’t understand why she can’t use art as a way to help build her confidence and work ethic. I know it’s different but you can get creative, especially if their is passion.

For me, horses absolutely gave me a work ethic and confidence. But that was because I really wanted to be there. I just think it’s an odd thing to force on a child. I am actually all for kids trying a little bit of everything but I’m not sure about forcing something on them. Plus riding is really hard so if you don’t like it I could see it being pretty awful for a child.

Anyone else think this is odd?

[Lunabear1988]

I just realized this somehow posted in the wrong place. Is there anyway to move it?

[Scribbler]

Everywhere and forever children have been and are forced to take lessons, attend classes, etc that they have no interest in or actively hate. Sometimes they grow to enjoy the activity, sometimes they grow to loathe it, sometimes in adulthood they realize they missed an opportunity and sometimes they realize they just had bad teaching and take it up as an adult, and sometimes they recognize they had absolutely no talent in that area and no wonder they loathed it.

And then there’s actual school where we are forced to do all kinds of things.

Very often the parent is projecting their own fantasy onto the child. In my childhood, kids with tin ears were sent to classical piano lessons and clumsy girls were sent to ballet lessons to give them “poise” and school gym classes and swimming lessons were authoritarian and incompetent.

I don’t like this aspect of how children are brought up but it is widely accepted and practised, and institutionally accepted in schools. So it’s not odd. It’s actually very common. Sad to see it with horses though. For me horses were the free area of self directed play outside all adult control. I didn’t even take a real lesson until I was a rerider in my 40s.That has plus and minus aspects of course.

Also you can’t interfere with anyone’s bad parenting. Say anything and the parents go toxic. Just sit back and watch it play out.

[Lunabear1988]

I suppose you’re right. I think just for me, like you said, the barn was a sanctuary. And well I think it’s a great place to learn about work and sticking with something I hate to think of it being something that somebody would dread.

The girl also has a physical problem that makes it hard to get her heels down. Which might be part of why the grandma thinks it will be good for her. And maybe physically it will be? I’m not a physical therapist so that’s not for me to say. But I wonder if it adds to an element of frustration for the girl.

I definitely would never say anything. I smile and nod. It’s not my child to decide for. More just something I think to myself, hmmm.

There is definitely projection from Grandma going on too. Without a doubt. She wishes she could ride but feels she cannot.

[SusanO]

Is this weird? No. Switch it to music lessons and riding horseback and you have my childhood. My parents had this fantasy of raising their own symphony orchestra. Anything we ( us kids) did musically they would support one thousand per cent. We moved to Baltimore one year when my father had a fellowship to Johns Hopkins. They got us kids into the Peabody Institute ( music school). They were not wealthy so I am sure this was a financial sacrifice. I had to take music theory and flute lessons every Saturday and I HATED all of it. I was a little snot about it and moaned and groaned but in order to entice me to make any kind of effort I got one riding lesson on Saturday morning. If I got kicked out of music lessons I lost my riding lessons. My music instructor was frustrated with me because I did just enough to get by. I probably had more musical ability than riding ability but my heart just wasn’t in it.

When I got old enough my parents let me quit music lessons and the flute went into the closet never to be touched again. I still have horses. I am not sure that anybody got any benefit from my music lessons. I do appreciate classical music but I have no interest in playing an instrument.

[trubandloki]

@Lunabear1988

I just realized this somehow posted in the wrong place. Is there anyway to move it?

Just as @Moderator_1 to move it for you.

Riding seems like a strange thing to make a kid do when they are not interested. It is expensive, and dangerous.
I totally get not letting a kid quite stuff when it gets hard, but that to me is with something the kid actually likes (or liked) doing.

[walktrot]

Work ethic? That comes with the little odds and ends like mucking stalls, hay, grain, water, turn out, sweeping, cleaning tack, pounding ice, washing buckets, …

[2DogsFarm]

@Lunabear1988

Is there anyway to move it?

Mod advised me (when I asked how to crosspost) to copy your text & paste into the other forum.

Re: your post
You said Grand has partial custody.
If kid has told her this is not her cup of tea & Grand insists, it seems like a good way to make kid resent her time with Grand.
Can kid appeal to the other custodian/parent about ending lessons?
Have you talked to the kid?
Maybe suggest this approach if you can do it w/o making Grand Wrong.

To those of us on this BB, the idea of not loving anything Horse seems wrong, but there are people outside our circle with zero interest.
My brother was interested enough as an adult to request a ride.
I put him on my TB, on a longe, bareback.
30yrs later he still complains about the horsehair on his jeans

[goodhors]

I gave my son the option, piano lessons or riding lessons. He also needed “discipline/order” in his learning to plan activities. His choice, picked riding lessons after explaining piano lessons would have daily practices, plus weekly lesson. Lessons were at home on the old horse with a trainer that was quite creative! Gymnastics were a hit, along with other movement exercises. Time on the horse helped with his seat and hands improving, without nagging. He got in bonus time riding fences, checking for loose wire, changing gates for turnout, grooming a horse or two daily, stall chores like putting out premixed grain, filling stall buckets. Not big enough to clean stalls or bed them. Not highly supervised on the work aspects, (time to play with toads by the barn wall, odd bugs, find a hidden garter snake) though jobs had to be completed before going into the house.

We got only minor groaning, so it continued. He did like the horses, just not his passion. And everyone here did chores. Part of family life for us. Did a similar thing with DD, except her choices were gymnastics, dance or riding lessons. She picked dance but was unwilling to put in time practicing (it was a battle!), so her time was short there! Changed to riding lessons and got better results. She was already doing the little chores in the barn that she could manage, enjoyed the horses.

So you might suggest to Gramma that child does the riding for X amount of time (few months) to see if kid changes to liking the riding. If not, then change to another activity for lessons, music, dance, gymnastics, all needing regular to daily practices and good for creating a work ethic.

[Lunabear1988]

It’s funny that everybody mentions the music or piano lessons because I also had a similar experience! I was doing both piano and riding lessons. I didn’t mind the piano but it wasn’t my passion. My mom decided that I needed to pick one thing to focus on so I picked the riding. I was probably more talented with the piano ha ha!

I’m all for sticking with things and giving them a fair shot. But the girl told my daughter that she wasn’t interested in taking lessons before they even started and that she still is not interested in it. Of course that could change. There is a possibility that she does get more into it as time goes on.

It’s just know through my own experiences how having an actual passion can help a kid learn to want to work for what they want too.

[Equkelly]

This type of parenting drives me absolutely nuts. Children are their own people with their own interests and passions and deserve to be treated as such. They are not your accessories. They are not extensions of your ego. They are not your doll you can just dress up and make them do whatever you want. If grandma likes horses, grandma can go take lessons herself. This kid probably has other things that she would be excited about and enjoy. Maybe it’s music, maybe it’s art, maybe it’s dance, swimming, parkour, rock climbing, soccer, or whatever but it’s definitely not horses. Kids should be free to be their own people. Love the kid you have not the kid you wish you had.

[goodhors]

I think piano/music lessons get brought up because they require consistant, regular practice to get good. Piano is said to be a basic teaching tool into music on all other instruments. Start with piano, get good at it, then expand your skills on into other instruments.

Consistant, repetitive, regular practice with anything you want to learn helps a person focus, gaining skill to advance in their lessons. Pretty sure it also builds brain development with the repetition done so regularly. Daily playing practice/riding wiIl advance the student faster than intermittant sessions do.

[punchy]

Would it make you feel better to remember that horse back riding is a sport, actual physical activity, and that it’s generally good for kids to be involved in some type of sport? It’s also generally good to get kids outside, in the fresh air, etc. Lots of people make groaning kids go outside and do something physical.

Your daughter has gotten to be friends with her, and I assume the two girls are at the barn together, so it can’t be a total bust for this kid.

I recon this girl is lucky to have a grandmother who stepped up when the girl needed a custodial parent. Is it so bad that she wants to share something of herself with her granddaughter? Once a week? It’s not traumatizing the kid; you haven’t said the kid is crying and scared of horses, or keeps falling off and getting hurt. Sorry, but I’m not really feeling the judgy parenting thing here.

[Lunabear1988]

I think it’s great to get kids outside and in nature. But to me there’s a lot of ways to do that and truly you can find something each kid can enjoy? I just don’t understand the whole idea that everything has to be so miserable for kids all the time. No it isn’t all rainbows and butterflies but I see it in school too. The teachers that seem to have more success with the kids or the ones that figure out how to be engaging and fun with the kids versus militant about everything without trying to make anything fun at all.

The kid will not be traumatized from taking riding lessons of course. Unfortunately my daughter does not ride with her at that same barn. Both of them are in private lessons right now too. But if it was a group thing that probably would be fun. My daughter was certainly hopeful that her friend would get into horses too.

This grandmother is trying her best absolutely. Her son is not involved in his daughter’s life. I just think she goes over the top with somethings but yes I realize her heart is in the right place.

I’m not just looking at this from my mother standpoint though I’m looking at it from a horse person standpoint. I was so into it and passionate. It’s my hope that every kid or person can find something like that in their life. It is really special to really enjoy something.

[Lunabear1988]

I’m taking her to this little art class next week though with my daughter that should be fun. My daughter is no artist like the other girl but enjoys it regardless.

I am absolutely all for kids exploring all types of things. And I have helped this family out a lot with this girl so that she can go do things when they can’t take her. I truly do care beyond making judgements. But sometimes I just think, "hmmm " I think it’s human nature imo to wonder.

[rulex]

@Lunabear1988

I just don’t understand the whole idea that everything has to be so miserable for kids all the time.

The flip side of this is “does everything have to be so fun for kids all the time?”

I have a friend who has taken to joining me on dog walks during covid. If she happens to have her young son that week, she will bring him along. We walk though a beautiful, well maintained park with easy walking paths. It’s amazing how much the kid can complain and doesn’t want to be there depending on their mood this was even with us trying to engage with fun and games (forget the grownups having time to catch up and socialize).

I get it hasn’t been an easy year for anyone. During the thick of things it was frowned upon to let kids randomly mingle on a playground, and team sports were put on hold. So this was a great way for the kid to get some much needed outdoor time and activity in a safe bubble. Her hope was that having the dog along made it just a bit more fun. Yet the kid still complained and would have rather stayed home glued to a screen

[GoodTimes]

My parents made us go to Nordic skiing lessons every Saturday morning. We moaned and groaned about it when we were really young. Looking back the moaning and groaning was less about the skiing and more about having to get up and out of the house.
By the time I got to high school I was one of the top skiers in the province, I was awarded most dedicated athlete several times by the athletic committee. It opened the door to several volunteer opportunities which helped with a scholarship. I joined the varsity team in University and made lots of friends.
Nowadays I skijor with my dog.

I always liked riding better, but I’m grateful that my parents dragged my 7yo butt out of the house even when I had a fit.

I think every child should be in some sort of organized physical activity (so should adults), I work with cardiac patients so I see the repercussions of sedentary lifestyles. Ideally child and guardian choose an activity that the child enjoys, but for a variety of reasons that isn’t always practical.

[Lunabear1988]

I really have to disagree here. To each their own. I don’t think we can compare being around horses to other sports, honestly. There is a safety element not to mention an actual animal with feelings. I really feel it’s best all around for the kid to have some interest in it.

I personally like to work on work ethic by fostering their interest. Or helping around the house. It is just so hard for me to understand forcing a hobby on somebody. Especially something like riding.

This girl is already made to go on walks and bike rides weekly. She does want to get out of the house and we go to the park every week with them. She is in a lot of activities but her heart and talent is in art.

Her grandma definitely signs her up for lots of activities every year. Nothing wrong with that really- but I do think at 9 they are starting to figure out what they enjoy. If anything I think it’s a near age.

I’m curious if most the posters have children? A lot have mentioned their friends but not their own which I think colors the responses a bit. I could be wrong though.

[jonem004]

What an expensive way to annoy a child!

[Lunabear1988]

My daughter rides too and honestly if she was moaning and groaning about it for 2 months, I would truly find a better way to spend my money