FRUSTRATED. How to (politely?) tell people to mind their own their business??

[whitewolfe001]

Sorry this is a VENT but also I’m super frustrated need advice.

I’m very annoyed with my boarding barn situation. It’s not a competition barn, and I’m sure most of the ladies there mean well, but I cannot go there and work my horses without people hovering around and making comments. Maybe they are just being friendly, curious, or trying to be “helpful”, but, most of them, by their own admission, too afraid to ride their own horses (or do more than walk), so why on earth do they think someone who actually works with their horses wants their advice? I find it soooo rude and insulting.

I don’t go around telling people what they ought to be doing with their horses. I show up, I say hello, I might chat about weather, and other than that, I mind my own business. I have an upper level trainer, I’ll take her advice, thanks.

It’s just been really, really grating on me lately. Most of the times I smile and nod and try to change the subject, or start to ignore them (because I’m trying to concentrate on what I’m doing with my horse at the moment). They aren’t getting the hint…

I am not a confrontational or assertive type of person, but when the levee breaks, I will really go off. I’m afraid one of these days I’m going to get to the end of my rope and really unleash and I don’t want to do that.

[ladyj79]

Tell them what my trainer tells people:

Ride your horse, that will make you happy. Then you won’t have time to worry what other people are doing.

I mean, in your situation I would be the you and he would say this to me, but it would be pretty funny if you did this.

[tangledweb]

Smile. Nod. Say “Thank you I’ll keep that in mind,” then carry on with your day. The key is to keep walking while doing it.

There’s no point in being rude about it, but there’s no point in stopping to hear long explanations that you are not interested in either. Once you stop to listen it can be awkward for you to cut it off and step away. If you keep walking they have to jog along side until they figure out when to end the sentence.

[Equisis]

I would say something now, before you get to the point of real anger. There is nothing wrong with politely asking someone to leave you be. What sort of comments are they making? Is it general chatter and questions, or are they questioning your riding/training/care? I was once in a boarding situation with a woman who constantly made disparaging comments about my horse’s program (she was a non-rider and thought he worked too hard, too young, etc). Questions and friendly conversation I don’t mind, but I didn’t appreciate the unsolicited advice and criticism. Finally I confronted her in the friendliest way I could think of, while still being direct- I HATE conflict so I totally understand how difficult it can be.

“Hey, fellow boarder, I appreciate your help, but it really makes me uncomfortable when you try to (give me training tips/correct my riding/insert offending comment type). Can we talk about something else?”

I still got the occasional comment here and there, but she did apologize and there was vast improvement. Good luck!

[whitewolfe001]

Equisis, it’s training comments. Basically very similar as what happened to you but there are several of them.

My horses are in very different ‘programs’ because they are very different beasties and I do what works for them individually. Certainly nothing out of the ordinary, abusive, or really all that exciting is going on.

For example, if I’m lunging a horse because it’s cold and windy and he’s fresh, someone might come over… “Oh, wow, someone is feeling good today! You know, you could try [Awful Suggestion #1], or [Pointless Excercise #2], or [Dangerous Idea #3”]. None of which I am going to do ever because Horsie is going to calm down in 5 minutes, this is why I’m lunging him before riding. His behaviour is normal. Yes, he feels good because he is young and healthy and fit. And I’m trapped there, I can’t just walk away. My actual response will be to mutter something like “mmm oh yeah maybe I’ll try that sometime” and then carry on concentrating on what I’m doing.

I know these types of people exist everywhere…

Being at a higher level competition barn, the unwanted advice one might receive tends to be things like, drugs/more expensive saddle/more expensive horse/injecting all the joints just because…

At this barn I’m at, the unwanted advice tends to be more like, have you tried Parelli/herbs/the horse psychic.

I’m at the point where, like you, I feel I have to say something to get them to back off, so I can preserve my sanity and be able to enjoy my time at the barn. That’s a good suggestion the way you phrased it.

[Manni01]

Not sure why you even think about it. Tangledweb is right. I know its tough and I am not good at it either but its really the best thing to do.
Everything else causes problems. You might say: I tried 1. or 2 or whatever and it didnt work, but then there is room for more discussion about it. So better not say it.

[RedHorses]

“Thanks for trying to be helpful, but I’ve got this covered.”

[S1969]

[QUOTE=whitewolfe001;8982390]
I’m at the point where, like you, I feel I have to say something to get them to back off, so I can preserve my sanity and be able to enjoy my time at the barn. That’s a good suggestion the way you phrased it.[/QUOTE]

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks.”

Once you’ve said it enough, I suspect people will stop making suggestions.

[pluvinel]

You cannot control what other people do/act…you can only control yourself.

The people offering advice are only trying to be helpful and/or friendly…even if the help is unwanted.

The advice to pleasantly nod in agreement and move on is the best way to deal with this. They will eventually go away…

[Bluey]

I am hard of hearing and so found long ago that, for those people, in barns or any other you do, if you keep asking they repeat themselves, several times if necessary, then say “oh” and move on absentmindedly, they quit trying to tell you much.

I truly was not quite hearing what they were saying, but had the impression I really didn’t want to hear more, so it was a good way to keep those with that kind of busybody behavior at bay.

You can try that, may work there also.

[saje]

“I’ll mention that to my trainer, thanks”

Or just don’t say anything, just smile and nod and keep your focus on your horse.

[Winding_Down]

Maybe this is the “culture” of this particular barn and the way that boarders interact with one another. If so, then perhaps reframing their behaviors will help you quell your own emotional response.

Perhaps if someone offers advice for “herbs” or “Parelli,” you can respond with your opinion and then suggest talking about those ideas at a later time when you’re not busy training your horses. That would work, of course, only if you enjoy exchanging ideas.

This may not be as personal as you are taking it.

[BuddyRoo]

I guess it depends on what you want the outcome to be. Do you care if they think you’re a snobby, uptight, know it all, DQ/Hunter Princess and gossip about you during their Parelli psychic hotline and hot dish pot luck?

If you don’t care…then you could take the direct approach. “Listen, I know you mean well. But I pay a lot of money to work with an excellent trainer and we’ve developed a program that works for my horses. Your unsolicited advice is not appreciated. In fact, it offends me. Please stop.”

But the reality is, even those busy bodies may have a cogent thought here or there, and they may be the very people who are there helping you at midnight with a colic or an injury. They may be the ones out to swap a blanket because you’re home sick with the flu. So personally, I’d play it nice and just smile and nod and say “I’ll think about that.”

[trubandloki]

They are not making you try things, they are just making conversation.

Annoying when you want to spend alone time with Dobbin but certainly no harm done. I like the advice of simply saying “I’ll think about that” and moving on.
If you want them to leave you alone but not sound rude simply tell them that you love talking to them when you are tacking up or other times but while you are working Dobbin you like to concentrate on what you and Dobbin are doing, add in something about not being good at multi-tasking so it is all about you and not that they are a problem.

[Palm_Beach]

While on the ground, can you wear big fluffy ear muffs or headphones and just smile and wave to them as if you can’t hear? Or just respond, “My training program works great for my horses.”

[Pennywell_Bay]

Agree with Trubandloki. I think they are just trying to make conversation.

It may be annoying, but I think it is coming from a benign place.

From the outside (and your description), your barnmates are most likely genuinely interested in what/why you are doing it or just making chat.

I have a high performance horse that is quirky. Plus- I come from a different discipline than the barn where my kid rides. They are nice people (let me trailer in to ride my horse in their indoor, don’t charge kiddo a haul in fee on our pony etc). My quirky horse has a way we do things. Sometimes people make suggestions.

Personally, I don’t really mind. I love to listen to other peoples’ stories, maybe a suggestion will come in handy someday- who knows? What they say most likely is not going to change my program, but honestly I am not opposed to other peoples’ comments (as long as they are not snotty).

If you must say something, I agree most with “Poopsie is in a program so I’m just holding the course, for now. Thanks.”

[jdobbs64]

What Bluey said.

[cloudy18]

Just a thought…maybe replying with, “Thanks, I’ll think about trying that” responses are just fueling the fire. I bet they are just trying to be helpful, but I get where it’s annoying. If you can’t ignore it, maybe just be honest. “Thanks, but if I lunge him for a few minutes he will be fine. It’s what works for both of us and I like to keep it simple.” Or, “this is what my trainer wants me to do, so I’m being consistent and following the program”. And yes, as already suggested, tell them you have a hard time doing two things at once so you aren’t being rude, but chatting now is really difficult.

I occasionally ride at an indoor where I swear every time I’m there I’m being offered a martingale. Nope, I’m fine.

[NoSuchPerson]

It sounds like, on the social level, this barn is not a good fit for you. It sounds like most of the people who board there view their horse/barn lives as part of their social lives and they are trying to include you in their group by interacting with you just like they interact with one another.

I get that you find it annoying, and I would, too, but it sounds like they are behaving normally for that barn and its boarders. You are the odd one and your anger, while perfectly understandable, is inappropriate.

OP said:

For example, if I’m lunging a horse because it’s cold and windy and he’s fresh, someone might come over… “Oh, wow, someone is feeling good today! You know, you could try [Awful Suggestion #1], or [Pointless Excercise #2], or [Dangerous Idea #3”].

How are these people talking to you while you’re lunging a horse? Are they standing on the sidelines shouting at you? Or do you mean that they come up to you in the barn after you’re finished and offer advice?

I think you’ve gotten really good advice thus far. If I’m riding or actively working with my horse, I’d just feign deafness - I’m so absorbed in what I’m doing and concentrating so hard that I didn’t hear anything.

In the barn, I’d just make some kind of noncommittal response.

Me grooming horse

Barn mate: Have you ever considered tying your horses head around to his real leg? It’s supposed to really help with flexibility.

Me: Humminterestingmmm (concentrating really hard on brushing out imaginary spot on horse’s belly) yeahprobablynot (bending over to study single hair out of place on lower leg)

And I’d re-read BuddyRoo’s response. Lots of good advice there.

[danacat]

I would say: “The next time I’m working my horse with my trainer present, you should mention your ideas/advice to her/him.”

Might shut them up.