FRUSTRATED. How to (politely?) tell people to mind their own their business??

[Guilherme]

[QUOTE=tangledweb;8982384]
Smile. Nod. Say “Thank you I’ll keep that in mind,” then carry on with your day. The key is to keep walking while doing it.

There’s no point in being rude about it, but there’s no point in stopping to hear long explanations that you are not interested in either. Once you stop to listen it can be awkward for you to cut it off and step away. If you keep walking they have to jog along side until they figure out when to end the sentence.[/QUOTE]

This is good advice. So are the half dozen or so variations on this theme. You can’t shut them up, hit them over the head, cut out their tongues, kill them, etc. So you just have to come up with a strategy to “live with it.” This one will work as well as any other and in fact better than most.

When you get home and chores are done you can maybe have a one drink meeting Jack Daniels (or one his many associates) and commiserate with him. I understand he’s quite discrete!!!

G.

[MsM]

When I was working in dressage at a barn with many casual trail riders and folks who didn’t really ride, I often got unsolicited advice.

So someone would suggest a tiedown to “get a better headset” and I would cheerfully reply “No, we’re good, thanks.” After a number of responses like that, most got the idea that I wasn’t really able to use their training advice.

Other advice, like about treating wounds etc., I would often say “Hmm I’ll have to see about that!” if it was reasonable (If it was harmful, I would explain why I thought it was) Of course others could have good ideas in this area and I never mentioned if it was what I was going to do anyway, so it worked out well.

Over the years there were a couple of boarders who were too aggressive about their advice and I did end up telling them that I had proper guidance and to please stop with all the suggestions. They were unhappy, but I kept a good relationship with the others.

[betsyk]

Overall, I’d say our barn is pretty good about the unsolicited advice – but there was a boarder who had a horse of a different breed and discipline from the rest of us and there were a few people who were actually rude to her and pretty judgemental about her sport vs theirs. It made a lot of people uncomfortable and in the end, she moved her horse, which was too bad because she was really nice. I guess there’s a point where the comments do start to really spoil your time at the barn and you have to decide if it’s the right fit — after you try the other good suggestions you’ve gotten so far.

[LilyandBaron]

I understand how in some locations, there are limited boarding options. As others have noted, you are the odd duck here, but I also completely understand that it doesn’t make it any easier!
For the people I’ve been around that seem like the boarders you describe, there are two motivations, IME. One group is just so excited about the things they have recently learned. They honestly believe that you would be excited to know what they know, not understanding or realizing that the new knowledge to them may not be new to you, or may not be helpful to you and what you are trying to do. For those, I think having a conversation about how you love taking lessons with your trainer, and comparing notes, can be helpful. Letting them know that you have an equal passion for learning/improving, but a different school, and then working in that while you appreciate their inputs, normally when they’ve commented to you, it’s not really helpful - and invite them to watch your lessons if they want to learn about what you do. There’s an artful way to establish the fact that you are actively doing what you do, by choice, and NOT doing what they do, by choice. You can even throw them a bone that you might want to learn about groundwork or exercise a, b, c, that they espouse some day.
The other motivation is more problematic, on some level, but also less worrisome to deal with in a way. These people believe anyone who doesn’t do what they do is at the very least, wrong, at worst, abusive. While I understand wanting to be polite in the barn, if the people talking are the “zealots,” you will have to let them know you respect their choices with their horses, and ask they respect yours and stop interrupting your training.
Good luck with it! I do also like playing deaf - with ear buds, muffs or just literally ignoring them, if all else fails:)

[Heinz_57]

I would probably say something along the lines of, “oh, I don’t think he would benefit from that. Thank you for the suggestion though!”. If they persist, you can politely say no, thank you, as many times as necessary. Pretending you’ll consider it or think about it just leaves the door open to offer more advice or repeat the same advice in the future because you “might” be open to their ideas.

I have never understood people who insist on offering unsolicited advice. I have been the odd man out at many barns, even the rodeo/gaming barn people were super nice and accepting of the eventer without trying to “convert” me!

[beowulf]

Step out of your situation and your head for a moment and examine this: what are their motives?

If they are coming to you after your riding/training/lunging session with how they perceive the session could have gone better with XYZ, then their motive is to show you how to do something: they’re trying to give you unsolicited advice because they’re nosy or think they can do it better.

If they are just commenting on things while the session is happening, then their motive is genuine – it may just be they are trying to make conversation and share what has worked in the past for them. Some people are just like that; many horse people especially.

I have long learned that at barns, advice should only be shared between close friends or people who pay for it. One way to quell the constant unsolicited advice when it is nosy or from a bad place is to say “Thank you. My trainer has me working on this, and it is working well for us.”

It makes your boundaries clear without coming across as too rude or cold.

The other thing to do is flip it back, which I think can get even the nosiest busy-body backpedaling quick: since they opened the door for you to discuss your horse, discuss him vehemently. Be one of those people that just does not shut up about Dobbin and how the sun shines violently from his behind.

[Willy_Von_Whompers]

LOL I could be the one who goes on and on about MY dobbin - I can tell you all about him. His feelings on the middle East situation, his worries about the stock market, Dobbin and I know each other inside out. LOL That’s not a bad strategy for sending people running into the night.

OTH if you want to stay at this barn, you are best off not directly hurting anyone’s feelings. My take on this is that the “helpful” railbirds are actually a little jealous or envious of your abilities. They would like to be doing what you do, but they can’t. Or don’t dare. So they are trying to let you know you are part of the same expert club anyway by offering bits of advice at your level.

It’s probably best to keep on doing what you are doing and nodding and carrying on. Fuzzy ear warmers are good too.

In my boarding days there was only 2 people I had to confront and ask them to stop. One lady spied me as soon as my truck pulled in and just yapped and yapped. And I’m one of those people who wants quiet time to focus on my horse. Just him and me. So i can tune into him and get into the zone for riding. I enjoy it. It’s a big part of why I love horses…just being with them in their space. I finally had to tell her I was too stressed from work already and needed the quiet space to groom and talk to my horse. It took a few reminders but she got it. I was pleasant and friendly just not chatty.

The other one was a TOTAL nut job who harangued me constantly about not having kids and pointing out how wonderful the kids at the stable were. And how she regretted it and she wanted me not to make the same mistake. I put up with it for ages, but she started up once when my parents came to watch. It was bit of a sensitive subject then. I am not having kids, ever. Everyone knows that I am not the motherly type, but I can see it was upsetting my parents to have it rubbed in their faces. If it had been my in-laws and not my parents it would have been a disaster.

So I took her aside next time and told her that was it - that subject was closed. Not another word about my child free choice. She was pissed because it was for my own good but shut up about it. Tricky because she was very very wealthy and paid for a lot of extras on her own account at that barn (new footing, new lights, etc etc). So no question if it came to who got kicked out. ME every time. We eventually left anyway - so problem solved.

[Willy_Von_Whompers]

LOL I could be the one who goes on and on about MY dobbin - I can tell you all about him. His feelings on the middle East situation, his worries about the stock market, Dobbin and I know each other inside out. LOL That’s not a bad strategy for sending people running into the night.

OTH if you want to stay at this barn, you are best off not directly hurting anyone’s feelings. My take on this is that the “helpful” railbirds are actually a little jealous or envious of your abilities. They would like to be doing what you do, but they can’t. Or don’t dare. So they are trying to let you know you are part of the same expert club anyway by offering bits of advice at your level.

It’s probably best to keep on doing what you are doing and nodding and carrying on. Fuzzy ear warmers are good too.

In my boarding days there was only 2 people I had to confront and ask them to stop. One lady spied me as soon as my truck pulled in and just yapped and yapped. And I’m one of those people who wants quiet time to focus on my horse. Just him and me. So i can tune into him and get into the zone for riding. I enjoy it. It’s a big part of why I love horses…just being with them in their space. I finally had to tell her I was too stressed from work already and needed the quiet space to groom and talk to my horse. It took a few reminders but she got it. I was pleasant and friendly just not chatty.

The other one was a TOTAL nut job who harangued me constantly about not having kids and pointing out how wonderful the kids at the stable were. And how she regretted it and she wanted me not to make the same mistake. I put up with it for ages, but she started up once when my parents came to watch. It was bit of a sensitive subject then. I am not having kids, ever. Everyone knows that I am not the motherly type, but I can see it was upsetting my parents to have it rubbed in their faces. If it had been my in-laws and not my parents it would have been a disaster.

So I took her aside next time and told her that was it - that subject was closed. Not another word about my child free choice. She was pissed because it was for my own good but shut up about it. Tricky because she was very very wealthy and paid for a lot of extras on her own account at that barn (new footing, new lights, etc etc). So no question if it came to who got kicked out. ME every time. We eventually left anyway - so problem solved.

[MissAriel]

I ride in a similar place. Most of the ladies mean well and are there as much for the human social interaction as the equine kind. Having said that, they can really get annoying with their constant advice/gossip/kibitzing when you are trying to focus on training.

I try to just remember they are merely looking to make conversation. If it crosses the line into what to do with my horse I’ll take one of two tacks: a) I’ve done my research and here is why I do what I do…then drown them in factual, data driven arguments or b) thanks, I’ll talk to my trainer about that.

Luckily I have a youngster right now, so conversations can easily be cut short with a “gotta go, Kiddo is getting bored and antsy - you know babies!”

[red_mares]

Sometimes the easiest thing is to be a little bit rude and either just flat ignore them or say something like “Could you just leave me alone to work my horse?”

“Thanks, I’ll consider it” is leading them on a bit.

[2DogsFarm]

Unlike Bluey, my hearing is fine, or at least I think it is
But for the railbirds I just tune them out as if I cannot hear them.
If they persist - increase the volume or keep talking - I will stop briefly & say that I cannot concentrate on 2 things at once, so please wait until I am finished, then we can chat.
If they actually stick around to confer their (lack of)knowledge i can nod politely, say “I’ll think about that” & dismiss them.

The worst offender was one knowitall who actually walked into my longeing circle & tried to take the the line from my hands. :eek:
The imminent danger he created for me, my horse & others in the ring earned him a verbal blast that told him in no uncertain terms to GET OUT NOW! & NEVER DO THAT. EVER.
Loss of Barnbuddy: -1
Point Made Clearly: +1
I win.

[fanfayre]

If they caught me on a bad day (which seems to be just about every day at the moment) I would say “No, thanks” and leave it at that.
On a good day, I’d repeat about thinking about it, or running it past the trainer, but saying it a way that would indicate the trainer would not approve. That way, the trainer’s the person who can justify to nosy boarders WHY they need to just stop.

[Brownie]

Almost every barn has these people to a certain extent. Just varies as the op said by the level of riding. You just have to either plan on riding when few are around or offend them by explaining that you don’t want to hear their opinions. I have this situation right now where I board. Just drives me nuts. I have a hard time not being rude. I just changed my schedule so they aren’t there when I ride. Not easy for everyone.

[Equibrit]

Ear buds and Fleetwood Mac.

[D_BaldStockings]

“hmmm?
Oh, No thanks, we’re fine.”

If they continue…

“I’m here to work my horse now, no time to chat, thanks, bye.”

more from them…

“hmmm…”

and then say nothing.

They might think you are rude. So?

It is your time. Waste it wisely.

[S1969]

[QUOTE=NoSuchPerson;8982539]
It sounds like, on the social level, this barn is not a good fit for you. It sounds like most of the people who board there view their horse/barn lives as part of their social lives and they are trying to include you in their group by interacting with you just like they interact with one another.

I get that you find it annoying, and I would, too, but it sounds like they are behaving normally for that barn and its boarders. You are the odd one and your anger, while perfectly understandable, is inappropriate.[/QUOTE]

I was thinking this way too. Why are you there? Does your upper level trainer actually train at this barn? The boarders may have no idea of your background and your trainer, so maybe they think you do need help.

[candyappy]

Why do you need to reply/acknowledge them at all? Just ignore the fact they are even there and go about your business as if you are the only one around.

[ItchyRichie]

lol I deal with this a lot especially since I ride all the oddball/project horses so everyone wants to give me their 2 cents.
Honestly, I just explain to them why their advice/comments are wrong lol. Sometimes nicely, sometimes with an attitude depending on my mood.

Ex: I get to ride pretty much all the nice horses that my trainer gets and sometimes deal with jealousy related animosity. We had one who was an import, super fancy but really not used to having her feet handled. In the beginning I couldn’t touch her feet at all. I was working with her on the cross ties one day and she let me pick up her foot, I held it for a few seconds, then put it down and that was a big accomplishment that day. I petted her and gave her a little hay. Girl comes up to me,“you know you’re training her to slam her feet down when you do that!”
I just rolled my eyes at her and said,“no I’m just rewarding her for letting me hold her foot up since you know it’s the first time I’ve been able to.”
A lot of these kinds of people are used to saying obnoxious things to people and intimidating them but I’ve yet to encounter someone like this who doesn’t immediately fold when you respond back.

[Nezzy]

" F*** OFF!!!"

J/K. But i know you want to…

[King_s_Ransom]

I have a good friend who can be a bit opinionated, or some say bossy. It does not bother me because I know her heart is in the right place. I frequently disagree with her, but I don’t make a thing of it. She has good qualities, too.

I’ve learned to say the following, nodding and pausing between each word: “Indeed. Oh my. Really?”

And then I just do what I want.

Maintained a really good friendship for a long time!