FRUSTRATED. How to (politely?) tell people to mind their own their business??

Idk if I’m allowed to say this kind of stuff here so umm trigger warning*

I don’t smile and thank people for bad unsolicited advice for the same reason I don’t fake orgasms lol. If said person is misguided but genuinely interested in helping you you’re only making them more misguided by not providing accurate feedback and more likely to repeat the offense. If someone doesn’t please/help you, don’t give them the mental satisfaction of believing they did, it’ll only give them more undeserved superiority.

I’m guilty of giving unsolicited advice sometimes but I always preface it with “ask your trainer” or “this worked for me or a friend so maybe it could help you”. I would personally not be offended by people asking me to stop. If it is bad advice because of some other factor I don’t know about I appreciate the feedback because it helps me learn something.

[QUOTE=RedHorses;8982398]
“Thanks for trying to be helpful, but I’ve got this covered.”[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=S1969;8982417]“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks.”

Once you’ve said it enough, I suspect people will stop making suggestions.[/QUOTE]

I agree with Cloudy and Heinz57 that this approach encourages them to continue.

beowulf gave an excellent alternative. My gelding is VERY high energy, and I would have people with low energy horses trying to tell me how to “make him behave” all the time. Given he always wants to behave but at time is overcome by energy beyond his control, they were actually giving very, very dangerous advice. The type of advice which had previously been attempted with him and made him the explosive horse I ended up with.

My short response was something along the lines of “he’s really like a hyperactive kid - if I don’t let the energy out in a constructive way like this, he explodes dangerously.” And if they tried to give me more advice “sorry, I can’t talk - he’s going to blow if I don’t get him moving.” But when I had time, I would go on and on about him more than they wanted to hear… and they stopped giving advice, without ever thinking I was rude or unfriendly or that I wanted them to stop.

“Thanks, but I’m good.”

If they don’t get the hint and continue to make suggestions;

“Look, I appreciate your concern, but I really don’t care to be interrupted with suggestions while I am working my horses. I have it handled.”

People will continue to try to offer ideas as long as they don’t realize it isn’t wanted. I am not sure why they do it; some think they are trying to help, some don’t know what they don’t know, some are doing it to be a bitch, and some to make themselves feel smarter.

You’re going to have to politely but firmly draw the line.

I’ve found true horsepeople will be the last ones to open their mouths unsolicited, especially with suggestions about NH or herbs.

I never get unsolicited advice, and I’m not sure if it’s because my horse is actually a special snowflake (hot hot hot) or if it’s because people think I will react aggressively to their suggestion. I don’t take advice well, especially when it comes to my horse, and I never will. My dad’s favorite comments when someone says something useless is “Oh ya” and “you don’t say!” said with sarcasm. I’ve borrowed it from him a time or two.

I also will not give advice unless someone asks “how do you make the horse do X? or how do you get your horse to do Y?”

I like the headphones idea. Though, they’re probably just backyardigans looking to “spread the word” on some cult-level Parelli. In that case, you can just say “thanks for the advice, but I know what works best for Dobbin”. Or if you were me and you’re also saucy, you’d say “I’m sure that works on a QH/draftX etc but that doesn’t work on a horse like Dobbin”.
:smiley:

We have one at the barn who is quite the Special Snowflake Trainer Extraordinaire in her own mind. I have a newer-to-me horse that needs confidence and is head shy. SSTE, upon first meeting my horse, stuck her hand in his face and when he went to try to lip it (he’s mouthy but doesn’t bite), she grabbed the cross ties next to his halter and slammed them back. That garnered a “DON’T touch my horse again!” from me.

It went downhill from there with her “wonderful advice”. Finally, the last meltdown he had, in the midst of her telling me what I should do, I loudly announced that she needed to STOP telling me what to do with my horse.

So far, that has worked, although I haven’t seen her much, anyway. She clearly does not have much experience with low confidence horses or horses that are explosive. Having worked with a lot of OTTBs, this has kind of become my forte.

What’s up with people that think it is ok to discipline other peoples’ horses?

Mind boggling.

After they have said what ever they are going to say you come back with “What are you doing with your horse today?” and leave it at that. Ask a simple question.

My mother always said, “perhaps you’re right…” and nothing more.

[QUOTE=SnicklefritzG;8983436]
What’s up with people that think it is ok to discipline other peoples’ horses?

Mind boggling.[/QUOTE]

I don’t know…but it especially pisses me off when I am usually handling a horse that needs special care due to previous questionable situations.

I’m very lucky there’s not many whips laying around my barn. I’d have a tendency to grab one quickly and discipline the person right back!

Lol. I was at one barn and one of the girls kept telling me to do this or that. I finally got off my horse, handed her the reins, and told her that I would love for her to demonstrate what she was talking about. Well, after some stammering, she handed me back the reins and that was that.

@Come Shine: oh man, that was awesome. :lol:

put earbuds in attatched to nothing. Ignore the comments. LOL

OP, try these:

https://www.bhphotovideo.com/bnh/controller/home?O=&sku=1168269&gclid=Cj0KEQiAkO7CBRDeqJ_ahuiPrtEBEiQAbYupJe03RsOUelYQUqXr8u4K_zgB2KH1dJrR7e9QivdqlWgaAh1x8P8HAQ&Q=&ap=y&m=Y&c3api=1876%2C92051678762%2C&is=REG&A=details

[QUOTE=LilyandBaron;8982688]
I understand how in some locations, there are limited boarding options. As others have noted, you are the odd duck here, but I also completely understand that it doesn’t make it any easier!
For the people I’ve been around that seem like the boarders you describe, there are two motivations, IME. One group is just so excited about the things they have recently learned. They honestly believe that you would be excited to know what they know, not understanding or realizing that the new knowledge to them may not be new to you, or may not be helpful to you and what you are trying to do. For those, I think having a conversation about how you love taking lessons with your trainer, and comparing notes, can be helpful. Letting them know that you have an equal passion for learning/improving, but a different school, and then working in that while you appreciate their inputs, normally when they’ve commented to you, it’s not really helpful - and invite them to watch your lessons if they want to learn about what you do. There’s an artful way to establish the fact that you are actively doing what you do, by choice, and NOT doing what they do, by choice. You can even throw them a bone that you might want to learn about groundwork or exercise a, b, c, that they espouse some day.
The other motivation is more problematic, on some level, but also less worrisome to deal with in a way. These people believe anyone who doesn’t do what they do is at the very least, wrong, at worst, abusive. While I understand wanting to be polite in the barn, if the people talking are the “zealots,” you will have to let them know you respect their choices with their horses, and ask they respect yours and stop interrupting your training.
Good luck with it! I do also like playing deaf - with ear buds, muffs or just literally ignoring them, if all else fails:)[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. The perk (if they’re the type to be excited about learning new things) is that if they get educated, they could turn into a useful set of eyes on the ground.

But, on the flip side… I think a LOT of us have been the person who wanted to step in when a rider was really struggling. In that case, I’ll usually politely ask, “Hey, would you be ok if I gave you some tips?” I’ve found that setting the example of asking can encourage others to do the same.

People that are at the barn to ride tend to do the minimum socializing needed to just glide along and get to the horse. People who are at the barn to socialize tend to do the minimum riding needed to hang out and chit chat. Two completely different cultures. To you, they look like dithering fools. To them, you look curt and abrupt and in need of being included and mother-henned into participating in the barn sewing circle.

Lots of times I’ve been safely in my stall grooming or something, and listened to the chitchat of people who have to process everything and dither over it and rehash and rehash. Or “manage” all their social contacts every day. Even if it doesn’t involve wrong-headed ideas and unsolicited advice, it is extremely tiresome if you are there to get things done, and I try to duck it.

So I wonder if the stupid advice is people trying to interact with you and pull you into the barn social norms. In that case, perhaps if you give them a deliberate, but measured, amount of interaction when you get to the barn, like some loud cheery empty talk about the weather or the great new brooms the BM bought, or the traffic, or whatever, then say gosh! I gotta really rush now if I’m going to get all my horses done today! Or think up little questions for them, or little favors to ask, or compliments (your horse has such a pretty tail! is always a good one). Feed their deep need to have everyone “in the herd.” Then go do your own thing.

If they follow after you and offer advice, then say one of the excellent rejoinders the other posters have offered :slight_smile:

Make fairly frequent reference to “my trainer says.”

The thing is, among people who are into “alternative health” in a dilletantish way, a perfectly normal conversation is for them to sit around saying “oh you should take eye of newt.” “Oh, wow, I will, I’ve been taking tongue of dog but it hasn’t really helped.” “Eye of newt, absolutely, with camomile tea. It totally changed my aura.” Etc. Etc. Etc. I don’t know if anyone ever even takes anyone else’s advice. It is, I think, a way of communicating benevolent intentions in a formulaic fashion. It is also a way of sounding like you are concerned about the other person, but really just talking about yourself. It’s the verbal form of re-posting “memes” on Facebook. It is the social gesture minus any real content.

So is talking about the weather, or how pretty your horse’s tail is, or the new soap in the bathroom. But maybe you can supply a new, less irritating, topic for the empty social gestures.

However, this is all very different from the kind of person who is offering advice and really wants people to think she or he is an expert. Or who is offering advice in an effort to make you look or feel stupid. Those are generally people who have a few (but not quite enough) accomplishments to their name, and want everyone to know it. Those are also the people who will get hostile if you challenge them or don’t follow their directions. My guess is that you would get proportionately more of those people at show barns, which draw competitive people.

You might have someone like that at your barn. But it’s just as likely that the stupid advice is not really meant to challenge you, but rather as a way to pull you into conversation.

Smile. Nod. and say"That’s interesting.! Nod again. Look serious.

The word “interesting” covers a great number of verbal offerings.

[QUOTE=whitewolfe001;8982378]
. I have an upper level trainer, I’ll take her advice, thanks..[/QUOTE]
There is your out.

Keep your trainer’'s business card on you and the next time person with advice starts down the unsolicited advice road. Hand then the card and say…

“Here is my trainer. Call him/her and convnice them (X whatever they were telling you ) and they will tell me…Chain of command and all that you know.”

That will give the biddies something else to chatter about.

I think it depends upon what you are doing when the “advice” is offered.
If yo are busy working with the horse, a quick comment that you cannot engage in conversation while riding/longeing, etc. should do. Make it then ignore further input.

If it is while you are grooming or cleaning tack, etc., then they probably are trying to be social. You might want to turn it to a comparison of your approach vs theirs, and why you prefer yours.

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Relax, say thanks, and smile. These are the people who will help you if Dobbin comics while you are out of town and the barn manager is out shopping.

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Interesting !
http://104.131.37.70/comic