Green With Envy. I just can't help it. Tips?

[BayBondGirl]

If this “friend” is boasting to you in any way, she is not a true friend. I recommend getting out of shared lessons with her ASAP and either joining up with another group lesson or get private ones.

I get envying others, I have to fight it myself sometimes on Instagram. When I find it a struggle, I choose to distance myself from the triggers which helps immensely. I think you need some distance between you and this “friend”… Probably this “trainer” too if they’re constantly celebrating your friend to you.

[AnnieCampy]

@Somantu

There will be no bad feelings once you accept Unya’s and your accomplishments –– and stop BEFORE you start comparing yourself to the next person.

And it sounds like you know that Unya is the more difficult ride, so why take anyone’s bait when others begin to make comparisons? Just smile and be happy for others’ achievements.

Again you are 100% right but… how do you do that? How do you ignore others when all you hear is chatter around you? I’m just afraid if I stop listening to people trying to give me tips I might become just like my friend has, thinking she rides amazing while she’s floundering like a fish on her horse, and her horse doing everything for her. I mean, if I took the long spots she takes daily, Unya would have already had me on the floor.

I just feel like I need to listen to what people on the ground happen to see because I can’t see what they are seeing, you know? But that in turn makes me feel insecure about my riding and feeling like I ride like sh*t

[AnnieCampy]

@BayBondGirl

If this “friend” is boasting to you in any way, she is not a true friend. I recommend getting out of shared lessons with her ASAP and either joining up with another group lesson or get private ones.

I get envying others, I have to fight it myself sometimes on Instagram. When I find it a struggle, I choose to distance myself from the triggers which helps immensely. I think you need some distance between you and this “friend”… Probably this “trainer” too if they’re constantly celebrating your friend to you.

Yeah… what you say makes sense. I can try to get out of lessons with her, but during the weekend its a bit hard but you’re right, I should try to get out and not be with her so much.

My trainer has NEVER boasted her to me, I just happen to hear him praising her and I wonder why he is way harder with me while he lets her get away with EVERYTHING, her bad distances, hands, legs, seat, etc. I mean, I put a wrong leg and he’s all over me, even if I did jump the jump clear. I don’t mind the strict teaching, enjoy it and like to know he is keeping a sharp eye on me, but why can’t I get praised like she does? Especially when I do a better job than her. The ones that boast her to me is her parents, which they annoy the hell out of me. I know this sounds awful but I imagine sometimes just punching them and shutting them up.

[Dutchmare433]

@AnnieCampy

I know I’m about to get a ton of backlash from this post, especially considering this is my first post on the forum, but I have to get it off my chest after crying for half an hour.

I am completely envious and pissed at one of my friends who rides with the same trainer as me.

My horse, Unya, is a very talented Mexican TB gelding. He isn’t the easiest to ride but he isn’t an ‘out of hell’ horse. He just requires someone to actually ride him, in other words a normal horse. He will refuse and he will stop if not ridden with determination and oomph, but he is an amazing jumper and I love him. We win every time we get into the ring but God is it a struggle. Please no comments on my horse, budget is tight and, honestly, I can’t get a more expensive horse so I’m working my best with what I’ve got and I’m somehow making it work.
My friends horse, on the other hand, is an imported, 2.5 million peso, KWPN mare who was doing the triple bar challenge in Holland (Or somewhere in Europe) before coming here. She literally was jumping 2m with ease with another rider and that mare was winning no matter what. This mare doesn’t refuse, forgives ANY DISTANCE, does literally all the job herself while my friend sits there doing NOTHING, her legs not even tight (moving all around), her hand never giving her horse release and her seat all bouncy. If I did that with my horse, I’d have a face full of sand or an unfinished course or worse a very pissed horse trying to buck me off.

And yet, even though I work my ass off every day, stay extra hours with my trainer to watch others and learn more from others riding, ride whatever horse my trainer gives me (some that have literally tried to flip over on me) to get more experience and get better at riding, my friend still does better than me when we have our lesson together. The exercises? She does them right the first time or by the second time while I usually struggle with Unya being a brat if he got confused by the exercise or simply doesn’t feel like doing it that day(of course I stay patient with him until he understands it because I know he isn’t as experienced and needs a bit of teaching from my part) while watching my friend not even have to tell her mare what to do while the mare figures it out all by herself. Prizes and competitions? I win every time I get into the ring, give me a horse and I’ll win at least third place, and yet I look like a monkey riding while my friend looks all pretty while the mare does all the work. She literally doesn’t win higher than 6th place in a 10 horse competition while I won first in a 50 national competition this year, and yet she gets praised more by my trainer and gets to jump higher than me. In our team, I am the one with the most prizes, championships, and ribbons, yet I get stuck jumping 1m this year while my coach wants to enter my friend in the Longines Global youth championship at 1.25. I mean, really? I know it sounds like an envious and jealous person, and I’m here admitting that I am but can you blame me? I’ve fallen, cried, and struggled to get the horse I have (convincing my parents who HATE horses) and struggled to get him to the level he has achieved while my friend sits on her expensive mare looking pretty and just cries when she wants a new horse.

I ride two horses that my trainer is selling, they are both amazing animals, one is super easy the other is a bit lazy but my trainer and I have worked our butts off to make them the way they are, automatic rides. The super-easy horse, Churro, jumps whatever you put in front of him no matter what. While I was working him I gave him a 1.30 course with ease! I would die to buy either churro or Pistol (the lazy one, my favorite) but I know I’ll never be able to, and yet my friend got on Churro one time and now her parents are buying him, claiming she rides him better than me and that he’s a hard horse that will force her to try harder. PLEASE! That horse I could ride with one hand behind my back.

My friend is also taking a trip to Europe with her parents and my coach this year to get yet ANOTHER HORSE. I feel like the universe is testing me with my friend, and honestly it broke me today. I just can’t stand it and I would die just to have half of what she has, and it pisses me off that she takes it for granted. She doesn’t try, she doesn’t take training seriously, and it frustrates the HELL out of me when she gives up or just lets the mare do it on her own because she’s ‘tired’. If I had that mare I would already be jumping the classical (1.40-1.50).

And I know many will say ‘oh, but maybe she rides better than you’, please. She got on Unya once, ONCE, and started to complain because he was ‘too difficult to control’ and ‘too hard to handle’. I was on her mare, she was on Unya, and we were jumping at the same time, the same obstacle. The jumps got up to 1.10 and I was jumping the mare with ease while my friend couldn’t get unya to even look at the jump. They had to take it back down to 1m to get him to jump with her terrible seat and legs. I mean, I’ve jumped unya up to 1.20 (not a whole course but 2 or 3 obstacles) and yet she couldn’t get him over a 1.10 pole while I jumped her mare, that being the first time I rode her, up to 1.30. My friend is terrified of riding Unya, so yeah, she doesn’t ride better than me.

I just can’t help the envy I feel watching her or hearing about her rides. I hate having her parents come over and showing her off and me having to hold my tongue to not say that their daughter rides terrible. I want her parents to not compare her to me or try to get her to give ME tips. I mean, her parents and her want to CORRECT ME?! Really? I hate that people compliment her while I have people attacking me and criticizing my every move while I’m the one who wins more than her, just because my riding isn’t pretty but instead efficient. I just don’t know what to do with the envy that is choking me constantly and I just struggle with understanding that Unya is what I have to work with and I have to make it work. Once I sell him my plan is to get a better horse but first I have to make him automatic which is a long way away. I’m young, so maybe I have more maturing to do, but I just can’t bear the envy anymore. I need to know what to do to get ride of it or to at least keep it under control because I feel like I sound cocky but really I have lost all confidence in my riding recently.

One question, Am I A Bad Person For Feeling Like This?

This sounds familiar, did you recently post another thread on this topic?

Either way, there will always be someone with more money or more talent or more luck than you at anything you do in life, best to learn to accept it now.

I look at some riders and wish I could have the ride on their horse(s) and I’m sure there are people who feel the same about me and my horses.

[Somantu]

[LIST=1]

Stop focusing on your friend

Listen to your trainer (if you trust and respect them.)

Don’t get defensive when being critiqued

Appreciate your wins

Start again at #1. [/LIST] 😉

[AnnieCampy]

@Dutchmare433

This sounds familiar, did you recently post another thread on this topic?

Either way, there will always be someone with more money or more talent or more luck than you at anything you do in life, best to learn to accept it now.

I look at some riders and wish I could have the ride on their horse(s) and I’m sure there are people who feel the same about me and my horses.

No, first post on this forum. I’ve been lurking but only until today did I feel a need to make an account and whine about my problems ;-; I know there’s nothing I can do but I want to LEARN to handle these feelings, I want to understand what to do when I have them or what to do to stop them.

[AnnieCampy]

@Somantu

[LIST=1]

Stop focusing on your friend

Listen to your trainer (if you trust and respect them.)

Don’t get defensive when being critiqued

Appreciate your wins

Start again at #1. [/LIST] 😉

Ok… ok. Sounds like a plan… I’m just really need help and I had no where else to look but here, were I’ve been lurking recently. I have to admit I get super defensive when critiqued but maybe I should just learn how to take what I find important and ignore everything else…

Thank you for your reply, I’ll keep it in mind and try my best.

[Scribbler]

I think we have had a thread from the OP using another name.

OP these are totally normal feelings for a young teenager without a strong sense of self. Working to overcome feelings like these are part of the process of becoming an adult.

You have a couple of ways to deal with the situation.

You can find wealthier parents to buy you a better horse .

You can choose to stop dwelling on this stuff and change how you feel about things.

You can continue to wallow in jealousy because it is a way of making yourself feel superior to other people.

You can work hard, stop falling off your horse, and value your own skills and competency.

All of this is a useful lesson in the fact that the world is neither fair nor does it give you a level playing field. You have way more advantages than most children your age but obviously someone out there will always have more. That’s life.

The measure of your character is how you play the cards you are dealt. It is entirely your choice.

[centaursam]

We take part in a sport that just so happens to go hand in hand with lots of money. Anything to do with horses is expensive, let alone riding them to compete.

Some sports aren’t like this, while others are. Having a lot of money simply puts you at a greater advantage and that is not wrong, it’s just a part of the sport. Go on YouTube and find a Jessica Springsteen video and you’re guaranteed to find so much hate in the comments section (many from other riders) just because she comes from a wealthy family. She’s done nothing wrong, she just has better opportunities, that’s life.

At this point you have 3 choices:

1.) Work to get yourself to a point where you have enough money to buy the nice horses, trainers, gear, etc.
2.) Work to get yourself to a point where your skill level can compensate for any lack of finances you may have for the time being
3.) Do both

None of those choices involves complaining or comparing yourself to others. I don’t mean to sound like an asshole so please don’t think I’m trying to be rude. And trust me, I’ve had my fair share of frustrations when it comes to riding so I can empathize with your feelings of vexation.

With that said, you’re expending a tremendous amount of mental and emotional energy obsessing over what’s going on with your friend and how it relates to you. That energy should be going towards the choices I spoke about above. Use that as fuel to help you progress. Envy is a tragic waste of time and energy.

Your horse sounds amazing and it seems he has helped you become a great rider. Be kind to him, it’s not fair to compare him to others just as it’s not far to compare yourself to others. If you want to look pretty and/or win, that’s great, but leave your friend out of this. We are our own worst enemies, if you want to compare yourself, do so with who you were as a rider yesterday, or last week, last month, etc. Look forward to where you want to go with riding, compare your progress to your own self, not your friend or anyone else for that matter.

Some days it will be harder than others. On those days, if you can’t help it, use that angst as motivation. Attack your training harder, find ways to get better, become obsessed with being the best you can be. As competitors in a sport, we are competing against others (obviously) but if you can discover how to compete and win against yourself first and foremost, everyone else is easy.

[AnnieCampy]

@Scribbler

I think we have had a thread from the OP using another name.

OP these are totally normal feelings for a young teenager without a strong sense of self. Working to overcome feelings like these are part of the process of becoming an adult.

You have a couple of ways to deal with the situation.

You can find wealthier parents to buy you a better horse .

You can choose to stop dwelling on this stuff and change how you feel about things.

You can continue to wallow in jealousy because it is a way of making yourself feel superior to other people.

You can work hard, stop falling off your horse, and value your own skills and competency.

All of this is a useful lesson in the fact that the world is neither fair nor does it give you a level playing field. You have way more advantages than most children your age but obviously someone out there will always have more. That’s life.

The measure of your character is how you play the cards you are dealt. It is entirely your choice.

It was my second fall off of Unya, he had never gotten to throw me off because usually I can tell what his mood is and how much leg or how much rein I should be applying to him but this was my first fall off of him after a little over a year of having him and I was left a bit shocked because it wasn’t just a stop it was a stop and a rear and I just fell flat on my back. The first fall off of him was the first month I had him, he had a temper tantrum after I scolded him for refusing a cross rail and I wasn’t expecting a buck and I just flew… but that was me not actually being tight around my leg so I went off.

You’re right, but I don’t know HOW. Thats the issue. I feel like I’ll be a dick if I block her from social media or if I tell everyone to stop telling me what I’m doing wrong.

I know, at 17 I’m lucky to have Unya but I can’t help want what I don’t have and envy it. I got some good advice, and I read that someone stopped going on instagram so maybe I’ll try that till my confidence goes back up or I learn to ignore negativity.

[AnnieCampy]

@centaursam

We take part in a sport that just so happens to go hand in hand with lots of money. Anything to do with horses is expensive, let alone riding them to compete.

Some sports aren’t like this, while others are. Having a lot of money simply puts you at a greater advantage and that is not wrong, it’s just a part of the sport. Go on YouTube and find a Jessica Springsteen video and you’re guaranteed to find so much hate in the comments section (many from other riders) just because she comes from a wealthy family. She’s done nothing wrong, she just has better opportunities, that’s life.

At this point you have 3 choices:

1.) Work to get yourself to a point where you have enough money to buy the nice horses, trainers, gear, etc.
2.) Work to get yourself to a point where your skill level can compensate for any lack of finances you may have for the time being
3.) Do both

None of those choices involves complaining or comparing yourself to others. I don’t mean to sound like an asshole so please don’t think I’m trying to be rude. And trust me, I’ve had my fair share of frustrations when it comes to riding so I can empathize with your feelings of vexation.

With that said, you’re expending a tremendous amount of mental and emotional energy obsessing over what’s going on with your friend and how it relates to you. That energy should be going towards the choices I spoke about above. Use that as fuel to help you progress. Envy is a tragic waste of time and energy.

Your horse sounds amazing and it seems he has helped you become a great rider. Be kind to him, it’s not fair to compare him to others just as it’s not far to compare yourself to others. If you want to look pretty and/or win, that’s great, but leave your friend out of this. We are our own worst enemies, if you want to compare yourself, do so with who you were as a rider yesterday, or last week, last month, etc. Look forward to where you want to go with riding, compare your progress to your own self, not your friend or anyone else for that matter.

Some days it will be harder than others. On those days, if you can’t help it, use that angst as motivation. Attack your training harder, find ways to get better, become obsessed with being the best you can be. As competitors in a sport, we are competing against others (obviously) but if you can discover how to compete and win against yourself first and foremost, everyone else is easy.

You’re right, I just wish this were easier. I wish these feelings would just disappear. I’ll try my best to instead fight against myself but I just feel like it’ll be hard.

Don’t worry about it, i don’t think you’re being rude just truthful and truth hurts. Just gotta realize that life isn’t fair and well, gotta work with what I’ve got and just enjoy the moment… sounds easier said and done though haha. Wish me luck, though I’ll probably be coming back to this thread a lot for help

[Jenerationx]

You look like the person that has it easy to others. You have your own horse, you have time to ride, you have money to go to shows and win, and here you are complaining about the opportunity you have. A lot of people have far less than that and they’re not here complaining. They’re thankful for being able to ride anything at all. Practice being thankful for what you have and stop worrying about what anyone else has. That has no effect on the opportunity you have.

[AnnieCampy]

@Jenerationx

You look like the person that has it easy to others. You have your own horse, you have time to ride, you have money to go to shows and win, and here you are complaining about the opportunity you have. A lot of people have far less than that and they’re not here complaining. They’re thankful for being able to ride anything at all. Practice being thankful for what you have and stop worrying about what anyone else has. That has no effect on the opportunity you have.

I didn’t mean to offend anyone by my post but I by no means think that I am unfortunate or that I don’t have anything. I’m grateful for my horse, I’m grateful I have my parents financial support, and I’m grateful for my trainer but that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to complain about my feelings when I think they have gotten out of control. I feel I have a problem which is why I posted this, because I want help to learn how to control my feelings that don’t allow me to enjoy my riding. With all due respect, you saying I shouldn’t be complaining just makes me feel worse and if someone experiencing the same thing reads this they’ll begin to bottle their feelings up until they explode like I did earlier. I feel envy, not that I;m not grateful for what I have. I’ve fought extremely hard for what I have, working different jobs, juggling school, and still waking up at 4 in the morning to get enough time to ride and take care of Unya.

The thing I want is help, like @centaursam, @Somantu , and many more have been trying to give me because I need to know what to do to rid of these feelings. Its tough love but I appreciate it, I know I have a problem and people trying to help me out are deeply appreciated.

[Scribbler]

If you don’t want to feel this way then you have to change how you think and feel about the situation.

This is what cognitive pyschologists do in counseling to help people who have obsessive thoughts

But it is also something that you can practice on your own.

You decide that you will interpret the situation in a different way that makes you feel better. Then you figure out what you need to do to keep that different feeling. That might be that you just walk away from any conversation that makes you start feeling anxiety. It might mean that you stop following someone on social media. It might mean that you come up with something to distract yourself when you are stewing at home.

Remember that no athlete ever accomplished anything by being jealous. All good athletes have the ability to block out those feelings and concentrate on themselves. Being jealous is actually bad for your competence. You might want to do some sports counselling or at least read some books on sports psychology.

Young women are socialized to be socially anxious and I think jealousy is related to anxiety. You need. To get past this and find your own zone.

But also you need to look deep in your heart and consider what things you are getting from your jealousy. Being jealous can be a way of secretly feeling superior because it allows you to pretend that you are actually better than the other person and just haven’t been given a chance.

It’s a way of boosting your own ego when you know you aren’t good enough.

If you were good enough you’d be doing amazing things on this horse. Being jealous is an excuse to not try. That is why athletes can’t afford it.

In other words, you are not riding your best because you are jealous. If you want to ride better you have to weed out the jealousy moment by moment and replace it with positive thoughts about yourself and your horse.

[Jenerationx]

The thing is, unless you become a very elite rich individual, someone is always going to have more than you do. The way to stop negative feelings is to focus on the positive things that you do have. If I have a perfect horse and I can ride all day, every day… does that change what you have? We’ve all looked at someone with more than us and wished our own circumstances were different, and there will always be somebody out there that you could envy… but sitting there envying someone and spending time and energy on that emotion doesn’t do any good. You need to turn that into motivation and like Centaursam said, make enough money to make things easier for you, ride well enough to win on the cheaper horses, or both. In the meantime, turn that “I wish I had that” into “I’m grateful for the opportunity I do have, and I’m going to do well with it.”

[Cammie]

@AnnieCampy

No, first post on this forum. I’ve been lurking but only until today did I feel a need to make an account and whine about my problems ;-; I know there’s nothing I can do but I want to LEARN to handle these feelings, I want to understand what to do when I have them or what to do to stop them.

This isn’t you? Sure sounds like the same writer. 17 vs 19, both in Mexico, both with difficult horses, supposedly jumping big fences.

https://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/forum/discussion-forums/hunter-jumper/10591875-how-many-times-have-you-fallen-off

[kande04]

Probably not going to happen, but staying away from the shows until you’re more mature might be a good first step.

You may also want to think about the whole idea that humans need to experience pain to be able to experience pleasure, and put your frustration//jealousy into that context. IOW, embrace the negative feelings until you get through them, because they’re what will set you up to experience the opposite feelings (joy/satisfaction).

Admittedly, the negative feelings aren’t fun, and especially when you are young and impatient and want to use your abundant energy to fix them right now, but a better soluton is to just be patient and accept that you need to go through the negative feelings before you can experience more positive ones.

IOW, just chill, be good to your horse so that you don’t have to look back and be ashamed of the way you treated him back when you were young and ambitious, and try to develop the patience to carry on with grace and good humor.

[gertie06]

@Cammie

This isn’t you? Sure sounds like the same writer. 17 vs 19, both in Mexico, both with difficult horses, supposedly jumping big fences.

https://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/forum/discussion-forums/hunter-jumper/10591875-how-many-times-have-you-fallen-off

I call bingo.

[GraceLikeRain]

@AnnieCampy

My trainer has NEVER boasted her to me, I just happen to hear him praising her and I wonder why he is way harder with me while he lets her get away with EVERYTHING, her bad distances, hands, legs, seat, etc. I mean, I put a wrong leg and he’s all over me, even if I did jump the jump clear. I don’t mind the strict teaching, enjoy it and like to know he is keeping a sharp eye on me, but why can’t I get praised like she does? Especially when I do a better job than her. The ones that boast her to me is her parents, which they annoy the hell out of me. I know this sounds awful but I imagine sometimes just punching them and shutting them up.

Your “friend” sounds like a mediocre rider with a lot of financial resources and parents who are very invested in seeing her do well. Your trainer heaps praises on her because it keeps the parents happy (and therefore their business flowing).

Your trainer is tough on you because he clearly sees that you have talent. I am someone who really enjoys praise and it can be hard to feel like it is critique after critique. The next time you receive a corrections, flip it around in your head.

Trainer: Right heel down!
You (in your head): My legs are so solid that my trainer can critique just a small part of my leg position. My hard work is paying off.

Trainer: Don’t you dare get deep to that fence again.
You (in your head): My trainer believes that I have a really good eye and know how to avoid repeating this mistake a second time.

You have got to learn how to tune out her parents. They are living their dream through her and unfortunately see tearing down her peers as part of that process. Getting angry, frustrated, or sad only hurts you, not them.

Have you heard of a gratitude journal? After each ride, take some time to write down all of the things that went well during your ride. If you have things to work on, frame them positively “I did a better job of balancing through my corners and I want to continue to work on this” rather than “stop allowing horse to fall in around turns”.

There are people 2-3x+ your age who will never have the opportunities you have in front of you right now. If you spend this time being resentful and emotional you will look back on this season of life with deep regret in the future. You cannot control anyone other than yourself. Work on a heart of gratitude and look for the positive in your trainer’s feedback.

[Jealoushe]

Why are you so focused on this so called “friend”? Stop paying attention to her, and focus on yourself. You will be miles happier if you do this.