Don’t be insulted by this, but maybe you are not able to see that she is actually a better rider than you think, and your jealousy is clouding your judgment of yourself and your friend.
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Ahhh look, we all have those feelings from time to time. So first, stop feeling badly about having the feelings - they are feelings. Secondly, I know well the feeling of feeling like you’re somehow perceived as inferior - I ride mostly green horses and every once in a blue moon I get on a made horse and I even have to convince myself “hey, I CAN actually ride”.
Focus on yourself and Unya. Perhaps your trainer actually sees more talent in you, which is why he is harder on you. Sometimes trainers do that. Who knows. And sometimes what you perceive isn’t correct and you’re just not hearing how hard they are on other people…that happens too.
Just know that you’re not alone in your feelings - they happen, and dealing with them is about becoming determined to focus on yourself and your horse.
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Tip:
Grow up.
You’re just as crappy as the girl who brags if you can’t even be happy for someone you consider a friend to have success.
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Are you still in school? Do you have a counselor you can talk to? I think it would be VERY helpful to speak a an adult in some sort of therapeutic way. This is not necessarily horse-related problem. It is just showing itself in a horse setting. I wish you luck. Maybe look for a new barn for a change of scenery and start over. Just remember, it doesn’t matter how rich you are and how many brilliantly trained horses you can acquire. There will ALWAYS be someone else out there who has more money and better horses. It’s inevitable. The sooner you come to grips with that, the easier it is to accept where you are, and work your hardest to be the best YOU you can be, and the happier you will be. And remember, there has to be someone out there who is a good enough rider and trainer to make those big, beautiful horses. Strive to be that rider.
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In addition to what others have said -
You should cut back on social media/Instagram, since that seems to be fueling your jealousy.
I am now in my 60s. The people I was jealous of when I was a teenager- whose parents bought them fancy horses and paid for them to go to lots of shows - are mostly not riding at all. It is the kids who had to scrimp and save and beg their parents for a horse that are still riding and competing.
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You’re right, he is tough on me and I do enjoy him being tough but, and i know this sounds ridiculous, but I wish he would compliment me once in a while, you know? I mean, Unya can be a bit of a difficult horse and when I try my best and it works out and I complete my courses, even if they are small 1m courses, all I get is a ‘good job’. While if my friend finishes her 1.10 courses by being a disaster, her leg all over the place and pulling her mare, she gets praised because of her ‘amazing course’. I know its petty but I just want to get more validation, you know?
A gratitude journal? Never heard of it… But it sounds like a good idea. I’ll try it out. I’ve also been saving up to get Unya castrated, I think this might also resolve some of his issues but haven’t had the money to do so. He isn’t really a wild stallion but maybe if he gets castrated he’ll listen to me a bit more, except that where I live vets are super expensive… Also been thinking about maybe checking his back or something out once I have the money because he might be scared of jumping higher because of a problem he might have somewhere. Just wish here in Chile it were less expensive…
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All that you are saying is 100% right, maybe I should go to therapy or something. I just hate these feelings, hate that I my trainer won’t let me jump higher than 1m at most with Unya. I’ve only ever done a 1.20 course once and Unya panicked at almost every fence before my trainer told me to stop… I know I’m learning and my skills still need finessing but is it wrong to want more?
How do I find my own zone or how do I boost my own ego before becoming so cocky that I no longer listen to criticism and my riding goes down?
You’re right that jealousy gets me nothing but hurt and angry, I just wish those feeling would stop. I want to be able to concentrate on Unya but I can’t help looking at my friend and wondering why she deserves more when she doesn’t even care about riding as much as I do.
Its so hard to accept it, I know in my mind this is an expensive sport and if I want to move up then with my cheap horses I need to be able to hone my skills and become better but I sometimes envy people who have it easy. If I could I too would have an automatic horse, one who would let me just sit and look pretty. I also know i also have a lot of flaws in my riding, my hands can sometimes look funny, but I at least am TRYING to change, she isn’t which just fuels my anger and envy even more. Someone suggested changing barns or taking lessons after/before her, I’m thinking this might be a good idea…
I’ve never ridden a green horse so my respect to you, though I don’t know if Unya counts as green considering it looks like he knows nothing.
You’re right and thanks you, knowing others also have felt similar to this calms me a bit. I just need to learn to hone those feelings and instead use them to boost me forward instead of making me stuck
Sorry if I miss anyone, I fell asleep and coming back there were a lot of replies
Fair enough!
Maybe your trainer sees more $$$ to be made with the other girl, and sometimes that does happen.
Find yourself a trainer who makes you feel good, not feel like second fiddle.
Take a social media break for a few weeks too, it helps.
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I agree with Jealoushe. Sometimes some trainers feel they have to kiss-up to the money or else it will go elsewhere. Just happens.
I know its super petty but, do you see my frustration? I mean, if I rode Unya like that he’d refuse everything or take all the bars. Even pistol, my favorite boy, would not have a clean round if my leg was that loose.
Yeah, I think that that also might be it because he gets to ride the mare and in about three months he’s taking her to the grand prix (if all this coronavirus things go down).
He does make me feel good! I just wish I would get praised more… I mean, i don’t want a trainer that lets little things go by so that why I stay with the trainer I stay with but I would do anything to get half the praise and encouragement she gets.
I’ve been thinking and maybe I’m just jealous that she gets her parents full support always, they go to all her lessons, always get her the best saddles (She has a macel, A MACEL), she gets the best stirrups, any reins she wants, she never struggle to pay the pension while I do because I have to fight my parents to just give me half of it because the other half I cover it.
Yeah, I’m taking a break from social media after many of you have recommended it. Hopefully it’ll help me
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OMG that girl is the worst!!! You TOTALLY deserve that fancy mare!! But don’t worry, when you and Unya get to the Olympics and win the gold medal, that girl, her horrible parents and your stupid trainer will all be sorry!!!
Is that what you want to hear?
Sorry, I’m not going to soothe and pat here. OP (who is also definitely Bepau) needs a reality check.
You ask if you are a “horrible person”. I doubt that. But your behaviour here is horrible. You are posting pictures of someone esle, without their permission, to point out how terrible they are in conparison to you. She might not be identifiable, but that’s not the point – you are selectively posting pictures, without the person’s permission, to make them look bad. I’m sure you picked the worst picture of her and the best picture of you. Maybe she rides like that all the time – not the point. The point is – how would you feel if someone did this to you?? You know the first rule of not being a horrible person? TREAT OTHER PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED. Ye gods.
What other people have or don’t have is not in your control and none of your business.
No one ever added to their success by being bitter about what other people have.
What you have control over is your behaviour. Work hard, focus on yourself and not others.
Make a decision about your trainer in relation to YOU AND YOUR TRAINER - not how they behave towards someone else.
You know how to stop being envious? Decide that it’s petty, mean-spirited and small. Decided you won’t be that way. If you need therapy to explore WHY you feel so crappy about yourself that you need to feel envious of others (and run them down to a bunch of strangers), that would be a very good investment indeed.
You are not too young to give your head a shake and realize that you are extremely privileged compared to the vast majority of people on this planet. If you are consumed by envy to the point that you are crying about that and begging for validation from a bunch of strangers on the internet, maybe this realization is a good starting point for an attitude adjustment.
I truly do wish you luck. Looks like you have some talent in the saddle. Now you need an atttude that will allow you to do something with that talent.
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Most of us can make ourselves pretty miserable quickly if we focus on the negative. Work on focusing on the positive. If you can do that you will feel a whole lot better. See a therapist if you continue to feel miserable.
This post worries me as it looks like you are rushing for us to compliment you and trash your '“friend.”
I am not going to do that because that is going to feed your jealousy.
If you honestly feel you are the better rider by a huge mile, then you have nothing to envy in the other rider. All your jealousy is about her parents being wealthy and the coach bring easy on her.
If you are indeed such a better rider then you are in a different league and nothing she does has any bearing on you.
Anyhow as others have said you are in a sport where money buys huge advantages. If you don’t have as much money as other people around you, then you need to ride better, learn more, and be humble.
To be jumping and training at this level in Mexico or the USA means you must already be quite well financed relative to the rest of the population. Reading between the lines I’m seeing you as a fairly well off child who has had a lot handed to her that other children don’t get. Now suddenly you have to deal with seeing that the truly wealthy can have even more handed to them. From what I know about Mexico the truly wealthy are extremely wealthy compared to the average person, there is a huge economic disparity. People in the USA also experience this of course.
Anyhow you need to realize that your parents have already bought you many advantages compared to what the average child gets.
You and your “friend” are very alike in one major way.
Both of you are being bought an expensive experience and neither of you are really buckling down and learning how to ride your best. Neither of you really have a work ethic. Both of you think that buying more and more expensive horses will magically make you better riders.
In other words from the outside both you and your “friend” seem very similar. Both of you expect buying new horses and being praised by adults makes you better riders.
It doesn’t. Only you can make yourself better.
Consider the fact that you despise her because she is just another version of you. You are seeing your own worst character traits reflected in her. If you don’t like what you see change your own values and stop expecting everything to be handed to you on a platter.
I once watched a British documentary called “The Royals and Their Horses.” Princess Zara was interviewed at a time when she’d had to withdraw from the Olympic team that year because her horse was injured. It really struck me that you could be the niece of the Queen of England and still not have the right horse at the right time.
That I think is why the royals do love their horses: horses don’t flatter you, don’t praise you, and keep you humble. You could be the Queen and still have to realize the your horse behaves better for some mangy old groom than he does for you.
Anyhow you can buy horses but you can’t buy horsemanship.
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ohhh You’re in Chile. Around Santiago? You ride at a ‘club’ ? I understand! I’ve been there. I closely experienced the culture and saw some horse events. Altho it was a long time ago!
Yes you are limited. Limited by opportunities and limited by choices. And teenage girls there of a certain class strata …. I had a teenage sister-in-law, very very sheltered and spoiled. I witnessed her grossly immature behavior there. Those attitudes were straight out of her mouth.
I do understand your angst now. Your photos are very very good. Maybe we can persuade a few people here to give you a break and some support to carry you through a few years of this to get to some other side.
You can personal message me. I can help.
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I’m sorry OP, but you come off sounding extremely spoiled, petty, childish and boastful.
Comparing yourself to others is the thief of joy. There is always going to be someone who has more than you, and you will want what they have. There is also always going to be someone with much less than you who would give anything to have what you have.
I think you should be thankful that you are young, able bodied, have a nice horse and are able to enjoy riding and horse showing at all. There are thousands of little girls out there who cannot afford to ride a horse at all and dream of one day being able to go for a trail ride or take a riding lesson.
An attitude of gratefulness will result in you being much happier in your life, overall.
You should ride for you and for the love of the horse. It seems to me you have totally lost these as being your reasons for riding.
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I once watched a British documentary called “The Royals and Their Horses.” Princess Zara was interviewed at a time when she’d had to withdraw from the Olympic team that year because her horse was injured. It really struck me that you could be the niece of the Queen of England and still not have the right horse at the right time.
Nits
She isn’t a Princess. (Her parents declined titles for their children)
The Queen is her grandmother.
But your main point is right.
Really? I know quite a few girls with as much talent than the OP, who aren’t all over the internet whining about how life is unfair, posting pictures of the girls they envy in the hopes that we’ll agree that those other girls suck compared to them. If you want to support them, I’d be happy to send you their names.
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