Oh you are right on both counts!! Princess Anne is her mother and Anne is the Queen’s daughter. I was so much more interested in the fact Zara scored a pinto Thoroughbred!
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I’m not a disillusioned girl who thinks that I’m better than anyone or that I deserve anything more than what i have. I’m not an idiot and i am conscious that i have a problem, that’s why I’ve posted. I I knew I would have been misinterpeted then I wouldn’t have even created an account looking for help. If I knew that people would reply the way they’ve replied, accusing me of being someone I’m not (I’ve looked bepau up from the link someone posted on here, she’s from Mexico, I’m from chile. She has a gelding, I have a stallion, though it looks like we both have Mexican TBs. She’s also 19 and she’s been riding 3 years, i think thats what she said, While I’m 17 and I’ve been riding 6 years but i know there’s no way to make people think otherwise so that’s why I haven’t replied to anything referring to her. Not the first time I’ve gotten accused of that on a forum, a lot of girls who speak Spanish apparently write English similar but that’s not the point).
I’m extremely conscious of my problem, I know and I want to get better and many people have given me some good ideas, I’m definitely going to a therapist once I get enough money saved up, I know my parents won’t ever let me go but I can get money from side jobs. I know I need an attitude adjustment i just don’t know HOW, which is why I’m here. I’m not here to get compliments or to get people telling me I’m fine, i know I’m not fine, and you’re right, I shouldn’t have posted her, but i have no idea how to take down posts and it was wrong of me and if I could take it back I would
I am conscious that its petty, horrible, mean and extremely life ruining but I don’t know how to change it.
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Sorry for misidentifying you.
Ok, the first step to solving a problem is recognizing you have a problem. Good start. But you are loooking for a magic pill that doesn’t exist.
You change your behaviour by changing your behaviour. Simple as that. A therapist can help you with techinques. It will help your riding and the rest of your life.
Good luck.
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Not near santiago, I’m more towards the Argentina border, close to Mendoza. I’m not here for compliments, though they are appreciated, but I just need help and i regret posting those pictures now because, like someone above said, it as petty and very wrong of me. I don’t know what to do with these feelings and i absolutely hate them. I would go to therapy but I still have to get more money from side jobs to be able to afford it.
I want to be able to learn how to handle these feelings myself because if I can’t then in the future I’ll end up worse. I’m conscious of that.
Here’s a start: https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/40-simple-ways-practice-gratitude.html
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What this all boils down to is that there will ALWAYS be someone with more money than you, with a nicer horse than yours. It is irrelevant weather or not you think they deserve it, can ride it, or whatever. Do the best with what you have and remember that you living the dream to even own a horse at all.
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Ditto fargaloo re: gratitude. It can change your life. Only you can change your behavior and thought process. You’ve gotten some really good advice and support here but still keep saying “yeah, but how about this…or that?”. It doesn’t appear that you can change your circumstances, so I repeat, you are going to have to change you and your thought processes.
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wow. Really? right back at you.
What other cultures have you experienced? This girl became massively overwhelmed and she reached a point that she needed help. I hope you never volunteer for a reach-out hotline.
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If you are in a culture without easy access to therapy then you can go online and search resources in sports therapy and books on sports therapy. Getting some ideas of how to focus on your own performance and block out anxiety about everything else will help you overcome your feelings. Sports psychology will give you ways of thinking to ,replace your anxious jealousy.
It’s very hard to just eliminate thoughts. Because then what do you think and feel? You need to replace those thoughts with other thoughts.
I haven’t dealt with severe jealousy personally but I have over the years figured out how to replace other kinds of negative thoughts that were getting in the way of what I wanted to do. You need to replace the thought process not just eliminate it.
I think some sports psychology would be really useful.
I can imagine that you are in a world here where everyone else is participating in this materialistic approach to horses. You can’t change your environment but you can change yourself.
As far as your comment about the Spanish speaking girls sounding similar, what you have in common with the other poster is absolutely perfect fluent idiomatic English writing :). That means of course you will be able to access English language sports psychology resources which is wonderful.
I guess the other similarities are due to the situation where jumping is a very elite sport and dominated by the super wealthy. And so the horse culture caters to the super wealthy.
I am in Canada where we have fewer super wealthy people than the USA plus we share the British Pony Club DIY attitude where even wealthy children are expected to understand horsemanship and care.
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I’ve lived and worked in other cultures (including in South America), and actually do quite a lot of outreach/counselling. One thing I know is that you can’t help someone out of a bad headspace by reinforcing the toxic thinking that got them into that bad headspace. Your response focuses on the awful, spoiled people around the OP and her “limited opportunities”. Not helpful.
To her credit, the OP recognizes that the problem isn’t lack of opportunities or the “spoiled culture” around her, and recognizes that the change has to come from within. And I support her in that thinking.
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Yeahbutt you had to rip her first then come the long way around to getting behind her. Lucky she hung in there to speak it out to get her head to come back around clearer for her. She does have the language translation issue also.
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You are assuming a lot here. You don’t know what is in someone else’s head or heart.
There is no such thing as an even playing field in the horse world, so you can forget that idea.
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Yes, very good points.
The culture of envy and jealousy is certainly alive in North America at the grade school level. It doesn’t require being around the truly wealthy elite. If you are susceptible to that way of thinking you can work up jealousy over very minor things.
I would say that because girls are socialized to be so alert to social approval they are more susceptible to social anxiety, envy, and jealousy. And yet many girls do grow up to not have these attitudes.
I think it could be useful to think about this kind of crippling jealousy to be an expression of social anxiety. It might be useful to approach it in the way people try to get over irrational anxiety.
That could mean consciously reframing what you feel and think. What are the triggers for the feeling?
First, can you avoid nonessential exposure to things that magnify the triggers? In this case, stay off social media. If you want to play on your phone , look up educational resources that are helpful to you.
Second, analyze when and where this feeling happens IRL. Come up with other ways of thinking about things. Praise yourself for a good ride. Learn to ride with focus so you are not paying attention to railbirds. Smile and walk away from anyone who wants to engage you in conversation that exacerbated your feelings.
Third, don’t fish for compliments or brag in turn. But if you have a legitimate concern about your performance then ask your trainer for tips specific to your performance.
Sometimes you will have a rush of negative feelings and all you can do is just say “let it go. This is not who I really am. I choose to acknowledge this feeling and then I will let it go.” Deep breathing can help. Find a mental image of something positive like a good ride you had. Use that to block the negative feelings.
Realize also that your progress is completely independent from how any other student rides. She is not taking anything away from you. You are taking things away from yourself. If she evaporated tomorrow nothing would change in your life or riding. You are in your own path.
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Basically, if you absolutely cannot get past your jealousy mentally, then you need to distance yourself from the situation. Don’t follow her on FB or IG until your own self esteem is better. Try to take lessons privately or with someone else.
You could also TALK to your trainer about how you are feeling. Ask for ideas on what you really need to work on to get better. Honestly, it really doesn’t matter if you are a better rider than your “friend” or not, if she can afford all the ponies and you can’t, if you win everything or not. What is ACTUALLY important is your own horsemanship and sportsmanship. Work to be the best rider and all around horseman you can be. That includes recognizing that there will be people out there that can afford better horses than you, there will be people that get more attention than you regardless of skill level. There will be people better dressed, richer, smarter, prettier, etc etc. Becoming an adult is learning to get over that fact, and focus on yourself and your horse.
Continue what you’re doing by riding as many horses as you can. Work on the difficult ones. Ask for lunge lessons to get the absolute best independent seat you can. Take lessons in dressage. If your trainer isn’t helping you get better, find a more experienced one to continue pushing you. And don’t settle for one that praises you with no criticism. Learn more about horse fitness and slowly building up strength, that might help your horse be able to go higher. Do performance vet checks on your horse. Make a list of skills you and your horse have, and a list of things you want to work on. Not just things like “jump 1.20 course”, but if he goes better on one rein, likes to bulge out on his right shoulder, doesn’t always stay in front of your leg consistently, twists over jumps, etc.
There are sooooo many things you can do instead of let your jealousy consume you. Trust me, I know that well, I get to watch girls around here that have rich parents that can foot the bill for them to have fancy horses and NOT have to go to college and work to afford the horses. I get “stuck” with the unstarted backyard bred grade horses with crappy conformation that never can go above 2’6. But I love what I have been able to do, I have a real talent for picking out young horses that turn into wonderful lesson horses and packers. And if I am ever following someone on SM and realize that I am feeling more jealous than supportive, I immediately unfollow them and focus on myself until I am in a better place.
I know sometimes you just need to vent. That’s okay. But don’t let it become your entire world. Live your life, let others live theirs, and remember that what seems to be such a big deal right now will be absolutely unimportant in a few years.
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First of all, you are very brave to post on this forum, knowing that many would make negative comments. If you were really a bad person, you never would question yourself this way.
So, what you need are strategies to redirect your thoughts. This is sport psychology, meaning that anything that interrupts your FOCUS on your riding is detrimental to your success. Great athletes in any sport focus on what they need to do to improve, and don’t leave room for distracting thoughts.
Yes, this is hard. Even more challenging at your age.
But learning how to focus on what moves you forward is WORTH fighting for, not just for this situation, but in all of the future challenges in your life. The emotional wormhole you are going down is within YOUR control. The circumstances triggering your emotions are NOT.
read Jane Savoy’s “That Winning Feeling”
research other sports-related psychology techniques.
you are smart to address this now. Many people become perpetually unhappy adults because they never admit that they are feeling the way you do.
The fact is that the girl you envy is not the problem, which is a really good thing, since it’s not in your power to change her. And there will always me more like her… But you can change your mind.
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Your horse, because he’s not an “easy” horse, is MAKING YOU A BETTER RIDER!
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I can sympathize with feeling jealous of a friend you ride with, when I was in my teen years I was also rapped up in comparing myself to other riders my age. It is disheartening as a teenager to not have the same things as your peers, that being said; you need to learn to be happy with what you have. For me that took moving trainers and growing up quite a bit. I traded my H/J trainer for a dressage/jumper trainer who is much more low-key. I haven’t been to an A rated show in 4 years and have instead focused on other goals like starting my young horse, and improving my sitting canter seat. Now I’m in my early 20’s and although I do have moments of wishing I could have a lovely made jumper, I would never give up my current horses for one. I am incredibly grateful for everything my parents gave me when I was growing up. When you’re in your teens it’s hard to look at the world around you and understand the privileges you currently have.
This may be unpopular but if you want to resolve these feelings you should stop having lessons with your friend, or maybe even switch trainers, or take a break from lessons entirely.
You can wish your trainer would compliment you more but the truth is their not going to, either learn to live with it or switch trainers, simple as that.
I do think everyone needs to remember what it’s like being a teenager out on the A circuit, yes OP is being petty and jealous but these are common feelings as a teen. You will outgrow them. I’m glad you recognize that these are unhealthy feelings and are looking for a way to combat them. Remember comparison is a thief of joy.
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OP - something I learned the hard way, as a poor horse girl lucky enough to work in a Big Bucks Barn –
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Cherish your Unya. What you do not realize is that the tough horses give you the tools you need to become a better rider. No one learns how to ride well without some adversity.
I still remember one particularly awful lesson as a teen I had with a trainer on my own ‘Unya’ - a gelding named Spooky. He was extraordinarily talented, but he was so, so hard. The trainer pulled me aside after we failed to even do some basic exercises, and I was just about to cry out of frustration.
She said to me, 'Everything of great worth is found full of difficulties." I’ve never forgotten that, and she said that to me over two decades ago.
She said a few other things as well - those who have the means will always have an easier time than those like us, that have to make do with what we have. Such is life. The sooner we understand that, the better.
We all feel jealousy from time to time. How we handle it is what makes us good people. Do not let your jealousy cloud your judgment, harm others, or detract from the good you do have in life. When you find yourself feeling jealous of someone, focus on the positives, or remove yourself from the situation.
Distance yourself from your friend, see if you can take lessons on training horses – and, ask about working student positions if your passion/hobby is horses and competing. Your struggle[s] sound similar to mine as a teen (in terms of ‘interest/talent without the money’)-- my coach knew this, and put me with some top BNTs as their working student. I got the experiences of a life-time, rode some of the nicest horses I have ever ridden, and learned so much – all within budget and without sacrificing my passion for riding.
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The sooner you can learn to deal with this the better you will be for it. I know the struggles of lesser than the big bucks horse people but try and find joy in your own riding after all we are only competing against the version we were yesterday. If you don’t think the lessons with her are helping your own riding then by all means ask your trainer for separate lesson times or even private lessons to help you with your own horse. Look at this as a speed bump on the road to better things. I did not own my own horse until I was 21 and even then only got one good year of riding out of him before he became lame. Enjoy your horse love on him train hard with him and be glad.
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Hi AnnieCampy,
I lived in Chile (Santiago) 1957 to 1960, I was on the Northern fringes of the huge earthquake that destroyed Valdivia, for the big pre-shock I was in Chillan, for the big one I was in Talca (my parents turned around and we went at the safest top speed back up to Santiago). I have loved Chile since I got there at 6 years old and I still miss Chile at age 68.
I never had a “good horse” capable at winning at jumping, BUT because of all the less than perfect horses I owned I can solve the problems of some horses. I have Multiple Sclerosis, I am pretty well crippled, but my riding teacher has been using me (I ASKED her to use me) to rehabilitate ruined horses. If I had been given “perfect” horses from the start I would be completely helpless and hopeless when she puts me on these horses.
When in Santiago my parents took the family out to trail ride every week in the foothills of the Andes. I still remember those STEEP slopes. Just an idea, maybe it would be good for you and your horse to go out trail riding on steep slopes, it will get your horse’s hind end A LOT stronger and better able to jump without the wear and tear of landing from the jumps. It will improve his stamina also. This break from jumping might also improve his mood.
I admire that you can ride a stallion and keep control. This is a big challenge, you have to keep extra aware with a stallion so you can stop problems right away. There are a lot of riders who just cannot do this and for them riding a stallion is dangerous for themselves and other people. I ADMIRE YOU FOR BEING ABLE TO RIDE AND CONTROL A STALLION!!! In the long run it will make you a MUCH better rider than the ones you feel jealous about right now.
And I really, really, really like your lower leg in the pictures! I don’t think I ever had such a solid lower leg in my 50 years of riding.
It is natural to feel jealous of those who are given so much more. It is natural to feel hurt when they get all the praise and opportunities just because their family is wealthy. This does not make you a bad person, it just shows that you are a human being. I went through this a lot when I was a young adult. Then I went off on my own, bought weanlings and raised and trained them, including one stallion I “broke” to saddle (I could not afford Arabian fillies back then.) This gave me confidence, and when I finally got lessons again my riding teachers like how I deal with their horses and I get told I am a good rider in spite of my handicaps (I can’t jump any more and I am slowly trying to work my way back up to cantering so I cannot WOW my riding teachers.)
Keep on working with your wonderful horse. Everything you learn from riding him will be useful later on in your life with all the other horses you will ride.
You will likely grow out of this really uncomfortable overwhelming jealousy. Brain changes during the teenage years feel totally overwhelming and may continue for a while until you become a grown up–at least they did for me. I got through it, you can get through it.
I would be proud to have you for my daughter. You TRY to improve, and it looks like you are well on the road to succeeding at getting better.
Take care. You will make it.
Oh, your English is much better than my Spanish ever was. I am impressed!
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