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Green With Envy. I just can't help it. Tips?

Hunter/Jumper
#81

The first thing I noticed is that you’re having trouble identifying the reason behind doing the exercises with your horse. It sounds like you’re passionate about riding, and able and willing to work with a horse that requires more work and more finesse, and so the purpose of doing exercises in your lessons is going to be to learn critical thinking skills, how to evaluate whether your horse is progressing, whether he got what he was supposed to get out of the specific exercise, and when to push and do it again. It sounds like your friend is doing these exercises with her horse for literal exercise, to keep the horse fit, and to practice a few times before a show. It really sounds like you have different goals, you’re interested in learning how and why you do something, and she is interested in winning at a sport. Doesn’t make her a bad person, but you aren’t going to get anywhere by comparing what you do to what she does and holding her up as the standard that you need to meet. Developing your own standards and holding yourself to them is a skill, and is worth it if you want to break out of her shadow and work towards your own progress.

Secondly, the real question you’re asking is HOW to do that. There is a great book by Russ Harris called The Happiness Trap where he gives some great tools about how to determine your values, and how to approach thoughts and behaviors in a proactive way. He teaches something called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and has workbooks for sale that you can work through without having a therapist. There is an online mp3 from HealthJourneys by a woman named Belleruth Naperstak called “Self Esteem” that’s a guided imagery CD that I’ve found really helpful to listen to at night. A woman named Jane Pike has an online program called JoyRide that’s for developing mental confidence and courage and focus for equine sports performance. I hope that helps you get started, I think it’s very very helpful that you’re willing and able to notice and name these feelings, otherwise it’s really hard to find a solution or a way to work with something you don’t know you’re having. I do agree with a previous poster though, posting a friend’s pictures for critique online is crossing a major boundary.

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#82

If this is real, you’ve put a lot of identifying information (including pictures!) of your friend who you are trash talking up and down on this thread. How would you feel if she found your posts?

As many posters have echoed, someone will ALWAYS have more things, better things, an easier life. It’s just how the world works. If you don’t actually consider this girl a friend, distance yourself from her. There’s no rules that say you have to hang around people who you don’t enjoy spending time with.

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#83

Anytime you feel the heat of jealousy rise up in you, think about all of the little (and big!) girls around the world who are GREEN with ENVY at YOU for having a horse at all. Think of how hard so many people work in this world, how they dream and pray, but never even sit on a horse, much less own one, much less show, and win.

You have so much more than 80% of the population on this earth. You have it all.

Put on your big-girl breeches and stop degrading your horse and yourself.

Humble yourself with knowing you are so much more fortunate that most in this world. Be proud of your horse and your accomplishments.

Edited from a website: [INDENT]“Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee.”
-J.R. Ward[/INDENT]

"Truth be told, sometimes we have to let go of what’s killing us, even if it’s killing us to let go. And jealousy is one of these things we must let go, no matter how hard it is.

Because jealousy is a disease; love is a healthy condition. Excessive jealousy only says how much you dislike yourself. "

https://www.marcandangel.com/2014/10…eart/#more-703

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#84

Thank you to everyone who has posted on this thread… You guys have opened my eyes a lot. I know what I have to do know and the first thing would definitely be an attitude check, or more like an appointment with a therapist. I know my envy has gotten the best of me and, though I love Unya and appreciate everything he does for me and, even when he struggles or gets scared about something, he now has begun to understand that he can lean on me, my enjoyment of this sport has begun to get clouded by the bad feelings. I have saved up a few of the links and books some of you have sent/posted on here so I can give them a read later on and thank you all for your advice.

Sometimes my feelings overwhelm me and I do things i definitely regret, like posting the pictures above, and of course I still feel envy and I still wish my horse were easier, but at the same time I’m grateful for the bond I have with him because he is a bit difficult, he’s taught me horsemanship and has taught me when to understand my own limitations and accept help from my trainer.

So my plan will be to get a therapist (once I have the money), no more social media for a while until I can get my feelings sorted out, no more hanging out with my friend (who actually called me a bad rider today after Unya had a freak out moment, not his fault I thought the puddle or however you call it jump was simple and he panicked) because she is toxic and it only makes me even more toxic, I will also try to think more positive and maybe take a day off of riding during the week just to play liberty with Unya, no riding included… I don’t know if that sounds like a good plan?

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#85

Best way to stop feeling so envious is to concentrate on what good points your horse has rather than comparing your horse to hers. In addition, can you ride at a different time so you are not in the same lesson? Not riding in the same lesson will help distance you so you can hopefully stop comparing yourself to another.

1 Like
#86

@AnnieCampy

I know you will be avoiding social media, and that is fine.

Any time you want to communicate with another horsewoman feel free to send me a private message.

You are facing up to your problem, you asked for help, and now you are going to move ahead and get the help. You are doing well and a lot better than a lot of adults.

And you know something? It sounds to me like the other girl is really jealous of you and what you have accomplished, and I suspect that is why she is trying to tear you down.

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#87

Thank you, I saw your post earlier and your words really got through to me and made me a bit calmer. I just want to be good at this sport, want horses to trust me and I want to make my trainer proud of me, but I have to realize that the first thing I need to so is be proud of myself and my own work

1 Like
#88

No you are not a bad person, you are human and your emotions are valid. Being envious has no age limit, I’m 29 and still experience jealousy. I think “god if I had what these kids have maybe I could be doing prelim at 13 years old.” But I didn’t buy my first horse until I was 19 years old and I only had the money because I was in the military. I had been riding for 11 years by then and had been limited because I didn’t have my own horse. I feel behind for my age group. My trainer is about my age or just a little older. You don’t magically stop being envious at a certain age, you just get envious about different things. I’m sure my peers are envious about certain things that I have that they don’t. Like I have my own boarding facility, arena, truck and trailer, an upper level prospect as my horse.

Really what changes is our ability to utilize our envy. We can use it to work harder or we can let it eat us alive and become resentful. The wins that you get on your horse that you’ve started and brought along yourself are much sweeter than wins you get on a made horse. And that’s not to speak negatively to anyone that has the privilege of having made horses. I hope that later in my life I will have the financial means to purchase and bring along a purpose bred horse.

Don’t alienate your friend with the better horse, you may end up with it someday as a hand me down. I’ve seen it happen on more than one occasion! Don’t burn your bridges in the horse industry. Encourage your friend, even fake it til you make it, until one day you truly feel happy for your friend. Then you know you’ve made it.

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#89

Move barns. As far away as possible. Don’t show at the same shows as your friend. Keep your contact with your friend cordial but brief and infrequent, and don’t talk about horses.

Get as much distance as you can from the things your are finding it difficult not to obsess over. Some of your feelings may be somewhat biological. The tendency to over-obsess, to have trouble breaking focus, can actually be part of a genetically-based personality type.

Regardless of the inner cause, we tend to covet that which we constantly see. Expecting to break away by will power alone is not realistic if this pattern has existed for some time. It’s a bit like trying to stick to a strict diet while working in a chocolate factory.

If you find that without your friend and her horse(s) in your life, you are focusing, obsessing and jealous of another friend, another horse, then it would be a good idea to get professional help to get to the bottom of these feelings. There is help available to assist you with keeping the joy in your life with your horse.
:slight_smile:

By the way, if your friend told her inner truth, it might be that she is jealous of your riding skills. Perhaps she would say ‘I wish I could ride as well as she does. I have to keep buying one expensive easy horse after another to have a prayer of keeping up with her. She rides her Unya so effectively, and I know I couldn’t hope to ride Unya as well.’. :wink:

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#90

IDK and I stand to be corrected, but in post #1 Unya is a mexican TB gelding, but post #47 OP is ‘saving to have him castrated’? I guess I’m probing softly as I am trying to look at the issues from a younger person’s point of view (I did wonder about the OP early on but on reading through was persuaded to give the girl a break). Not saying I haven’t missed something.

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#91

Yeah, I thought gelding meant male horse and when I read through some other threads I realized my mistake… sorry, always thought gelding just meant that the horse was male since i always saw gelding on the forum and mare was female, while stallion was wild horse. I had to look up what castated horses were called and I found out it was gelding so sorry for my mistake.

Unya is a TB Stallion (which I have now found it is ‘entero’ in Spanish) while my friend has a mare. my trainer has started to insist more on castration to see if that way he’ll stop with s much personality but i have to save up

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#92

Thank you, I’ll try to consider it. i have never seen that people hand down horses… well you learn something every day.

#93

You have the better horse and he is giving you a better experience than your friend’s horse is giving her.
Now give Unya the best experience you can. Start to love him. And then ride like it.
Good luck. :slight_smile:

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#94

We all do.

This sounds like a great plan moving forward. Also, stop referring to this person as your friend. She is very obviously not. There’s more than just your envy going on is this whole situation, based on everything you keep saying. This person is a snob who treats you like dirt, and you do NOT need her in your life.

I’d also suggest seeing if you can find a new trainer.

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#95

Welcome to our forum.

First of all take a deep breath.

From now on you are going to take control of your thoughts.

Your mind needs training. For 24 hours take note of your thoughts - are they positive or negative. Just observe.

Your mind is like a garden. If it is fed with negative thoughts, it will think negative thoughts. Just think of watching the news and how much negativity is feeding your mind.

Now take control. You have the power and ability to think any thought you want. This is very powerful. This will change your life. Eg. If you think it is okay to kill someone, you will end up in jail. Your life has changed.

So think good thoughts. And most of all be kind. Use this power very wisely.

You can look in the mirror and recite affirmations. This means 10 times or more. You can recite them in bed. On the horse you can recite. Every day I now ride with my heels down and my thumbs up. The every day and the now are the most important for whatever you want to change it to.

Every day in every way I am now getting better and better and better.

You can make up your own. Surround yourself with positive people.

As for Unya. Again take a deep breath. Training horses is not about what they can do today. It is about what they do for you in the future. Don’t ask him to jump high. Bring the jumps down to 1m and look for good rounds that are easy. As he does that he will gain confidence. You will get confidence.

Don’t look at what riders are doing when they first buy a horse.

Look at what happens in a years time and 3 years time. In a year the horse stops being praised By year 3 it is referred to as stupid and they get another horse.

Don’t be like that. Be the kind that the horse gets better and better and you don’t want to sell because you love riding it in 3 years time.

and you can pick up cheap the stupid horse after 3 years and turn it into the lovely horse that you want to keep.

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#96

Ok, this story is evolving for me.

OP, you don’t have a friend. You have a “frenemy” which is a common thing in high school, someone in your social circle that acts like a friend but is really out to cut you down. It’s a form of mean girl bullying.

You need to put some space between you and this person. Perhaps if she says anything again you can very sincerely ask if she wants to get on and school your horse through the problem. And when she refuses you can just smile and rude away.

If this girl is undermining you in group lessons then switch to another lesson time.

”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹No real friend would say you were a bad rider because the horse was giving you trouble. This kind of comment is only intended to cut you down and make you doubt yourself.

Realize that you two are not friends and you need to stop letting her into your headspace if that makes sense.
”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹

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#97

Similarly friends don’t post pics of their friends on the internet for strangers to slag. That is definitely not someone I would want to be friends with at all.

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#98

Depending on the age of your horse, which if you are jumping as much as you say you are, and showing him, I would say that castrating him isn’t going to change THAT much of his personality. He may calm down some, but castrating later isn’t some miracle that will suddenly turn him into a puppy.

And honestly, if he is so hard to handle and is that much of a pain and hard to ride, you should really scale back on him and do a lot of flat work and dressage. Smaller gymnastics. Are there other barns in the area?

Another thing that has been mentioned, of course the trainer is appeasing his meal ticket. Unfortunately that’s how it works sometimes. Trainers kiss the asses of those who pay them more…

Darn, I missed the photos!

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#99

No matter how much praise your “friend” gets nothing gets taken away from you, your skills, and your horse.

”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹”‹Praise heaped on anyone else doesn’t change how good you are at doing the same thing. This is hard for children to understand, and seems to be one of those unwritten things that children are supposed to figure out on their own because no one ever actually explains it. Then it makes teen years even harder.

Your “friend” rides better than you want us to believe, but tearing her down won’t make you a better rider.

Forcing Unya to jump 1.20m before he is ready won’t make you a better rider. Your coach wisely stopped you when you completely failed to realize Unya wasn’t ready for 1.20m. That doesn’t make you a bad rider unless you choose to believe you’re just being held back for no reason.

I had a friend who had learned to ride much younger than me. She always had the mindset, which she shared freely, that she was a better rider than I was in every way from knowledge to actual horse handling. I assumed that she knew what I did and could handle anything I could until all the little incidents where she struggled got more pronounced and added up to the truth after each of us got our first horse.

We were friends outside of horses and I was able to forgive her need to feel superior to me, in large part because I was so enamored with my own horse. I quietly did my own thing and assigned her horse related advice the minimal weight it deserved.

Think about it - how does praise for your “friend” take anything away from you?

PS I audited a dressage clinic where one of the riders obviously just wanted the bragging rights of “I rode with so-and-so!” That rider refused to alter their own riding, position, aids, nothing and the clinician gave up and got them to do various movements to illustrate his informal lecture to the. auditors. I don’t think the rider noticed.

Perhaps your coach has given up on your “friend’s” flaws while he knows you are actively working to improve. Those little pearls of praise he drops for you are more valuable than you know.

My favorite dressage coach’s highest praise was “Super!” and I worked my butt off to earn that one little word. Once I rode someone else’s horse in a lesson and he very off handedly told the owner (knowing I could hear) “She knows what she’s doing. I don’t even need to be here.” That was higher praise for me than any number of " Super!"s he could have given.

You have some ideas for distancing yourself. I hope this has given you some ideas for different ways of thinking about things as well. :slight_smile: Good luck!!

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#100

@AnnieCampy happy to retract either and/or both of my previous queries/comments. Reading through most of the helpful and supportive comments, and trying to understand your perspective from an age-group and cultural perspective… I therefore hope that you’re able to take on board and utilize some of the excellent tips and options that have been given her. Good luck! (You are obviously NOT a “bad” person - just seeking perspective and understanding… I do wish you the best and go hug that horse!)

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