Felt this needed a quote for emphasis. So well put!
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Back when I was 11/12 years old, I rode in a barn where similar happened. I had a green OTTB I was working with. He was great, but in teaching him to jump, we got flack. The others girls in the barn would make fun of him, of me the whole nine. At the end of spring, my trainer took my stirrups away (as locked them in his office away) so I had to ride without stirrups. By mid summer, I was tears at how much harder he was on me than the others. He expected perfection from me. One day I was crying in the corner because I couldn’t take it anymore. My trainer’s wife caught me and came up. When I told her everything she said, “hold on” and ran to get her husband. I was scared. I figured I’d get the “there’s no crying in baseball” speech. What he said to me changed my life. He said, “l’m being harder on you because I know you can do better. You are destined for more than plodding the perfect pony your parents bought you. You want this. ALL of this. You’re the horseman, I’m going to treat you as such. Horseman are always looking to do better, be better and strive for better. It’s why you are here crying wanting to be better instead of quitting”.
I share this with you because, just maybe, your trainer recognizes that you WANT it and he sees something more in you than you see in yourself.
And for the record, my trainer was right. Out of our entire group of girls at the barn, I’m the only one who still really rides.
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I will share a story for you for a lesson with a good friend. Me on my horse, her on a new horse.
I hated that lesson as we were asked to do something. I would do it and then she would do it and get instruction that I didn’t. Like you I felt that the new horse was getting attention and we didnt get any.
My friend admitted to me that she also hated that lesson. She felt that we were asked to do something and we did it perfectly and she then did it wrong and had to do it again.
Which just goes to show how your thinking can be wrong.
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With horses and in life, there will always be someone that has more…money, beauty, friends, horses. Time to step back, take a breath and appreciate all that you have. There are many, many, many people who would love to have what you have.
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Oh, it can be so hard when you’re feeling antagonized by your peers who are supposed to be your friends. OP, some of this sounded very familiar to me. When I was a junior, I also was working my way up the ranks on a difficult TB (a redheaded mare, in my case) and had a friend who was more privileged financially. We were taking lessons together much of the time, and our friendship really deteriorated when I started doing the jumpers with my mare instead of the hunters, particularly when I started doing well. It even got to the point where her parents would join in on it in front of me. It’s been over a decade and I still remember what a crappy feeling it was.
But you know what, OP? It ended up being okay because someone very wise told me to focus on the journey, not on the destination. And instead of getting locked into those comparisons, I learned how to see the progress in my horse and in myself. It’s difficult to learn how to make it a competition with yourself (can I do this better than yesterday?) instead of with the other people in your environment, especially when they keep pushing it on you. But they don’t matter. None of that matters. What matters is that you’re improving yourself and your horse, and that you’re [mostly] having a good time doing it. Your personal journey is just that - YOURS - and no one’s words can take that accomplishment away from you. I never had the financial means that my friend did, and we don’t speak any more, but even the cruelest words from her can’t change that I had an unbelievably good time with my little TB mare for 14 years. And those tough days with Unya? They’re frustrating now, but some day, you’ll look back on them and laugh at how difficult he was and how far he’s come. Just the other day, my mom and I were laughing thinking about one of my mare’s infamous “redhead days” where she was raging about everything and my ride essentially turned into my apologizing to her for my very existence and calling it a day :lol:. In later years, when people thought she looked like an easy ride, it was because I’d learned how to work with her and how to let her be her best self. Them thinking she was easy was the biggest compliment to my negotiations with her (although it was hard for me to see that when I was a teenager)!
I love the idea of taking a day just to spend time with Unya. It’s a great way to bond with your horse and remember why you love this sport so much in the first place! Some of my favorite days with my mare weren’t when we were jumping huge courses, they were the days that we just had fun together, whether that was going for a trail ride, galloping out in a field, etc. Don’t be afraid to let yourself have fun along the way - it’s better for both of your mentalities. Be gentle with yourself and with him.
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Is it possible for you to change lessons? Maybe even take private lessons for a while?
You’ve been given some great advice in this thread already, but as a veteran of unhealthy peer competition/comparison when I was in my 20s, I know how discouraging and depressing this can be.
Being in a lesson where you can focus on your own journey and accomplishments for a while may make all the advice easier to take for a while.
I totally get that constantly being compared to the expensive, fancy, made horse gets really old.
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My “brother” RODE in the World Cup in 1986. He was on the team that won the Nations Cup in Argentina in 2012 (I believe). We have been close for over 50 years. When we talk about how we grew up one thing he always says, “We did NOT get good because we rode good horses. We got good because we rode pukes that we had to take from a pasture to the show ring.”
I never went to Europe. I never bought a horse for more than a few thousand dollars. Yet I have played with some of the best in the world. I have even placed against some of the best in the world, people who write definitive books on horses. I got there because I rode the hard horses. I learned how to see the best in a horse and take them beyond what anybody else believed they could do. I got here because I rode horses like yours.
In today’s world, the best known riders have lost the ability to take a raw, untrained horse and make them into something. they don’t have the time to that anymore. So, great horses are made by people we will never know, but are horsemen 1,000 times over any of the big names. Just because somebody wants to be the next “someone” doesn’t mean they are “something.” I’d rather be something.
Praise means little when it comes from people more focused on sucking up to monied clients. Validation comes from playing at the top of where you are and succeeding. IT is painful. It is slow. It is lonely.
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RAyers, I always love your posts. You are very wise and I always learn something. Please don’t call horses pukes from a pasture makes my heart hurt. I know that’s not really what you mean…maybe unschooled or uneducated or ??? Look at Snowman😉.
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That was a quote.
We call those salami horses :lol:
Or my Belgian farrier, frikandel
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Are you up in the mtns near Portillo? (oops can’t be that’s pretty barren and rds are switchbacks) I’ve been there. It is beautiful. (Breath taking in more than one way :lol: ) World cup skiing, Lindsey Vonn trains there, for the rest of you. Or are you in the mountain pass to the Venezuelan side of the Andes? or Los Andes? Did anyone look at a map to see where OP lives? Mendoza is in Argentina if you look to place her. Use the satellite view to see where the pass is. NE of Santiago. Find Mendoza then scroll west. Suggestion if you like world geography.
I’m not sure what degree of coaching, or if there are other choices, in the area of Chili where she lives. So maybe find another trainer is not an easy answer. Nor find a better trainer. Good instruction is hard to find even with choices in better locations, even here.
First thing I’d say to OP is that just jumping, or jumping higher, is not quality instruction. It’s learning how to flat ride to the fence. It’s learning to compress, balance and add, subtract the strides and straightness.
And of course as you all will point out location doesn’t have anything to do with envy, but it does heighten frustration.
I’m glad to see more encouragement here. Like all of you I has suspect going into this but pleased the young lady stuck it out and shared.
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Worry about yourself, your horse and your own riding. Work harder to get the exercises right sooner. You have no control over anyone buy yourself. Being jealous is natural, but it doesn’t do you any good. Nor does comparing yourself and your horse to other riders and their horses.
I’d like to also say if you want someone to talk to, please feel free to reach out in PM! (Goes for anyone really, gonna get bored with all this quarantine stuff)
We rode horses that some of them wanted us dead and tried hard to make it a reality. All were unbroke, yes. There is a reason he and I also discussed hip and back issues when we train together. ðŸ˜
These were horses off the ranch. Back then the jumpers were about pure power. Heavy rails so the fences were huge in order to have horses pull rails. I took a little mare 14.3hh from filed broke to winning in the 4’ (1.2 m) and such. And she buried me in the dirt plenty.
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RAyers, good for you w your little mare!!! Edited to add I did love that post - that’s what true horseman do- recognize that diamond in the rough and polish that rascal up! And, some are definitely tougher than others to polish up.
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You sound committed to your horse, and developing yourself to be the best rider you can be. That’s great, and should be your starting and ending point, to focus on. From my first show as a kid, seeing the expensive horses win and not the best or most talented rider, I was discouraged. 40 years later, guess what, the same thing happens. When I was starting as a young professional, my trainer gave me a talk. The reality is fancy horses do win with less talented or wealthier riders, trainers all too often cater to the monied clients to make a living themselves, etc. If you really want to play the game, eg. show, compete, etc, you keep doing what you need to do to be the best you can – mostly for the sake of any horse you ride. With luck and work, someday a really good horse will be yours. That’s a blessing, not an expectation.
Envy is normal, so you can stop beating yourself up about that. But don’t let it consume you. Keep focusing on you, and what you and you alone can do with your complicated horse. Appreciate the wins you have earned. Everything you learn from him will make it easier for you with the next horse, or the horse after that. You are young so it’s hard to see the long picture, but believe it anyway. Also, you may be the better rider than your friend, but it won’t make you feel better to feel superior ( to her skills ), thats just a mask for feeling hurt.
One other piece of advice, and something I wish I could do over. BELIEVE in yourself, what you do that is like no one else. Focus on that, not her or her horse. For too long I didn’t. This, above all, is what I believe held me back for too long. Believing in yourself and your vision of where you want to go, while still staying humble and learning as much as you can, is so important. As long as you focus on what the other girl has and what you don’t, ( there will always be another girl or guy btw) or even if your coach doesn’t support you or give you the opportunities or praise, you will be frustrated, angry and sad. That will hold you back from your dreams. And for now, cherish the time you have with your difficult horse, learn from him, and love him for what he is teaching you. You may not realize it now, but he is giving you a gift that will reach many years into your riding future.
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So much good advice here. I just have two small points:
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Your trainer will give a lot of praise to the wealthy client b/c that is their bread and butter. She will have more horses boarded, more horses in training, more fees for finding and trying out horses, etc., etc. Your trainer is sucking up to that family for the extra cash. I don’t even see this as 100% negative. Many professionals know you need a mix of clients including the cash cows who aren’t as talented or hard working but bring in a lot of revenue, and the more economical clients who pay for what they need and stretch for a few things they want, but are great for the barn b/c they work hard and get results, in this case wins. You are more in the 2nd group and that’s okay.
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If you feel comfortable with your coach, have a talk with him. I work in a notoriously tough field. The “bosses” can be brutal in expectations and criticism. There is a reputation for being downright mean that is changing slowly but is still there. But I will always remember a colleague (she was VERY good at our job) who finally approached a rather tough boss and said, “I do better with some positive feedback. I’m grateful for criticism that betters my work, but for motivation I also need occasional positive reinforcement.” That request was honoured and she changed her working relationship with that person.
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This thread seems to think that a cheap horse cannot beat an expensive horse.
I bought Pepper for $100.00 sight unseen. He was conformationally bad. Long necked, long backed, straight shouldered, herring gutted. I was a beginner again after riding at under 10 yo.
I LOVED him… We came last in everything as in those days you rode in your age group. I was 15 and 15 to 21 years old was the most competitive and experienced.
I grew up on Pepper’s back. We learned to jump first. We started having once a week dressage lessons. We started coming 5th in everything. 5th was white ribbons.
My instructor broke her leg and one lesson from this instructor and NOBODY went back to the first instructor.
She taught us so much. She taught us to communicate with our horses. I went to coming 3rd in everything. Guess what. A change was made and 3rd was now white. I still brought home white ribbons
I continued with this instructor, we cane first in everything. We won a one day event by 66 points.
One of the fathers, who agisted with us, pulled me aside. Had I just won?
Yes.
but how there are $5,000.00 horses in that competition and you are just on Pepper?
That took about 3 years.
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OP you have received some excellent advice so far. An earlier post talked about cognitive behaviour therapy and working on your thought patterns, with a counsellor if possible/needed. I would second that recommendation, and would also recommend acceptance and commitment therapy. It is a bit different from CBT in that instead of trying to change your thoughts, it is about accepting that having some negative thoughts is a normal part of life, but that we need to stop those thoughts from interfering with our values and actions. I would recommend the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. He does a fantastic job breaking down the concepts and giving you simple, practical exercises to work on. Take it slow. I read this book over the course of several months during a job promotion, and it really helped develop my mindset and how I handle anxiety and negative thinking in day to day life. I’m currently in the process of reading another one of his books, The Confidence Gap, and am enjoying it so far too. Learning how to recognize and process your thought patterns will take time, don’t rush it and really try to look at this as a lifelong process. You will never stop learning and developing, and the skills you learn how to work through this in regards to horses will end up helping you in all areas of your life over time.
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Also keep in mind that if you won the lottery today and bought a better horse than any of your “friends” could afford, then they’d all be just sure that you were winning because you were able to buy a better horse (or a better trainer, or more time, or more of everything that they couldn’t afford).
IOW, when someone wins with a better horse then everyone who has less success thinks, or wants to think, that if they had that horse they’d be the one winning. Sometimes that’s true, but many times it isn’t–as so many find out when they’re finally able to buy their own talented horse.
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This may have been said, I didn’t get through this whole thread, but why do you think the trainer has you riding his horses??? Because you can ride well, and he trusts you.
Stop comparing yourself to someone else. This is between you and you. And don’t feed into the “well I’m a better rider so that helps me feel better”. Maybe shes a better rider AND has some privilege. Having means isn’t her fault any more than not having the same means is yours.
You have to get over comparing, and the solution is not to put her down either to make yourself feel better.
Life is not fair, some have more, some have less.
I totally get the feeling. Acknowledge those feelings, thats healthy. Then take a moment to have gratitude for what you have. A great horse that teaches you a lot.
When you feel that green monster come up, try to find a way to compliment either yourself, your horse, or your friend. See what happens when you make an effort to change your thinking.
Riding should have camaraderie!
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