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Green With Envy. I just can't help it. Tips?

Hunter/Jumper
#121

I echo everyone’s comments, fight the urge to shortchange Unya.

Envy is difficult to turn off especially in the horse show world! It’s a wide demographic spectrum… there’s the working amateur who spends $400 on an OTTB, trains him for years, braids him, takes off days from work, gets to the show early to get him in the ring with the hope of having a spook-free round… all the way to the trust fund rider who gets to the show at 10am and is on her $100K horse by 10:15am. And everything in between! Some of our top riders were do-it-your-selfers growing up.

Enjoy your journey, you have Unya for a reason, not only to go through the training process but perhaps to go through the Envy process so you can overcome it. Resentment is the pill that is killing YOU slowly, not the object of your envy.

Thank you for your post. there’s many people out there dealing with this too. Hang in there!

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#122

I didn’t read the whole thread, so I don’t know if this has been mentioned yet, but do you think this is possibly why your trainer won’t let you jump higher than 1m?

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#123

Am I the only one who thinks this poster must also ride with the same trainer as the poster who has been riding for 3 years and keeps falling off over 1.3-1.4m jumps?

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#124

Apparently different countries.

#125

Ah, good catch. I saw a few context clues but read too fast!

#126

She announced her country as Chile at one point. I agree, many of us thought it was the same poster at first.

#127

Envy is a waste of time.
While what you are feeling is part of being human - I’m going to try an offer you an alternative perspective.

Your story is unique - and the person of whom you are jealous has her own story. You may be lucky and fortunate in ways that she is not.
Normally, no one can truly know what it is like to live another person’s life. If you knew EVERYTHING about the person of whom you were envious, you might well be glad you are not her and that you have what you have rather than what she
has.
You are meant to be who you are. Count your blessings - you may have more than she does in some ways - who knows?
Perhaps you have more love in your life - perhaps you are happier in your job or your relationships - the important thing
is to appreciate what you have. . . I know a lot of people who seemingly have more than I do, but I have learned I would not trade places with anyone. I was not destined to walk the path they are walking. I have my own - as you have your own.
Take a look at the riches you do have - and I hope that you can find peace.

2 Likes
#128

I know we can talk and respond, but for the best help- do you have videos or photos of you and your horse so that we can get the full picture?

#129

OMG you made my day

#130

To answer your question. No, you’re not a bad person for feeling how you do. We can’t always control our feelings but we can control what we do with them and how they affect our actions. The way I see it you are gaining more by having a horse that you’ve had to bring along yourself and training your trainers horses than sitting on a finished WB. Maybe you could sit down with your trainer privately and talk to her about it? Also it might help you to not have a group lesson with your friend. Switch to private lessons or riding more on your own so you can focus on you without your jealousy clouding your barn time (which should be your happy place). It might not feel like it at this point in your life, but what matters most is that you and your horse are happy; not how high you jump or how many competitions you win

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#131

So, I have come back with new things that have happened, some good and some really bad.

Since the whole corona virus things is going one well I haven’t been able to work but I have been investigating and have found a therapist that I saw has very good reviews and one of my friends talked to her own therapist and recommended him. I had a ‘test’ session with him online, through skype (I had no idea what skype was before) and I discovered apparently the issue is that I was never allowed to be good at something without someone in my family bringing me down or being better than me, which gave me a ‘narcisicitic’ personality disorder (sorry if i misspell) and that once I start working again I can have sessions with him regularly. About once a week so hopefully my issue will be resolved.

Recently my sister came back from her year abroad and we started to ride together again and slowly my envy has started to show up even worse but at least now I can understand when it happens or why. Every time she has gone riding she always say ‘oh, I’m already catching up to you’ in a snotty tone or saying things like shes better than me, when I would like for her to consider me an equal. She ALWAYS has to one up me, lying to make her look better or lying about things shes done with her mare… It makes me feel honestly like the worst rider and I start to get so angry and mad. I hate her attitude so much, I want us to be equal, to be able to cheer for each other without one being better than the other, but she’s always showing off, lying or getting mad at me for critiques when she critiques me ALL THE TIME. She insists she’s better, even after 8 months without riding, when she barely has any strength to trot properly. I tell her to take her time, that there is no rush and its better to go steady and safe that just try to throw herself into it but she just yells at me to shut up.

When she left she was better, yes, because I was still having problems with Unya and understanding him, but right now I would like to think we are the same, or at least I am like her when she had yet to leave, but she insists in two weeks she’ll recover and start jumping again and my envy just starts to grow more and more… So I need advice from you guys again please.

Also, a good news, my trainer has decided to ride Unya twice a week, we won’t be jumping for at least two weeks so that my trainer can make Unya a bit easier for me. We had an incident on Sunday during our practice course, which led me to crying and basically exploding and my envy getting to my head about my friend that owns the expensive mare, so it’s time Unya gets a bit of a firmer hand. Bad news, my sister tries to act better simply because I need a bit of help from our shared trainer, even though our trainer rode my sisters mare for two months when she first arrived.

Please help, your advice from last time really helped me so I need a bit of a push again.

#132

I am sorry that happened with your sister, but I am not that surprised. Is your sister riding a stallion? If she isn’t, or has never had to school a stallion she has absolutely no “authority” for criticizing your riding, none at all. I have trained a stallion from a yearling on, and broke him to saddle myself (I had it easy, an Arabian stallion), so please hear me, what you have done is quite IMPRESSIVE.

Family dynamics can be awful, I broke off all relations with my brother, many reasons, but one of them was his constant disrespect, snide comments, and pooh-poohing everything I said, even when I knew a lot more than he did about a subject. Since then my life has been much more pleasant. I know you may not have the freedom to cut her out of your life right now, but in several years you will be a full adult.

The only living things that have any validity criticizing you riding your stallion are: your horse, and your riding teacher. Ignore everyone else. Your horse is showing you where you need to work on your riding, and when your horse is happy with you as he obeys you he is giving you the best feedback, MUCH better feedback than envious relatives and “friends” who never even dared to be as brave as you are. The fact that you can control your stallion when riding with others, especially with mares, shows that you have learned how to control a challenging horse.

When I was younger a lot of my contemporaries at the stable looked down upon me, however at the same time they ENVIED me my horse, who was so pleasant and obedient. When I got my first horse (Anglo-Arab) he had just been gelded (at 5 years old) and only had three weeks of training under saddle, and my riding was at an elementary level (just trail riding), but I did all his training from then on. My horse obviously approved of me, most of the time my riding did not irritate him too much, and we improved together. I never could jump well (my Multiple Sclerosis was active back then, I just did not know it), but I managed to teach him to jump up to 106cm, mostly on my own just following the books on Forward Seat riding by Vladimir Littauer though I had occasional lessons. It took me a while, but I did it mostly on my own, just like I trained three young horses to saddle without any help from an experienced horse person.

I am glad you found a counselor who seems like he can help you when you get another job. I also was never allowed to be good, my mother could ALWAYS find a way to tear me down, belittle me, tell me that essentially I was worthless, and there was always my brother who took his cue from her about how to treat me.

I survived, it was hard, but at age 68, crippled and all, my riding teachers consider me a good rider within the limits of my MS and will put me on horses who need to be reminded about how to obey a person. Calm persistence, not violence, is the way to go! And while my riding teachers do not always agree with me they do LISTEN to me and often add what I’ve shown them to teach their other students. I earned that by learning from my horses, studying the equitation books, trying this and that and keeping only what worked for the horses I ride, and by ignoring everyone who basically demanded that I abuse my horses.

I have ridden seriously for 50 years, and it has only been the last decade that I FINALLY got acknowledged as a decent rider. My horses looked really easy to ride, so everyone thought I could not ride, until they saw me on a really challenging horse.

With the COVID-19 pandemic a lot of the world is freaking out, with reason. Right now is probably not the best time to get any positive feedback on anything important to you, people are lashing out because they are in a state of fear.

It DOES get better as you get older and learn to ignore the people who get the biggest joy of their lives by trying to destroy your joy in your accomplishments. Dear lady, stallions ARE NOT EASY (a few exceptions, of course), and I, for one, AM impressed with what you have accomplished. No one ever is a perfect rider, all we lowly humans can do is the best we can while we try to learn how to get better.

Take care.

1 Like
#133

Life isn’t fair. There will always be people with more money, better connections. If you are going to dwell on it, you are setting yourself up to be unhappy. Thats in everything in life. Not just horses. As for dealing with snarky remarks from someone with a nice horse that can’t really ride, ignore them and just smile and say “I’m happy that my horse has really taught me to ride, rather than just be a passenger”.

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#134

Or dont say anything nasty to anyone who says something snarky to you? It really won’t make you feel better to stoop.

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#135

I feel this sentiment, and it’s been a struggle for me to get to compete at higher heights, but tbh I’ve gotten a lot more joy out of training horses and then watching other people be successful with them than any personal competitive victory. I’d love to get back in the show ring at 1.20m+ again but I don’t feel owed or deprived of anything, I’ve gotten to do a lot in spite of not having an enormous budget, and it sounds like the OP has too. There’s so many other fun things about this sport besides jumping big jumps and winning ribbons. Just try to have fun. The fact that you’re so young and jumping these nice horses around at 1.30m at all sounds like people are looking out for you.

#136

Hang in there.
This feeling isn’t something that will vanish…it is something you PRACTICE improving, just like training a horse!
Maybe it will help you help yourself if you think of yourself as a horse with some anxious habits that don’t work so well for them, and it’s your job to help them practice better ways to cope.

situations will continue to crop up which trigger these feelings of defensive inadequacy.

Forming better ways to deal with TRIGGERS (like what your sister says) takes time. And you have to try different techniques to interrupt your reaction. There are some very legit ways to redirect your thoughts. While you are figuring out the origins of the problem, you could also ask your therapist for ways to redirect your attention when a trigger occurs. It could be something as simple as taking five deep mindful breaths before you speak.

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#137

Do you ride in mexico?

#138

She is in Chile, near Mendoza if I remember correctly.

#139

I know pushing the envy out is easier to say than do, and even as an adult I still get envious of people with better horses, better gear, better whatever. You can only control you. Horses teach us such humbleness because no matter how much practice and planning goes into something, it can all fall apart if the horse is having a bad day. I give you a lot of credit that you recognize the envy problem and want to fix it. The only person that can fix that is you. It doesn’t sound like your friend is being a very good friend, so maybe you should reconsider that relationship. Don’t keep toxic people in your life. If anything, just say you need some private space while you concentrate on you and your horse. Family is family. They sometimes say hurtful things. Sometimes it is intentional, sometimes they are trying to help. But they are people too and people do and say dumb things. We all do. The therapist can help you see things from a different perspective or offer useful advice. They can’t fix your feelings, but they can give you techniques you can use. Just like riding and improving those skills takes so much time, it is going to take time to reconfigure your brain and thought process to push out the negative thoughts. You will get there.

In the meantime, love Unya and work on what you two can do together. Forget about what other people are doing. At the end of the day, in the arena, the only thing that matters to you and Unya is you two. And sometimes we all have bad days. Heck, sometimes we have bad weeks and months. I can’t tell you how many times I humiliated myself from falling off, going off course, knocking rails from my bad steering. Looking back 20 years it doesn’t matter at all to me. All I really remember are the great times I had with my horse. I would take the worst day with him just to have him back. You don’t get life experience without living life, and everything you are feeling is just life experience. You recognizing it and wanting to address it because you know it isn’t healthy is such a huge milestone already. You’ll get there. It takes time like everything. You are doing self-improvement. More adults should do this so I commend you trying. That is all we can do each day is try to be a better human than we were the day before. Even if it is a tiny bit better. It is still something. And all those little tiny bits add up.

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#140

So, I’m a little late to the conversation, but I feel like I have something to add. I can’t completely relate to your situation, but I do know how easy it is to envy what someone else has.
I have been riding a 12 yr old mare who was trained early in her life to charge jumps and then gallop away. We have been slowly progressing, but we are still jumping tiny crossrails. Just a reminder to be thankful for being able to jump the height that you are at, which is pretty impressive.
I understand about the money situation, I can get discouraged sometimes when I see people that can go farther than me because of the money they have.
Your trainer sounds like he knows that you are the better rider, and so he’s going to be harder on you and push you to do better. If you remember that, you will want him to critique you because you know he’s making you a better rider.
I would try to avoid the parents as much as you can. They want their daughter to be the best, so they are going to try to push you down in order to lift her up.
It sounds like you’ve put a ton of work into your horse, and that’s something to be proud of. If you are jumping 1.20 meters and you win every class/show that is also something to be proud of, and people that try to put you down with their words know just how good you are.
It can be so frustrating to see others achieve so easily with money what you have worked hard for.
So what should you do?

  1. Write down everything horse related that you have, everything you’ve achieved, and/or been given.
  2. Realize that this difficult horse will make you better rider and that learning to work hard for what you want will set you up for success in other areas of life as well.
  3. Try to find, or listen to, the people in your life that will encourage you, have similar circumstances, and will tell the truth kindly.
  4. Don’t let what you think of yourself, or your confidence, be down because of some mistakes, or what other people tell you. People who don’t make mistakes aren’t real people.
  5. Try to be kind to the parents and your friend (I know it’s hard!) They may be purposefully being unkind, but realizing that what they say to you doesn’t affect you will help you move past their words.
    The bottom line:
    You know you can ride well, don’t let your “friend” be the obstacle that keeps you from moving forward. You have a choice:
  6. You can become obsessed with what your friend has that you don’t or
  7. You can ignore what they say and do and eventually you will realize that it doesn’t matter what they are doing or saying.
    Don’t try to be better than her. Instead, be the best you that you can be.
    Sorry, it’s a little long, but hopefully it will help.
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