Has anyone chosen euthanasia instead of colic surgery? Please help as I'm overwhelmed with guilt and regret

[WNT]

My condolences on your loss, and given the circumstances I would have done the same.

I haven’t had to officially make the call on my TB, but I have had boarding contracts that ask in the event of an emergency and I can’t be reached what to do. To be blunt, my primary decision maker is cost. I can afford his daily and annual upkeep and small emergencies, but I do not have the means for a possible $10k+ surgery. He is also upwards of 20, and uninsured. Part of me is grateful I’ve had to come to peace with the decision before the need has arisen.

[DancingArabian]

When I first bought my horse, who is my “heart horse”, I thought hands down I would absolutely throw money at any issue he had.

Now, I’m not so sure.

It has nothing to do with his value (which is pretty decent but that’s irrelevant since I won’t ever sell him), nor whether or not I could still ride after, nor even the cost. I have seen colic surgeries before and in the four horses that have had surgeries that I know of, 2 died within a year, 1 died within 4 and the other has a fairly lowered quality of life. Of the three that died, they were not peaceful deaths.

So in your situation, knowing that if he survived the surgery he only had a 50% chance of living a year, I would have also opted to let him go now. Peacefully. Rather than having him have an issue later on and die a really bad death, alone and in pain.

[Guilherme]

I’m sorry for your loss. One of the cruelties of life is that humans usually outlive their animals.

This is a situation I’ve not had to deal with but there are others where I’ve had to make the same choice (treat or euthanize). It was always difficult. But this decision is part and parcel of owning horses.

You did the best you could. You’re guilty of nothing. Don’t punish yourself for a wrong you didn’t do.

G.

[MysticOakRanch]

I’ve had several friends who have gone through colic surgery - and every. single. one colicked again. One horse was “reopened” while still in recovery at the vet due to a subsequent colic, then he colicked again 6 months later. Another has had 3 surgeries so far, and comes back more fragile, needing more care each time. And a third died during his 2nd surgery. All research shows once a horse has had colic surgery, they have a much higher incidence of subsequent surgery, and of course, death from colic. So just based on THAT, I would think long and hard about putting a horse through such a horrific surgery.

Then - your vet said your horse had odds of 50%? Those are not great odds. I put a horse through surgery (not colic) about 10 years ago that had a 2/3 chance of recovery, and the vet said he was surprised, that he wouldn’t have really recommended it with those “low” odds.

I think you did the right thing - your horse is no longer suffering. Now you need to do the right thing for yourself and find a way to deal with your grief… It is OK to look for help - a grief counselor for example?

[Sistersiouxz]

Dear Miss Buddy, You post brought me to tears. Most long time horse owners have had to make this decision. Maybe different circumstances but similar choices. 75% chance of a painfree life after colic surgery isn’t high enough odds for putting a horse through it. You made the right decision if only based on the percentage. Your veterinarian told you that percentage because he took into consideration the examination and lab results. When our pets and horses suffer, we suffer. It is extremely difficult to think as we normally would under emotional times. You mentioned God in your post so I am assuming you rely on Him. Perhaps it was He who was guiding you when you could not think clearly. When we call on him, He listens. Ps. 34:18. Time will ease your pain. You gave Buddy food and care for 17 years. He knew your love and if you felt his love, then he did his job. Animals are in our life such a short time. I think they are here to give love and show us how to love. If they do their job correctly, then we want to have that relationship again. So go out and enjoy your other horses. Pass on the love he gave you and you may once again find another heart horse.

[SharonA]

Miss Buddy… I am so sorry. Three weeks ago, I had to make this decision for Madame, who was more precious than stardust and diamonds, and my first horse. In her case, the colic came on out of the blue. At lunch she was fine, ate well, and by 10:30 pm it was all over. In hindsight, there had been alittle less poop in her paddock and she might have been looking slightly bloated for the past few days, but, it was only enough for me to ask myself, “Am I really seeing anything?” but not enough to raise any red flags, or even yellow flags. Madame was just shy of her 27th birthday, and had retired herself from work under saddle but otherwise was doing very well, enjoying long brisk hand-walks in the woods, etc. My vet sedated her, and recommended I go to the horse hospital for additional diagnostics and fluid management, though at that point I was still clear on “no surgery for a 27-yo!” Trip through the dark of night to the animal hospital. Nicest, most compassionate people in the world. Blood present on the belly tap, high lactate. Horse increasingly uncomfortable despite ongoing sedation (but she was a very affectionate drunk, which was kind of sweet. Also, you know how drunks can be very loud without realizing it? Yep. Madame was pretty zonked, but if I left her sight, she would lift her head and let loose with one piercing neigh that pretty much knocked all the ice off the roof.). Vet gently explained about 400 times that surgery was the only way to find out what was going on internally, though I knew they suspected a torsion from what I could hear of three vets clustered around Madame’s hind end with their arms up her bum to their shoulders. I was hearing every word the vet was saying about the options; I just wasn’t processing it. Vet stated that age itself was no longer a contraindication for surgery (not sure I quite agree, but anyway). I was actually considering surgery when, in a moment of rational thinking, I asked about recovery. Vet explained that after roughly one month of stall rest, horse could be hand-walked for five minutes per day, then, over the next few months, gradually increasing hand-walks. That was the tipping point. Madame hated to be stalled; it was the most humiliating insult unto her. She hated being stalled for biblical-event weather episodes of a few hours, never mind for months. I can still remember the feeling of literally my guts being ripped out as I said, “No. This decision is not going to get any easier. I don’t want surgery. It’s time to put her down.” I apologized to her for all my mistakes and thanked her for all the bucket list things we had done together. I was with her throughout the euthanasia, and witnessing the euthanasia was not as bad as making the decision was. The oddest thing was that I could still feel the weight of her feet in my hands – you know, from when you pick out their feet. To know her so well as to be able to physically feel her feet, but to see her now in a place where I couldn’t go, was just not computing at the time.

But. My greatest fear was that she might die one day from something I had done, like a trailering accident or poor judgement while riding her, or from something drawn out and painful like severe laminitis. Life only goes in one direction, so if this was the way it had to be, I know that all who loved her did the best they could. She had a good life, and now that it’s been a few weeks, I would not have done anything differently.

Miss Buddy, I would encourage that you say out loud to yourself, “I did the right thing.” We don’t have the choice to keep them alive forever; that’s not our universe. Our choice consists of choosing what is right for the horse when the end comes. I know it is hard to believe from someone else, but, I feel that the choice was very clear in your horse’s case, and you did the only responsible and loving thing.

It is okay to miss him and to believe you did the right thing – both at the same time. Putting him down means that you loved him more, not less. I’ll say it again: putting him down means that you loved him more, not less.

[lilitiger2]

Just chiming in to say how very sorry I am. In 2015 I lost my beloved Harley to colic and no, didn’t put him on the trailer for surgery either. He did not have good odds, although I was told that with enough drugs on board he’d probably make the trip to the vet. Didn’t do it but second guessed myself all over the place.

And THIS, to COTH, is where I got the best, warmest, most supportive help, so take these comments to heart! The people here, although we squabble about one issue or another, really, really get it. I’m including the link to my thread so you can read what people had to say about not going for surgery!

https://www.chronofhorse.com/forum/forum/discussion-forums/off-course/301666-just-euth-d-a-great-great-young-horse-due-to-colic

You absolutely did right by your boy, as agonizing as that is. I lost my old boy, my sweet Good Horse and felt like the Judas girl, but was kindly reminded here that in fact, he was saved from a looming, very unpleasant crisis. Your boy was lucky to have a friend like you watching out for him, willing to make the toughest call of all when it means sparing them. That’s what I want my guys (in and outdoors) to feel, that their lives are safe in my hands, even when it comes to making that shitty call.

You did good (but I’m so sorry)

[invinoveritas]

Do not blame yourself for his death. Horses just have so many feet of intestines that a lot of them die from colic. I give mine so many supplements to try to keep them going since I learned from childhood that colic is awful. Next horse make sure you don’t feed fine hay and make sure you give the horse psyllium often and give chia seeds daily. Feed only thick stemmed hay. He still might colic, but the more you do to keep gut motility and keep water going through him, the better your chances to have him not colic. Also keep up the worming despite what others say about fecal counting. (You can have worms and not have them show up in a random fecal count. My vet said that.)

My friend’s horse had emergency colic surgery for a twisted gut when the BO turned the horse out and let him roll when he was colicky from the bermuda hay she fed him. Middle of the night colic surgery at the vet’s where we rushed the horse, and he survived. He was lucky. Old boy and a good patient when we rehabbed him. It helped that he could have alfalfa hay, as he was a hard keeper. Easy keepers don’t do so well on alfalfa which has a diarrhetic effect to help keep the gut motile. . He made it through surgery while we sat there in the observation deck. He had two twists but his intestines had not died and he did not need to have part of his intestines removed. When intestines have to be cut out, the horse can get adhesions that can require further surgery or cause death. You have to have a great vet close to you and one with a surgery to make your chances of successful colic surgery good.

I’m sorry for the loss of your horse.

[Scribbler]

Giving an animal a good death is compassionate. Colic surgery is traumatic, expensive, risky and has a very long healing time. Unlike cats and dogs, horses do very poorly with abdominal surgery, which is why mares typically aren’t spayed.

You made the right choice. Have you had any grief counseling? It might not be something we think to do for animals, but it would probably help the guilt, loss, and anger. It sounds like your grief is affecting your human relationships too.

[Wayside]

FWIW, over the years I’ve opted to euthanize two of my horses rather than put them through colic surgery. Both were horses that I loved with all my heart, and had owned for more than 10 years. But it was more important to me to end their suffering than it was to keep them alive.

Some colic surgeries end well, but I’ve seen some that turned into prolonged agony for the horse - adhesions, multiple surgeries, gangrene, and ultimately death despite all that. And I just wasn’t willing to take that risk.

[OverandOnward]

So very sorry for what you are going through.

There is another thread from last year, I think, with many testimonials for not putting a horse through colic surgery, from people who did or knew of situations of colic surgery.

I’ve been through two major colic incidents. One, the surgery was done for a torsion colic on an 8 yo TB, no cutting of the gut was necessary. It was a great outcome. The horse was never really close to death, it just wasn’t the level of colic crisis as some.

But the second major colic, 10 days in ICU and a $6,500 bill, involved the small intestine and without massive, 24-hour vet intervention for several days he would not have survived. There were a couple of points where we discussed whether it was time to let him go, but the vet felt there was a good chance of saving him. The horse lived another 3 years but never really came back to what he was before. I ended up having to make the euthanasia decision after all.

Bringing that horse home from ICU seemed like a triumph at the time, and it took a year or so to realize he would not come back to the vigor and happiness that he had had before. His health had been relatively trouble-free before and afterwards it was one thing after another. Not just one thing, but several things at once - a typical week was that his tummy was unsettled and near colic again, plus he was limping due to something and he had a respiratory infection, all at the same time. He did have some good days but I am not sure it was ever enough to counterbalance his ongoing discomfort.

At the time of the colic crisis, during the severe small intestine part of the colic, his body was letting go of life. That was hard to accept because from a human perspective it was well before his time. He was only 14 yo and had been a strong performance horse with a positive approach to his life.

But I have since learned the hard way that sometimes it is better to go with nature’s path when a body is trying to die, and just let go. Even though modern medicine can intervene to reverse that path, there are times that the animal or human will not be returning to their pre-incident health, resilience and outlook on life. These extraordinary life-saving measures are not necessarily the best thing in every case, just because they are possible.

I am in the reverse regret as you, OP, if ‘regret’ is what it is. I don’t fault my decision to save him based on the situation as I understood it at the time. But had I known the future I would have let him go.

Next time I will say a very loving good-bye when nature says it’s time to go.

I think you made the right decision.

[findeight]

I like that…his body was ready to go, You can’t really fight that. Oh, maybe temporarily but nature is going to win sooner not later and the horse doesn’t understand, can’t sit on the couch with a remote knowing today hurts but tomorrow might get better. Horse just hurts. Then they don’t move around enough for circulation and digestion, don’t run and play, don’t stand ears up looking at the horizon. They just stand dejectedly in a corner because they hurt. Seen that too often in surgery survivors, just not the same horse.

I have “the letter” with both my vet clinic and BO for my 28 year old, nix on surgery. I make a decent living but couldn’t cover 10-15k+ with my working years drawing to a close even if I supported keeping them alive after its time to end it. I think some who are quick to sit back and judge have not faced that decision, maybe don’t even own let alone have that kind of money or available credit with any hope of paying it off.

OP did good to let him go, she didn’t make him go, he was ready.

[Foxtrot_s]

Dear OP - it is a horrible decision to make, feel you are playing God, but everyone here will stand by you because at times we have to do the right thing by our horses. It is Nature - we come and we have to. We have the right and privilege to help them on their way (wish it were easier for it to happen to us).

I have a note in my horse’s file at her vet’s office. To do what they can, barring surgery. This is written so I have a decision made in cold blood, not when I am emotional. If I am not around for any reason, he has his instructions. My family also knows how it is.

My reasons being, personal, thinking of my family and our financial pie, thinking that colic can re-occur, that the surgery is by no means certain to be successful, and to not want to put my horse through surgery and rehab.

[candyappy]

While I haven’t been in your situation, I can’t afford colic surgery on either of my mares if something should happen. I am sorry you are struggling so and I applaud your choice to end his suffering instead of choosing a surgery that could have made his time here and his end so much worse.

I hope and pray you find peace and healing. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You chose the kindest option for your beloved horse.

[Victorious]

I am so sorry for your loss, Miss Buddy. Your story has choked me up, and probably every other owner on here who has been through it. When we sign up to be these creatures stewards, I’m not sure we always realize how tough some decisions will be. But I know you would never change the time you had with Buddy just to avoid making tough calls. I think you 100% made the right call. He was your charge and you made the hardest decision. Please stop berating yourself and instead focus on all the amazing memories you have with him. How lucky you were to have a heart horse! And he was so loved! You made his passing as smooth and gentle as you possibly could and what is a greater kindness than that?

[oldernewbie]

I am presenting the following in the hope that maybe the scientific viewpoint might be as helpful to you as all the lovely posts above. Equus had an article about colic surgery recently. There were many positive statistics presented in terms of survival rates recently compared to survival rates in the past. BUT - and this was the very important takeaway for me - they still aren’t great and the complications still occur probably at a higher rate than all of us would prefer.

While I know my horse is not a surgical candidate for a number of reasons, if I were on the fence, that article would have convinced me that surgery was not an option for him. Maybe if he were a super valuable broodmare or show horse or stallion - maybe. Otherwise I just would not take the risk that my horse would have to suffer an uncertain and painful future.

And of course, there is the $$ issue, but that is just secondary to the pain and suffering of the horse.

As others have said, you made the right decision. Please don’t second guess yourself. It’s a big decision, a momentous decision. But you made the right choice.

Short term counseling with someone who specializes in grief issues or some conversations with your religious leader if you have one can really be helpful.

Big hugs from everyone in your COTH family.

[2tempe]

OP - I’ve done two surgeries on a mare - she was to be my fancy dressage horse when I bought her. two years later, large colon displacement that could not be remedied medically. “Simple” by colic surgery standards, no resection. Eight months later, another displacement, to the other side. I labored briefly over this decision and went ahead. Same thing, no other issues besides the displacement. Nine months after that anterior enteritis - I told local vet that she would not go to clinic. If fixable at barn, fine. Three days later life was back under control, but not w/out a big bill. In hindsight, I wish sometimes I had made a different decision after first surgery. She has never come back as before, and its been an emotional rollercoaster.

[JB]

First, I’m so, so sorry you had to do that

Next, and finally, please don’t beat yourself up. Almost 13 years ago I ended up with the real JB on the table at NSCU. They discovered 8-9’ of large intestine was dead due to a strangulating lipoma, same as yours. He was 20 at the time. They guessimated about a 20% chance of a quality of life after a resection of that sort, at his age. I opted to have him PTS right there on the table If he’d have been 10 I wouldn’t have blinked - would have said go for it. Even at 15 I might done the surgery, and at 15 maybe his chances of good life after might have been better than 20%.

But at 20, to deal with a recovery like that, with a good chance of adhesions and other complications and potentially a really long time of a diet he didn’t really like (ie probably no hay or grass for a long time), I couldn’t do that to him.

Your vet said 50% chance of living a year. That doesn’t mean it would be a qualify of life, and let me tell you, recovering from a resection is not what a horse would consider quality living. Not only would you have to deal with the normal potential post-surgery complications, there are all sorts of issues that can crop up related to the resection.

You definitely did not fail him. He never had any concept of the future in that context. A resection is not to be taken lightly. There’s little value in having an animal alive if it takes work to keep him alive. Please trust that Buddy is or was in no way sad, betrayed, or confused. He simply could not feel those things in that situation.

All he COULD feel is knowing you would help take the pain away, and you did that. He had no concept that would mean there was nothing after that.

I had JB for 15 years and he taught me immensely important things about horses, about being a horsewoman, and more. I totally felt some guilt for not doing the surgery for a few weeks - what IF he’d been one of the 20%, what IF things had been the sunny day scenario in his recovery and return to a normal life, what IF.

But the odds were really not in his favor, not for an uneventful recover, not for a long happy life, and once I came to grips with that, really evaluated it, I knew I’d feel even more guilt if I had “saved” him just to consign him to future colics from adhesions or the wrong food or all the things that could have caused him trouble.

At 20, with all he’d done for me, given me, he’d been and done enough, and that became enough to be ok with my decision.

I still miss him a LOT, crying right now remembering that decision and those days. But mostly I remember all the fun, and have enjoyed, very much, his occasional visits in my dreams

I hope you can get to that place too. You are not alone, you did not make the wrong decision. I promise

[asterix]

I hope you can absorb what everyone is saying. You did not make the wrong decision. So many, many, many of us have stood in your shoes, and yes, we loved them every bit as much as you loved him. We get it.

I haven’t ever had a colic but I lost my most beloved partner after a serious injury put him in the hospital. It was an injury which generally heals given treatment and time, and we gave him 200% of what he needed. In the end it didn’t heal as it was supposed to and I lost him on recovery from surgery to repair what wasn’t healing. Long story short - there is NO way I could have known he would not recover. But how I wish I knew that the day he got hurt. I would have put him down then and there.

Heartbreak feels the same no matter how much time you have to think about it. But guilt will poison you. I hope you can find some help to put it behind you.

Please come back to us if you need more help. We do know how hard this is.

[Pocket_Pony]

I’m so sorry for your loss. Please do not beat yourself up. Please forgive yourself. Please know that you made the right decision.

I have opted for euthanasia as the horse was old (mid-30s) and certainly not a candidate for surgery. I think the surgery and recovery are very hard on them and surgery is no guarantee of survival.

Hugs to you.