I lost an exceptional horse to strangulating lipoma in 2008. I will not do major surgery to horses. That is a hard line I drew many years ago and refuse to step over.
I have also also come to realize, in aging myself, that everything has a time and a place, and we are all leaving. I also now realize there are many things we cannot fix.
I am sorry for your loss and understand your pain all too well. Please know you did absolutely nothing wrong.
I am sorry for your loss. I went through something similar just a year ago with my mare. My husband found her down and in extreme pain when he went to feed at 5 am. The vet was out within maybe twenty minutes and sedated her and gave her IV meds for the pain. An ultrasound showed a mass in her small intestines and we had the discussion about surgery. I was told the outcome would probably be poor due to her age and the probable location of the mass but that it was an option. She was blowing through the pain meds every few minutes and in such agony I couldnāt even begin to see how we could safely trailer her so we made the decision to have her PTS. The whole ordeal was done by 7:30 and left me shaken. I have lost horses before but this time, like you, I second guessed myself and felt like I let her down. I KNOW that I did the right thing, but it happened so damned fast that there was a little part of me that wondered if I thought it through completely.
I think what you are feeling is normal. And I think you did the right thing for your horse. I hope that time will heal and erase some of the memories of that day for you.
Sending you some hugs. It is hard, I know. But you did right by your horse.
I am so sorry for your loss and anguish.
IMHO you made the absolutely correct choice.
Years ago, before cell phones made it easy to reach anyone anytime, my vet wanted a written statement from me with respect to how far I would go with each one of my horses. She kept it in her files, there in the event that one was clicking or badly injured and she couldnāt reach me. It was helpful to think about this not in the emotional moment and is something Iād advise everyone to doānot necessarily write it down, but think about it.
Both the retirement place I have one horse and the rehab facility I had another have something in the contract where you make a choice of colic surgery or not for the horse. In both of those cases the answer was no. For the retired horse bc of what others have written. The rehab horse had managed to re-injure himself while rehabbing from an injury, was only five when he went there, and didnāt have a super prognosis. With the re-hab horse he did make it back into work, for about 7-8 months before becoming injured again: there was cervical stenosis amongst other issues and I euthanized him right after his seventh birthday. The retiree is still happily living in the Central Coast wine country.
I had to make that very same decision almost 5 yrs. ago with my 27y/o TB gelding. My answer is a resounding YES. I adored both my TBās & had to make the heart wrenching decision to put both down just 10 months apart. Tig my gelding was suffering terribly from colic & I absolutely could not do that to him at 27 (ship him to a University for surgery). My Vet said he probably would never have made it anyway. Iāve been a Registered Nurse for 38 yrs. & my colleges & I frequently lament that when & if we are suffering with no quality of life or chance of surviving that we wish euthanasia would be an option for us. I feel it is a HUGE act of love to allow any living creature that is loved to pass on & no longer be in misery.
I am so sorry for your loss & hope you can come to terms with your very LOVING decision.
OP, I also wanted to add that lipomas are more common than you think, and in older geldings, they are a not insignificant factor on colics and deaths due to strangulation. There were not 1 but 2 horses where I boarded for years who died as a result - both older gelding, as was mine, as was yours. They suck, because you donāt, and CANāT know they are there, until the horse is opened up.
And thereās not a damned thing you can do about them.
Itās not a factor of being overweight - none of the 3 horses I personally in the flesh knew were ever overweight. Itās something that affects geldings much more than mares, and increases as they get older.
They. Suck.
I chose euthanasia because my horse was 25 and surgery is extremely expensive with no guarantees except, at best, a long, painful recovery for the horse. My vet said I made a good decision because she knew of only one 25 yo horse that had survived colic surgery. Stop beating yourself up. You saved your friend unnecessary pain.
OP, I am so sorry! Take money out of the equation. I think your vet was overly optimistic at a 50% survival. That scenario sounded like 10% tops. So even if you made the decision to do surgery, I think it would not have ended well. You made the most humane decision.
Iām so sorry for your loss. I made the opposite choice, opting for colic surgery for my aged, beloved horse; five years later, I still regret that decision. My horse did not have to be resected, but he still died six weeks later. Or rather, I chose to euthanize six weeks later when we were unable to resolve a subsequent colic at home. My poor horse was miserable during the six weeks after the surgery: he likely had a lot of adhesions, which kept tearing and causing pain. At the end of it all, it had been six weeks of stress and worry, misery for the horse, and about $15k out of my pocket, with nothing to show for it. It is not something I would do again. The decision to euthanize is one of the hardest decisions to make, but it is usually also the kindest. You will slowly but surely feel better over time, and know that making the opposite choice may have ended with the same result. We donāt have a crystal ball: we just have to make the best choices we can with the information we have at the time. Hang in there.
I have neither done colic surgery on my own horse nor euthanized due to colic, BUT I work as a tech and Iāve spent a lot of time watching post op colics. It is HARD on them, and itās difficult to predict how they will recover. Iāve seen some surgeries that go great and the horse is out the door in a week, and some that they might opt to not resect the first time and have to go back in a few days later. You might end up with a healthy horse that never colics again, or you might end up spending $25k to have to euthanize anyways after an additional 2 weeks of living in pain, or they break a leg getting up from anesthesia, or or orā¦ Strangulating lipomas have nothing to do with management, theyāre just a freak thing that happens to some horses. Iām sure you did right by your horse taking care of him through his entire life. It sounds like both your instincts and your surgeonās recommendations were to euthanize vs operate, and for a surgery like that you need to be 110% confident and mentally/financially committed to what could be a very long and expensive recovery/rehab. There is no right decision, but it sounds like you made the one that had your horseās best interests at heart. Iām sorry for your loss.
Iām so sorry for your loss and the feelings of regret you may be experiencing. OP I havenāt had to euthanize a horse due to colic, but did so after a pasture accident where ribs were fractured and a lung was punctured. I donāt regret my decision because I acted out of love and my horseās best interest. It sounds like you did so as well. There is no need to second guess or think about āwhat ifāsāā¦at that moment you did the most unselfish thing to end the suffering of your equine friend. As humans we have the ability to prolong our pets lives because of our own selfish need to prevent our own suffering from their loss. You did right by your horse! Instead of regrets, remember the good times you had together.
OP, I hope you can turn your thoughts and realize that you actually gave your horse a great blessing. Once of the kindest and most important things we can do for our animals in situations such as the one you and your horse were in is a quick and easy way out. You saved him much suffering and fear. You are a hero for being strong enough to make that decision, separately from your husbandās wishes, in the best interests of your much-loved horse. {{{big hugs}}}
Honestly, I canāt emphasise how grateful I feel to have received so many kind and supportive responses. I have read each response and some have brought me to tears as the words are so kind.
I am so thankful to have access to so many experienced and compassionate horse people. This forum has been the most helpful environment for me. Itās a relief not to have people pressure me to accept it and let it go, move on etc. Thank you all so much.
And yes, I am seeing a counsellor for support in getting through this. I think it will be a long road ahead but your responses have helped me to realise that I can work toward seeing the situation from a different perspective rather than being consumed by the same cycle of āwhat ifā thoughts.
Thank you to those who sent kind messages. They were each very meaningful. I have been asking God to help me and tell me if I made the right decision. I feel like this is part of my prayer being heard. Itās especially helpful to receive opinions from people I donāt know because it eliminates my concerns about people telling me what I want to hear. I would be doshonest if I said that I was well on my way to finding peace but I can definitely say that I know that each time I re-read your posts, I move closer to finding away to work toward reducing the anguish Iām feeling. Reading all your posts actually helps me to pause the relentless āwhat ifsā and āwhat have I doneā thoughts are literally spinning out of control in my mind, which is what Iāve been struggling to do since the beginning. So thank you so much.
To those who have lost horses to colic or other illnesses/injuries - Iām truly sorry. A few people have said to me that when we euthanise an animal to relieve them of their suffering, we take on their pain and transfer their pain onto us, which is our final gift of love to them. How true that is.
Thank you all once again. Iām sure most of you donāt realise how influential and healing your words are. I will always be grateful for having found this forum.
You did a great thing by ending your boys suffering as hard as it is to do. I lost one of mine late fall 2016 unexpected and sudden. Horse was only 3 years old i still cry and miss him terribly heās was laid to rest out in the pasture. I go visit the grave site often, i wonāt go into the details of what happened.
Sorry your going through this ((Hugs))
Not to colic, but I had to make the decision for our boy too. It is so very hard, but I do believe they let you know. Mine had such bad cervical arthritis that we were afraid he would fall, hurt himself and his handlers. I debated for a long time (itās not that bad, we know how to handle him, etc.) until I saw the worry in his eyes (as if he was saying āwhat is happening to me?ā). Right then, I made the decisionā¦ for him, for my BO (I did not want her or her husband getting hurt even though they were so supportive of trying) and for my daughter and myself. My stress was unbelievable. The vet was so very compassionate. We stayed with him until the last 30 seconds (I did not want to remember him dropping, but my BO stayed with him). I miss him so much. He was a puppy dog really, but I know we made the right decision at the right time.
Mine was not in pain. If he had been, I would have acted much sooner. So you did the right thing. I could not have justified spending the money either. He was 22.
IMHO, that is the first step in healing 
Itās natural to design 16,839,238 versions of the situation and wonder what each would have looked like, and kick yourself while youāre down every time you play out one of them that has a happy ending. For some reason we donāt find relief in the scenarios that donāt end well, when weāre doing this, because they arenāt self-serving, and in this phase, we just look for validation for why we feel so bad 
So anything that can help cut that film strip and stop it from playing is good, because that allows the healing process to start and continue.
It will take you as long as it takes you. One thing Iāve learned in the last few years is to purposefully detach myself from the grief (or really any strong emotion, sad OR happy) and take a peek at it from an objective, clinical perspective, even if for just a few seconds at a time. It brings a fascination to the situation, and for me, makes me realize itās really ok to feel like that, that the less I fight it and just BE, the sooner I can get through it.
{{{hugs}}} I hope even just starting this thread has helped you, even outside of the replies
Sorry for your loss and guilt, do not feel guilty. As you can see youāre with good company on your decision.
I have to say, I am amazed by all the wonderful responses, it wouldnāt be an easy question to post, and wouldnāt be an easy decision. Many of us do not have the wallet for Colic surgery. Glad to see many are in the same situations as some of us.
Hugs to you MissBuddyā¦ You made the absolute right decision. If I were in your shoes I would have made the same decisionā¦ Many times the right decision is the hardest one. Try not to beat yourself up. You did right by your horse, and thatās what counts.
Running a large boarding stable, for over 35 years, we had exactly ONE person opt for surgery on a colic. Most did recover without surgery. The ONE we still lost a week later, with a $20,000. bill. The farm had a lot of owners that definitely could afford surgery, but they also had the knowledge that about 50% of horses either do not survive the surgery, or die within a year due to adhesions. We did save 2 that were twisted, using āpoor manās surgeryā. We allowed one to thrash and flip, back and forth, and he un-twisted himself. The other, we purposely rolled over, and that was what it took to untwist him. That one was about 30 at the time, and lived another few years. I will never choose Colic surgery. The odds are just too great against success.
Fortunately we do not have much colic at our barn. There have been 2 surgeries, one by the new owners of a 20 y.o. mare who survived, and the other by the BO of a youngish broodmare who didnāt make it after substantial efforts by both the hospital and the BO once the mare came home. BO will probably not do that again. She is one who will put an old horse down in the fall if it looks like the coming winter will be too much. Itās hard to do, but as they say, better a little too early than a minute late. They pass with dignity and are buried with their friends out on the edge of the hayfield. I dread the day, like all of us, that I have to make that decision for my 23 y.o. gelding who Iāve had since 2001.
One thing that made me decide years ago that I wouldnāt do surgery for colic was how I felt after they woke me up from major orthopedic surgery. I knew what was going on, but that didnāt make the aftermath any easier to tolerate. I couldnāt ask my horse to do that.
Who remembers the great racing mare Ruffian from the mid-70s? She broke down during a widely anticipated match race and they did surgery, which apparently was effective from a medical standpoint. But she awoke thrashing and having an awful time and there was nothing, at that time, that they could do to help her. So she was euthanized.
You did the right thing. Thatās what is important.
If nothing else, these responses will hopefully help you feel that you are not alone! We all do the best we can when itās a most difficult time.
The horse before my current one, I wish I had not chosen the surgery for him. He came through that okay but never really recovered even though the vet felt that he should recover just fine. He never even came home from the hospital. Iāll never unsee him at the end. I wish I had just let him go where he was happy at his barn.
The current horse is now 20, doesnāt really love his job and I canāt seem to find one he likes outside of being a āpetā - so thatās his job. He wonāt get surgery as his idea of being a pet is not sitting in a stall but hanging out with his 2 legged friends and doing tricks to amaze everyone (not really but he thinks heās pretty clever).
Anyway, no one who has loved a horse dearly will ever judge you for your decision - I hope you can heal a little bit more each day and find your happy again.
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