I did the colic surgery twice, for a beloved old mare. She had given me 5 foals and I thought I owed her that chance. Her last colic episode was 18 days after delivering a lovely hunter mare that I will forever cherish. Yes I was paying that credit card bill for almost 6 years afterwards. She unfortunately had to be euthanized just 10 days after the last colic surgery due to a ruptured cecum. I don’t regret a day that I made the decision for surgery. I simply could not live with myself not giving herself the chance to live. Yes, it was extremely expensive and in the end a futile effort but I don’t regret it all all. I paid the bills off eventually and can sleep at night knowing that I (and my Vet team) tried their very best. I was given a 60 % chance of recovery the second time around. I was OK with that. And I knew that when the time came she would not be subjected to any additional pain and end her life peacefully. Which she did. But I don’t begrudge the folk that don’t have $10,000.00 plus to spend (or borrow) to do the surgery. I get that too.
Hugs to you…this decision is SO hard!!!
Colic surgery is not something to be taken lightly - especially with a SI lesion. A bloody abdominal tap and high lactate worsen the prognosis. Then if you had proceeded to surgery, you have increased risk of anesthesia in a sick horse. At surgery, if they had found dead small intestine, that worsens the prognosis (depending on exactly what has died and how many feet they have to remove). After surgery, they have to recover form anesthesia without injury, and get back to their stall.
After surgery is intensive care (frequent monitoring of vitals, IV fluids, medications etc.). They may continue to reflux because their gut isn’t working yet, so they will still have a NG tube and they can’t have oral water/food until that is pulled.
Once they are through the immediate postoperative period, their gut has to start working again, and then they have to be able to eat and drink without colicking again. Some will get diarrhea postoperatively that in itself can be life threatening.
Once all that is resolved and they can finally go home, you will have about a month of stall rest (not all horses can tolerate that), followed by a month of stall rest with hand walking, then a month of small paddock turnout and then a gradual return to normal routines.
So yes, while it is true that we are MUCH better at performing equine anesthesia, surgery and postoperative care, there are SO many things that can go wrong at each step. Especially with a small intestinal lesion with a guarded prognosis before they ever even go IN to surgery, it definitely isn’t wrong to stop and not put your horse through that.
Money also isn’t the “wrong” reason to stop - if all (or even some) of the potential postop complications happen, then suddenly you’re in for more than the original estimate with a horse that you can’t bring home. People generally have a really hard time making the decision for euthanasia at that point since they have a very significant emotional and financial investment.
My DH is a surgeon and had a horse one time that had a SI resection and just never got back to normal in the postoperative period. Colicked every time they started to feed it more than a handful of grass. Had a second colic surgery (more SI had died - looked good at SX, but worsened, so had a second resection), and still didn’t improve. He was euthanized after two colic surgeries and several weeks of intensive care with upwards of a $20K bill. 
So with what you told us, I think you absolutely made the right decision - your sweet friend isn’t hurting any more. Hang in there.
I know you said you’re in some counseling, but there are a lot of pet support helplines that specifically deal with grief after the death of an animal family member - the University of Illinois has a great group:
http://vetmed.illinois.edu/pet_column/coping-with-the-death-of-a-pet/
I am so sorry for your loss of your best friend as well. Have to agree, I think your vet was overly optimistic, because they tell you 50% all the time… Your case sounded much worse with a worse outcome. Take a lot of deep breaths. It’s not easy going thru what you are feeling. Hugs to you.
OP, this article appeared in the New York Times today and I thought immediately of you. Even though it’s about a dog, I think you may find comfort by reading it:
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/03/23/n…T.nav=top-news
Hugs again…
One other thing, OP… it sounds like you feel like Buddy would be betrayed/feel like he lost something, because you released him. But, what if he is happy as a colt, galloping around up in heaven? What if he is young and strong again and the speediest and most handsome horse there? What if he is having a fantastic time running in a fun, adventurous, friendly, goofy herd, with his ancestors surrounding him, spending his time alternatingly showing off his smoothest moves and grazing on delicious meadows? What if he would be saying to you, “Wow, Mom! I love this new barn. Watch me jump the stream! Watch me winning this race with the other guys! Look at all my friends – some of them were in the herd where I was born! – and there’s my birth mom, and all my aunts, and my grandmother, and my dad’s over there… This place is AWESOME! Thanks for letting me come board here, Mom!”
:yes::yes::sadsmile::sadsmile::sadsmile::sadsmile::sadsmile::love-struck:
Life is white, black and grey. You could say “if” so many times you would spend the rest of your life running this decision in circles. Your beloved horse had a medical event, and the outcome meant he was cared for, loved, and at the end it was decided that euthanasia was the kindest thing.
I made the same decision years ago as well. Young horse, perfectly healthy otherwise. Uncertain outcome for surgery. Financially unwilling to burden myself/my family with the bill. The first year was hard living with that decision.
It’s been five years now, and it hurts less. I see his photos pop up in my Facebook timeline and I share them and all my horsey friends reminisce. I miss him, but I loved him and cared for him as best I possibly could. He will be in my heart forever, no matter what.
You need to focus less on your heartbreak and start working towards forgiving yourself. You did the very best you could under the circumstances. 
Your heart will heal one day too.
I also made that decision a few years ago for my 26-year old gelding that I had owned for 23 years. He was in good health, and it happened unexpectedly. In his case, I didn’t think a) surgery was the right thing to do at his age, and b) that he would do well on stall rest. It’s a tough call, and there’s certainly no right decision. Best wishes healing and moving forward!
I think you made the right call. Putting down a horse is never an easy thing, but strangulating lipomas are tough and the necrotic intestines would likely make recovery very complicated. I know some very respected surgeons who get very concerned when working with necrotic intestines in colic surgeries because of how hard it can be on the horses post-op. So sorry for your loss, and I’m so sorry you are grieving in this way. Wishing you the best.
I made the decision to euthanize on two different occasions, one was a rescue mare with whom I had struggled for several years with weight and frequent, usually minor colics. I used to joke with her, if one can joke with a horse, and tell her I knew why they dumped her! Nothing was easy about taking care of her. With that predisposition I felt that surgery was a poor risk. My biggest regret with her was that the bad and final colic occurred the day after Christmas and I had responsibility for the whole barn since my friends were away for the holidays. And I let myself sleep in. It was obvious when I got to the barn that she had been suffering for quite a while. That is hard to reconcile.
The other was a beloved broodmare, 20 years old, with a three-month-old foal at her side. She had never so much as passed wind in the 10 years I owned her, so I knew it was bad. She was a tough cookie. I also was 3000 miles away at my mother’s funeral. I took the vet’s recommendation and had her put to sleep. Talk about a sucky week.
I regret that colic exists and I regret that it had to take these two wonderful mares, but I do not regret my decisions. They were appropriate at the time. Just like making the decision for when a dog or cat should be put to sleep, something else that I dread, but do. It’s our last gift to them.
This is how I lost my horse as well. The recovery for him, I thought would be worse. He would have had to be cooped up way too long. He wanted to run.
To a degree it’s a financial decision as well. He was incredibly valuable to me and my daughter. Other than that…not so much.
((Hugs)) It’s a personal decision - I hope you don’t second guess yoiurself too much. Easier said than done, I know.
I had a cat that I literally birthed. She was the absolute best cat and she was with me during the worst parts of my life.
She got sick young, she was only 10 years old. I spent thousands trying to figure out what was wrong with her. One night she came to me howling in pain and I rushed her to the emergency clinic. She spent 4 days there, they did more aggressive diagnostics than my primary vet. She had an inoperable pancreatic tumor and on the forth day I had to let her go.
What do I regret? My life’s biggest regret? That I made her go through that last four days at the clinic. I had already discussed a quiet home euthanasia with my primary vet but I couldn’t let her go.
I made her spend the last four days of her life being poked and prodded, shaved and ultrasounded. I did it for me, not for her.
You did the right thing. You did the best thing. He will thank you some day.
I am so grateful that so many people are taking the time to be so kind. I am reading through all the responses and will be replying in more detail soon. I’m definitely not ignoring all these kind words and your own losses.
I’m having a difficult tine right now as Buddy’s ashes will be coming home tomorrow and I’ve been avoiding this the entire time because I know it will be the final chapter in his passing and it will make everything so very real. But reading these responses certainly helps me to stop and think about things more rationally and it’s very comforting knowing I’m not alone.
Thank you again. So many of you have made me teary but not in a negative way. I’m so grateful to have found such an amazing group of strangers who don’t judge. I will definitely be posting replies soon.
I’ve posted already, but just wanted to say how kid and thoughtful everyone’s post have been and we certainly do not walk this path alone. To the OP, thank you for your responses, too. Take care and take support from those close to you.
It is hard.
I am just checking in with you. You made the right decision for your horse. I struggle with an old chronic laminitic horse that probably won’t be serviceable to ride any more. I’ve talked to my vet about when it is time to “dig the hole”. They have promised to tell me. I’ve rehabbed him for 10 years. It would be easy to throw in the towel but his life is good. He’s eating, not down, has friends.
I lost my gelding to colic last year in mid April. Totally out of the blue - he was 9. They could not get his pain under control long enough hook him to fluids, the ultrasound didn’t show anything outright and the only other option was exploratory surgery.
I tore me up inside to let him go, but considering my family, which includes 2 young kids, I made the decision that I could not afford colic surgery, along with weighing that the vet had told me it was no guarantee that it would help or that he’d survive recovery. Just the emergency vet bills alone racked up a few thousand (my vet out twice and then a transfer to an emergency clinic). Do I wish I could have done it and given him a fighting chance? I’m not really sure. Part of me says yes, but another part says it would have just prolonged his pain even more and I can’t logically put them through pain to ease my own hurt of losing them.
From what I gather on how colic goes and what you were dealing with, I think you did right by him. He knows you loved him to the end, and is watching over you now.
Considering his condition, I think you did the only humane thing you could have done. I’ve had to euthanize 5 horses over the years–and have hated the necessity of having to let them go every single time. One had a compound fracture, another had a faulty esophagus which was inoperable, another was 35 and couldn’t get up, and so forth. With horses, and other of the animals that we love, it’s part of our job see that they don’t suffer unnecessarily when it’s their time. Don’t beat yourself up.
I am in the same boat with one of mine. So thankful to have vets that I trust to help me with this.
None of my horses are a surgical candidate. It is a hard reality and it was so hard to say out loud last time my not sound pasture puff retired horse was not responding well during a colic episode. I am thankful that our last effort worked and I get to continue to watch him hang out in my pasture.
OP, you did right by your horse. You are a good horse owner. You are a responsible horse owner.
Second guessing is normal, hurting is normal. And I know that knowing that will not make you stop second guessing or stop hurting, just hoping it helps you realize that most of us have been there and we understand.
When you get the ashes, have a good old fashioned Irish wake in his honor. Celebrate his life, share memories with friends and family, share drink and toast to him, don’t drown in his death. Grieve but cherish the memories and move on with your own life. You gave him a very good life with a greatest gift of a dignified passing without fear. When you are ready, there’s another horse out there deserving of the same life in your hands.
I haven’t read a single reply but just wanted to let you know that I sent my colicking horse to surgery and I regret it every single day. He didn’t make it off the table, and I regret that I had to ship him in pain to the clinic, never got to say goodbye, and put him through so much suffering for no reason. If my current horse were to need colic surgery, I would choose euthanasia every time. The guilt and not to mention financial strain of putting my other guy through an unsuccessful surgery weighed on me for a long time.
hugs I am so sorry for your loss.
