I did this, and I have zero regrets. I wasn’t even all that old at the time (mid 30s), and I didn’t switch breeds (Arabians). I did the hunters for two decades but was never brave, especially over fences. I’m doing the ranch horse thing now, and it is such a breath of fresh air. Lower key, more welcoming, dramatically less expensive, and just all around more fun. The horses I have now are literally born broke and would never dream of hurting anyone. There’s plenty of adrenaline involved in the cattle classes, but there is zero pressure to move up to a level or class that intimidates me (i.e. my trainer will be going down the fence with my mare this year, but I will stick to boxing). Sometimes you even go home from the show having made money, which is a nice change of pace! 
Y
I definitely think you will get back to that place. Finding an appropriate mount for you will do wonders-
One that is the same day in, day out, can take a joke, doesn’t have to be heavily schooled by the pro , can have a few days off and is the same horse. They are out it there. You don’t necessarily need an Olympic quality horse just a good
Minded steady Eddie that will do what you need him to
Y’all, I can’t thank you enough for your replies. They’ve been really thoughtful, with a world of experience and knowledge behind them.
whine ahead
I guess what frustrates me and keeps me from moving on or looking forward is that, as a youngster, when it came to riding, I was always the kid on the outside looking in. I did not have a supportive or engaged family. I ended up riding a lot of backyard horses and had very little formal education in riding. I had a lot of fun bombing around the trails, but I never had any success or very little opportunity to show, which was really what I wanted to do. I took 12 years off of riding to establish myself in a career. I worked hard to afford to ride. I had a few heartbreaks with horses that I purchased with soundness issues. When I finally found my heart horse, he made all my dreams come true… FOR ONE YEAR. Then he had a career ending injury and is retired in a field. I don’t feel like I ever really got to live the dreams that I worked so hard for. Now I am older and can afford the financial side and my body and nerve is failing me. It all seems so darn unfair.
A dear friend of mine went through something similar. She was used to getting slammed around and beaten up by the horses. She was the one who took on horses that, honestly, no one would want or love but her. She hit 43 and realized that riding through the spooks and fixing problem horses wasn’t fun anymore. She realized she didn’t want to move up the levels and ride fancy but quirky. She decided she wanted safe, comfortable and enjoyable. She sold her two young horses and purchased a lovely appendix. She does well on the local A circuits and the unrated shows. She can take him out hunting or lower level eventing or swimming on the beach.
It broke her heart to sell the young ones but it was breaking her heart even more realizing she was losing her passion for the sport and the animals.
Definitely this! I had surgical menopause at 45, and also take an aromatase inhibitor for breast cancer. Having hit it like that, my symptoms were extreme, and definitely affected my energy levels and overall strength. What helped me was hitting the gym. Resistance training to protect my bones from the effects of the deprivation of estrogen, and cardiovascular work to improve my stamina in riding. During the pandemic, when I didn’t go to the gym, I definitely reverted. I really feel for you, OP.
This is where I’m at. I’m 64 and have given up eventing or, for that matter, jumping at all and looking forward to purchasing my next solid citizen, safe quiet trail horse.
It’s where I started so I’ve come full circle.
I’ve never been very brave, am a returning rider, bought my first horse ($2500 extremely green 3 yo TB 
) after taking only a handful of lessons as an adult. TB was lovely, lovely, so kind, beautifully balanced uphill gaits, and just a really solid dude. Made a local schooling show debut with me in hunter crossrails, won the whole thing. He heartbreakingly has wicked kissing spines and soundness issues beyond repair, despite my numerous, expensive, dedicated interventions.
I tried to replace him, right around covid when prices were absolutely absurd and 15-20k could get you a super green, grade horse that wasn’t particularly special in any way. This went, quite badly, as you can imagine. I ended up care leasing a 2’6” jumper-type large pony, thanks to my friend knowing a trainer, took her out to some tiny jumper/dressage/eventing stuff. Had a blast… owner moved to another state and took pony back.
I then leased a small eventing horse that bolted with me (and I bailed) and was extremely rattled. We tried again to shop, found a well-schooled horse I loved that didn’t vet well at all, another green one I wanted to consider purchasing but when vetted was literally twice the advertised age… and basically everything felt too green, too scary.
I got a message from pony #1 human offering her back to me, for $7500. Pony came back, and things weren’t quite the same as the first time, but never unsafe… but it took quite a while to get our groove back. We’re coming up on 2 years reunited, and we have done loads of things together - little schooling shows in jumpers and dressage, hunter pacing, cross-country schooling, eventing camp for adults, all kinds of lessons. One of my friends is learning to jump on her. She’s not super fancy, she’s a chunky/drafty 14.1, but she never spooks/bucks/bolts/rears… she does have a lot of feelings and is very particular about the way she is handled and ridden, which has improved my horsemanship and my listening skills… are we doing exactly what I’d hoped we’d be doing by now (eventing, 2’6” etc) - no - but she has a pretty great heart and has brought so much joy back to my life. She lives on my best friend’s farmette, almost never gets a pro ride, and can sit for weeks if I need her to, and come out the same. I can haul her to lessons and outings alone, myself. She’s a treasure.
I personally would recommend getting your feet back under you with some lessons on some very quiet lesson horses, consider a change of discipline to one that has less pressure (eventing, dressage), and ask your friends/trainers/other contacts to keep their eyes open for a horse you can really enjoy and feel safe and happy with. I genuinely believe that’s where the joy in horses is to be found, for most people.
I guess I learned from other’s experiences on the hunt field --although I’ve hunted for 57 years, I’ve always had “sort of good” hunt horses --nothing anyone would stop and watch and say, “Wow!” --but good solid horses --that was because my kids and then grand kid were all using the same horses for other stuff --Ranch Riding, WP, trail etc. One DD was going through high levels of 3-Day —although I rode her horse in dressage now and then, I never wanted to jump him or hunt him --he was a rocket!
As I rode in the various hunts --first flight, MFH myself a few years, and second flight for the last 3-4 years, I’ve watched others in the hunt change horses. What I have seen is a lack of acknowledgement of aging --someone who rode an OTTB right off the track on to the hunt field and then hunted the horse for 15-20 years, looks for ANOTHER OTTB at the track expecting to do the same thing --except the rider is no longer 40, but 60 years old. Time and again, it doesn’t end well for the rider. Lately I’ve seen my fellow hunters going for more sedate breeds with training --paying top dollar for those horses --and they are happier and safer riding.
To your question specifically —I changed my expectations of me. I now ride second flight and avoid jumping --I can jump, and my horse can jump --but our combined age is close to 100 --so I avoid jumps for both his old legs and my old body. Secondly, I took up Mounted Archery --a quiet sport where the horse need only canter 90 meters at a reasonable pace --and I just need to stay on and maybe hit a target now and then. I am competitive locally after 7 years of working at it (I have a track on my farm and now 3 archery horses) but had my come-up-ance at a National level match last fall where the International Team competed --just back from shooting in Mongolia --while I wasn’t last place, I was pretty close. On the other hand I was introduced as the oldest archer on the field by 21 years . . .
I truly enjoy riding my horses around my farm, shooting my bow, and taking myself to the hunt club for a good chase. And I just bought a horse —when I tracked back all his owners to the breeder trying to get an idea of his background (exactly as advertised, I found out), to the last they said, “Mounted Archery should be ideal for him! He was too slow for mounted shooting and too lazy for barrel racing.” Ahhh, my ideal horse --slow and lazy! I bought Bob because my other two horses are getting pretty old for the amount of riding I do --anyway --decide what you enjoy about horses and do that.
A successful jockey turned successful steeplechase trainer once described courage to me as a cup, full in youth, that you drink from sometimes in gulps and sometimes in sips. Until one day you tip it up and it is empty. Take advantage of your financial security and find a horse and a niche that suits your current mental and physical self. Mourn what’s gone for a minute, then go find a new path to joy!
OP - one more thing…I was diagnosed 2-3 years ago with multiple lumbar issues including bulging and herniated discs. It also affected my legs, and I actually first noticed it walking my dogs. Got to the point where I asked horse for a shoulder in and rather than an immediate response, he just continued on. Apparently didn’t feel the aids clearly. PT with a good, sports oriented therapist helped A LOT. And my riding trainer is very good at biomechanics of riding. He weekly gives me a “Core Workout” lesson that has helped strengthen me in the saddle. If you can find a trainer (probably a dressage type) that will work with YOU on a school horse, that would be beneficial IMO. You may never become a convert BUT it will be a good learning and physical experience.
It’s nice to honor your past child but don’t be bound by regrets or resentment from back then.
I don’t know if jumping is over for you, but I do think.yiu need to rehome this horse.
I rode as a teen/young adult mostly Western, took a good 20 years off for life, and returned mid 40s. I am now early 60s. I had no idea what path riding would take for me when I signed up for returning rider lessons at a solid smaller h/j barn. I had no idea if I could even afford it
I ended up in self board at a nonprofit riding club in the suburbs and live 7 minutes drive away. I never did pick up on the jumping, I ended up in dressage and then back country trail riding with my own truck and trailer. I also learned about clicker training and liberty work and ground training for obstacles.
What l have lost in stamina and enthusiasm and risk taking, I’ve compensated for in patience, skills, and a much wider equine education.
It’s the “child you” that thinks jumping and galloping are the only fun or worthwhile thing. But as an adult the options are not just “jump high and fast” or “mosey on the buckle daydreaming.” The slower disciplines like dressage require a huge amount of focus and skill even at the walk. The faster Western flat disciplines like reining or cattle penning require highly trained horses and the training is very interesting. Even trail riding isn’t “just” trail riding. My mare is the solid horse to go settle fussier horses and it’s amazing how many horses are unpredictable on trails. Making a good trail horse then seeing how far and high you can go is a process.
So you’ve set up a false dichotomy. Either jump at competition levels or just hack endlessly around the ring on loose reins.
One other thing, when I returned to riding I put a priority both feeling safe and being safe, because I was already too old to bounce.
I work in furniture and we say " there is a bum for every chair". I feel like this with horses.
You want to ride for that little girl in you? There is a horse out there that will make you believe you dreamed TOO small. There IS a horse that was meant to make all this worth it. But I do think getting a half lease on a packer will help heal that current heart and get you to that horse… just my imo…
Don’t rule out hunting if you enjoy it! We’ve got lots of ladies at the barn where I teach in their sixties and seventies, and some in their eighties. They all still hunt. Most hilltop with our fantastic master who keeps everyone safe, and we have mounted them on halflingers and small draft x’s. You can enjoy these things with the right horse and the right people.
Just to offer an alternative perspective: I wouldn’t get so hung up on age. I think a lot of us are tempted to blame age for many things, which can shut down possibilities. You’re not old! But if a sixteen or twenty-six-year-old had gone through the accidents you’d suffered…wouldn’t she have a right to feel uncertain as well? You’ve been through trauma, and give yourself permission to process that.
Regarding being “the same”–even an eighteen-year-old who had a significant accident isn’t going to be “the same” as one of those lucky people who managed to avoid any spills. Even pros who can seemingly ride anything often reassess what they are willing to get on for a client after a serious scare.
The way you phrase your options, you seem to view them as “for all time.” Like, that you have to give up riding or jumping or pursuing showing right now “for all time.” Making a big decision after a trauma is not the best time to do it.
Regarding fitness-I had to take a break from riding for financial reasons and have been pursuing running, and it’s boosted my confidence tremendously. I am 49 and have never been so fit. You don’t have to give up riding to work on your out-of-saddle fitness, though, and when things are tough in the saddle, getting that reinforcement of seeing what you can do on your own can be so empowering, and it will help you.
I also think dressage lessons can be helpful in developing a secure seat–but even as a dressage rider, I don’t think that age should be a reason to stop jumping. I just think that focusing on that connection with the horse will help you, no matter where the rest of your riding career takes you.
I personally think that leasing might be the better option for you right now, or riding school horses that are truly bombproof. Then reassess in a few months where you are as a person, physically and mentally. You may just need to ride a horse that is truly boring, even way beneath your skill level to get that confidence back.
I wish I could 
your response more than once. I never, ever considered this perspective. It makes a lot of sense. I will need to think on this some. I have been blaming most of what I’ve been through on aging and my failing body. But maybe there is more to it than that.
I am so glad it was helpful! Psychological trauma can make you feel very fragile! But I think for most of us, our riding careers (or our relationships with our bodies) go through ups and downs. It’s very rare that it’s a straight downward slide (or an even keel).
It’s a kid’s book, but I always think of the C.W. Anderson book Afraid to Ride, where the heroine (after a bad accident) is told that although one horse took away her confidence, a good one can give it back, and I don’t think that’s only true of young people!
I think you’re being way too hard on yourself. There are so many steps between starting your own 3 year old and hanging up your spurs for good. It’s totally reasonable to make smart decisions about what you will and won’t sit on, or how high you’ll jump, or whether you’ll trail ride alone, etc. That’s not a sign that you’re less of a rider, it’s just good risk management. This sport is dangerous enough as it is, there’s no need to make it more dangerous just to prove that you’re as brave as the 20 year old working students that really will sit on anything. Their brains aren’t fully developed yet, that’s why they’re so fearless! It’s not just about age either; I’m younger than you but I’m careful about the risks I choose to take. If that makes me a “reduced” rider that’s fine, I spend way too much money on this sport to be afraid all the time.
Even an older green horse in the 7-9 range is going to be a lot more predictable than a baby, but will still have plenty left for you to learn and grow together. A packer type might be nice temporarily while you get your confidence back, but you have tons of options from there. Don’t let this one mismatched horse ruin your fun.
A lot of this is also situational. Just because you couldn’t ride your 5 year old bareback in a halter doesn’t mean you won’t feel safe doing so on a slightly older horse that you trust more. Just because you won’t launch yourself at every jump in the hunt field doesn’t mean you’re done jumping. You may be surprised how brave you get when you find a more trustworthy horse.
For me it’s progesterone. Mid 40’s, apparently an over achiever on the menopause front. I’ve started supplementing and my god, the panick attacks and anxiety are gone. It’s been awesome.
OP…that being said, life’s too short and whether we like it or not, our bodies keep aging. Find another horse or try another discipline so you can enjoy yourself.
No real suggestions, other than to say, you are not alone.
I was never the bravest rider…but I rode professionally and took on some problem horses for a bit…so good confidence. Then I had a run of very difficulty horses…all had medical issues that were the root of the behavior. But it didn’t stop them from chipping away at my confidence.
The last one (one I bought as a yearling, and absolutely adored)…tanked my confidence. He ended up diagnosed with EDM. But the degree of his explosions were dramatic and unpredictable. All the horses before, you kind of knew when they acted up what they were going to do…this horse was completely unpredictable (not his fault…his brain was degenerating). But dealing with those dramatic explosions that were at times very dangerous, totally shook me. In talking with another pro rider who also went through an EDM horse, she experienced a very similar shake to her confidence. She sought out a sports psychologist. I probably need to as well. Though, I can ride my old guy with 100% confidence…but I’ve ridden him for 16 years, so we have a looooooong relationship of trust. I don’t automatically have that with a new ride or my youngsters…despite my current 4 yo mare being super good!
I think it’s also hard when you have to reevaluate what you are comfortable with and your goals…especially if you had a certain goal for a really long time. But that also means you can reset your goals now…and when you’ve built back some confidence, you can always reevaluate your goals again.
I’m 33 and the “right horse” sentiment rings true for me.
I, too, was outside looking in as a junior - while everyone else (I grew up in same area and time as Jessica Springsteen) was off showing winters at WEF or working through their dressage medals. I was riding 6x a week young dressage horses and my trainers’ aging schoolmasters, mucking stalls and doing feed for extra lessons. Ive taken a combined 10 years off horses since I was 18. So out of the last 16 or so years 10 of them were not riding. 7 year break followed by two separate 18 month breaks. High travel corporate job, moving and buying houses, living in non-horsey areas with only amazing trainer in town on average 2x a month, you name it.
6 months ago I got back to riding again on the ABSOLUTELY wrong horse. In pain as I later found out due to not healing from a semi recent hip injury. Chronic spooker with a big spook, bolt, bucking bronco move. I never came off, but I was mistrustful and it happened whenever we were doing something where I asked for more engagement and not running around on the forehand.
It took a 4* eventing trainer AND an assistant trainer to an Olympian dressage rider to tell me “you’re a very good and capable rider with a feel that, we know was trained, looks natural and effortless. On any other horse I’d have you doing 4th level movements / jumping more (2’6+) - but as this is your current lease, you’re not going to experience that.”
I ended the lease, moved barns (both other trainers are not affiliated with lease horse and barn) and am now working my way back to jumping little courses on SAFE, SANE, but incredible horses with so much experience. I’ve now sat on 3 “new to me horses” that all confirmed my sentiment that previous lease was “not it”.
Find yourself schoolies or a nice safe lease and get the feeling back while feeling SAFE. We don’t have to prove anything by riding the young, the green, the spicy, the whatever. Like it’s your safety and YOUR money and YOUR happiness.
You can do a lot of things with the right animal 
