@alternate_universe_24: 65+ yr old rider here. You are doing the right thing by selling your horse. Go find a small horse with a short stride that you can ride: buy it or lease it. Like, a small quarter horse or something like C Boylen described. Get your WTC strength up and then make a decision about the next step.
For me, I’ve come to accept that my balance/reaction rate is not what it used to be. My strength is great, but that’s not enough for safe riding in all situations. I’m a lifelong H/J rider. I don’t think I am confident enough to canter my greenie over jumps (we are trotting little tiny stuff now). I would not survive a bolt and buck on the other side.
Think about your risk factors (herniated disks - don’t want to make that situation worse with a fall). But get back to riding! Every day that you are on a horse that you trust is a wonderful day.
You’ve gotten some fantastic replies here, OP, and while I think your feelings of frustration and dejectedness are completely valid, I hope that some of the comments also make it easy to recognize your feelings as valid, but find a way forward to somewhere where you don’t have to be stuck feeling those things.
@Impractical_Horsewoman above mentioned not getting too hung up on age and I think this is a great point. I had a pretty hard fall that really got into my head when I was 17. It absolutely destroyed the type of rider I was. It took a long time to come back from that…but, looking back, I can say that I was ultimately a better rider for it. You can’t “go back” to the rider you were. It’s a bit like crying over spilt milk. But what you can do is identify the characteristics you want to work towards, and find the right horse to help you develop them.
And maybe you will find your experience mirrors mine - there were things that I thought, (“I want to be brave again” “I wish I weren’t so scared of these things that used to be so simple”), but while I never truly felt that I was “brave” again (I still don’t) I honed the skills that helped me feel more confident, and rather than “I am brave enough to do this” it became “I have enough confidence in my capability to do this”.
- Take some time off, explore other hobbies. Spend time at the gym getting more fitness and strength back.
- Look for a half lease within the barn and work on getting my confidence back
For what it’s worth… couldn’t you combine the two? I’m team find a lease horse that can help you rebuild your confidence, and that you can work on redeveloping your skill, your confidence, and your joy - but also, because bodies are fragile machines, going to the gym, taking some classes (pilates are great…horrible, but great), and building up your fitness and physical capability is also a great idea that might help you feel more secure and more confident in the saddle with a lease 
Whatever it is you decide, OP, I think you’ll find a lot of people rooting for you to find happiness. Sorry that your journey hasn’t been a gentle one lately.
I am staring hard at 70, and I was asking similar questions of myself this summer right before I bought my current horse. I had to retire my current foxhunter due to soundness and I was trying to decide if I wanted to keep riding. I decided I wanted a steady “yes mam” type of horse, no more project horses. I ended up with a 9 yr old Morgan/Quarter cross who is still a little green to my discipline, but with a good solid introduction. He’s got a little slow spook, a little bounce, but he is smart, sane, kind, and is a “yes I can” horse.
My confidence took a hit with my previous horse when he tripped at the canter and rolled on me. I clawed my way back, but I still have to brush the fear bird from my shoulder. Now I have found that it has sort of leaked out. I am very slow to trust. When my new guy has a little spook I sit it, ride it and laugh, but when I get home, I replay it and think “what if there are bigger ones coming”. I try to stop those thoughts and instead to be objective. It was an easy spook, he regained his focus quickly, we ended on a good note. Confidence is like a muscle, it can become weak or strained, but with care it can be built up and become stronger again. I am not the fearless rider of my youth, but I am the smart, strong older rider. Give yourself time, we would put in months of patient work to re-hab a horse, allow yourself that same gift. I threw out hard timetables and instead look for progress. Choose your next horse not for the ribbons it might earn, but how it may help you strengthen your confidence and find joy.
I am not sure if my new guy will end up as a staff horse. I hope he will be, right now we are just bouncing around in Third Flight, but we are having fun. I would love to try cattle sorting, or a trail clinic, his “yes I can” is rubbing off on me. I think his show name will be Coddiwomple. Defined as a V, to travel purposefully toward an as-yet -unknown destination. You can do this!!!
While I agree that you can and will come back, I’d urge you to not do anything rash. It is not time for you to hang up your spurs.
I had some bad accidents 15 years ago that left me with some bad PTSD. Though I’m not the same rider I once was, I’m not limited to plodding around pleasure riding. I don’t jump anymore, at least not over big sticks, but I ride spicy saddlebreds and problem horses still - I am just more cautious about how I do it. And now I ride in a western saddle, because that’s more comfortable for my bad hips.
I too struggled with the feelings of “how could I be like this?”. Fear has never been with me so its appearance was most unwelcome. If I take long breaks it comes back a little but nowhere near where it was - I was literally paralyzed with fear when I returned and my heart would race to mount.
You will be a more thinking rider and you’ll have the opportunity to think about how to prepare your horse for you. I was inspired by Buck Brannaman’s leading exercises where he quipped that the horse had to learn to walk slow with him because he would be walking slow someday. Now I focus a lot on those kinds of skills that I will need my horses to know as my body ages further.
It’s still fun - and I still ride spicy horses 
This is but a leg in the journey. Be well!
Just an idea:
Change the dream. Set yourself up for more immediate success. Live out the dream that works now.
For example, you can be jumping, maybe not over anything as big as the old dream. So instead of going up and up the jumping levels and division names, you and your 2’6" steady eddie made-jumper travel to every corner of your quadrant of the U.S. (or wherever you are) and score triumphs at 2’6"'ers everywhere. At the bigger shows that attract other travelers. Or, that is the level of hunt field you attend.
At first it may feel like a downgrade, a compromise. But when you start cashing in on success with the New Dream, most probably you will feel that satisfaction that you are chasing. That celebratroy fulfillment.
State after state, over new patterns of courses, new venues, new hunts, new hunting obstacles at your personal height, meeting lots of different people wherever you go. Taking ribbons back home.
Maybe make a spring, summer or fall tour of celebrated venues. Coming away with a collection of ribbons printed with names from whatever part of the country you want to visit.
Maybe throw in some super-cool trail rides at horse-friendly state and national parks at those places.
With the human companion(s) of your choice. Maybe a different set of humans on each trip, if no one else can really match your pace.
Just one way to make your dream far more satisfactory than constantly feeling that you are coming up short, that your saddle time and horse(s) are not leading where you wish to go.
And – as others have alluded to – maybe at some future point, you really will feel ready to go right back up in height & width. But do not make that a goal, rather the goal is to feel good and enjoy your horse time, right now.
Change things to set yourself up for success now. Just another thought to go in the kettle of contemplation.
This is so true. No matter how much you work out and exercise and keep in shape you don’t stay the same. You may feel young in heart and mind but your body is saying otherwise.
Many of us go a long, long time without a fall but the reality is, is that when you are on a horse ( any horse) falls are always a possibility and as you age any fall can be debilitating and something you can’t come back from physically or mentally.
Finding a horse you feel safe on and riding in a way that isn’t as " exciting & active" ( like hunting, jumping, speed events, riding a greenie etc) can go a long way to help someone gain confidence back.
It seems that self preservation kicks in for many of us as we age. If we want it to or not.
Does showing for you only mean over fences? There are so many other ways to compete and in safer disciplines with just as much accomplishment in the end. You might have no problem in living your dream if you explore other ways to reach it?
Ranch riding classes are something that comes to mind. I’ve never done it but it looks fun.
Sell your horse and go sit on as many horses as you can until you find the one that gives you the feeling.
On some horses you just get the “safe” feeling. It’s hard to describe but they keep themselves underneath you.
Whether it’s a QH, cute Morgan, draft cross, go ride all the types and figure out where you are comfortable doing. Then build from there.
Along the lines of what others have said … don’t buy another horse, for now. Lease instead. Think about trying different disciplines, different types of horses. Maybe even in a good lesson program if it has able horses.
This. The right horse, and some help from a confidence-building trainer, will get you back on track. I had some similar experiences over the last year and my confidence was wrecked and my riding was going backwards. I found new jobs for both horses that work better for them, got a new trainer, and he found me a unicorn who has made it fun again and rebuilt my confidence in a very short period of time. Forget green, forget fancy, focus on the feeling the horse gives you when you get on. You’ll be nervous of course, but with the right horse and right coaching, you’ll start to feel some comfort creep back in pretty quickly! I went back to cantering little cavaletti until I could breath again and stop panicking, and when I made a mistake, my new horse never flicked an ear, never changed his rhythm, and never held it against me when we came back to the same jump. He just keeps on keeping on, and that’s a great feeling. Find the horse that is your unicorn and gives you that feeling, and the history will start to fade away.
I had the horse from hell for 4 or 5 years. I got her as a 4 yro and it was a disaster. Nothing worked out, no matter what I did. I finally unloaded her and mostly got out of horses for around 10 years. During that time I boogered up my foot bad, so it was just as well I didn’t have a horse.
I fell into a great lease situation about 5 years ago. An older goofball gelding who had some baggage (putting it mildly), but it was like riding a bike & everything came back. I showed him for 3 seasons and learned a lot with him. Last year I bought a new gelding, who turned out to be super easy, too the point that he may be for sale in the spring.
Don’t take time off from riding completely if you can avoid it. Starting back as you get older gets harder each time, especially after a hit to the confidence.
But I can relate to this, almost getting jumped off over an 18" vertical a couple weeks ago on my green one. He was giving it a peek, but he jumped way bigger and rounder than I expected. I don’t fall off easily and managed to stay with him well enough, but as I was feeling my tippy toes on the stirrups on landing, I thought “Oh, Sh*t”… Thankfully, he’s never bucked after a fence (but he does buck at other times), because if he had at that moment, I’d have been a lawn dart. But he cantered on and all was well, and that was it for the over jumping that day. But lord, he’s huge and while I’ve tried to lay a good foundation of training and get him to some shows and off property schooling, I’m really coming to terms with the fact that I will need someone else to show him over jumps for me for a bit. I’ve almost always done it myself with trainer help, but his fancy custom saddle did not come with a seat belt. I think I’ll really like this horse in another couple years.
It helps a lot that I also have my “old lady horse” confidence builder that I bought after my last young horse disaster. This guy had a serious injury (which prompted me to buy current young horse…probably not smart), so I’m not sure exactly what his performance future will be, but he is alive and serviceably sound for at least flatwork and small jumps so far, and he helps me keep me tuned up and centered. Despite his health problems, he is worth his very hefty weight in gold.
I just found this forum today and I am already learning so much and loving it. I am fortunate to have moved next door to a small horse farm that has a dressage focus. The owners are a 78 year old woman (Kris) and her 81 year old husband. They have 12 high quality, mature school horses and a few boarders. Kris gives lessons 6 days a week for students age 4 and up. Somehow, she has attracted a handful of women riders that are late 30’s to early 70’s (I’m 56), returning riders and most of us have had traumatic riding injuries. We discuss this issue all the time! We all grieve what we used to be, we grieve the horses we no longer have, but we keep going. Personally, I had a near death crisis at age 49 (heart and respiratory failure) and was unable to do anything but lie on my couch for 3 years. I lost my career. I lost a huge part of my identity. I was no longer a strong and powerful person. In a horrible twist of fate, my gorgeous, huge, spooky WB abruptly died when I was in the hospital. He was probably too much horse for me but he was my heart. I was absolutely broken. I had to sell my house. Somehow I happened to move next to this barn. How could I resist trying to ride again, looking at horses all day? I didn’t ride for 3+ years. Kris took me back to the basics, and I’ve been rebuilding myself. Sometimes its 2 steps forward, and 1 step backwards. I’ve had a couple of bad falls. My confidence comes and goes. She goes as slowly or as fast as needed with each one of us. I took a few lessons. Then I started out doing barn work in exchange for ride time and lessons. Now I work there part time with the horses. Sometimes I ride several days a week, sometimes I’m too tired and don’t ride for a while. Sometimes I get fearful. But just being there helps me. I love to watch lessons. I love to learn. I love to share my experiences. I still love and ride big, spooky WB’s, but in a different way than I used to. I look back to my first horse who was a 19 year old former Grand Prix dressage competitor. He was spirited and fun, slightly spooky, but just a solid guy. At the time, I didn’t know what a gem he was. Since I have free horses next door, I don’t need to buy a new horse. But if I did, I would want him back again. Dressage has been really helpful for me in both strengthening my body and my mind. It’s different but good and fills my soul.
My 2cents:
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Bodywork. PIlates, gym, cardio. This will make you stronger but also you will feel stronger.
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Consciously stop making goals/plans. Now is not the time. When you start regretting the past, turn your mind to something more positive in the present. Part of your pain is your thought patterns (like for everyone).
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Keep riding. Find a leaser that you can trust. Do not stop riding, even if all you are brave enough for right now is flat arena work. Like my friend used to say, never stop doing what you love, because you might find you can’t start up again.
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If you feel competition is your thing, bear in mind that there are LOTS of disciplines that are not as dangerous as jumping things (virtually all of them, in fact). Dressage – or for something lower key, Western Equitation. Then there are all the kinds of competitions involving trail riding, from arena obstacle classes to 100 mile endurance races, with all sorts of competitions in between, like Competitive Trail, NATRC, and others. Lots of people enjoy Ranch competitions and other cowy sports.
I haven’t read all the replies, but I suspect if you quit with the fall, you’ll have regrets. Can you lease a plunker and plunk around? Do flat work from now on? Lots of older riders can to the beauty of dressage because jumping isn’t in their older bones any longer. Lease something for a few months.
It’s hard to stay brave with the cumulative injuries inevitable when you have horses. I’ve been riding all my life and at 65 simply don’t have the confidence or flexibility I used to. I think the only solution is the right horse in the right setting. On the right horse, we can keep riding and having fun for a very long time. The wrong horse will break us and put an end to the fun real quick. I used to love to gallop and jump first flight, start the babies etc etc. Now I have to accept that in order to stay brave and have fun, I need a really broke draft cross and hunt second flight and do some lower level dressage. But you know what, all that is grand fun and I’m looking for a new horse that fits that description as my current one is 21 and nearly as creaky as me.
Only sit on the right horse! Also…yoga.
Would you please say more about this? Which supplements? How do you learn which ones to take?
I am on anxiety meds, but was experiencing crippling anxiety on the brink of panic attacks for no discernible reason. My PCP increased my meds. I had been on the same dose for over a decade. It helped, but didn’t really resolve my issues.
My friend recommended a functional medicine doctor. She ordered a full blood panel including hormones. I had no progesterone to speak of. I take a 100 mg pill each night for 3 weeks, then a week off, and repeat the schedule. It’s literally been amazing and I feel like myself again and have been able to back down the anxiety meds to the lower dose I had been in previously.
It’s essentially hormone therapy, so you do need to consider family history and such for certain health conditions, so it may not be for everyone.
Thank you.
Yes thank you I was interested too
