I you want to play the game SO has set up for you then strip down in the garage and leave your clothes out there - or wash what you wear every day as soon as you are out of them.
When I was in school and came home the days of anatomy cadaver dissection lab, I had to leave my clothes outside. I could not smell them myself, my nose having been immersed in the odor all afternoon. So if the SO has a particularly sensitive smeller, do what you can within reason.
But my guess is that this odor complaint is a selected route to more firmly establish control over you. If a new relationship, run! If not, perhaps couples counseling, but good luck with that, as he seems to see you as the problem. Hope you have maintained separate financials.
@anon55755751 I agree with the others that this is a SO problem. The guy I dated before meeting DH sounds like he would have been fast friends with your SO. He couldn’t even come to the barn without looking disgusted without even getting out of the car. He also didnt like dogs and wouldn probably call them disgusting I pressed. We never lived together and it would have never worked. Your SO’s use of the word “gross” is really off-putting to me. Very childish.
My DH has legit allergies to basically everything, but dander and dust mites in particular. I was worried about that when we talked about moving in with each other having two dogs. HE, however, was reasonable and we were able to compromise that the dogs stay on the main level of the house and away from the upstairs carpeted bedrooms. We also invested in a couple air filters on both floors. My DH’s allergies do not make him an a-hole about the dogs though. They all absolutely love each other, and he does more potty breaks/feedings/walks with them than I do at this point. With horse stuff in the house, we live in a 3 story townhouse. The main level is our garage, an entry way, and our gym. That does make it pretty easy to keep smelly stuff out of our main living areas. With that said, he humors me when I need to throw something horsey in the wash.
When we go somewhere together, I will say we usually dont take my car
It very much sounds like you and your SO’s lifestyles may not be so compatible at a bare minimum.
Short of literally undressing in the garage and keeping your horse-laundry and boots out there (which I was made to do as a kid coming home from my lessons, and fully resent to this day) I can’t think of anything else you can do. It doesn’t sound like your house is being taken over by horse gear, and you’re not wallowing in barn stank if you’re changing and showering immediately upon return. If super smell sensitivity is a new development for your SO, you might encourage him to explore medical reasons for that vs just trying to control all the beings around him. Or if this is a relatively new to you SO, maybe living together just isn’t working out.
But, as I mentioned, I still hold resentment for being made to change my clothes in the garage after coming home from a riding lesson because I was “dirty” and “smelly” - I was even made to sit on a towel in the car on the way home, I was so “gross”. These days… I have a farm. There are saddles sitting on my dining chairs, dirty boots by every door, and I’m usually covered in a light layer of horse dirt and hay 99% of the time. Anyone who doesn’t like horse smells ought not come here.
You might be able to knock down some of the horsiness but then he will target the dogs/cats and as you said, that’s going to be a whole lot more difficult. Ask me how I know. The use of the word “gross” would piss me off, to be honest. That indicates a difference in perspective that I would not be able to bridge, myself.
An ex fiance once told me “if you hadn’t spent so much money on your horse, you wouldn’t be having money problems.” Said about my first horse that had two colic surgeries at 4 and 5yo, with the second one resulting in euthanasia on the table. That relationship ended real quick.
My point is, if animals are a part of your life and your SO can’t cope, then it’s time to 1) get some outside help, or 2) realize that maybe you aren’t a good match.
I know the second option might seem ridiculous/impossible/terrifying, but as someone that’s been there, I promise you there are partners out there that will cherish your kids not call them gross.
To answer some questions, neither the horse, dogs, cats, or SO are new. The “other stuff” going on with the SO is likely midlife crisis type stuff. There are valid conversations to be had as a couple about how our daily lives are organized and how to best do that to meet everyone’s long term priorities and needs.
We both have been workaholics in the extreme for all our adult lives, so inertia has been the default and I am sure there are plenty of opportunities to do better. My MO is simplicity, but to the point I will sacrifice comfort. E.g. I have moved a lot and also hate shopping and caring for knickknacks, so have an aversion to decorating. But our home would be more comfortable and inviting with some art and throw pillows. So even though I don’t want to spend time on those things, I think it will be beneficial long term at this point in my life. I am trying to buy flatware and dishes now to replace the hand-me-downs from my folks when I left for college. I am finding it very difficult.
Similarly, while I think I am doing “good enough” with the horse cleanliness among non horse folks, I have definitely set things up to be easy for my normal pattern of life - otherwise I won’t maintain the behavior. It could actually not be good enough for nonhorse folks and I would be oblivious. I have definitely had barn boots in my office at work before and smelled them by the end of the day. My car also probably perpetually smells even though I can’t smell anything. So, very glad for the validation from you all that I am not overtly underperforming, but the suggestions are appreciated. Treating the situation like an allergy situation is a good starting point.
If this doesn’t bother you, but bothers your SO, make it THEIR job to outfit the house as they see fit, or do it together. Taking something on that you absolutely dislike and isn’t an actual necessity is not the best use of your time.
Honestly, number one priority is getting some counselling. If your SO won’t go with, please go alone. A bunch of us are seeing giant red flags that really shouldn’t be ignored.
Do NOT turn yourself inside out/reinvent yourself/get feeling inadequate as a human and a life partner before you seek outside assistance. You could completely burn yourself out doing exactly what you think/are told is necessary and end up in a relationship mess AND unhappy.
I am currently forcing myself and my husband to hang things on the walls on rainy days. We are both obligated to hang one thing when the weather is crappy.
If we don’t, I know it will never get done. You aren’t alone there!
Sometimes when I thread catches my eye I look back at the other threads created by the poster not to be intrusive but to see if others ring a bell. I either participated or put a fair amount of thought into two of your prior threads. One was on how to be more put together and another was on setting boundaries with anticipated family stress.
I don’t want to push an emotion on to someone. When I read these I feel a sense that you are trying to “fix” you to adhere to external standards or be seen as acceptable.
Do you personally desire throw pillows and new flatware? Does looking put together matter to you or has it been implied by others that it would increase your value in a relationship?
I was in a long term relationship with someone who did a lot of very subtle elevating of expectations to change the power dynamic of our relationship. He was loving but also I was never quite enough. I hope that the responses give you food for thought if nothing else.
Unless there’s a true lack of hygiene I can’t fathom a not new significant other finding your shared pets “gross”.
Ask your SO what changes he would like to see instead of trying to figure it out. Ask your SO to be as honest and direct as they can be and try not to take anything they say personally.
I do agree that buying flatware, pillows, etc for the sake of replacing your hand me downs seems superficial and placing a bandaid on something deeper within. I understand wanting to “make a home” in your house, I am currently struggling with this as well. But there is something deeper going on.
In your first post, you take about the dirt, the barn laundry, etc and then futher down its about decorating.
Ask him what is the root of him starting to make noise about something you enjoy.
DH is the one that cares more about cleaning/organizing/decorating than I do. He’s also got great design taste and we like a lot of the same aesthetics. When we moved in, I gave him full creative control and with the exception of a terrible brown colored accent wall it’s been great! (he knew the brown was bad once it was done thank goodness).
Let SO take the lead if he wants to get throw pillows and flatware. You don’t have to be a part of that. If your SO wants you to care/do more about things he cares about because he thinks you should…that’s problematic.
There’s something else going and SO is just looking for a complaint to give him a way out.
If it’s that big as deal they can help with the cleaning. You aren’t the maid. But I would be investigating the deeper issue
I disagree with this. Replacing hand-me-downs for something you like/looks nice is not superficial and can be beneficial to your mental health. A new item can remind you of how far you have come or fit your tastes more and make you feel better about yourself. It can also be a way of getting rid of bad memories - yes, even in dishes.
Sometimes just repainting or doing a simple change can be enough to change one’s outlook.
That being said, changing just to please someone else, not always good. But for example I have a set of hand-me-down dishes that are chipped and old. Still good, though all except one of the small plates broke over the years. Also, these are dishes I had with my first ex-fiance, which was a bad relationship. Every time I take them out, I remember that relationship (now close to 20 years ago). Getting new ones would not only make me feel good to have nice, new ones that fit my taste, but would also be a way to put the last vestiges of that relationship behind me.
I am not saying the exact same is true for the original poster - but dishes that reflect a low-income past, dishes that do not reflect taste but were gotten because nothing else is available, even dishes bought with a significant other that reflect the new, shared life, can be a mental health lift.
I appreicate that point of view. And I agree with you. When I read the OP’s posts, those things did not seem to matter to her. (that is how I read her postings). And I made a point about making a house into a home and her SO making a stink about her “horse-ness” in the house. He seems to be the one not content. To me, it seemed like something else is amiss and he is using her love of horses as a sticking point for him.
To be clear, I am the one pushing for new nice flatware and plates. The hand me downs are at end of life and I am ready to move on.
I have pathological decision paralysis when it comes to buying nice things, mostly because of the grad school mindset of all extra pennies must be prioritized for emergency savings and horses. I can afford both my horse and 18/10 flatware now.
We have a 3 stall barn and 3 horse paddocks about 40’-50’ from our little rental house. I do not take the same measures that you do but here are some items that I do (no housekeeper and I have been told by my new mother in law that “well your house doesn’t smell like dog like SIL’s does”):
I rotate my laundry detergent scent (I like the brand, just change scents)
vacuum weekly
wash towels and bedding weekly/doormats every few weeks
make a point to wash throw blankets and pillows
rotate melting/scent waxes every few weeks to change the smell (run the on the weekend when I am home)
all laundry goes in the same bin, but we just habitually do laundry every two days or so
riding boots, helmet, clean saddle pads and sometimes saddles, bridles, etc live IN the house
regular cleaning of my truck seats/interior
I don’t always shower right when I come inside from the barn BUT I make a point of not sitting on my sofa/chair/bed when I am still sticky
I’m not sure if this post is a SO issue or a wanting to make my home better issue since we went on the tangent of new dishes…BUT I will say that we (Mr Yankee and I) started doing little updates in the house together. Paint, new blinds, new curtains, new ceiling fans/lighting, dish towels, bedding, etc. We worked on them together, made the choices together and we REALLY love how the house has turned out. It has made us closer, made us appreciate our space more and really healed us through some challenging times.
I agree with everyone else that there’s something else at play & that you’re clearly doing a ton already to mitigate “horse”-ness … but l’ll also toss in a plug for this stuff:
