I agree with everything you are saying. If she is unhappy that is a gamechanger. I wasn’t hearing that in her posts but maybe I missed it?
I can’t tell either.
It reads to me like she had some degree of concern and thought he would acclimate to rural life when in fact it seems to be going the other way, but I can’t speak for anyone else but this:
…is a monumental ask with many ways to compromise on in-between. If he isn’t willing to compromise, my money is he is priming her to make her choose the lifestyle or him so he doesn’t have to.
The guy I dated before my DH did exactly the same thing down to the use of words like “gross” and “nasty” and “disgusting” in relation to anything animal or barn related. When I sold my house that my ex husband and I lived in and moved into the 150 year old (well kept) farmhouse on the 900 acre property I was boarding at…the first time he came to see it, he couldn’t even keep the disgust look off his face. He begrudgingly put together a couple night stands for me, silently, and literally sucked any joy out of it. And there was NO expectation for him to cohabitate either! Didnt last much longer after that.
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But the OP hasn’t come out and asked her partner exactly what is wrong and why he’s so unhappy about everything either. No he doesn’t seem to be communicating well, but she could come straight out and ask what gives.
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I bet. What a jerk!
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Completely agree.
Having been with a guy that sounds like her partner to some degree…I can say it can be temping to try and just fix whatever the issue is because bringing it up will cause a fight that will likely never be resolved. I chose to walk away from that type of dynamic but many people dont. There are a lot of avoidant people out there. Its hard to really tell with limited insight.
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My husband never dreamed of the rural lifestyle (with horses!) like I did. But he made it happen for 15 years, so I could have what I wanted. He took care of the house, all the land and all the critters, while I supported us. It helped that he was already a dog person, and he liked horses well enough, just wasn’t addicted like I was. He was a stay at home dad, which really freed me up to focus on my career.
We made a deal when we adopted three older horses–when they died, we would not replace them. Two of them eventually were euthanized due to age-related issues, and the last one hung on after he was retired from driving. DH felt done with all the work associated with having the land, and the remaining pony was lonely, so I boarded the pony, and we moved to a condo while we decided where we would live in retirement. I had just quit my job and did not want to find another.
We ended up moving to South Carolina, and my retired pony came with us. He was boarded again. I was lucky to find good situations for him, and he finally died in his 30s.
DH was close to 70 when he said he was done with all the heavy work. I really couldn’t argue with that, as much as I would have liked to have more horses. We also agreed on no more dogs, so we could travel freely. Neither of us are cat people. The part I have the hardest time with is not having a dog, but we can kidnap our granddog for a visit whenever we like–our daughter lives about five miles away and is happy to oblige any time we want a dog visit. And being able to just lock the door and walk away for a day or a month is a big deal.
We are back in a condo in Colorado. I think we would both prefer a single family house, but DH didn’t want to keep up a yard and shovel snow, and I can’t do it. It’s a nice condo in a very nice area, and like I said, close to our daughter, who was the main reason we moved back to Colorado.
The point of my long-winded response is, have you considered a compromise by setting a time limit for having the animals? That may be unacceptable to you, and if it is, then just ignore the suggestion. But it did make it work for DH and I wanting very different things out of our lifestyle. We’ve been together for 44 years, living in a lot of different places and in a lot of different ways over the years.
Rebecca
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Sounds like a plan! I am very sensitive to smells as well as extremely organized LOL. So my keeping my house neat and smell free is for my own sanity. I won’t say it is sparkling…cat hair in the corners and shavings in the hallway are only cleaned weekly. 
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Really easy to rid a house of horse smells by adding a wet dog to the house
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I’m currently growing spilled wheat in the bed of my truck. It’s now a joke between me and DH he’ll ask me how the wheat is coming along 
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I’m lucky in that my house has a detached garage that the previous owners finished off to create an office. It’s big enough to serve as an office/tack room for me. Everything horsey, including boots, lives out there. My house back door opens into the laundry room so if necessary, I can strip off and deposit clothes directly into the washing machine.
At my last house, the laundry “room” was right outside the back door in a small shed, so I was able to do the same thing there. Horse and barn stuff never had to enter the house.
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I thought of this thread (and laughed at how I was failing horribly at keeping horse stuff out of the house) when I moved some hay around and made some hay bags while wearing very not horse appropriate shoes, which meant I had lots of hay stuck all over my socks when I was done. I shook my feet off before going inside, but I for sure brought in lots of itty bits of hay clinging to my socks.
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I’m late to the conversation here, but I feel that I can relate a bit. I don’t think my non-horsey, grew up in a spotless, pet free suburban house DH had a clue what living on a horse farm would entail.
My gestalt reading your post is that you are overall doing a great job being clean and considerate about keeping the “horse” out of your house, and that your husband’s complaints are too vague for you to act on. I think you might need to get curious about this situation and sit down and ask your husband more questions about what is bothering him. What exactly is he experiencing that bothers him? Odor? Horse hair? The smell of your barn shoes wafting in from the garage when the door opens? Does he have any suggestions about what would make him feel better? Is there an allergy component? Is there a sensory component? Is it possible that you just sitting down with him and really listening and asking questions about what specifically bothers him would help him feel that you are taking his concerns seriously?
One thing I would hear in your husbands words if I were in your shoes is that he just doesn’t like the horses and cats and dogs, or the time or energy you are spending on them, no matter what you do–and I think it would be worth asking him to clarify that that is not the case. I think chances are it is NOT the case. But I also don’t think you have all the information here about what is going on.
My own DH can’t stand me having helmet head or having the smell of the barn in my hair–something I never really noticed previously and wow, it turns out hair can hold a lot of odor. Easily solved with washable helmet liners, fresh smelling helmet cleaner spray and dry shampoo. He also can’t stand me tracking itty bitty bits of hay and hay dust into the house, either in my hair or in my clothes. (I can’t touch a bale of hay without 1/10th of it going straight into my bra.) So I undress and shake out in the mudroom and I have a vacuum handy to clean up evidence.
One thing I’ve realized over the years, is that (aside from his allergies) there’s a mental component, he wants to feel like our house is a tidy sanctum.
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Isn’t that the truth!?
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My own spouse’s bright line was when I came in from body clipping. It was a combination of the smell of the blade wash (usually diesel or kerosene), and the hair absolutely everywhere.
I would change clothes at the barn or in the garage, bag the dirty laundry and wash as well as I could before coming into the house.
I didn’t think this was unreasonable. The clipping clothes going directly into the washer was always part of my routine, and I always showered as soon as I got home. Not subjecting my spouse to me after freshly body clipping a couple of horses seemed to be a small concession.
When I was riding multiple horses a day, especially when I was galloping racehorses, I always used a bandana under my helmet and used a fresh one every day. I would also wipe out my helmet with baby wipes or give it a little spritz of Lysol before hanging it up for the day because it could get pretty ripe. However, my helmet lived in the tack room or sometimes in my car, so that was less of a thing.
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Thank you everyone for the suggestions!
After reviewing all the comments, I can let everyone know that I am probably not doing laundry often enough. That alone might help make our space smell fresher and cleaner on the daily, whether or not there is recognizable horse/dog smell.
Cleaning/decluttering the laundry room will help with this too and is on my todo list, just has not come up to the top of the priority list.
I can also do a better job sweeping the mudroom and keeping it decluttered. These will all be positive beneficial things for everyone, including the house cleaner who can’t actually clean that area thoroughly now.
I also like @Displaced_Yankee’s idea about rotating scents to keep everyone from going noseblind about odors in the house (hopefully myself included) and @BeeHoney’sand McGurks suggestions about helmet and hair odor. My hair indeed smells like horse after the barn, and I like that but can let it go.
So yes, on the right track but definitely see tweaks to the current routine that should have an impact.
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I hope your husband appreciates what you will be doing to keep him happy, and doesn’t add additional demands.
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Doing it for me.
I deserve to live in a space that is comfortable and welcoming. We deserve to keep this place in a condition that we can have guests over without having to spend an entire weekend deep cleaning - regardless of whether there are animals around.
There will always be some amount of animal hair I won’t apologize for, but plenty of other horse and dog people I know do the above successfully, so I don’t see why I should not be able to do that too.
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Keeping the house like that is not all on you.
Sure, you should not take your boots off and leave them in the middle of a room, but past that, keeping the house tidy is a job for all the members of the household, not just one of them.
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One thing I’ve found helps for helmet hair is I keep a little bag of charcoal in my helmet bag. That absorbs the odor between wearings beautifully. I bought this three-pack and keep one in my car as well.
https://www.canadiantire.ca/en/pdp/armor-all-odour-absorbing-charcoal-bag-3-pk-0372899p.html
I also will wear a bandana to cover my hair (it’s a bula tube style one) while at the farm if I am going somewhere afterwards with a friend who is allergic to horses. We usually meet monthly for lunch and I often come straight from the farm. Just this little step really helps if I don’t have time to go home and shower before meeting her. I change my clothes at the barn and tie my hair back and voila- good to go.
My DH plays hockey (goalie) and I cannot stand the smell of his hands … ew sweaty goalie gloves. He showers at the rink (he has always done this) and as soon as he comes home he goes straight to the bathroom and washes his hands REALLY well.
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Having freshly washed and still wet hair, and wetting the bandana helps even more … if you have a hairstyle that can handle drying (or partly drying) under a bandana. This works so well, I used it in the summertime in a dairy barn (STINKY) on occasions I had to go right to my office to work for a while before showering.
