Horses and Relationships

[ChesapeakeBay]

Hello COTH Forum members.

I am sure this topic has been discussed here before, but I am stressed to the max and burnt out on trying to explain this myself, so I am looking to see if anyone here has any useful suggestions.

I have been involved in the horse world in some way or another for nearly 25 years, and during much of that time, I have owned horses. And while I do have other interests, horses are by far my passion. In my younger years I took lessons, went to the occasional clinic, and participated in horse shows from time to time. Now, I keep just three low maintenance horses to enjoy that I have had for 15-18 years and are kept semi-retired at my parents’ small farm. It is hard for me to imagine not having horses - they have just always been there.

I am now two years into a relationship and engaged to a non-horsey man. He was brought up in a farming family and continues to raise a few beef and other animals, make hay, etc and has a solid occupation off the farm. Like any relationship has it’s ups and downs, we have one major recurring conflict - horses. From the first week I made it known that horses were important to me, and that I wouldn’t be giving them up, they are a part of me. This has caused more scuffles than I can count over the last 2 years - they’re hayburners/nags/money pits/worthless/insert-adjective-here. Especially when the time comes around for me to pay a large horse-related bill - such as buying hay for the winter, etc. I have tried countless ways to explain horses to him, to no avail. While he’s hopped on a few times, he thinks riding in a ring is dull and going to a horse show is reserved for the rich elite and that I should quit chasing meaningless dreams. Always asking, “well how do you expect to keep horses when we start a family? Think of all the money you could be saving.” Contrary to his belief, I manage to keep my horses well and not spend a fortune. The most recent issue being when he asked how much hay I will need this winter I inquired as to the quality and he replied, “what does it matter? They’re old nags.” Could I put that hay/vet/farrier money to something else? Of course, but I’d probably be lost. I feel sometimes that he sees them more as an inconvenience and not something that makes me happy.

I recently had this discussion with a horsey friend, now a mom, who was in a very similar situation. It took her husband 3 years before he realized and accepted that horses were there and part of the package. I see other women all the time who manage a job/career, horses and family - I don’t see why I couldn’t either.

I’ll also add that I don’t “live in my barn,” that while I enjoy my horse time, I also spend plenty of time doing things with him that he likes to do (even if I’m not entirely interested, such as fishing, or Harley Davidson rallies…).

So my questions are thus - Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that? Did you give up the horse in favor of the relationship? How do you manage time between your job, family, and horses? Are there any good articles online that explain what it’s like to be in a relationship with a horse person? Helpful perspectives are welcome.

[enjoytheride]

Walk Away from the man.

There are more understanding and supportive men out there.

[Lady_Eboshi]

[QUOTE=ChesapeakeBay;8225316]
Hello COTH Forum members.

I am sure this topic has been discussed here before, but I am stressed to the max and burnt out on trying to explain this myself, so I am looking to see if anyone here has any useful suggestions.

I have been involved in the horse world in some way or another for nearly 25 years, and during much of that time, I have owned horses. And while I do have other interests, horses are by far my passion. In my younger years I took lessons, went to the occasional clinic, and participated in horse shows from time to time. Now, I keep just three low maintenance horses to enjoy that I have had for 15-18 years and are kept semi-retired at my parents’ small farm. It is hard for me to imagine not having horses - they have just always been there.

I am now two years into a relationship and engaged to a non-horsey man. He was brought up in a farming family and continues to raise a few beef and other animals, make hay, etc and has a solid occupation off the farm. Like any relationship has it’s ups and downs, we have one major recurring conflict - horses. From the first week I made it known that horses were important to me, and that I wouldn’t be giving them up, they are a part of me. This has caused more scuffles than I can count over the last 2 years - they’re hayburners/nags/money pits/worthless/insert-adjective-here. Especially when the time comes around for me to pay a large horse-related bill - such as buying hay for the winter, etc. I have tried countless ways to explain horses to him, to no avail. While he’s hopped on a few times, he thinks riding in a ring is dull and going to a horse show is reserved for the rich elite and that I should quit chasing meaningless dreams. Always asking, “well how do you expect to keep horses when we start a family? Think of all the money you could be saving.” Contrary to his belief, I manage to keep my horses well and not spend a fortune. The most recent issue being when he asked how much hay I will need this winter I inquired as to the quality and he replied, “what does it matter? They’re old nags.” Could I put that hay/vet/farrier money to something else? Of course, but I’d probably be lost. I feel sometimes that he sees them more as an inconvenience and not something that makes me happy.

I recently had this discussion with a horsey friend, now a mom, who was in a very similar situation. It took her husband 3 years before he realized and accepted that horses were there and part of the package. I see other women all the time who manage a job/career, horses and family - I don’t see why I couldn’t either.

I’ll also add that I don’t “live in my barn,” that while I enjoy my horse time, I also spend plenty of time doing things with him that he likes to do (even if I’m not entirely interested, such as fishing, or Harley Davidson rallies…).

So my questions are thus - Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that? Did you give up the horse in favor of the relationship? How do you manage time between your job, family, and horses? Are there any good articles online that explain what it’s like to be in a relationship with a horse person? Helpful perspectives are welcome.[/QUOTE]

. . . and you want to marry this guy WHY? He doesn’t respect who YOU are as a person–your horses have been a part of you your entire life!

I’d run, not walk. You’re looking at a very unhappy marriage and a quick divorce if you don’t.

[Pipkin]

The point isn’t that they like horses. It’s that they respect that you do.

I also would run. Well, maybe have a frank discussion first, but yeah this is not something I’d tolerate.

[HungarianHippo]

Please do not commit your life to someone who deliberately and consistently cuts you down. This is not some trivial hobby. You deserve better.

Have you ever asked him to stop? From now on, don’t engage in the specific accusation (hay too expensive, farrier bill, or whatever the current complaint is)-- respond to what’s really going on, which is that he wants you to give up horses. So each time, say flat out, “I do no plan to ever give up horses, and when you criticize it, you are criticizing something that is central to who I am. I’m asking you to accept it as part of my life. Will you do that?”

If that’s not something you can see yourself saying to him, you have your answer. If you say it / have said it, and it continues, you have your answer.

[stb]

Run. Run like the wind. He sounds selfish and not very nice. My husband isn’t a horse person at all, but he knows they make me happy, and he wants me to be happy, so he fully supports my horse hobby. Fully - as in, I don’t even work, my husband foots the entire bill, and he encouraged me to buy my horse.

[Pipkin]

As an aside, my dad sent me this; https://www.reddit.com/r/clarkson/comments/36hdrq/clarksons_sunday_times_article_moneys_no_object/

And it is so true. Yeah, you need a certain type of man who puts up with all that

[ElementFarm]

agree. Walk away. or Run.
I have three very close friends and several other folks I’m friendly with, who’ve either divorced or had unhappy marriages, with the root cause being the issues you mention.
Their (ex) husbands constantly complained about the time and money the horses took. They felt threatened by their wive’s interest that wasn’t them, and were controlling and jealous of all the time the wife spent at the barn.
It didn’t “get better” over the years, it got worse and everyone was miserable. In a few cases, the wife gave up horses and dedicated everything to family. Most, however found the jealous and controlling nature of the husband extended into other things, and got out of the marriage. Some are remarried now (to supportive men who respect their wife’s hobby and passion) and all of them are happier.
that was a long story. I’m lucky enough to have a DH who, while not as passionate about the horses as I am, is supportive of them and allows us to dedicate family time and money. I think any marriage that is happy and enduring, both partners have to be supportive of eachother, and not disparaging and controlling.
Find a supportive, different significant other and have a shot at long-term happiness, with the horses as part of the family.

[Wicky]

Men who won’t understand horses and act like this will also not understand or tolerate anything that is not THEIR passion. Do you want to subjugate all of your passions to his?

This is an immature man. Leave now before you find that you’ve wasted years on this argument, and you are entangled by (real) children you love. He wants to be your child too.

I am so sorry, I see nothing good coming out of this relationship.

[cayuse]

I bet he “understands” that horses are a part of your life, he just doesn’t like it. And that won’t change.

[RedmondDressage]

I hate to say it but I’m with the others. I’m 6 years deep in a relationship that is basically in it’s death throes. Other things have contributed to that as well but the resentment of the horses is one of the larger issues on my side. Please don’t give up your passion for a man and please don’t put up with those kind of crap comments. Trust me, it gets exhausting and causes so much stress and resentment - it’s not worth it. Anyone who would ask you to give up something you love and that makes you happy doesn’t truly love you and there are a million other guys out there that will be happy with the entire package that you offer.

[BeeHoney]

Part of being a good partner/husband/wife to someone is understanding that something that is important to THEM might be different than something that is important to YOU (and vice versa) and respecting that. It’s a respect issue. I have NO interest in some of my DH’s pursuits, but I respect his right to have his own interests and spend a reasonable amount of time/money/effort pursuing them. I expect the same in return–I’m okay that my DH isn’t a horse lover, but just because it’s not important to him doesn’t mean he can belittle it.

Obviously there is a middle ground that is dictated by finances, the need for time together, and the fact that both people need to contribute to supporting and maintaining the household, kids, etc. And, personally I think it is okay to have occasional squabbles defining the “middle ground” especially when it affects the other partner financially or time wise, and especially when there are large family responsibilities like kids involved.

Horses are particularly tough for a spouse to understand because they are expensive, time consuming, and there can be some ups and downs to keeping them including some occasional very sad and difficult times (despite all the time and money expended). In your SO’s case, he is used to looking at farm animals as a source of income, not as a hobby. It might be easier for him to understand if you spend $$$ every month on something that was obviously frivolous like shopping or getting your hair/nails done.

Anyway, I think you need to work on this issue before you get married. In your case it sounds like it’s not just about the horses, it’s about respect. It’s fine if you have to periodically discuss money or time spent on the horses (and the same goes for his hobbies!), but it’s not okay for him to belittle something that is important to you. How would he feel if you went around making remarks about how stupid his fishing trips are or what a dumb waste of time his Harley Davidson rallies are? I mean, seriously, talk about a ridiculous waste of time–sitting in an $$$$$ boat, with all kinds of expensive equipment, wasting all day sitting there, just to catch some poor fish that you could have bought at the grocery store for $20 and 30 minutes of your time?

If your SO is the sort that can take a step back and try to understand that he needs to respect what is important to you–whether it’s horses, or your relationship with your parents, or your job–then I think your chances are good with him. If he’s the kind that is sure he’s right, then I don’t think you are ever going to make progress on this issue.

[lesson_junkie]

If you’re looking for advice on how to change his mind, or ways to learn how to live with the horses being marginalized, you’ve come to the wrong place.

Lady E is has it completely right-it’s not that he doesn’t respect the horses, he doesn’t respect you.

[Bluey]

He doesn’t show any respect for you and what you like.
That it is horses, “nags???” is secondary, would be whatever else you liked very much, if you didn’t like horses.
People like that enter relationships to have someone to lord it over and push around, is the way they run.
Don’t be that someone, doesn’t make for a happy life.

[saddleup]

My late husband wasn’t into horses, didn’t really understand the appeal.

But he never complained about the cost or the time, because he knew they were important to me. We were transferred to another state and all the changes necessitated me selling my horse. So I was horseless for two years. And he turned to me one day and said “Would you do me a favor? Buy a horse!”

Because he knew that would make me happy, and my happiness mattered.

Don’t settle for less than that. I got into horses years after we’d married, and was lucky enough to have a supportive husband. If I had been immersed in the sport while dating a guy, and he gave me grief, no way would I marry him. It would only get worse. And I’d have only myself to blame when everything fell apart.

[SharonA]

“Did you give up the horse in favor of the relationship?”

Tell me you’re not f-ing serious. Two years of this guy beating down your interests and dismissing what makes you happy? What, exactly, do you think will happen if you have children, and then have to juggle children, job, horses, oh, and I forgot, his huge freakin’ ass and its particular view of what HE thinks should be important?

There is no reason to continue to date someone who doesn’t get a big grin out of seeing you getting a big grin out of a healthy, accessible passion that you can afford.

Lose this Neanderthal and give yourself a chance to 1) enjoy being whoever you are as an adult single woman with a job, friends, and interests, and then 2) be available when some nice guy, who is secure enough in himself to welcome you having your own interests (or who will share them), comes a callin’.

[WannabeDQ]

Relationships are all about compromise. It sounds to me like you both need to communicate and come to an agreement. Perhaps he would agree to having horses if you cut down to only one or two? You will have to give some, as will he.

My husband is ok with the horses as long as it doesn’t infringe on our family time. So no dumping the kids on him to run off to the barn all weekend (darn!). It means I have to do a lot of early week day mornings, riding with one eye on my three year old playing next to the ring, etc. It works for us - I do what I love, he doesn’t get resentful.

If you can’t communicate and compromise then I’m afraid you have larger issues than the horses.

[IdahoRider]

I agree with those that say this is a respect issue and not a horse issue. His respect for you and your ability to make choices should be enough for him to leave it alone, even if if he doesn’t “get it” or even share your passion.

That being said? You need to sit him down and tell him that you don’t need him to get it. Or approve of it. You just need him to respect it as your choice. He isn’t a mind reader and he can’t know this unless you tell him.

If he continues with the comments, etc., after you have explained the way of your world regarding horses? Walk away. Life is too short to fight for every little bit of ground you need to stand on.
Sheilah

[ako]

It’s not about horses. It’s about love and respect, neither of which is apparent in how he treats you.

Sorry to be so blunt, but this guy is abusive and controlling. He doesn’t respect you, your choices, and, I suspect his real issue is that you love your horses, not just the expense. In fact, it sounds as if expenses are the least of your worries.

This guy is not nice. At all. You don’t need him in your life. Find someone better or go it alone. You will be happier without him.

Just thinking about my non-riding husband talking about my beloved beasts that way makes me upset. I can’t imagine it. Those words would just cut into my heart - and note that is clearly the intention.

<<HUGS>>

[Posting_Trot]

I agree with most of the comments here.

I am married to a very non-horsey man. He really does not get the horse thing at all. He’s never said any of these things.

As a couple of posters have said, this behavior isn’t really about the horses, it’s about you. He wants to control you and keep you from doing something that you are passionate about.

You’ve been going out with him for 2 years. If this behavior was going to change, it would have already.

It isn’t going to work. Even if you decided to give up the horses, he would just find something else to complain about.

When people show you who they are, believe them.