Horses and Relationships

[jawa]

By your description, it doesn’t sound like it’s a good match for a marriage. Mainly because he doesn’t sound mature enough to tell you what his true issues are with horse ownership, showing, etc. Rather than delve into what his true issue is, he takes digs at you and what he knows you are passionate about.

I’m sure there are some people who have given up their time with horses, I’m not sure they would be on this BB.

You have to go with the Dear Abbey frame of mind: Are you better off with him or without him? Does he add enough to your life to make the absence of your passion OK? Only you can answer that question.

[ako]

AND… IGNORE ALL advice to compromise. This is very important. Compromising should be reserved only for relationships worth keeping. This guy is controlling and abusive, there must be no compromise. Walk away.

I’m almost worried for you, OP. No joke. Not saying this guy is an ax murderer, but he’s abusive. He may never, ever get physical, but the emotional abuse has started and it will NOT get better.

[cschattner]

Ya I don’t do one sided relationships. When I had a significant other I didn’t give a rats ass about there hobbies. That was there thing and as long as they paid for it I didn’t mind at all.
The second they started complaining or giving me snide comments about the money pit I told them to hit the road. If they didn’t respect me now before a ring got on my finger, they where not going to respect me after.
I never asked for a penny for the horses from anyone and I will never do it.

Personally I call marriage: The biggest financial suicide of a persons life. If I ever do get another significant other (most likely not it’s been 4 years and I like my freedom) I wont get married and I wont mix finances. My money and bills are my money and bills and theirs is theirs. That way they cant bitch about me spending my money on in their opinion “stupid stuff” because they don’t know what I spend.

[Horzgurl]

Just wondering if you have considered how you will feel about this in 2 more years? How about in 5 or 10 years? If you enter into a committed relationship with this man, this conflict has the potential to become one of the biggest things about your relationship because it is a MAJOR disagreement between the two of you.
Also consider this–right now severing ties with this man will not be nearly as complicated as it will become once you are married and your lives and finances are mingled together. Leaving then will be much tougher. Just some food for thought…

[newhorsemommy]

Now it’s the horses. If you get rid of the horses, he’ll find something else to bitch about and try to remove from your life.

SO not worth it.

[arapaloosa_lady]

[QUOTE=BeeHoney;8225386]
Anyway, I think you need to work on this issue before you get married. In your case it sounds like it’s not just about the horses, it’s about respect. It’s fine if you have to periodically discuss money or time spent on the horses (and the same goes for his hobbies!), but it’s not okay for him to belittle something that is important to you. [/QUOTE]

Wise words

It sounds like you two aren’t communicating well right now. He doesn’t understand how much it hurts you when he belittles your hobby, nor respect the money that you need to provide for good welfare for your animals.

My church requires pre-marital counseling, and part of it is discussing things like this carefully. You don’t need to go through a church, but I do think the principle holds true - it’s very important to have the difficult discussions now. You don’t want to get married thinking you can change him, nor do you want to just blindly concede something that makes you so happy.

[WNT]

Been there, done that, got the H-e-double hockey sticks outta there.

My husband doesn’t “get” the horse “thing” but he knows it makes me a happier person.

[Foxtrot_s]

this makes me grateful for what I have… We both have our passions, he has his fishing, and I have my riding.

But my husband has never, ever, made me feel I am a drain or that the horses are not important. Indeed he loves her, buys her her special aniseed candies and puts her to be every night. Yet he never comes to her outings, or shows or lessons and I wish he would. Have come to terms with it now.

But I do appreciate he is supportive and proud of her. And our kids, too. The girls rode and he never quibbled.

[DancingArabian]

You would think that someone into Harleys could kind of understand the whole horse thing. What in the world does one do at a Harley raffle that is so awesome and amazing and leaps and bounds beyond anything done at a horse show? Do you get a ribbon for having the most obnoxiously loud motorcycle?

He doesn’t have to like the horse thing. He really doesn’t have to get it, either. He needs to respect that it’s your love and that’s that. Imagine how bossy and pushy he would be if you had a kid. You’d probably be raising it alone while he went to play with his motorcycles and go fishing.

Saddle up, get into a nice working canter, and ride off into the sunset.

[Dreamwalker]

"Always asking, “well how do you expect to keep horses when we start a family?”

He’s telling you who he is right there. The guy you should marry would say: ‘hey I’m worried about the expense of horses when we start a family. How about we discuss this and see what we can work out?’ Your compromise might include giving up horses or Harley’s for a period but it would be a decision that you came to together

The man you are with wants exclusive rights to call the shots, he’s not wanting to have a discussion and decide this together.
Ditch him.
If it’s not horses it will be something else and it will never get better. You will be always hearing things like: how can you think of getting back into horses/ having another hobby now, we need a bigger house/ vacation/pay for kids education/ save for retirement.

Of course having a marriage, family and full time work can be done. Lots of us do it every day. The difference between us and you is that we are part of a marriage partnership, both partners having interests and supporting each other in them.

[Bombproof]

I hate to say it, but I think this relationship is doomed. If your partner has so little respect for you that he constantly puts down something so important to you, you aren’t going to make it. If you give up your horses to “make him happy” you will inevitably resent it and every time you look at him, you’ll see the guy who stole your passion. To put it bluntly, the problem is not the horses; it’s the man. He doesn’t have to participate in or even like everything you do, but he has to be polite about it. He disrespects you and IMO that’s unacceptable in a relationship.

[Callista17]

I dated a man for 13 YEARS that said the same thing- no horses. I’d hoped he would respect my hobby over time, see my passion, understand that my higher salary than his would pay their bills. He was my best friend. Key word- WAS. As hard as it was, I walked away.

A year later, found a wonderful man that doesn’t have horses, or any horse experience. He has beef cattle and chickens, an outside job, probably has NO intention of sitting on top of a horse, but loves me. He says he’s willing to learn how to take care of them, proposed to me on Triple Crown day, and didn’t bat an eyelash when I said I wanted to spend some of the profit from the eventual sale of my house on a nice show horse. I’d much rather be with him, and be happy with my horses. Oh! And we are planning a larger family (he has kids), part of the reason he wants to learn how to take care of my horses.

No WAY I’d give up my hobby for a man…It’s part of who I am.

[AKB]

My husband did not understand about the horses for the first few years of our marriage. Then, he realized that we could both work, own the horses, and have the kids, by buying a house with room for the horses and not boarding. He has occasionally said something about the horse expenses over the years, but not on a regular basis. My husband is frugal/cheap, so it took a long time for him to realize that I was going to have air conditioning in my car, was not going to let him set the home thermostat at 55 degrees (just warm enough to keep the pipes in the outside walls from freezing) in the winter, and that I planned to buy groceries at my grocery store of choice rather than comparing prices on canned beans in 3 stores. His objection to the horses was not really about the horses. It was about being frugal, and also about whether he could boss me around to get me to change my lifestyle to be a miser.

Be careful before you marry this guy. If there is enough money to care for the horses, he needs to find a way to include them in the budget. If there isn’t enough money for the horses and for him, he needs to get cut out of the budget. Tell him you won’t marry him until there is plenty of money for the horses to get good care. A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. You don’t need him if he is going to make your life miserable.

[rubles]

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard such a story except both times, a marriage was in place.
In the horse-related story, the horse barn was needed for boat storage. Successful show mares were sold instead of being bred and boats took over the barn. Please bear in mind more than enough money and acreage was available for a new structure.
Second incident involved show dogs. Hubby in this story demanded wife’s successful show wining male be neutered.
I lost touch of both wives but always wondered about the outcome.
I think your man is cut from the same cloth.

[asb_own_me]

OP, you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been covered. I’m one of the lucky ones married to a man who had never been on a horse before we met, but it was never a problem. He might not really understand it, but he gets it.

We’ve since bought and sold horses, he learned to ride, he even showed a little…we moved out of town to an acreage so I could have my horses at home. This spring he emptied an account he’d been using to saving for something for himself (for his hobby) to pay for the bulk of my new outdoor arena.

You will find someone who respects what matters to you. You can begin the journey to find that someone once you’ve divested yourself of this man, who clearly would be happier with a Stepford wife than a real, live, breathing, feeling woman with interests, hobbies and opinions of her own.

Good luck.

[spotmenow]

[QUOTE=ChesapeakeBay;8225316]

So my questions are thus - Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that? Did you give up the horse in favor of the relationship? How do you manage time between your job, family, and horses? Are there any good articles online that explain what it’s like to be in a relationship with a horse person? Helpful perspectives are welcome.[/QUOTE]

I agree with the others…it isn’t so much about the horses as it is his lack of respect for who you are as a person. Don’t change who you are for any man…just my $0.02.

[cutter99]

Wow!!! All I can say is hell must have frozen over because there is a concensious here on COTH tonight!!!

And I do agree with all mentioned above!!!

[Impractical_Horsewoman]

I agree a thousand times over with the other posters. What it boils down to is that he resents the fact that you care about something that is not ‘him.’ That is a dangerous, dangerous sign.

[sunridge1]

“When they show you who they are, believe them.” For realz.

[heronponie]

Can you imagine if the OP was actively participating in the sport while dating this guy?

I mean really, 3 older horses in her parents’ backyard is like the least intrusive version of dating a horse girl ever…