My husband doesn’t care for the horses but he also knows that I am not very nice to be around when I don’t ride.
OP, I am so so sorry you are in this position. Walking away from a 2 year relationship and engagement is exceptionally hard. But not as hard as walking away from a marriage.
This is not going anywhere good for either of you. He’s going to become more and more pushy about the horses and resentful of you. You are either going to give up the horses or fight him tooth and nail about every horse related thing. Which will make you resentful of him. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life?
If you read other similar posts, you will see many of us supporting the SO and explaining to the poster that they must also take time to focus on their SO. Life can’t be all about horses (unless you want it to be, but that’s a different situation). But you already do that. Your horses are low maintained, relatively inexpensive, and you spend time and energy dedicated to him and your relationship. He’s the problem this time.
As others have said, this isn’t about him not liking the horses. Many of us have SOs who don’t like horses. Actually, I would guess most do not. But they respect the fact that we do, and understand that they are in integral part of our life. And they’re here to stay.
He has had every opportunity to learn to accept that, and he hasn’t. It’s time to move on. It’s going to be unbelievably hard, but not as hard as if you wait.
Good luck, OP.
Wow, OP what a sh***Y spot you are in. My heart goes out to you. Just one question: Can you live the rest of your life like this? With him putting you or your interests down? (Okay - that was two - sue me :lol: )
I mean, anyone I’m in a relationship with either better like animals too or at least respect my interests. JUST AS I WOULD RESPECT THEIRS.
Just move on. Better now than later. (((Hugs to you.)))
Saddle up, get into a nice working canter, and ride off into the sunset.
I love this sentence. And this advice.
I agree with what everyone else here has said, OP.
Run.
No one gets to dictate your happiness and your happiness cannot be compromised for someone else’s.
Today it’s the horses, but what will it be tomorrow? The kids? The state you live in? The car you drive? The friends you keep?
Don’t compromise your life and your passions for another person; it never, ever ends well.
Best of luck, OP.
One of my two horsey sisters said, “If you’re truly a horse person, you don’t feel complete without a horse in your life” and I agree with her 100%. OP, it sounds like you’re a horse person. You want a man who makes you more complete, not less.
[QUOTE=DancingArabian;8225488]
You would think that someone into Harleys could kind of understand the whole horse thing. What in the world does one do at a Harley raffle that is so awesome and amazing and leaps and bounds beyond anything done at a horse show? Do you get a ribbon for having the most obnoxiously loud motorcycle?[/QUOTE]
This. Harleys and their rallies are just as “pointless” as riding horses in a ring, and yet he not only attends, he seems to want you along. So’s fishing, for that matter - generally the investment in gear, gas, food, etc is more than you get in actual fish (provided he’s even fishing for keeps, not releasing).
The point is the enjoyment of them, because they’re hobbies. A man who has hobbies should be able to understand that you have them too, whether they seem “pointless” to him or not. My mom can’t see anything vaguely interesting in my dad’s fishing, but she doesn’t complain about trips across the country or even internationally with his fishing club, because… that’s his freaking hobby. It makes him happy.
This is, fundamentally, a man who doesn’t care what makes you happy. If it’s something he doesn’t like or understand, he wants it cut out of your lives.
It’s amazing when you find the right one, you realize how much work the other guys were previously. A good relationship shouldn’t be so much work and strife.
It’s worth the wait to find the right person, whom you just mesh with naturally. You’re worth it. 
Dump him.
:yes:
If you need one more person chiming in, I ditto most of the previous posts.
I’ve been in committed relationships with both kinds of guys: the ones who love and respect me, and the abusive a**holes. I’m going to repeat this again, because it’s important: It’s not truly about the horses. It’s about control and respect and you having something else in your life that makes you happy.
This is not going to improve, no matter how far you bend or how much you give up. As someone pointed out upthread: When someone shows you who he is, believe him.
A true life partner, whether or not he is at all into horses, will respect the fact that you love your horses and they make you happy, and will keep that in mind when you discuss finances, time commitments, and the future.
Been there, done that and dumped the guy. Much happier and now have a horse loving DH. It’s a control issue.
[QUOTE=Coanteen;8225760]
This. Harleys and their rallies are just as “pointless” as riding horses in a ring, and yet he not only attends, he seems to want you along.[/QUOTE]
Should we assume that he owns a Harley or would like to own a Harley? Have you asked him to give up the Harley? Or stop spending so much time on the Harley? How would he respond to that?
I agree with everyone else. This man is not the right one for you. There ARE men out there who are not ‘horsey’ but will still support you and your love for horses. My DH is not and never was a horse person but he puts up hay with me every summer, stands in the barn waiting for the vet when there’s an emergency, chases my run-away pony in a thunderstorm, fixes fence in sub-zero temperatures, etc, etc. He has never once complained about any of my horse-related expenses would bend over backwards to help me accomplish my goals. This doesn’t mean he’s perfect but he doesn’t ever try to force me to compromise on the things that are truly important. If horses make you who you are, please don’t compromise that for anyone. Listen to everyone here and trust your gut - I get the feeling that you know this isn’t right. Best wishes!
In short: Kept the horse. Got a new husband. End of problems.
You need to have a serious discussion with him to ensure he understands just how much this hurts you. He needs to understand that horses are a part of your life, and not something you can just give up.
I am curious as to how this all works. Three horses is not a cheap endeavor. Does he pay any of their bills? Does he contribute more to the household finances? Does he assist with their care?
I am asking these things not because I think his behavior is acceptable, but I am trying to understand where it is coming from. He has built up resentment somehow. Do you know why? Getting to the root of that is going to determine whether this is something worth salvaging, or if you just need to walk away.
As others have mentioned relationships are about compromise. But saying “accept my horses or else” is no more of a compromise than saying “horses suck you shouldn’t have them.”
My DH has NO interest in the horses. He accepts that I ride, he does not begrudge me the time, and he even in many instances picks up slack (e.g. laundry, cooking etc) to give me time at the farm.
Together, we also have a lot of shared priorities - like travel, major renovations to the house, etc. So, to make it all work, I cover ALL my riding related expenses - which means PBing rather than owning to reduce overall expenses and unexpected bills. I try to do extras when I am at home (e.g. cooking nice meals, cleaning up). And I actively encourage DH to pursue his own interests.
I wish you luck. It may well be that you need to walk away from this - but I don’t know that we know enough here to be able to make a final judgement.
I, too, say run far and fast. The most telling thing is that he wants you to “stop chasing meaningless dreams”
If you cave to him now there will always be something else that he will find fault with.
Wishing you the best.
I read this carefully and it sounds like he just wants them gone, period.
That’s not acceptable. That’s not his decision.
So my questions are thus - Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that?
They were frivolous relationships and I never intended that they go anywhere. I will always be into horses, even if I didn’t own one- they are a part of me. So…we didn’t overcome it- when I got bored, we broke up.
Did you give up the horse in favor of the relationship?
of course not. You see, it’s not about horses. If you golfed, he’d tell you to quit golfing. If you swam, he’d tell you it’s bad for your hair. If you sang, he’d tell you he doesn’t like live music. There’s something about you having a passion that he is jealous of, b/c he feels threatened by it. He’s afraid of their role.
How do you manage time between your job, family, and horses?
I can’t answer that well b/c the horses are ‘ours’- he got into them after meeting me 16 years ago. Now it’s Team Peanut
Are there any good articles online that explain what it’s like to be in a relationship with a horse person?
wrong question; the right question is 'can my boyfriend learn how to live with my hobby?
Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that?
I left him and never looked back.
The controlling of the horse hobby was only the tip of the iceberg.
It started creeping into me spending time with friends…
Wanting to have a graduation party when I graduated college (I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to have it at ‘his house’ because people would be drinking… people who are well over 21 years old…)
I don’t regret walking away… I have since found someone who is so supportive of my hobby it’s hard to believe he truly exists!
[QUOTE=WendellsGirl;8225773]
It’s amazing when you find the right one, you realize how much work the other guys were previously. A good relationship shouldn’t be so much work and strife.
It’s worth the wait to find the right person, whom you just mesh with naturally. You’re worth it. :)[/QUOTE]
This is exactly right! I will say - if you were truly living beyond your means - any partner has a right to question that. It’d be like a woman accruing massive credit card debt on shoes or something else stereotypical. But if you aren’t going bankrupt over the horses, then this smacks of a narcissistic control freak. I am one of a previous poster’s friends who got divorced and happily remarried. Horses were not the key issue, but a symptom of the lack of respect from the narcissist I’d married. I should have trusted my gut - if you are writing out this question, you KNOW the right answer. DO NOT JUSTIFY his behavior. On anything. Trust me, it will ONLY get worse. Maybe read up on narcissism and relationships, and I bet a lot will ring true. And, as WendellsGirl said, it is SO much easier with the right one!!! Best of luck - I think some pain now is worth the pain you’ll be avoiding in the future.
[QUOTE=enjoytheride;8225318]
Walk Away from the man.
There are more understanding and supportive men out there.[/QUOTE]
Oh man, is this ever correct! Honestly, if he cannot accept you the way you are, and your horses…run away!!! This is just one example of what he thinks he can “change” about you. Men are just as bad as women at thinking someone will change for them. You know, especially if they “love” them.
Seriously? Love is a freaking two-way street in a marriage! Anyone thinking they can change someone else is delusional.
(Sorry, didn’t have time to go through all the other replies. Just stopped on this one. By all the thumbs up clicks, you can tell it’s one most people agree with!)
BTW, I’ve always told guys that the horses were there first–and they’ll be there last–when the relationship is over. (Usually followed by my ending the relationship right then and there.)
