Horses and Relationships

[Invested1]

[QUOTE=ChesapeakeBay;8225316]
So my questions are thus - Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that? Did you give up the horse in favor of the relationship? How do you manage time between your job, family, and horses? Are there any good articles online that explain what it’s like to be in a relationship with a horse person? Helpful perspectives are welcome.[/QUOTE]

Oh boy. Been there. My ex-BF and I fought about my horse all the time.
When we first started dating, he told me I went to the barn too much. Huh, ok, maybe that was true, so I scaled it down to about 3 times a week.
Then the fights were over $$ (which was odd since I made ~$30k MORE than he did). Then it was about how would I have time for the horse once we had kids (though he still intended to hit the gym every day after work for 2 hours).
Toward the end of our 3+ year relationship, the fight became that I didn’t spend enough time at the barn to justify the cost of the horse. WTF!? I actually told him that I was apparently too stupid to determine the correct number of times I could go to the barn in a week that wasn’t too many but was enough to justify the cost so he needed to tell me. Obviously he didn’t have an answer.
I really came to see it as a control thing and it was one of the major nails in the coffin of our dead relationship.

I won’t jump and tell you to run away but…I will say that (in my opinion) it’s unlikely that this man will ever become “supportive” of your passion…

[TheHotSensitiveType]

[QUOTE=ChesapeakeBay;8225316]

I recently had this discussion with a horsey friend, now a mom, who was in a very similar situation. It took her husband 3 years before he realized and accepted that horses were there and part of the package. I see other women all the time who manage a job/career, horses and family - I don’t see why I couldn’t either.[/QUOTE]

OP, was this woman’s husband saying nasty things about horses and the time spent on them like your SO? I suspect that the husband was not… and that it was a communication issue as is often the case in relationships.

You can fit job/career/horses/family although I do not get to ride as much as I would like and have to manage time ridiculously. I ride (well, before my horse hurt herself) 4x a week. My horse is at a full care barn 10 minutes away from my house and is a lower maintenance type (i.e. rides 30-45 minutes, doesn’t need lunged). I swing there on my way home from work and watch time… I even have been able to squeeze rides in on other people’s horses a few times a week! Weekends, I try to only go one day either during kiddo’s nap or before kiddo gets up. Winter is harder because it is ride or jog the dogs on week days, so may end up there both weekend days…

[QUOTE=ChesapeakeBay;8225316]
So my questions are thus - Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that? [/QUOTE]

In my case, my SO did not understand but was WILLING to understand. That is a big difference from what you have written.

Others have posted great advice too!

[Frog_Pond]

[QUOTE=ChesapeakeBay;8225316]
Hello COTH Forum members.
He was brought up in a farming family and continues to raise a few beef and other animals, make hay, etc and has a solid occupation off the farm.[/QUOTE]
OP, I hope you’re still reading and that this thread is helping you out . . . and I’m sorry, but I have to add one more specific criticism. He grows hay . . . and he isn’t interested in talking to you about hay quality?? That is just wrong, OP. If he was a keeper, he’d be tearing into those flakes and sniffing deeply on your behalf and giving you good questions to ask the supplier.

My heart goes out to you. You’re stressed out because he’s pressuring the crap out of you to change for him, not because balancing horses & family is a huge challenge.

Also, just food for thought, plenty of horses end up at the killers or in rescues because of relationship problems – call any horse rescue and ask. Yours sound safe because they’re at your parents. But, doesn’t it break your heart to think that they wouldn’t be safe if your future husband had any say in it? Urgh, OP.

I sent husband #1 packing because of enormous selfishness . . . divorce is expensive and exhausting. Spare yourself that mess.

[Caol_Ila]

If it comes down to a choice between the horse or the man, choose the horse. The horse will always be there for you; a man who puts you in that position clearly won’t.

My OH isn’t horsey, but he gets that I am, and from the beginning of the relationship, he knew the horse and I were a package deal.

[arlosmine]

I tried it. It was a miserable failure. Thankfully, it was long ago and I was very young, so recovered from the insecure, disrespectful, controlling man.

Don’t marry him. Listen to all of the women who have shared their collective experience here. You’ve already been worn down enough be his behavior to think it’s almost okay for him to belittle your life.

the piece below is on my iPad’s home screen :

https://vimeo.com/21343654

[Kwill]

OK seriously?

“I should quit chasing meaningless dreams”

This guy is bitter, really bitter. Who knows what his history is, but he’s had some major disappointments somewhere, and he’s taking it out on you. He doesn’t want you to have your own life, he just wants you to be an adjunct to his. A family is going to be his thing – and just wait until you start raising kids and you dare to say something that contradicts his ideas.

Girlfriend, take a very close look at what’s really going on here. He sounds selfish, and rather mean: “nags”, “worthless horses” etc.

I have been married 21 years, and it is not for the faint of heart. You are already seeing the red flags. Ignore them at your peril. Once you are married, he will not get any nicer, or more understanding, or less selfish. You can’t change him. Repeat that. He doesn’t value what you value right now.

Ask yourself, what are you getting out of this relationship, and how much are you going to give up of yourself to get it? Some things have too high a price.

The very fact that you are raising your voice, and your doubts now, is that your gut is telling you this isn’t right.

Now that I have yelled at you, :winkgrin: I would suggest before you get married to this guy you see a good counselor and have some chats about the parameters of your relationship. Especially money, values, and the things that matter to both of you. Work it out now!

[over60]

My late first DH started our relationship fully supportive of the horses - that changed to control of every minute spent at the barn and every penny spent.

My current DH became a keeper early in our relationship when I was trying to decide whether to go ahead with colic surgery on my much loved homebred - he said “do it - the he (the horse) has been in your life much longer than I have”. Unfortunately the surgery was not successful. When I was asked whether I was going to get another horse - DH answered for me - “of course she is”.

I am so fortunate!

[BoyleHeightsKid]

I wasted 7 years of my life to a man like this. I should’ve gotten rid of him when I came home one day with him sitting at the kitchen table filling a piece of tablet paper about all the ways he was being F’ed over by a horse. This was because I had to wait around for the vet to call so meet him at the barn. I should’ve listened to my horse the time he came out to the barn with me and was in the stall with Boy while I went out to car for something. When I heard yelling I went in to see what was going on, he said Boy was smashing him against the wall with his butt. This horse is a gentleman in every respect. My horse knew then what I knew but didn’t want to see.

I bet if you look at the other areas of your life together you will see other ways he doesn’t respect you. Just imagine how it will be after you get married and have kids…

[TrailPony]

I didn’t read all of the responses, but I also agree that a second look into why you want to live this way is needed. I am currently going through a divorce, and while horses weren’t the reason for the divorce, they were a sore issue. He always complained that I spent too much time at the barn (only 3-4 hours a week, and I always tried to go while he was doing a solo activity like studying or such) and I always chose horses over him. At one point he had made up in his mind that I was having an affair with the barn owner (who is happily married to a wonderful wife with 3 kids - and I should know because I knew the entire family) and he didn’t want me at the barn without anyone else there. It was ridiculous because I worked at the barn to work off board and save us money!!

It took me nearly 3 years to realize that a man who doesn’t respect who you are at your core is not a man at all. I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I wish the best for you!

[Kwill]

None of us want to be lonely … we want families, and a companion … but sometimes we make compromises that make us so unhappy to pursue this dream. OP, I think so many of us don’t want you to make the mistakes we have made (sounds like most of us have had to make hard choices in life!).

Waiting for the right person is worth it. Love is not a very trustworthy emotion!

By the way, I wonder if your finance, OP, might have wanted to have horses when he was a child and his parents told him they were a worthless waste of space … now he’s parroting a lesson he learned the hard way. Or perhaps something else of a similar nature happened, thus making him bitter about them. Or he could be controlling, disrespectful person. Either way, doesn’t make it right.

[Arelle]

Nope. Do not escalate this relationship.

My BF (and almost common law husband at this point :lol:) has no interest in horses. He’ll occasionally go out to the barn with me and pet the horses, but he’s just not a real animal person.

We’re about to sell our house and buy property so that I can bring my retired horse home.

He is about to buy property to support MY animals.

It sucks being alone, and I get that, but it’s not fair to try to change someone - either him making you give up horses or you making him accept them. It may just not be a fit and that’s OK. Better than a lifetime of resentment.

[Velvet]

@Kwill;8226045

None of us want to be lonely … we want families, and a companion …

Not everyone is lonely without these! :lol:

[Kwill]

[QUOTE=Velvet;8226060]
Not everyone is lonely without these! :lol:[/QUOTE]

I agree, but for the OP that seems to be something she wants in her life.

[RiderInTheRain]

I will join the chorus that says he does not sound at all supportive or accepting of your hobby and even if you were to sell the horses, he would likely find something else to be upset about with regards to the way you spend your time and money.

My SO (though we have been married only a short time, had been involved with my horses for several years before we married) is very supportive of my riding and even before he became interested in it himself, understood that it was what made me happen. We have occasionally had arguments about horse related issues, but never in the context of “you should stop riding/owning horses”. And frankly, most of his concerns have been (once I step back a bit from being a totally crazy horse lady) completely reasonable. For example, he asked me a few months ago if on weekends where I don’t have any major horse activities (show, foxhunt, clinic, etc.) if I could keep barn time on one weekend day to a minimum so we could go hiking, take a day trip, do projects around the house. That is a reasonable request - we are both very busy as both work and are students, so for him to ask for some time to spend with me doing non-horse things is fair enough. And on weekends where I do have a clinic or show, if he is off work he is the one will help me load, hold ponies ringside, bring snacks, etc. so it is only fair that I’m willing to spend some weekends doing what he likes to do as well.

On the other hand, I have seen friends give up horses for SOs. The friends who have had to give up horses for financial or other family issues, but who were able to become involved with horses again with the support of their SOs once those issues resolved seem happy with their relationships. From the outside looking in, those who gave up horses and picked up another hobby soon had that hobby attacked or belittled by the SO as well, so giving up the horses didn’t end up making anyone happy in the end.

[Foxtrot_s]

The last thing I would want is a controlling man – they just get worse over time. Power trip. Any smart, capable, worthwhile woman who has self-respect would want that in return.

[Hulk]

Wow it is a rare day indeed when every one agrees on this board. I am in full agreement as well. There are some things there is no fixing, and this guy is on the list. Knowing that horses mean so much to you yet calling them names and useless is not only disrespectful but down right mean. Get out fast, and DON’T have children with this kind of guy. Children deserve a much better father than that. The old saying,’’ The best thing a father can do for his children is treat their mother well". I think by the way he is treating you thus far is a very clear indication of the future, don’t ignore the hand writing on the wall.

[Kwill]

Yes, wait until he tells your kids to quit chasing meaningless dreams, and how they are worthless.

[Gloria]

It’s better to be alone than lonely with an abusive spouse. And if you have children, your children will grow to resent him, and YOU, for marrying a dough-bag.

It it not about your horse. He wants a slave, not a spouse, and he has no problem abusing you. Yes, he is abusing you, verbally. Do you want to be abused and live under every whim of his? If so, keep him. If not, run.

[Unfforgettable]

I’m assuming you’ve told him he’d have to give up his Harley and quit fishing too, since starting a family leaves no time for silly things like that! (said tongue in cheek, of course!)

Seriously, walk away and don’t look back. I was engaged right after college. And my then-fiance made a comment about how he couldn’t wait until we were married, so I would give up this “horse stuff” and settle down to be a housewife. I thought he was joking…but when I said he had to be kidding, he said no, he was completely serious. I took off the ring right then and there, handed it back and walked away and it was 110% the right decision.

[pony_grandma]

[QUOTE=Kwill;8226095]
Yes, wait until he tells your kids to quit chasing meaningless dreams, and how they are worthless.[/QUOTE]

I divorced first DH b/c he wouldn’t, couldn’t, be a part of my first horse learning excitement. It was not that he even had to like horses, or do anything. He just couldn’t even be there for me as I was excited about my first horse and all the new learning and accomplishments. The kicker was when I questioned him about what was he going to do if/when we had children and they had those ‘new’ in life learning experiences and his answer was ‘that’s different.’ WHOA. So the child to be celebrated that is still in us, the joy of learning, the excitement inside each of us is not to be cherished?

Think about it. It took me all of about a couple of seconds.