[QUOTE=Hulk;8226086]
Wow it is a rare day indeed when every one agrees on this board.[/QUOTE]
I was thinking the same thing! Definitely says something about the situation.
OP, I hope you realize that this isn’t about horses.
It is about exerting control over an aspect of your life that he doesn’t appear to approve. The derogatory way in which he views what in valuable to you is a symptom of his insecurity and fear and selfishness.
Your horses are at your parents’ home and you, I assume, have an ongoing responsibility. And yet he somehow believes that you should drop all this because of time and costs.
The red flags should be, in your eyes, large and abundant. Value yourself, your past achievements and future self: it is entwined with horses.
Plus anyone who feels that grinding you down in one aspect of your personhood will,I promise, grind you down in other ways.
[QUOTE=enjoytheride;8225318]
Walk Away from the man.
There are more understanding and supportive men out there.[/QUOTE]
Joining this party late. Agreed with the above.
I’ve been married for four years now and only two years ago horses came back into my life. My husband did not sign up for the package deal, and while he doesn’t always understand why I’m gone at the barn as often as I am, he is completely supportive of me riding and would hate for me to stop riding as he knows how happy and healthy it makes me. That is what a good man is all about.
Find a man who will love you for all you are, not just what he wants you to be.
Speaking as one who dodged this bullet, I agree with all these repsonses.
40 years ago (Gawd I’m old!) I eased out of a relationship with a guy I liked very very much because he constantly belittled horses and any activity related to them.
He married a woman uninterested in horses, and we are all friends.
Their daughter is a horsewoman, and he still has many negative comments about horses.
Every time I hear them I feel such relief that I have not spent my life defending and justifying a sport that makes me so very happy.
Walk away.
Did all of our agreeing with each other scare off the OP?
Maybe she was thinking we would give her lots of good advice on how to get him to support her hobby, like buy him a horse or go see the Seabiscuit movie or something.
She was probably not expecting all the advice to get out of Dodge.
I’m not sure that’s it. She was pretty honest in the original post. I’m wondering if she’s overwhelmed with the decision she now has to make.
I mean, backing out of an engagement (who knows how far along they really are with spending money on the wedding, etc.), and kicking him to the curb when she’s in love (I’m hoping she was in love and not just taking the lesser of evils to get married).
It has to be hard. Depending on her personality, she could be still making excuses for him and fighting with herself over the replies we’ve provided.
I feel for her, but I am curious to hear what she really is thinking.
My husband doesn’t “get” horses. I don’t think he particularly likes them. He IS afraid of them to an extent. He knows that they are stupid expensive. I spend too much time at the barn.
YET HE SUPPORTS MY HORSE HABIT 100%
Why? Because he knows it makes me happy. And he wants me to be happy.
I was going through a few year “horseless” phase when I met him (in college). After we started our lives together, I had a chance to do some free riding / training. He saw how important it was to me, and the difference in me when I am around horses.
He encouraged me to buy one of my own again. I said “but they are expensive” - he said we could do it (I earn more than him by the way). I said they take up lots of time - he said DO IT.
And I did! Bought a foal 8 blissful years ago - so glad to be “back” in horses full time, and that he supports it.
Add me to the consensus.
I had also dated numerous guys in the past who just didn’t get it. None of those relationships ever got serious enough for the horses to be a problem, but the I imagine it would have been if we had combined finances and lived together.
My bf/common law isn’t an animal person like me. When we met, I had a retired old horse. I had to put the old horse down only 5 months into meeting the BF, and he used his lunch break to come out to the barn in the snow to support me, and had ice cream at his place and just let me go to his place and wallow for a few days.
Our relationship stayed horseless for a few years until I could face riding again, and by that time we were living together and sharing finances. Was there an adjustment period? Yes. Did he ever fault me or get nasty about horses? No way. We mapped out costs and kept lines of communication open about time/$.
He realizes how important it is to me, so we transferred to a rural area and bought property. We somehow have 3 horses now, and a whackload of vet bills. Does $ stress him out? Yes. Does he ever give me a hard time about them? No way. And while he isn’t personally interested in horses, he’s learned how to groom and tack, bandage, and knows care basics. He usually throws late night hay for me, and moves my hay over to the feed shed weekly.
There are supportive guys out there. Do not settle for someone who wants to control your happiness. It sounds like if it wasn’t horses, he’d be pissy about anything you were passionate about. You should want somebody who is going to say “how can we make this work?” to help support your passion and hobby.
What worries me is that the OP is actually contemplating a long-term relationship with this guy. What makes a woman be in love with a man who has such high self-esteem and such a low regard for her?
I think OP must be quite a young woman, but I think this infatuation and blindness is scary.
But I do love the fact that for a change all COTHers seem to be in agreement! :encouragement:
[QUOTE=RPM;8226399]
What makes a woman be in love with a man who has such high self-esteem and such a low regard for her?[/QUOTE]
He doesn’t have a high self esteem. He is insecure and co-dependent
that’s the internet snapshot layman’s diagnosis from the voice of experience
Sigh…same general responses, same nastiness.
Leave, don’t be unhappy, enjoy your horses and don’t worry about a relationship with this guy. It doesn’t sound as if it’s a real partnership anyway.
Do you “need” 3 horses?
Don’t expect him to change, he shouldn’t expect you to change (two edged complaint there I imagine). He’s not the right person for you, you aren’t the right person for him.
Leave.
Be happy!
[QUOTE=Kwill;8226223]
Maybe she was thinking we would give her lots of good advice on how to get him to support her hobby, like buy him a horse or go see the Seabiscuit movie or something.
She was probably not expecting all the advice to get out of Dodge.[/QUOTE]
Usually when one asks this question, it’s a need to confirm the obvious answer
She was asking advice on how to manage this, not whether she should leave him or not. But yes, when you start having doubts, the obvious conclusion isn’t far behind.
So few have managed to manage it. It is just the beginning. It isn’t about the horses. No one should go into a marriage hoping something like this will change. People don’t very often change. The OP can change herself, but the change the fiance is hoping for is getting rid of the horses, not compromise on his part.
[QUOTE=Trakehner;8226433]
Sigh…same general responses, same nastiness.
Leave, don’t be unhappy, enjoy your horses and don’t worry about a relationship with this guy. It doesn’t sound as if it’s a real partnership anyway.
Do you “need” 3 horses?
Don’t expect him to change, he shouldn’t expect you to change (two edged complaint there I imagine). He’s not the right person for you, you aren’t the right person for him.
Leave.
Be happy![/QUOTE]
I think we’re nasty because he’s nasty to her, calling her horses nags and belittling her interests and stomping on her dreams.
So, ‘he’ started it 
Nasty, or realistic?
If you think this is about choosing horses over people, you haven’t been paying attention. It also isn’t an attack on men–the genders could very easily be reversed.
What it is, is a lot of people who’ve been there, made that mistake, hearing warning signs of an emotionally abusive, controlling relationship.
If the OP decides she loves this guy enough to try to make things work, I do hope she’ll take the advice of pre-marital counseling. Resentment and controlling behavior in a relationship doesn’t magically get better after marriage.
agree, but this assumes she is being reasonable with expenses and not having him come in second to the horses.
Add my voice to the consensus “dump his sorry @ss.”
As soon as I finished reading the original post, I said to myself “she won’t come back. She’s looking for ways to validate this guy’s feelings.” I will bet she ends up marrying this guy and ignoring what a jerk he is.
I’ve been married for 23 years. My non-riding husband recently retired. We keep my horses at home. The 1st day of retirement he told me he was taking over the lunch time feed so that there is a more even time between their feedings (I used to feed when I got home from work). I never asked him to do this - he volunteered to do this. I think your guy would never volunteer in such a way. Please think hard, very hard about the person you plan on marrying.
