Horses and Relationships

[Velvet]

peedin,

And don’t we just see a lot of women, in the horse world and out of it, who do this? They justify their partners’ behavior, no matter how it makes them feel. Not even talking about abuse here. The controlling attitude sometimes meets the doormat and they live happily ever after in a co-dependent relationship where one is always unhappy and in control and the other enables it by bowing down and kissing the pavement in front of their one and only.

Sad, but dysfunctional relationships like this happen all the time. I guess it’s part of why that saying, “There’s someone for everyone” exists. Even Hitler had a girlfriend. :eek:

[candyappy]

[QUOTE=ChesapeakeBay;8225316]
Hello COTH Forum members.

So my questions are thus - Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that? Did you give up the horse in favor of the relationship? How do you manage time between your job, family, and horses? Are there any good articles online that explain what it’s like to be in a relationship with a horse person? Helpful perspectives are welcome.[/QUOTE]

While my husband wasn’t quite as vocal about it as your fiance is, he still sees the horses as something that is all “out going” in the expense department with “no incoming” and he doesn’t see their importance at all. All our other livestock contribute so that doesn’t help.

I never made it an issue of keeping my horses, he knew it from the beginning that it was a package deal. In the early years he sometimes made a comment that really bugged me, but I ignored it and chalked it up to a bad day at work or stress. It always was.

I work hard and he knows it and deep down he knows what they mean to me and after 24 years of marriage it is no longer an issue. I do try to keep expenses down and always have. My horses have never suffered because of it.

When my kids were small I didn’t ride much and my husband was working full time off the farm and working the farm too, so I never asked him to watch the kids. I did what I could on my own. My horses were here and didn’t mind the extended time off.

This is something that you can work out. I wouldn’t send a good man packing because of his ignorance. Stand your ground.

[BeeHoney]

@TheHotSensitiveType;8225964

In my case, my SO did not understand but was WILLING to understand. That is a big difference from what you have written.

Well said!

It isn’t realistic to look for perfection, but if someone is willing to try I think that means a lot.

[asb_own_me]

[QUOTE=candyappy;8226617]
While my husband wasn’t quite as vocal about it as your fiance is, he still sees the horses as something that is all “out going” in the expense department with “no incoming” and he doesn’t see their importance at all. All our other livestock contribute so that doesn’t help.

I never made it an issue of keeping my horses, he knew it from the beginning that it was a package deal. In the early years he sometimes made a comment that really bugged me, but I ignored it and chalked it up to a bad day at work or stress. It always was.

I work hard and he knows it and deep down he knows what they mean to me and after 24 years of marriage it is no longer an issue. I do try to keep expenses down and always have. My horses have never suffered because of it.

When my kids were small I didn’t ride much and my husband was working full time off the farm and working the farm too, so I never asked him to watch the kids. I did what I could on my own. My horses were here and didn’t mind the extended time off.

This is something that you can work out. I wouldn’t send a good man packing because of his ignorance. Stand your ground.[/QUOTE]

Her situation is not your situation. Did you even read the whole OP? He’s not being passively ignorant. He’s being an asshole, demeaning what she loves, and actively causes conflict. He knows about hay quality, yet thinks her “nags” somehow don’t deserve good hay. He knows she loves her horses, yet he refers to them in derogatory terms (nags/hayburners/money pits) and refers to her passion as “meaningless dreams”. She says the issue has caused countless fights.

Yeah. Real good man. Shocking we aren’t all queueing up to take him off her hands.

[jetsmom]

It looks like the OP hasn’t come back to the thread. Does this mean she is packing up his stuff and putting it out on the curb?

Op…my dh isn’t horsey, but when we had some financial issues, I offered to sell jet and was told absolutely not. He knew what horses mean to me and didn’t want to take that away. Everyone is right that this is about a lack of respect not the horses. It wouldn’t matter what hobby you have…if it costs time or money he will be against it and want control.

[Bogie]

@ChesapeakeBay;8225316

I see other women all the time who manage a job/career, horses and family - I don’t see why I couldn’t either.

Yes, you can manage all three but it’s several full time jobs to keep all the balls in the air and not have one of them end up feeling neglected. I have my own business, a husband, two kids and two horses at a co-op barn. I have to schedule my time down to the minute. I stopped competing a long time ago and now foxhunt (more flexible hours) and I rarely take lessons (no money for them). I work from a home office and schedule my own hours or it wouldn’t be possible at all.

Starting a family takes a lot of time and money. Kids are wonderful, exciting and demanding. It’s very hard to “fit them in” unless you have family in the area who can give you a hand.

@ChesapeakeBay;8225316

So my questions are thus - Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that? Did you give up the horse in favor of the relationship? How do you manage time between your job, family, and horses? Are there any good articles online that explain what it’s like to be in a relationship with a horse person? Helpful perspectives are welcome.

I did not give up riding. I have had some fights with my husband about it but ultimately he understand that they make me happy. I try to make sure that I support the things that he wants to do.

I make my horses fit into my life; not fit my life around my horses.

I do know people who stopped riding when they had families/jobs/spouses. Some are okay with it and don’t miss it, others are miserable.

How you deal with this – whether you can sit down and talk about it and come to a mutually satisfactory path forward – is an indicator of how well you are working as a team. I’ve been married for 26 years and not every day is smooth, but you have to be able to work things out.

Good luck!

[IPEsq]

I had a long term relationship with a guy like this. I was horseless but had opportunities to ride now and again. He was actually very supportive of the horse thing. I considered taking an assistant trainer position I was offered by an old friend which would have meant him leaving his dream job and working in the same organization but in a less exciting area, which he considered doing (I decided not to accept the offer for reasons not related to him). He realized horses made me happy and wanted that for me because I was generally unhappy. I thought it was because I was having trouble with my career (the reason I almost took the horse job). But really, a lot had to do with him. He would make all these little digs and put me down about plenty of day to day stuff. Like how I wasted so much time and money making myself a cappuccino every morning. Yeah, the comments weren’t about horses, but they revealed that he was the same type of person. One day after we broke up, I still didn’t own a horse, but I remember feeling like a weight had been lifted. I just wasn’t feeling bad about myself for once, and it was because I hadn’t had to listen to whatever his morning put-down would have been.

You may get rid of your horses or your retirees may eventually pass and you not replace them, but I’d bet he’d find something else to make you feel like dirt over.

[Trakehner]

This isn’t putting horses in front of people, it’s putting happiness in front of giving up too much for a person. It’s a partnership, not a serf/prince/princess relationship. She’s not a princess to his serf, nor he a prince to her scullerymaid. It’s supposed to be a partnership. Not always equal every second, but both should be happy.

I went with one girl who hated my horses…I should have been spending the money on her (yes, she said that). One girl hated the time I spent with my horses…She asked one day, “How would you like it if I walked Rex all the time?” I told her, “Rex would love it”. She hated horses, they were dirty and shed.

Be happy, leave and good luck finding a kindred spirit.

Remember, we’re only hearing one side of the story.

[HungarianHippo]

[QUOTE=peedin;8226563]
Add my voice to the consensus “dump his sorry @ss.”
As soon as I finished reading the original post, I said to myself “she won’t come back. She’s looking for ways to validate this guy’s feelings.” I will bet she ends up marrying this guy and ignoring what a jerk he is.[/QUOTE]

peedin, kinda odd to demean someone, while criticizing them for allowing themselves to be demeaned. If someone comes to you saying “hey I could use your advice”, it’s usually best not to pre-judge that person’s entire state of mind and sneer in disgust at them while doling out your kind advice.

Look, I am part of the crowd that says his attempt to control her is a major problem and should cause her to hit the Pause button. But to trash his entire being as a monster (which by extension, makes anyone who could possibly love this person seem like a complete idiot) is counterproductive and surely wrong. He is not an unlovable monster. They’re not a good match.

[Foxtrot_s]

I think we are talking to ourlelves here - but one more thing OP - print this thread and give it to him as he walks off down the garden path - maybe he will think about it and his next girlfriend will benefit…er, do leopards change their spots?

[amb]

[QUOTE=Hulk;8226086]
Wow it is a rare day indeed when every one agrees on this board.[/QUOTE]

OK, I’ll be disagreeable! Well, a little bit. I think some of the posters above are too far in what I’d call the “no compromises” direction. IMHO every relationship is a compromise with complicated costs and benefits. Figuring that you might need to scale back some things and change priorities to have time for somebody/something new in your life doesn’t necessarily constitute a self-betrayal.

On the other hand, the apparent contempt for what the OP cares about, that’s a huge red flag, like huge with car-dealer spotlights and the Jaws theme playing in the background. (Or maybe Psycho.)

(On the other other hand, these days I’m fairly bitter about people and firmly on the side of “stick with horses”.)

[Beam_Me_Up]

A relationship with a horse person isn’t for everyone. (Just as a relationship with a parent, or a caregiver, or someone with a 24/7 career isn’t for everyone.) It doesn’t necessarily make someone a controlling jerk or an abuser. Some people want more together time than free time, financial consensus more than autonomy. You may just be looking for a more independent relationship/marriage than he is (or than many people are raised to look for).

I was once with a really wonderful guy who just couldn’t stomach the horse expenses. He was incredibly hard working, grew up in another country, sent money home. I made a lot more money than he did, and spent more than his income on maintaining my horse. Sure, he understood, my job, my money, my budget, but given his experiences and situation he just couldn’t accept it. Although of course that doomed the relationship, I understand and even value that perspective.

I am now in a much more independent relationship of 8 yrs. We both have our own expensive hobbies, he travels a lot for work. There are times when I don’t love the way he spends his time/money but I appreciate the freedom we both have.

[Chocoholic]

I was once engaged to a man who was resentful of my horses. He was controlling and verbally abusive about other things, as well. We broke up. Nearly a decade has passed, and I have never married. Though I do often wish I was married, I have never once looked back and wished I had married HIM. It is better to be single than to be married to a man who is unkind.

[laskiblue]

[QUOTE=Pipkin;8225359]
The point isn’t that they like horses. It’s that they respect that you do.[/QUOTE]

A thousand times yes to this! If he can’t respect your interest in horses, what else in your life that’s important to you is he not going to respect?

[heronponie]

Ok, ok, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. It’s rare that we have a unanimous COTH consensus, but it does happen occasionally.

This thread, however, marks an even more monumental “first” for the forum. Trakehner agrees with the women of COTH. :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:

In all seriousness, I really hope the OP is ok. If she’s still reading, this thread had to be pretty difficult to get through. Sending you an e-hug tonight, OP.

[Trakehner]

[QUOTE=heronponie;8227235]
This thread, however, marks an even more monumental “first” for the forum. Trakehner agrees with the women of COTH. :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek: :eek:[/QUOTE]

Actually, I often agree with the women of COTH…just not ALL of them (and yep, I do hear via the private message board). I always tell the rider whose SO/spousal unit complains about the horses/expenses/time etc. to leave. Life’s too short to put up with that. Mrs. Trak loves horses and I’ve given her two of them…no more riding after very bad riding accident. I make sure when I’m heading for the barn she knows she comes first and has 1st dibs for the weekend or dinner out.

I see more problems with complaining about the SO and then hearing, “But I can’t pay for horses on my salary if I leave”. Now that’s a tough situation to be in, but they did put themselves in that situation.

Oh well…I hope the OP did what’ll make her happy…quitcherbitchen…either suck it up or leave…no whining allowed after the first one.

[peedin]

I was married to 10 years to a non-horse person. He had no interest in horses or my horse or the horsey lifestyle. He didn’t understand vets or farriers or saddle fit or lessons or barn drama. But he did understand me and how important my horse was to me. He never complained about money or time. Every once in a while he’d joke about Bob but he never resented my horse. There is a huge difference between a spouse/SO whatever who isn’t into horses but understands, and a spouse/SO who belittles you and your critter and isn’t a partner in your happiness.

[SmartAlex]

[QUOTE=amb;8227063]
OK, I’ll be disagreeable! Well, a little bit. I think some of the posters above are too far in what I’d call the “no compromises” direction. IMHO every relationship is a compromise with complicated costs and benefits. Figuring that you might need to scale back some things and change priorities to have time for somebody/something new in your life doesn’t necessarily constitute a self-betrayal.[/QUOTE]

My husband is a non-horse person. He does not see the point. He thinks they are expensive and time consuming and impractical. He thinks all horse people are crazy.

BUT: He does not call them nags or tell me to stop chasing impossible dreams. He makes sure I have my scheduled barn time. He checks to make sure I have my horse budget covered. If he makes a big purchase for his own hobby, he suggests I might like to splurge on something myself like a new bridle.

My Exhusband, on the other hand said: I want you to choose between the horse or me. Well… it wasn’t the HORSE he wanted me to give up, it was my sense of self and independence. And no matter how good a relationship is, each person still needs a sense of self and independence.

[Wonders12]

[QUOTE=heronponie;8227235]
In all seriousness, I really hope the OP is ok. If she’s still reading, this thread had to be pretty difficult to get through. Sending you an e-hug tonight, OP.[/QUOTE]

This.

Hugs, OP.

[SportArab]

Leave now. I’ve been there, done that, and no good comes of a relationship with this kind of man. As others have said, it’s not just about the horses. It could be anything else you were passionate about and spending time doing (as opposed to spending time with him).