Horses and Relationships

[Casey09]

[QUOTE=Beam Me Up;8227135]
A relationship with a horse person isn’t for everyone. (Just as a relationship with a parent, or a caregiver, or someone with a 24/7 career isn’t for everyone.) It doesn’t necessarily make someone a controlling jerk or an abuser. Some people want more together time than free time, financial consensus more than autonomy. You may just be looking for a more independent relationship/marriage than he is (or than many people are raised to look for).

I was once with a really wonderful guy who just couldn’t stomach the horse expenses. He was incredibly hard working, grew up in another country, sent money home. I made a lot more money than he did, and spent more than his income on maintaining my horse. Sure, he understood, my job, my money, my budget, but given his experiences and situation he just couldn’t accept it. Although of course that doomed the relationship, I understand and even value that perspective.

I am now in a much more independent relationship of 8 yrs. We both have our own expensive hobbies, he travels a lot for work. There are times when I don’t love the way he spends his time/money but I appreciate the freedom we both have.[/QUOTE]

This strikes me as a very insightful post. I agree with everything in it. A lot of people I’ve known in my life wouldn’t approve of an adult spending as much time and money on a hobby as I do, and I also am not someone that is living at the barn and I am cost conscious not about care issues, but about things such as shows. Even then, there are people that could not deal with me riding a few times a week, or dropping everything in the event of a major emergency. In the same vein, there are those that don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is on call at work or caring for another person, etc. Compromise is so important and I am absolutely willing to compromise in regards to my horses, to a point. There are things I’m not willing to compromise on. I do think that there comes a point when it isn’t that one person is evil or horrible, but it just isn’t match.
I’m also not looking for a horse person per se, or for someone willing to help me pay for the horses or more than an occasional favor, but I am looking for an independent relationship - meaning spending time together, but not someone who is going to freak out about spending a few hours alone every now and then.

[Jealoushe]

It’s like the key to any good relationship - compatibility. My husband was going on the other day about what would have happened if we moved into a house in the city instead of a farm. I said it would never have happened because I have always wanted and planned on having my farm. He said well what if I didn’t want a farm? My reply was basically that we would never be together then, because we just wouldn’t be compatible. I never want to live in the city, why would I have married someone who wouldn’t live on a farm which was my life long dream? Just asking for a lifetime or misery.

Same goes for horse ownership, they don’t have to like it, but they have to be able to accept it.

[Gloria]

@amb;8227063

OK, I’ll be disagreeable! Well, a little bit. I think some of the posters above are too far in what I’d call the “no compromises” direction. IMHO every relationship is a compromise with complicated costs and benefits. Figuring that you might need to scale back some things and change priorities to have time for somebody/something new in your life doesn’t necessarily constitute a self-betrayal.

When abuse is on the horizon, there is no “compromise” to be made. It isn’t that a little abuse is OK. No. It isn’t OK. Period. That is what gets a lot of women into trouble. They thought a little bit can be tolerated. What they don’t understand is, the abuser is simply grooming their victims, and in time, a little abuse will escalate into a serious one.

What OP describe in her post has all the hallmarks of verbal abuse. It is not going to get better.

[BuddyRoo]

I’m not going to say “run in the other direction”, but I will say that sometimes, love is not enough. If you want to give this the good ol’ college try, do it in counseling with someone who can be more objective, offer tools, and direct the conversation better than a board full of horse people. It seems slightly disingenuous to ask for objective advice on this topic from a bunch of people who pretty much eat, sleep and breathe horses. Your fiance was toast from the word “nag”.

That said, I too think that it’s not a horse problem and it IS a problem. At the root, you’re looking at a difference in values, finances, respect, expectations of roles within a family, etc. Those are some big topics that are best sorted out before you’re legally married.

On our first date, my husband and I laid out our priorities. For him, it was his kids. For me it was my critters. I raised the topic because I had dated men prior who expected me to stop riding and spend all my time with them, pop out kids, yada yada.

We moved forward with an understanding but we never really sorted it out as much as we should have. Six years in, there is an underlying current of resentment that goes both ways–me about how much he spends on his kids, him about how much I spend on the horse and dogs. Finances are one thing, emotional abuse is another.

I think that the fact your fiance calls your horses nags, downplays your dreams, and seems to expect that you’ll give up everything to have kids are the most telling and concerning things.

My husband is certainly not “into” horses. But he knows how much I love my mare and he’s never said a cross word about her (aside from questioning how much I pay in board.) But never unkind towards her. And while he may (reasonably) say “I’m not sure we can afford for you to do a half lease and take lessons” it’s not the same as “why waste your time, you suck, it’s never gonna happen.”

If you are so all in at this point that you feel like taking a break isn’t an option, at least get in with a good marriage counselor. And think carefully about how you envision your future. It kind of sounds like your SO’s vision of the future is you, at home, barefoot and pregnant with no hobbies or friends that he hasn’t pre approved. That just doesn’t sound like something I’d want to sign up for.

Good luck OP

[TheJenners]

What does this say about society that we have several posts a year from women who are married/engaged/dating long term a guy who constantly pressures her to give up her passion/passionate hobby, and yet he has hobbies of his own that are non-negotiable? And is nasty about it?

Are we that desperate for affection?

[Mozart]

[QUOTE=TheJenners;8227812]
What does this say about society that we have several posts a year from women who are married/engaged/dating long term a guy who constantly pressures her to give up her passion/passionate hobby, and yet he has hobbies of his own that are non-negotiable? And is nasty about it?

Are we that desperate for affection?[/QUOTE] Maybe I’m wrong but I have a hard time believing that there is a rash of emotionally confused men posting on golf or fishing forums wondering what to do because their fiancé disapproves of the money and time they spend on their passion and they want advice on how to deal with it. I would be happy to be proven wrong, but I doubt I will be.

[Candle]

This is verbal abuse and it’s not going to get any better. You may want to google for traits of a narcissist in a relationship. If he was a mature grown-up, he would come to you a few times, saying things like “I have xyz genuine concerns about how we’re going to make our hobbies work out once we have a family. I really think we should talk about our budget and our goals and what we can do to reach them together”. If this didn’t work because the OP was truly unreasonable, the man in question should then end the relationship due to incompatibility, not start verbally abusing OP. This guy isn’t interested in compromise.

[Bombproof]

[QUOTE=arlosmine;8226003]
Listen to all of the women who have shared their collective experience here. [/QUOTE]

Hey, it’s not just women who are chiming in here. From a man’s perspective, I can tell you that I’d never expect a woman to give up something she’s passionate about without a very good reason and an in-depth discussion. If it were just financially impossible to continue her passion, that should be obvious with some number-crunching and fact-facing. On the flip side, I would never stay with a woman who expected me to support her hobby when it was simply impossible for financial or other reasons. A person who would want that doesn’t respect me. But if everything is as you have presented it, neither of those scenarios applies.

I’m currently single and looking for a partner. I make plenty of money and don’t want or need my partner to support my horse addiction…err…hobby. I do expect her to respect my need to have horses in my life. If she wants to participate, fine. If she wants to do something else while I get my horse fix, fine. If she thinks I spend so much time on horses that I neglect her need for companionship, let’s talk about it; I can be made to see reason. You deserve no less from your partner than I want from mine.

[Bombproof]

[QUOTE=Mozart;8227864]
Maybe I’m wrong but I have a hard time believing that there is a rash of emotionally confused men posting on golf or fishing forums wondering what to do because their fiancé disapproves of the money and time they spend on their passion and they want advice on how to deal with it. I would be happy to be proven wrong, but I doubt I will be.[/QUOTE]
Actually, you are wrong. Being a controlling narcissist is not a gender-specific trait. My ex-wife bitched non-stop about how much I spent on riding and shooting, despite the fact that I made considerably more than her and we never lacked for anything. She didn’t think a thing of dropping $1,500 in a single trip to a high-end clothing store, but $600 for a saddle was going to drive us to the poorhouse. Plenty of other men have had similar experiences. And yes, they do complain about it on golfing and fishing forums. Not on horse forums, of course, because those have been infiltrated by women. :lol:

[Faith]

Walk away…no run away from this one. It’ll only get worse if you marry him. Having children with him will be a death sentence. It took me until I was 45 and two failed marriages to find a man who understands the horse thing. We spend half of our days off with the horses, the other half on the Harley. He would never complain about the horses, I will never complain about hours on the back of the Harley. I’m telling you when you get into joint finances your life will be hell.

[D_BaldStockings]

[QUOTE=ChesapeakeBay;8225316]
Hello COTH Forum members.

I am sure this topic has been discussed here before, but I am stressed to the max and burnt out on trying to explain this myself, so I am looking to see if anyone here has any useful suggestions.

I have been involved in the horse world in some way or another for nearly 25 years, and during much of that time, I have owned horses. And while I do have other interests, horses are by far my passion. In my younger years I took lessons, went to the occasional clinic, and participated in horse shows from time to time. Now, I keep just three low maintenance horses to enjoy that I have had for 15-18 years and are kept semi-retired at my parents’ small farm. It is hard for me to imagine not having horses - they have just always been there.

I am now two years into a relationship and engaged to a non-horsey man. He was brought up in a farming family and continues to raise a few beef and other animals, make hay, etc and has a solid occupation off the farm. Like any relationship has it’s ups and downs, we have one major recurring conflict - horses. From the first week I made it known that horses were important to me, and that I wouldn’t be giving them up, they are a part of me. This has caused more scuffles than I can count over the last 2 years - they’re hayburners/nags/money pits/worthless/insert-adjective-here. Especially when the time comes around for me to pay a large horse-related bill - such as buying hay for the winter, etc. I have tried countless ways to explain horses to him, to no avail. While he’s hopped on a few times, he thinks riding in a ring is dull and going to a horse show is reserved for the rich elite and that I should quit chasing meaningless dreams. Always asking, “well how do you expect to keep horses when we start a family? Think of all the money you could be saving.” Contrary to his belief, I manage to keep my horses well and not spend a fortune. The most recent issue being when he asked how much hay I will need this winter I inquired as to the quality and he replied, “what does it matter? They’re old nags.” Could I put that hay/vet/farrier money to something else? Of course, but I’d probably be lost. I feel sometimes that he sees them more as an inconvenience and not something that makes me happy.

I recently had this discussion with a horsey friend, now a mom, who was in a very similar situation. It took her husband 3 years before he realized and accepted that horses were there and part of the package. I see other women all the time who manage a job/career, horses and family - I don’t see why I couldn’t either.

I’ll also add that I don’t “live in my barn,” that while I enjoy my horse time, I also spend plenty of time doing things with him that he likes to do (even if I’m not entirely interested, such as fishing, or Harley Davidson rallies…).

So my questions are thus - Have any of you experienced a relationship where the other half just didn’t understand your need to have a horse or ride or that they were just simply a part of your life? How did you overcome that? Did you give up the horse in favor of the relationship? How do you manage time between your job, family, and horses? Are there any good articles online that explain what it’s like to be in a relationship with a horse person? Helpful perspectives are welcome.[/QUOTE]

Put your foot down.

Tell him in no uncertain terms you won’t take any more insulting, mean, belittling comments about your life and your horses. NIP IT. With all the momma-bear in you.

If he doesn’t like it or comes back at it again, ever? He is the wrong man for you.

He will likely leave if he finds out he cannot control you - and it will be ‘your unreasonable, immature fault…’

It is not better to marry than to be a whole, strong person. Your post shows he wants a foil to his life; a Barbie, a boy-toy. That is not enough for you. Be strong.
Sorry for your distress.

[Bombproof]

[QUOTE=D_BaldStockings;8228098]
Your post shows he wants a foil to his life; a Barbie, a boy-toy.[/QUOTE]

No man worth having wants one of those anyway.

[Mozart]

[QUOTE=Bombproof;8228070]
Actually, you are wrong. Being a controlling narcissist is not a gender-specific trait. My ex-wife bitched non-stop about how much I spent on riding and shooting, despite the fact that I made considerably more than her and we never lacked for anything. She didn’t think a thing of dropping $1,500 in a single trip to a high-end clothing store, but $600 for a saddle was going to drive us to the poorhouse. Plenty of other men have had similar experiences. And yes, they do complain about it on golfing and fishing forums. Not on horse forums, of course, because those have been infiltrated by women. :lol:[/QUOTE] I totally agree that being a controlling narcissist is not gender specific. It just seems to me that when there is talk of one partner giving up their hobby/sport/passion, it is male asking the female or the female doing it voluntarily as they think it will smooth things over in the relationship. But if you say this is the same across the genders, as I said, I am happy to be wrong.

[Bombproof]

Maybe I should take out an ad on horse forums:

“Woman wanted to be partner for kind, considerate man with good income. Ideal partner would be willing to be full-time barn queen to care for and ride quality horses. Must enjoy riding with partner. Must be comfortable with getting dirty. Ability to back a trailer a definite plus. Please send photo of self shoveling poop.” :lol:

[Velvet]

I bet your COTH mailbox will be full by the end of the day. :yes:

[GraceLikeRain]

OP. Be with someone who helps make you happy and helps you stay happy. It really is that simple.

You are looking for your forever partner. Your best friend. The person who will hold your hand and rub your back when you stress over yet another stone bruise or offer to do the dishes when you are sporting blisters from mucking stalls. Someone who may never understand why you hate sweating yet go ride when it is 100 degrees outside. But, despite that, feels nothing but joy when he sees you trudge back in sweaty, filthy, and grinning from ear to ear after an awesome ride.

My SO does motocross. The garage smells like gasoline and chain lubricant spray. The track always seems to be 15 degrees hotter than anywhere else. There is rarely indoor plumbing or refreshments. Going with him on practice day is usually an 8-5 event.

That being said, I am track side with a bottle of water, a massive smile, and overwhelming pride on race day. I will never 100% understand motocross but I understand what it means to him. Even though I will never get on a bike, I love the way he loves the sport.

We are best friends. We are there for each other even if we are not passionate about the other’s hobby.

I want him to be happy. I want to make him happy. Supporting his sport is such a simple way for both to happen simultaneously. It doesn’t mean that we don’t ever discuss finances or the feasibility of a new goal. It does mean that every discussion is framed around the understanding that the bikes are staying and how can we, together, make something possible.

You deserve happiness.

Are you comfortable permanently intertwining your life with someone who doesn’t want to see you at your happiest?

[betsyk]

I think there are probably as many men who have been “forced” to give up golf or their boat or whatever expensive hobby they had, when they got married and started a family, as there are women who were “forced” to give up horses. I put “forced” in quotes because we all know there are different interpretations of that idea… I definitely think it goes both ways, and the resentment goes both ways as well. My dad had race cars while I was growing up, and I can remember overhearing conversations about So-and-So whose wife wouldn’t let him do Such-and-Such and so he decided to keep the race car and get rid of the wife.

[Sandy_M]

[QUOTE=Bombproof;8228119]
Maybe I should take out an ad on horse forums:

“Woman wanted to be partner for kind, considerate man with good income. Ideal partner would be willing to be full-time barn queen to care for and ride quality horses. Must enjoy riding with partner. Must be comfortable with getting dirty. Ability to back a trailer a definite plus. Please send photo of self shoveling poop.” :lol:[/QUOTE]

I’m up for all that, but I’m afraid I’m waaaaay to old for you. LOL!!! [Evidence of my attitude that the horse(s) is/are staying, and equally, I wouldn’t want to short my partner in a relationship because of them - so still single at an advanced age. ;0)]

[Invested1]

[QUOTE=Bombproof;8228119]
Maybe I should take out an ad on horse forums:

“Woman wanted to be partner for kind, considerate man with good income. Ideal partner would be willing to be full-time barn queen to care for and ride quality horses. Must enjoy riding with partner. Must be comfortable with getting dirty. Ability to back a trailer a definite plus. Please send photo of self shoveling poop.” :lol:[/QUOTE]

Only problem with that is that so many of us have worked damn hard to get to where we are in the workforce in order to afford this hobby.

While being a full-time barn queen on one hand sounds awesome, on the other it sounds terrible! :lol:

That said, I think an ad like that would get PLENTY of responses!!

[Bombproof]

[QUOTE=Velvet;8228125]
I bet your COTH mailbox will be full by the end of the day. :yes:[/QUOTE]

That’s not a bad thing. :winkgrin: