Okay, I feel badly. If the OP wanted ideas on how to manage her horses within the context of a relationship with this guy, who are we to do anything but give her ideas? So, OP, if you would indeed like to be married to this guy, and keep horses in your life, this is what I would envision (and itâs not particularly âfair.â But, if it would work for you and your fella, thatâs what matters).
So, you would not, as a matter of habit, bring up the horses or their hay or their vet bills (which youâll likely be paying out of your own money, to keep the peace) in conversation, as his hearing about them might open up the criticism box. You would squeeze the majority of your horse time into those hours when you were either not at work or not expected to be home or doing something with the fella.
You would have to sit down with fella and discuss what he felt he could accommodate for how much time you spent with the horses. You would have to explain to him that you didnât want to hear criticism of one of your passions, and ask him if he is able to contain his criticism under the âIf you have nothing nice to sayâŠâ rule. You would tell him that you are supportive of his passions, and you would ask him if he could be supportive of your spending x evenings or mornings per week with the horses, with the understanding that there would be the occasional need for more time, for illnesses, etc. You would have to negotiate how to âmake upâ for the horse time. Hopefully he would be willing and able to articulate an answer, and stick to it over the next few years, but, the fact is that you might never get a real answer out of him.
Then, on the days when you did spend time with the horses, you could likely have to do the equivalent of another part-time job making sure that fella did not feel like he was âsecond bestâ to the horses. This could very well entail making him a hot dinner and following up with a B.J. or other action aimed at restoring his sense of being important, at the end of every âhorse day.â If a horse gets sick, it may very well be that fella will make you feel badly about spending extra time with the horse, so you may want to be prepared with a surprise for him âfor being so nice about when Dobbin was sickâ of tickets to whatever he likes, etc.
Be aware that unless something major is revealed by him in your heart to heart conversation with him about spending time with the horses, the tension over the horses will never go away, and there will be no âgetting easier.â The tension over the horses will become one of the main identifiers of your marriage.
And you will hear VERY often about his feelings regarding your horses. He will likely convey his disapproval to your mutual friends and family, often at dinners or other events where you may feel you canât jump in and defend yourself and remind him of what he agreed to regarding horse time. His public criticism will be something you will just need to learn to let slide off you with a wave and a shrug and an eye roll to your (probably embarrassed) friends.
Finally, my dear⊠understand that his behavior probably is not about the horses. Theyâre just an easy target. There is likely something else going on that keeps him continuing to set you up as being âless thanâ he is. You may find, as time goes on, that the horses were just the beginning, and daily dinnertime, including in front of any children, will include him telling you what you should have done better. It may be that the horses â in other words, you â get blamed for everything from his having a bad day at work to either of you gaining weight or the children being cranky, etc.
It may be that despite your twisting yourself into someone who meets with his definition of a good partner, he still is not happy with you and in 10 years you find yourself divorced, with young children, being a single parent, but with your sources of emotional support (friends and hobbies and horizons) perhaps very altered because you had to change them over the years in order to get along peacefully with this particular partner.
At best, if you marry this individual, you can expect years more of the same as you get from him now. At worst, he would become ever more critical, and you would end up constantly trying to change yourself to make him happy.
Only you can decide if he is worth it. To me, it sounds like he would make your life smaller and duller, when I would like to think that marriage should make life âlargerâ and more âTechnicolor.â
Wishing you happiness, whatever path you choose regarding the future.
