How do I deal with middle school barn drama?

[Kirikou]

I offer group lessons and the majority of my riders are middle school girls. With the program growing, I am encountering more instances of “middle school drama” and I am not quite sure how to deal with it.
For instance this evening a Mom emailed me to complain about another rider being “mean” to her daughter about posting photos of her favorite horse on social media.

I am sorry they’re not getting along (they ride in different group lessons) but I am not sure a) what the Mom expect me to do about it other than sympathize, b) whether there’s even anything I could do about it.

I assured the Mom that her daughter should feel free to post pictures of any of the lesson horses - but if the other girl truly is ‘mean’ to her daughter, shouldn’t she take it up with the other girl’s parents?

[clanter]

this is a school horse?..if so offer to sell the horse to woman so then she has control of “her daughter’s favorite horse” otherwise I guess her daughter will learn about life …or just show her the Off switch of whatever device she is using to view the photos

[Kirikou]

@clanter

or just show her the Off switch of whatever device she is using to view the photos

I love this!
And yes, this is a schoolie that I own.
I know it’s hard to be a teenager and that parents want to protect/help their kids, but still…

[Scribbler]

That’s not middle school drama. That’s helicopter parent drama. An entirely different and worse thing.

Pony Club appears to do pretty good at teaching sportsmanship and team playing though I suppose it depends on how much the parents buy into good sportsmanship.

I have no idea on specifics but going forward it might be useful to think about having some good sportsmanahip/ anti bullying component built into your less program and into your orientation material for parents.

And for you personally to think through what you do when helicopter parents start to annoy you. I actually think it’s outrageous this mother called you about this.

The thing to be careful about is that sometimes kids are perfectly capable of negotiating their own social lives but their parents are sociopathic troublemakers. Also in a situation like this, the first person to contact you can make it seem like they are the victim, but for all you know the daughter of this woman is the antagonist.

Teen girls can get mean when they are competing for a limited resource, like adult attention and praise, or boys, or horse time.

Perhaps one part of team building is talking about how we all love and share the school horses, you will always remember them, when you move on to other horses and even your own horse. Try to get them past feeling too much ownership of a horse they don’t own and never will. Maybe talk a bit in passing about how much you care for the horses that you own. It’s really easy even for adults to start getting a possessive rescue mentality about the horses they lease or even lesson on. If you make a point of mentioning your ownership in passing every lesson in some context it might dampen this competition to “own” the horse. Like some women try to run off suspected competition by continually saying “my husband” this and that.

But if girls are fighting at school and online and bringing it to the barn, there’s not much you can do besides make them keep a lid on it at the barn.

[trubandloki]

I am confused what the problem here is.
A kid posted a photo. Someone else posted a comment that the kid did not like. The kid is learning how social media works. Block that person.

I am part of the world that thinks a lesson barn does need to teach horsemanship and sportsmanship. What I am not sure is how a lesson barn teaches people to not be middle school girls. I suppose you can have a code of ethics that you require all your young riders to agree to and if you find out they are not following it they will no longer be part of your program. But past that, I think you show be example how to be an upstanding human and that is all you can do.

[Scribbler]

Also how do you get the mothers to stop acting like middle school girls?

[Willesdon]

I recall the story of a university department riven by politics, arguments and petty jealousy. A new Head of Department arrived. After a year or so, someone asked him how he had so completely turned around the morale and culture of the department. He answered “Really? What politics? Who was arguing? I’ve never noticed. I’ve just been getting my work done”.

Tell the parents that you are not interested in the social problems they or their children might have because you are focused on teaching the children to ride and in promoting good horsemanship. That is your job, you want to do it well, and anything else is above your paygrade (and, by implication, of absolutely no interest to you).

[173north]

This stuff has been happening forever, social media is just a newer way to communicate it. When I was a kid, my sister (who has always struggled socially) got kicked out of a barn for being unkind to other kids.

I’ve seen some bigger lesson programs that have explicit sportsmanship/social media policies. Be kind to all your barnmates in real life and online or you will be asked to leave the barn. Up to you if that’s something you feel like you want to take on.

[MsM]

I agree that online bickering is not your department. With a parent like that, I think you have to make it clear that you have no part of dealing with stuff outside of the barn. I think the best reply is something along the lines of " I will deal with any rude behavior I see at the barn." and leave it at that. All too easy to get drawn into this and you absolutely do not need to be involved.

[candyappy]

Don’t allow phones at the lesson or pictures to be taken by the offending students?

If they are not mature enough to be responsible with how they use it , then they can lose the privilege.

[Scribbler]

I would be careful of putting in any rules about phones without knowing the back story and I don’t think you need to evrn try to get the back story.

It could be something like: helicopter mom’s daughter posts a photo of “my beautiful horse” and frenemy comments “that’s not your horse I ride him too he’s just lesson string.”

The best you can do is encourage team and good sportsmanship at the barn, and perhaps switch up the rides to keep girls from getting possessive and jealous about the horses. And drop hints about bring kind on and off the horse.

Don’t allow the girls to act out or snip at each in your presence. Model positive behavior. Don’t let them bring their drama to the barn. Then you can tell the mothers that you don’t see drama at the barn but you are not in a position to police the girls 24/7 outside of the barn, when they are just there for a once or twice a week lesson

You can certainly ban taking photos or videos of other people’s rides without their permission or posting photos of other riders without their permission. But I dont think you can or should ban photos of horses or selfies with horses.

[Djones]

@Kirikou

For instance this evening a Mom emailed me to complain about another rider being “mean” to her daughter about posting photos of her favorite horse on social media.

So long as the girls are being safe about having their phones with them around the horses, this is not your concern.

I would likely speak to the mom in question (not email. face to face) and say something along the lines of “I appreciate that you are concerned about your daughter’s social media. As you know, my students are welcome to use their phones so long as they are safe around the horses and each other. My program focuses on safety, horsemanship, and good sportsmanship. I will make sure that I remind the groups about the good sportsmanship piece in general terms, but I am not getting involved in the details on who said what to whom online.Thanks for your understanding.” And just keep on that path and yeah- there is no harm in generally addressing good sportsmanship and being supportive of other riders while AVOIDING the trap of Sally hates Tina and OMG.

[hoopoe]

OP have you done Safe Sport?

You might want to review the safe sport content, particularly the part of social media use and bullying and hazing. Even if Safe Sport does not directly apply to you ( if you do not show) It might provide some tools and context.

I agree the issue at hand ( if there is even one in the first place ) is for parents to resolve.

I think those of us here who grew up in school barns had “our own” horse. Since it was back in the 60s I was never aware that anyone else had a special crush on the two schoolies I rode. even 50 years later I can close my eyes and remember these two horses, certain rides and details. Other horses are a blurr.

[BatCoach]

I’m trying to imagine what exactly happened and if it is any business of the riding instructor / barn owner.

My speculative guess is that these girls are at an age where they are incredibly possessive of things (real or imagined) that are “THEIRS.” Middle school girls are also notoriously obsessive (remember back to those teeny-bopper crushes on boy bands or David Cassidy or whatever hunk of the month your generation had).

Then add in social media and everything gets magnified by 20.

I used to teach pony camp and the pre-teens would croon about how much they loved ‘their’ horse and how ‘their’ horse and them had such a special connection that no one else could ever possibly love that horse as much as they do. Real Saddle Club/ Thoroughbred book series level stuff. Its like they are cos-playing horse ownership. Its not a bad thing necessarily - they are still children living in a somewhat fantasy world, but it can get out of hand when they need to be reminded of the reality that 1. this horse isnt theirs 2. lots of people ride this horse and they all think Dobbin is special, not just you.

I think the FB ‘incident’ could have been as simple as girl 1 posts picture her riding of Dobbin lesson horse with the comment that “I love my horse Dobbin, he is the best horse ever and there will never ever be another horse like him! He understands me and is just perfect.” girl #2 sees comment, feels threatened that someone else loves HER lesson horse Dobbin, so she comments something like " you can’t even canter on Dobbin, I AM the only one who can get Dobbin to canter." or whatever.

As to how this involves you, it really doesn’t. The parents need to do their jobs and use this situation to teach their girls about boundaries on social media and the fact that they share a lesson horse with many other people. The offended party can always choose to block the ‘mean’ girl from her account. Problem solved.

[hoopoe]

perhaps come up with a generic talk you can give each group at the end of their lesson. Thank each rider for being part of their horses team of riders. Team Dobbin and Team Thunder etc. Point out how good it is that Dobbin and Thunder can teach his girls all about horsemanship. Make sure they understand that while their horse supports them, they must all support each other as well. They are all learning and the horse teaches them at their pace. This goes beyond this single issue and in to what it is to be a team player, good sport and have social grace

Since school is starting soon, this might defuse.

[S1969]

@Kirikou

For instance this evening a Mom emailed me to complain about another rider being “mean” to her daughter about posting photos of her favorite horse on social media.

I think it’s weird that the mom emailed you.

Unless, the purpose of the email was just to prepare you for potential in person drama, in which case I would be glad for the heads up.

That said, I agree that your best response is a generic one, and would definitely not get involved in what is being said online. Your relationship is with your students, while in the barn. Unless it’s a safety issue, it’s not your job to know how these kids behave elsewhere.

Your response is perfect “Susie is always welcome to post pictures of any of the lesson horses” and maybe even add, “but of course I do not want to be involved in who says what about whom, unless this kind of drama is happening in the barn. In the barn - I’m in charge, and I will manage any conflicts.”

Ugh…middle school kids can suck.

[endlessclimb]

I’d want to see the exchange so I knew exactly what I was dealing with.

If it’s minor: Canned talk at the end of all lessons for a week about sportsmanship in and out of the barn, with the parents there too. Everyone needs to hear it. Good sportsmanship, teamwork, and no negativity allowed if it involves your program.

If it’s more severe: Same canned talk, with a discussion with the offending party’s parents privately, short and sweet: If Suzie can’t quit making drama, then she’s out of the lesson program.

I think barn morale and enforcing good conduct (at least good public visibility conduct) is your responsibility. Of course, if Suzie wants to talk smack at a sleepover and you’re none the wiser, then there’s nothing you can do. But anything that can reflect badly on your lesson program needs to be dealt with, even if it is just middle school drama.

Short and sweet, cold and calculated. You are a role model and a mentor, and sometimes that job involves being tough on someone.

But, first and foremost, you need to see the offending material to determine the severity.

[atl_hunter]

Unfortunately, it’s not a simple situation and what matters more than the photo that was shared is the context. Was there a caption with the photo, and if so, what was it? Did it imply something about the other child that wasn’t kind? If so, that does need to be addressed.

Was it merely a photo of a horse that doesn’t belong to either of these children and child #2 and her mom are offended by this? Then you don’t have an action to take with the child who posted the photo - the action to take is with the dramatic mother of child #2 to let her know that your lesson horses are available for all the riders, and anyone can take photos of them and post them online (and as someone mentioned, if little Suzie needs her own horse then her mother can always buy her one).

I’ve been in a barn with a little drama starter. She was kicked out of one barn, then went to a new barn where she continued with her poor behavior. She was one of the “I ride better than you. I did the rollback better than anyone. Sally might have won at the show but it’s just because her mom bought her a 6 figure horse and she really can’t ride” types. A real joy to have in the barn. She’d do splitting, and only invite some kids to her house for parties and leave out others.

Trainer was also highly dramatic so they were interesting. Everyone else left due to ongoing drama, and then little drama starter was the only child left in the program. She eventually moved on to yet another program.

If you find that you have one little drama starter, I recommend lovingly referring them on. They can ruin so much, and quickly!

[Kirikou]

Thanks everyone for the thoughtful comments and great ideas!

@BatCoach

as girl 1 posts picture her riding of Dobbin lesson horse with the comment that “I love my horse Dobbin, he is the best horse ever and there will never ever be another horse like him! He understands me and is just perfect.” girl #2 sees comment, feels threatened that someone else loves HER lesson horse Dobbin, so she comments something like " you can’t even canter on Dobbin, I AM the only one who can get Dobbin to canter." or whatever.

I’ve been somewhat reluctant to actually ask to see the offending comments (I don’t think the mother has seen them either to be honest - those kids are really into Snapchat and the likes) as I don’t want to get sucked into the “outside of the barn” drama if it’s something really as trivial as little Suzie being mad that someone else posted pictures of “her” pony. By the sound of the mother’s email, it did sound like something along the lines of what BatCoach is describing here, middle-school kids uber-possessiveness.

I should point out that while I’ve over-heard rumblings of “drama” happening outside the barn (at school, online about liking the same boy or competing for the same spot on the track team, etc), these girls have - so far - always behaved well at the barn. They’re polite, they help each other - at least in front of me.
That being said, I think I’ll amp up my little speeches about general sportmanship (I’ll re-read the Safesport materials - great idea!) and how we all love “Dobbin” and “Thunder” because they teach us so much - to all of us…

[Kirikou]

@clanter

her mother call wanting to know if we still had “that horse”… yes… could we have some of the horse’s mane to put in her casket? They said that their daughter adored the horse, which I knew as at times I would find her just setting in her stall talking to the horse

This is so moving Clanter!