How do I deal with middle school barn drama?

[S1969]

@atl_hunter

Unfortunately, it’s not a simple situation and what matters more than the photo that was shared is the context. Was there a caption with the photo, and if so, what was it? Did it imply something about the other child that wasn’t kind? If so, that does need to be addressed.

Not by the riding instructor. That’s so not her job.

Now, it could be addressed simply to both girls, or all lesson students in a “hey, look, social media can be a problem. If I hear about my lesson students involved in unsportsmanlike conduct online, there may be consequences here.”

But I’d leave that pretty vague - I would not out student #1 by addressing this with student #2 “Jane’s mom said that you were mean on Facebook”…that is just going to make things worse.

Saying out loud only gives the heads up that you may impose some consequences if you feel it is necessary. But I would avoid specifics unless you really get dragged into it by these students directly.

[endlessclimb]

Yeah, I wouldn’t make it specific, except to maybe the parents of the mean girl. Don’t expose the parents, just say you saw it/was tagged in it, and it’s not to happen again.

[Ruth0552]

Middle School Girls are vicious, life sucking creatures. Most of them anyways.

I think the one point you should really emphasize is that no one should be posting anything negative about any of the horses. I ran into a situation once where one rider had to ride a certain horse in a lesson and told someone else (not sure how) that he was a “piece of crap.” Or something like that. Instructor was INFURIATED and appropriately lectured everyone about respecting our mounts.

I think talking about sportsmanship is great, but maybe also throw in some stuff about respecting the horses and make sure they understand how wonderful they are to teach all of them.

[Luseride]

I teach middle school and middle school age riders, plus I am a FFA Advisor. The way I deal with parents about such situations I emphasize to parents that I cannot control social media. I might privately speak with the ones involved, mostly about how to hit that block button.

[atl_hunter]

@S1969

@atl_hunter

Unfortunately, it’s not a simple situation and what matters more than the photo that was shared is the context. Was there a caption with the photo, and if so, what was it? Did it imply something about the other child that wasn’t kind? If so, that does need to be addressed.

Not by the riding instructor. That’s so not her job.

Now, it could be addressed simply to both girls, or all lesson students in a “hey, look, social media can be a problem. If I hear about my lesson students involved in unsportsmanlike conduct online, there may be consequences here.”

But I’d leave that pretty vague - I would not out student #1 by addressing this with student #2 “Jane’s mom said that you were mean on Facebook”…that is just going to make things worse.

Saying out loud only gives the heads up that you may impose some consequences if you feel it is necessary. But I would avoid specifics unless you really get dragged into it by these students directly.

It really depends on what is being stated in the message. If one child is bullying another, and the trainer has been made aware of this, then the trainer absolutely needs to be a part of the solution. You can’t allow a child to bully another.

IF it’s truly bullying, then the trainer can and should address it with the offending child’s mother and have the mother address it with the child. The no-nonsense program I was in where child was “lovingly referred” elsewhere involved the trainer sitting the offending child and parent down and explaining this behavior isn’t allowed here. She just couldn’t control herself and did it again, and that was the final straw. And this kid actually had her own horse, so it was a lot more at stake.

I love your approach to sitting both girls down if necessary.

But hey, for all we know it’s all quite innocent and the one child is just insanely jealous. And the answer to that is “Buy Suzie her own pony…:”

The best way to stop drama is to 1. take action to stop it and 2 express that it’s not allowed

I would not, however, get involved on social channels to stop it - I would have a discussion. I’m not sure if that was clear in my initial post but from your response I feel there is a need to clarify that. This is about seeing the post, determining if the content is offensive, and then dealing with that directly with the offender and parent present if necessary.

I think we’re actually saying the same thing here.

[Scribbler]

It’s going to be impossible to track down what happened especially on an app like snap chat that evaporates. Even the mother doesnt know.

Therefore it’s impossible to address it specifically without going down a rabbit hole. It’s important to remember that in interpersonal disputes the one that complains first is not necessarily the innocent victim. Indeed, it’s not uncommon for people who by any objective standard are the instigator of conflict, harassment, or bullying to figure out how to use authority figures as part of that harassment (telling mom, teacher, police, etc).

It’s also possible for someone child or adult to over react to something on SM that has no malicious content or even intent.

I think another angle to the social media aspect is to say generally that when interpersonal drama gets attached to an institution on SM, it really damages the reputation of the institution. Other people seeing it could decide to take their business elsewhere. It really impacts you and the horses, potentially.

That is something tweens don’t know. They are surrounded by middle school drama. And they consume vast quantities of online material where entertainers a bit older than them huff and puff and sashay and flounce and act out and create train wrecks because that kind of drama is catnip to a teen audience. And all the reality shows provide tween level drama for their adult contestants.

So you could be 13 and be under the impression that creating drama on SM is a neutral to good to even lucrative activity.

I belatedly came upon the saga of the teenage white rapper Bhad Bhaby who parlayed a Dr Phil temper tantrum at age 13 into a rap career, with the help of a cynical promoter. It is an object lesson in the power of bad behavior to make you moderately wealthy in some entertainment niches.

But that’s only true in a certain slice of SM entertainment. The rest of the world does not want drama attached to its institutions and businesses. People do get fired for this, if they involve their employer or become too notorious in some way including IRL conflict that gets filmed and goes viral.

So every one of your students can be seen as “representing” the stables, horses, program. If they are able to maintain the reality and the image of being a happy cohesive team, that will make the rest of the world respect them, the program, you, the horses. If they start fighting in public they make themselves and by extension the program and the horses look like trash and could make people avoid or downgrade the barn. No one likes barn drama and people avoid barns with drama. Your SM drama rebounds negatively on you.

Tweens don’t necessarily understand this, indeed many adults don’t either. But tweens may even believe that SM drama is cool, or good PR, or makes them into the next Kardashian.

[OfCourseItsAnAlter]

@endlessclimb

Yeah, I wouldn’t make it specific, except to maybe the parents of the mean girl. Don’t expose the parents, just say you saw it/was tagged in it, and it’s not to happen again.

But you have no way of knowing if the “mean girl” was even actually mean. Just because some kid whined to her mother that “Janie said mean things to me” doesn’t mean that Janie actually said something that any rational human being would consider “mean.”

[endlessclimb]

Read my post prior, where I said the very first thing to do is to see the comments to judge the severity.

[Scribbler]

Snapchat evaporates. No one can see them now. Also there may have been an interaction on Snapchat or across platforms in which the girl whose mother contacted you was not an innocent victim.

Also do the girls really want their mothers interfering? Mother could be stirring the pot and creating drama herself.

Stay out of it.

[lenapesadie]

@Kirikou

I offer group lessons and the majority of my riders are middle school girls. With the program growing, I am encountering more instances of “middle school drama” and I am not quite sure how to deal with it.

Buy more wine. Possibly tequila.

You are responsible for what happens while the kiddos are in your care. So if Suzy is calling Betty names in the tack room, you gotta deal with that. How I don’t know, back in my day hard labor instead of riding was the punishment for misbehaving at the barn, but I doubt the parents are willing to pay for that these days.

You are not responsible for children’s phone use. You are not responsible for children’s behavior at school. That’s outside of your domain. You are not responsible for establishing social media useage policies for lesson kids.

But, wine. My local grocer offers a discount if you buy 4 bottles at a time. Just FYI

[S1969]

@endlessclimb

Read my post prior, where I said the very first thing to do is to see the comments to judge the severity.

How does a trainer do this? Demand that her students “friend” her on Facebook so she can read all their posts/comments? Ask for their phones at the start of each lesson?

No way - stay entirely out of it. Also, make sure that neither the trainer nor the barn can be tagged without accepting it (at least that’s an option on Facebook, not sure what other social media platforms allow). That way the barn can’t be drawn in without knowledge/consent.

There is no reasonable way for anyone (including parents) to police kids’ actions on social media, but it’s not the responsibility of anyone other than the parents to really try. The trainer can remind their students that taking lessons is a privilege, not a right, and unsportsmanlike behavior in person or online could result in being dropped by the barn. But that’s about where I would leave it.

[trubandloki]

@lenapesadie

You are not responsible for establishing social media useage policies for lesson kids.

But you are allowed to have a social media policy regarding your business and how they represent your business.

[Old_Mac_Donald]

If a parent offered proof (print out, screenshot etc) of genuine, cruel bullying towards a rider, I would suggest to the bully (if they are also a rider) that their participation in riding is suspended, pending: an apology to the victim, 10 mucked stalls, and a scrubbed trough. No want to work? No worries, no riding for you.

Bullying IS a terrible problem for young girls, and giving a bully an option to either reflect or leave might be a valuable tool. They choose leave? Well… trash takes itself out.

Also, parents need to be informed: “Mrs Suzy? Little Suzy just called Little Joey a fat pig in jodhpurs. This is unacceptable behaviour for students in my program. Little Suzy is being suspended from lessons until a mediated apology is made, and stalls mucked. Oh, you think that’s unacceptable? Well, I am afraid this might not be the right lesson program for her. Bye!”

Alternatively, casually reassign them to Joe Slow Fluffypants schoolie, the ugly plod (worth his weight in gold) who farts over fences and isn’t above the odd pitstop at X. No, Suzy, you may not ride Black Beauty today. Joe Slow needs some manners, he’s naughty with the kids. I need you to ride him a bit and get him sharpened up for, be a duck.

A bit of pony humility might take a mean girl down a peg.

[Mercedes2]

If these middle school girls are publicly posting on Facebook or Instagram in a way that makes your program look bad then that’s something you want to deal with. If it’s Snapchat and the messages just disappear then honestly the mother should have the good sense to tell her daughter to delete the “mean girl” from her friends list. Problem solved!

A general discussion with your team on sportsmanship and the importance of maintaining a network of friends in the industry certainly wouldn’t hurt but I’d be very hesitant to police what students are doing on private social media. That’s the domain of the parents.

[walktrot]

Why so much free time? If they have a lesson at 2 pm they should arrive at the barn a few minutes before 2. They leave when they have finished the lesson, untacked and turned out the horse if that is part of the lesson. Then they wish each other a pleasant evening and leave.

If they are way early or hang around afterwards you are providing child care. They can pay for it, or you can train those kids to be teenage barn rats and get them started on chores. Phones are not necessary when picking stalls, sweeping the tack room, or cleaning up loose hay.

[trubandloki]

@walktrot

If they have a lesson at 2 pm they should arrive at the barn a few minutes before 2

Um… Grooming and tacking before a lesson is part of horsemanship and it takes more than a few minutes.

[lenapesadie]

@trubandloki

But you are allowed to have a social media policy regarding your business and how they represent your business.

I’m not sure how a social media policy for a business prevents kids from being mean to one another on their individual Snapchat accounts? Ban them from posting pictures taken at the barn? Demand that they only use approved verbiage when commenting on each other’s personal posts? Dismiss them from the program if they don’t comply? How will this be monitored? Will the OP need to approve all posts and comments possibly including content related to her business across all social media platforms? Bar individuals from tagging her business in their personal posts without her prior approval? Set comments on the business social media page to need approval prior to publishing?

Since the lessoners are minors, the social media policy will need to be presented to and agreed to by the parents, the adults. The adults will then need to enforce the policy with their minor children.

As a legal adult, I am bound by a contract regarding social media with my employer. I am not allowed to take or post pictures of my work place. I am not allowed to call my employer out by name on social media. I am not allowed to engage with clients on social media via my personal page or in comments on the business page. I cannot tag my employer in posts. I can share posts published by my employer but that is tricky because it would be easy to unintentionally engage with a client in the comments. I cannot attempt to interpret on explain posts or policies regarding my employer on social media in anyway.

Attempting such a policy for a lesson program seems, well absurd in my mind.

The OP can lay out her expectations for sportsmanlike behavior. But IMO attempting to police social media useage of minor children seems like an effort in futility.

Buy wine and accept that kids and their parents will have drama.

[trubandloki]

@lenapesadie

I’m not sure how a social media policy for a business prevents kids from being mean to one another on their individual Snapchat accounts?

It doesn’t. I was simply saying that the barn owner can make a policy about social media and the barn. That might include not allowing phones at lessons (so no one records other kids, for example).

Edit to add - the OP has already said they allow the kids to take photos of the lesson horses and all that. Which I think is great.

[Scribbler]

With a service industry like riding lessons you actually do want your clients to maintain a healthy SM presence to help your own marketing and “build your brand.”

Its different from your SM policy for employees.

I understand that kids have basically migrated off Facebook and that they are more likely to be on platforms like Tiktok for videos and Snapchat. Most businesses are still using FB with its coherent tagging and linking procedures. The other platforms don’t really work like that.

[hoopoe]

@trubandloki

But you are allowed to have a social media policy regarding your business and how they represent your business

and within Safe Sport there are rules about social media and bully behavior , which the coach is responsible towards. The issue here is the unknown event, and where it falls inside the requirements. Parents should review safe sport as well and know what their responsibilities are. While OP may not be taking these girls to federation shows, the guidelines are good and broad reaching.

without further information for the OP the parent is on the hook for this behavior