How to cope with uninterested SO

[TwoSocks]

Hi everyone. It’s been a while.

I took a decently long break from horses (almost a year) after getting overwhelmed by my past lease horse, and an overwhelming feeling of burnout. I have my herd at home, but I returned the lease horse, stopped riding, and just enjoyed letting them be horses. But recently, I got the bug again! I’ve started taking lessons again, and went to a three day show with a friend’s gelding. It feels amazing to be back.

Okay, to the problem at hand. I’m used to friends not understanding horses and being uninterested in the sport in general, but with my SO it feels almost personal. I’m in a long distance relationship (almost two years!), and was pretty low-contact for the three days I was gone at the event. I sent my partner some pictures, which got no response. None. I literally had to call her and ask her how the pictures looked, and she stumbled through saying that the grounds looked pretty. Gee thanks, hun. Im also jumping an oxer in the picture! After I got back, she hasn’t asked about it at all. Life is just “back to normal”, like I didn’t go anywhere. She doesn’t ask about the horses at all (whether they’re mine or sales horses), even when I tell her that I’m going out of town for a few days to look at sale horses. They used to ask more about the horses when I was in my burnout phase, and now that I’m back riding and showing they don’t seem to give it a second thought.

Again, I’m so used to friends not caring, but it almost offends me with my SO. Maybe this is just a vent post, but how do I cope with the fact that my SO doesn’t care?

[Scribbler]

Just accept it. Having some space in a relationship is good.

[RemarkableOwl21]

Has your SO been able to experience horses with you? Maybe they will warm up if they spend more time with your horses. They might enjoy the horses or see first-hand how happy horses make you.

I’ve been married 12 years to a non-horsey husband. I wish he would join me at the boarding stable more, but I’ve accepted that he’s just not that into it. It’s enough that he asks about my horse sometimes and is fairly supportive of this expensive and time-consuming hobby. It’s OK for us to have our own hobbies.

[Willesdon]

Do you share some common interests, do you do things together, does your SO do things in which you have zero interest?

[Foxglove]

Not sure my reply will be helpful —my DH of 45 years owned horses when I married him --cool, I thought! But then learned they were race horses that lived far away with his uncle who trained them. I never saw one. But, from the onset of our marriage, he encouraged me to own a horse or two and would pitch in to feed when asked. As for any kind of interest in what I did with them, well, not really --he does and always did participate in the social aspects of the hunt club. He (finally) began attending 3-Day Events when youngest daughter became successful (I think he loved the parties . . .) fast forward ten years . . .I took up Mounted Archery and began to travel the MidWest with a gal-pal going to competitions 4-5 times a year.

Freeze out. Never spoke of the competitions, asked how I scored, looked at my pictures —na-da!

After I had a good competition only 30 min from our farm over four days, and he never came to watch me at all . . .I’d had enough.

We had a dust up about it. The conclusion was that he, now retired, MISSED ME. There was no one home to care for him or interact with him when I was gone. At that point, I offered to stop Mounted Archery and stay home.
He said no, he wanted me to be happy . . .and we talked about what he could do while I was gone. The big difference was that he is semi retired and spends more time at home (with me) than he used to.

It hasn’t been perfect --he still (sometimes) gets a bit morose about me leaving, but I recognize why now and somehow that makes it easier. I like knowing it isn’t my problem.

You might take a look at “Passive Aggressive behavior” because that’s what my DH was doing (I just saw it as he didn’t care --but apparently he did care very much --that I was gone).

Sit down with yourself and ask what you want you SO to say/do. Then be clear with your expectations (Told DH I expected to be wished good luck when I left, and asked for highlights when I came back). Then I ask him lots and lots about what he did while I was gone.

It’s a balancing act, for sure. Right now I am struggling with not really having anyone to “talk horses” with face to face --but hunt opens Sunday and I will get my fix! (Mounted Archery season is over as of LAST Sunday).

[Snowdenfarm]

I think the better question is whether they care about you. My husband and I both have interests that the other has zero interest in. Listening to the other talk about it is as interesting as watching paint dry. BUT, we always ask and then show interest in the always too exhaustive descriptions of the activity because we care about each other and we know it is important to them. It wasn’t always this way, we had to have heart-to-heart talks about it. If you cannot go on ad nauseam to your significant other, who can you?

[GraceLikeRain]

Is communication in the relationship amazing and this is truly a weird outlier or does it magnify existing communication issues?

DH does not care about horses but he cares about me. He probably will never be the type to be my ringside groom (he’s also legitimately afraid of them) but he listens attentively, asks about my rides, and hauls me to shows. He may be the guy asleep in the truck once we get there but he gets me there and is my sounding board as I nervously chatter away.

My instinct is that horses are magnifying something within the relationship. Unless she deeply resents your time with horses it seems weird to express absolutely 0 interest in understanding how your time was doing something you love. If she does deeply resent it, using silence rather than communicating doesn’t bode well for the future health of the relationship without steps being taken.

[trubandloki]

I agree with @GraceLikeRain.

Mr. Trub likes animals, so that is his only interest in my horse stuff, that they are big hairy beasts that seem to take more care than anything else in the world. He could care less that I just accomplished X, Y, or Z in my ride today. He pretends to listen as a I babble on about it. (The same level of pretending to listen he gives to everything that is not a topic he brought up.)
Mr. Trub also has a hobby that I am not overly interested in. Like him to me, I say good luck, I make my schedule work if he has something all day happening (so our pets are tended to). But I do not ask him about the details of his hobby. I ask him if he had fun. I tell him I hope he had a great day.

I do not find it weird that a non-horse person could care less that you were jumping an oxer.

[GraceLikeRain]

@trubandloki

He could care less that I just accomplished X, Y, or Z in my ride today. He pretends to listen as a I babble on about it.

To clarify, DH has zero understanding about what I accomplished in my ride but deeply care about how I feel regarding my ride. For example, mare is always spicy after a few days off. I’m dragging my feet heading out telling DH why I’m dreading the inevitable. I come home after, shocker, a less than stellar ride feeling frustrated and venting. Im fussing to myself about her blowing through my inside leg and woods monsters and that’s gobblygook to him. However, when I was done venting he said “I know you expected her to be bad tonight but I’m sorry it was a disappointing ride. You’ve put a lot of work into her and have been having more good rides than bad lately”. That’s all I need. I don’t need someone who gets inside leg to outside rein but someone who cares about my emotions and how my passion impacts my life is critical. If I want to externally process the details he glazes over a bit but always clicks back in when I talk about how I felt or want to process my logic in a next step. It may seem like splitting hairs but I think it’s an important distinction. I don’t understand his hobbies but I care when he talks about frustrations or how a teammate let him down.

OP your partner doesn’t need to know a nose from a tail to be supportive, encouraging, and caring about how your hobby impacts you.

[trubandloki]

@GraceLikeRain, Mr. Trub does that type of thing when I need it too.

Love it when his response includes something that makes it clear he did actually hear something I was talking about on some other day.

[sportyspicepony]

@Foxglove

You might take a look at “Passive Aggressive behavior” because that’s what my DH was doing (I just saw it as he didn’t care --but apparently he did care very much --that I was gone).

Sit down with yourself and ask what you want you SO to say/do. Then be clear with your expectations (Told DH I expected to be wished good luck when I left, and asked for highlights when I came back). Then I ask him lots and lots about what he did while I was gone.

This resonates with me as well! I am the type of person who thrives on being constantly on the go, and horses obviously play a big role in that bc theyre so time consuming.

Normal people have hobbies that don’t take over your life, unlike riding, and often don’t understand or can’t relate to having something this big and important that you live for outside of your career and family. Many people don’t have anything like that in their life at all! Which can definitely result in some resentment or passive aggressive behavior because they don’t understand what it’s like to be so dedicated to something that’s “just a hobby”. So they need to go find that thing for themselves!

This may not apply to you but idk I’ve experienced it more than once, not just with my SO but with close best friends too. I always gravitate towards people now who have a huge passion for something they do bc, I can relate lmao.

[furlong47]

I think if your relationship is otherwise good and the person isn’t trying to stop you from doing the activity you enjoy, sometimes you just have to accept that there are things someone doesn’t care about or understand. My family doesn’t really care about horses or riding. When I show them photos they don’t really understand what they are seeing. A crossrail or a 3 foot oxer probably seems like the same thing. They haven’t seen me ride aside from maybe a few end of summer camp demonstrations 25 years ago.

[islgrl]

I think I’m in the minority but my DH has never asked about my rides/my clinics/my shows and I don’t care. He couldn’t pick either of my horses out of a line up, sometimes I’m not sure he remembers I have two .

But, he never complains about the billion hours I spend with the horses, never complains about the money, and I’m fine with his total lack of interest. He married me knowing the horses were part of my life but also never once indicated they had any interest for him. I will say that when I’ve had a crisis at the barn and need help he will always show up. That’s all ok with me…

[Obsidian_Fire]

You’ve gotten some good answers but I’m going to tell you this is a huge red flag. How long have you been together? Does your SO show any interest in things you are interested in that they are not? Or do they behave as tho it’s not worth the time of day if it is not of interest to them?

I have seen so many relationships go south because of things like this. It works out fine if both partners are genuinely okay with the other having interests outside of each others.
But most of the time, this is not the case. And the non-interested party ends up causing all kinds of problems - pick one, they’ve probably done it.

I will tell you from my own personal experience, we’ve been together 37 years, married 31, and he still to this day could give a rat’s behind about my horse. We’ve had some knock down drag outs over it - not over his lack of interest, but his attitude of “if it doesn’t matter to me it shouldn’t matter to anybody else either”. Eventually, it settled. And things are okay now. But boy howdy for the longest time I wasn’t sure it would. It was a rough road and you need to have a lot of grit to work it out - whichever way you end up.

So just sayin’, think long and hard about whether you can live like this or not.

[S1969]

@TwoSocks

Again, I’m so used to friends not caring, but it almost offends me with my SO. Maybe this is just a vent post, but how do I cope with the fact that my SO doesn’t care?

What else in your life does your SO care about? Hopefully something?

I would consider that before making any snap judgments; but I agree with the general consensus that the SO doesn’t have to care about the actual “hobby/interest/job” etc., but should care that YOU find it important.

So, I think it is reasonable that even a totally disinterested SO should say/ask
“how was it?”
“did you have fun?”
“did you win/do well/not fall off, etc.”

To say/ask nothing at all is weird.

[EventingMaff]

I’m in this camp.

DH has been to the barn…3 times (and i’ts <2 miles from the house) and I’m pretty sure all three times were to hand off / pick up our kid. He could not pick out my dark bay mare if you had a line up with one of each colored horse in it.

The most he’ll comment about my riding is:

• WHen I’m in a foul mood after work, gently suggesting “why don’t you go visit your horse, I’ll do dinner and bedtime with the kid”
• When I come home from the barn in a particularly pleased mood “must have been a good ride!”
• After big clinics or a show “how’d it go” (and then 95% of the time doesn’t actually listen to the answer)

I’ll talk at length about my rides if they were particularly good / bad, but it’s usually to a wall because he’s not actually listening and I’m talking outloud more to process then because I expect him to listen. I’m fine with that, I have my horse friends that I chat meaningfully with about my riding.

In fairness, he talks at length about his hobbies and I could. not. care. So he gets the same level of engagement back from me as I get from him.

It works for us but only because we each know that we are very supportive of one another’s hobbies and are interested in the other person being happy doing them…we just aren’t personally interested in the other’s hobbies ourselves.

[B-burg_Dressage]

Yeah, I would be offended too.

DH didn’t know the first thing about horses when we started dating. He was (is) a little intimidated by their size. Probably doesn’t always love that our schedule and budget factor them in so much.

But he always asks how my ride was. He always asks how “the boys” are doing when I come in from feeding. Always wishes me good luck before a show. Heck, now that the horses are at home he is huge in helping run our little farm. Does he actually know what I’m talking about when I answer? Probably not. But he cares that I’m happy after a good ride or frustrated after a bad one and that’s what matters.

Just like I ask about his golfing. I don’t necessarily listen to the details, but I want to know if he had a good time and was happy. He feels the same about my horses.

[FjordBCRF]

If this was addressed in others responses, my apologies for missing it…how long distance is long distance? How often is SO exposed to the horses in your life? And are there plans to cohabitate? If yes, I think I might be more concerned about the lack of interest as this seems to be a lifestyle and not just a hobby with having your herd at home. If your partner has an issue with any of this, that might be a dealbreaker for anything other than long distance but I don’t know those details.

I was dating a guy when I bought my gelding, and I rode frequently during our relationship but when things flipped to me owning again…he had no idea what was involved and that I like being as involved as I can be. He also isnt an animal person, and definitely not a horse person and could be passive aggressive and jealous about it. My happiness with my horse and new friends didnt sit well with him and I got a lot of “that’s all you talk about is horse and horse people” while he had an open invitation to participate in any capacity, but chose not to. I don’t recommend this dynamic and that relationship ended very soon after pony came into the picture.

My current partner is amazing and a horse-person in progress (HPIP if you will). He loves my gelding and and has a couple other “friends” he has made of the equine variety. When he is at my place which, has been 3-4 days a week for 10 months he comes with me to check on him; were just started to ease into cohabitation and I don’t expect him to come to the barn every time I go (its a 3 minute drive), but he is always welcome to. He will hike with us while I ride on the trails, he helps trail clearing, and we are active with my barn friends…pretty much my best friends at this point even though I’ve only known them for about a year. He knows how to put the halter on and lead him, groom him, and get him out of the pasture. He tells me to tell the pony HI when he is at his place and I go to the barn and asks for pictures. He tell his friends and family about him from time to time too lol. He has taken the time to learn the lingo, went through laminitis and colic with us this year and now knows grass can be dangerous and make them fat which he thought was crazy , and we are starting driving lessons together in a few weeks that he will be involved in too. With all that said, he’s not ridden yet, but he has an open invitation to it when he feels comfortable.

I consider myself hitting the jackpot of people with him for numerous reasons and am very thankful that he takes the interest that he does. With that said, I would be ok with someone that was simply accepting of that part of my life (genuinely so). I wouldn’t be ok with someone that took issue with it and it changed the way they communicate (or don’t) with me. I would suggest maybe the obvious, and ask your SO how they feel? And tell SO how you feel. If taking some interest is important, make sure to communicate that too. There may be something deeper you want to dig into, or SO may just need to be told you would like them to express some interest more often and that’s all it takes.

[Heinz_57]

Did you join a new barn, new trainer and make new barn friends? Or is this the same crowd you rode with before? My first thought was maybe your SO feels a bit insecure about you having a new group of friends to spend so much time with - or maybe they just feel left out of your life in general, and your expressing so much excitement magnifies that.

None of that means you shouldn’t be excited, or disappointed in SO’s reaction. They could truly just be disinterested, distracted, jealous, etc. but either way communication rules and if it’s bothering you it’s worth discussing those feelings.

DH and I both have hobbies that consume us, and we support each other in that.

[Foxglove]

@sportyspicepony --agree with you on friends – I been gloomy the last few days (well, it has been raining a cold hard rain) because I have “no one to talk to,” about my horses --except my horses and they are very slow to speak up.

But I think you are on to something. My friends are all passionate about horses --different kinds and sports, but all passionate about horses. And I am sorry to say, when the horse is sold, or the interest change, I drop the friend --unkind? Maybe, but honestly, grand children are not my favorite topic of conversation, nor are health issues, or the last trip someone took. I want to hear about my friends’ horses --how they are, what they are doing --what’s new in their barn. At very close to 70, my friendship circle is growing smaller --from 8 down to 4. But as I said, the hunt club opens on Sunday and I will be all day with 50 horse-loving people who can ride really well on well-tended and mostly well-trained horses --talk about a breath of fresh air!

And yes, I do try to expand my circle of local horse chums --but most who ride like I do (vigorously -not walk and whine) are young enough to be my grand children!! Miss my old pals, but can’t roll back time.