How to have The Conversation with my husband about his dog...sorry, long!

[JCS]

We have a 13-year-old German Shorthaired Pointer that has been my husband’s best friend since we adopted him 10 years ago. I feel it’s time for him to move on to greener pastures (and several other observers who know the dog have said so to me as well). When I bring it up to my husband, he balks and doesn’t want to discuss it. He keeps saying he will know when it’s time, but I think it’s time NOW. Better a day too early than a day too late, right? He had been saying it would be “time” when the dog became incontinent, but that now is the case already. I have to wash his dog bed every other day or so, and we lock him in the kitchen when we go out so he won’t pee on the carpet.

Here are his issues:

1. Terrible teeth. It’s clearly uncomfortable for him to eat. The vet won’t do a cleaning/pull the bad teeth because…

2. He’s in kidney failure and has liver disease.

3. He has a degenerative condition in his spine that makes it very hard for him to walk. His front end is fine, but his hind end is extremely weak and he has very little control over his back legs. He’s really wobbly and falls down often. Fortunately there doesn’t seem to be any pain, and somehow he can still get up and down the stairs.

4. He’s deaf as a post.

5. I think he’s getting pretty senile. He often seems confused and disoriented, especially if his routine is disrupted. We spent the weekend at my parents’ house and when I took him outside, he spent several minutes walking in a very tiny circle in the driveway until I went and guided him to where the grass was so he could do his business.

6. He has lost a TON of weight. He’s super skinny. It’s extremely hard to get him to eat anything at all. For his weight, he should be eating 4 cans of dog food a day (Wellness brand; he can no longer chew crunchy food so he just gets cans) and we’re lucky if we can get him to eat one or two.

Husband is well aware of all of these issues, and just won’t make the decision that needs to be made. He keeps hoping the dog will pass away in his sleep so he won’t have to do it. I gave him an ultimatum that once it starts getting snowy and icy, we will have to put him down because he simply won’t be able to walk outside in those conditions, and he agreed with that, but I sort of feel like that’s still too long to wait. Advice on what I can do here? It’s ultimately not MY dog, it’s his dog, and I don’t want to be too pushy and end up having him feel like I made him kill his dog. But it’s getting hard to watch his decline.

[paulaedwina]

I think you can’t force a person to this place. He’ll get there eventually on his own. You’ll just have to be patient and supportive I think. It’s not about logic at this stage, it’s about feeling.

Paula

[Kanza]

Maybe your husband can learn from my husbands similiar experience. We owned a wonderful dog for 11 years but she was really his dog. He also could not make the decision even with my gentle prodding. In the end, because she was in distress and dying and because we could not find a vet at 2 in the morning, my husband had to put his own dog down. He would not let me stay with him but I know that is a memory burned into his brain forever and I know he wishes she had had a more peaceful end with a vets assistance. I wish I had been more forceful with him so that the dogs last hour was not so awful.

[Arcadien]

I agree you’re just going to have to wait for now - it doesn’t sound like the old guy is in major discomfort or fear - if that were the case I’d agree it’s time to put some pressure on.

But for now, it just seems your husband isn’t quite ready to face losing his old friend yet, and no harm in having the old dude totter around a bit longer - some extra cleaning, special arrangements for going outside, but that can be managed for a little while, right?

I can understand your husbands dilemma as I was recently there - my dog had got to where I knew no one would blame me for euthanising but I just.wasn’t.ready to say goodbye yet. Weeks passed along, and then finally, one day, I felt I was ready.

Has your husband ever had to take a dog to put down before? If its the first time for him this could be even harder.

Can you arrange to have the vet come to your house? That made it easier for me to face, in the end.

All I think you can do now is support husband in what is undoubtedly a painful time for him, keep an eye on the old guy and make sure he doesn’t pass in to major suffering stage, help with the final arrangements when the time finally arrives.

[MMorgan]

So sorry that you’re going through this. I echo Paulaedwina’s sentiments, your husband needs support and understanding as he tries to spend what little time he has left with his buddy. The fact that he agreed that the dog will have to be PTS before the winter shows that he’s being realistic and putting the dog’s well being at the fore.

[Bicoastal]

[QUOTE=JCS;5859664]
He keeps hoping the dog will pass away in his sleep so he won’t have to do it.[/QUOTE]

I have heard this before.Horrifies me at the selfishness of it. This is one of the most frustrating things I witnessed again and again: pets suffering because owners refuse to let go. Selfish and immature :mad:.

That said, I don’t think there is anything you can do to push hubby further. Except: don’t do.

Do not clean up after the dog. Do not sit on the floor holding finest selection of deli meat in front of the old man’s muzzle. Do not cradle his hind end with a towel to help him walk outside. I know, I know. But if this is 100% hubby’s dog and 100% hubby’s decision, hubby needs to take 100% responsibility. Don’t enable hubby to eek out more time if you think it contributes to the dog’s suffering.

That’s what I would try very hard to do -at least when hubby was looking. Give the old man lots of scritches for me. Then wash your hands but not the dog bed! Leave that for hubby.

[MunchingonHay]

I would call the vet and have a conversation about the dog’s health, vet will most likely be on the same page you are. Then arrange a meeting with vet and hubby so the vet can tell the hubby that the dog is rioting from the inside out, that this is NO way to live, that even if the dog is not in pain, dog is still suffering.

I went though 2 years of cushings issues with my dog, very similar to what you are going though with your dog; weight loss, lack of appetite, muscle deterioration, could not walk on his own soiling his bed everyday. My boyfriend (who had only known the dog for a year) did not want me to put him down, but I could not take it watching my dog suffer anymore. I primed the vet to be as bold and honest with my BF and he then finally understood what the dog was going though that I had been seeing all this time.

your hubby needs to take the rose colored glasses off for the sake of the dog. He is being very selfish, like my BF, to keep the dog going just so he does to hurt, or feel like the bad guy for putting him to sleep.

and if the dog is HIS dog, she should be the one to have to clean up after him. stand firm, you can do it.

[oliverreed]

I agree 100% with Bicoastal and share his/her anger. I cannot STAND people who refuse to do the right thing by their animal when the animal is clearly suffering because of their own selfishness/guilt/avoidance/whatever.

[jetsmom]

[QUOTE=MunchingonHay;5859834]
I would call the vet and have a conversation about the dog’s health, vet will most likely be on the same page you are. Then arrange a meeting with vet and hubby so the vet can tell the hubby that the dog is rioting from the inside out, that this is NO way to live, that even if the dog is not in pain, dog is still suffering.

I went though 2 years of cushings issues with my dog, very similar to what you are going though with your dog; weight loss, lack of appetite, muscle deterioration, could not walk on his own soiling his bed everyday. My boyfriend (who had only known the dog for a year) did not want me to put him down, but I could not take it watching my dog suffer anymore. I primed the vet to be as bold and honest with my BF and he then finally understood what the dog was going though that I had been seeing all this time.

your hubby needs to take the rose colored glasses off for the sake of the dog. He is being very selfish, like my BF, to keep the dog going just so he does to hurt, or feel like the bad guy for putting him to sleep.

and if the dog is HIS dog, she should be the one to have to clean up after him. stand firm, you can do it.[/QUOTE]

This^^^^. Get the vet to talk to him.

Also, ask your husband if he would want to be around, soiling himself and no longer having any dignity. Very few pets pass peacefully in their sleep. Instead, they suffer. If he loves the dog, an easy passing is the last gift he can give him.

[Burbank]

ask your husband how he thinks the dog is doing, does the dog look happy, is he having good pain free days and try to make he think about how the dog is feeling, I was lucky my husband and I were on the same page about when it was time but that doesn’t always happen

[SkipHiLad4me]

I can totally relate as my brother is going through a very similar situation with his old pup. I hadn’t see the dog in several weeks until just this weekend. I was shocked at how rapidly his condition has declined. He was diagnosed recently with kidney failure but he’s been having health issues for a while. The poor dog looks like a little skeleton walking around and although he will come say hi and wag his tail, he is a mere shell of the vibrant, bright eyed dog he used to be. I’ve known this dog his entire life and love him as if he is my own, but it really hurts me to see him in such a condition and without the desire or ability to do the things he’s always loved to do. It’s time to let him go before things get even worse for him but I know my brother will wait until the last possible moment. He just won’t let himself accept that his dog is old and sick.

I’m with the others who say that maybe its best to turn the care of the dog over to your husband. Explain to him that you can’t bear to see him in the condition he is in - it’s not fair - and that you’d just prefer if your husband would take over. It’s very possible that if he’s forced to face the reality of every day life for his dog (the trouble eating, the accidents, the disorientation, etc) that it will become more obvious to him that this is not the quality of life his dog would choose for himself. Good luck to you :sadsmile:

[SMF11]

Look, people make the decision to euthanize a pet at many different points. Some do it sooner, some do it later. Sometimes it is too soon and sometimes it is too late. We all just do the best we can.

I completely disagree with those saying not to help, or not to support the husband. I also don’t think an ultimatum is the way to go. If my husband, who is not an animal person, tried to intervene in any way on a decision like this I don’t know what I’d do, but it wouldn’t be pretty.

He loves his dog! You could try speaking to him along these lines: “We both love Bowser, and we both want what is best for him. The reason I keep talking about putting him down is because I’ve seen what can happen when people wait too long. I don’t want him to suffer, and neither do you. His health is only going one way – down hill. When do you think it is the right time to put him down?”

In other words, try to have a real conversation (not an ultimatum!) and listen to what he says.

[Alagirl]

I was lucky to have been out of town when hubby’s dog took a turn for the worst.
Sadly he could not bear to be with her in her final moments…

[shakeytails]

@Bicoastal;5859812

I have heard this before.Horrifies me at the selfishness of it. This is one of the most frustrating things I witnessed again and again: pets suffering because owners refuse to let go. Selfish and immature :mad:.

Yes it is selfish and immature. BUT, that decision is so hard to make. DH and I waited too long ONCE. I still hate myself for not euthanizing sooner. It was a very difficult learning experience. I won’t (and haven’t) repeated that mistake.

[JCS]

Thanks everyone. I knew there would be lots of opinions on this. For the record, I am not going to stop taking care of the dog. My husband and I share the workload on our farm, and we both take care of the dog. There’s no way I’m going to stop cleaning up after him and stop trying to get him to eat. To a large extent he is my dog as well… I just feel strongly that the ultimate decision needs to be my husband’s. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to do my best to keep the dog as comfortable as possible in the meantime.

He’s not in pain, I don’t think… I know his mouth was very uncomfortable, but we gave him a course of antibiotics that seems to have knocked back the infection for now (although that’s just a band-aid). I’m leaning toward listening to those who say to back off and let him come to the decision in his own time. I just fear that he may wait too long and we’ll end up in a crisis. He has already talked to our vet about coming to the house, and has made plans for cremation, so I know he is thinking about it and is very aware that the day is coming soon. Sigh. This stuff is hard. I’m terrified for the day I will have to make the call for one of my horses.

[Alagirl]

Stock up on the dogs most favorite treat!

[shea_smom]

I also would not stop helping with the dog. it does sound like husband is coming to terms.
last monday, I took my old girl in to confirm that she had cancer. Vet recommended putting her to sleep but said it was up to me and he didn’t think she was suffering badly. I brought her home, but friday was her day. Still not suffering, but she was ready to go.
One suggestion, ask him if he would like you to do it for him. Some people can’t face it and men seem to have a harder time. They want to fix things and women seem to accept it better.
Hugs to all of you.

[MsM]

I think the vet really needs to be involved in this. Does the vet believe the dog is suffering? Sometimes when a pet is failing it is more painful for the humans to deal with than it is for the pet. The dog may be senile enough to not mind the life it is living, even if it doesnt seem like much of a life to us. OTOH, dogs can also hide their pain and distress, especially when someone doesnt want to see it.

My suggestion would be to schedule an appointment with the vet to discuss the dogs condition and what you should look for in making the decision. Then at least you and hubby have heard the same information and options.

It is such a difficult time.

[danceronice]

It sounds like he’s accepted what’s coming, he just doesn’t want it to be now. And I always disagree with the ‘better too soon’ thing, as there’s no changing your mind. Dead is forever.

[lovey1121]

Another poster a while ago had a similar crisis, and she also needed to head out of town for the weekend, thus leaving Dear Dog in Dear Husband’s sole care. As I recall, the realization of what his beloved dog was living with each day, and how much he had deteriorated, sunk in even before she left on her trip. If there is a way to tactfully arrange circumstances so that you are away even half a day, so that DH can truly see his dog and mourn his coming passage alone, and grieve as he needs to without anyone around, he may come around. He just needs the solo access, to be able to process and mourn. He’s a man, and they just do things differently.
So sorry for both of you.