Has anyone managed to successfully leave their longtime lesson/boarding barn and go to another local barn? And do it without burning bridges and still have the door slightly open so you could go back there in the future if needed?
If so, how did you do it?
We’re thinking about making a move (teen daughter is the one who ridesbut the horse community is pretty small so it has to be done gently so we don’t ruffle any feathers. We’re going to have to see the old barn people at shows.
Certainly it can be done. You thank the old barn for all you’ve learned, etc, and say that you’re leaving for “new opportunities” or some such.
Timing is important, as is why you’re leaving. You indicate that you might be open to returning at some point, which means it’s not all bad…
More details might make your situation more clear. But in general, be as up front as possible, pay for the whole last month/billing period, follow the terms of any contract you’re in, and be appreciative of the barn you’re leaving, and folks tend to be ok with it. IME.
I agree with this. Be honest and give proper notice. Sneaking around or if it becomes gossip before the barn owner is aware creates problems.
Also, be sure to always speak positively about your past barn if others ask. Whatever negatives you feel about that barn are no one’s business. And the first show you go to when the old barn is there, walk right up to the old trainer and say how glad you are to see them.
If you can give a reason for leaving that shows it’s not because you’re dissatisfied with current barn, that can help to make it feel less personal, too (example: circumstances have changed and the commuting distance to current barn is too long for now).
Whether the door can truly be left open depends a lot on the personalities involved, but I think it does generally go better than we expect it will, especially at larger barns where some level of turnover is expected, and the clients aren’t seen as “friends” to the same degree as they might be at a small, private boarding barn.
Bigtime this. OP, if you’re polite with your departure and the bridge burns anyways because the BO takes it personal, don’t beat yourself up. There’s so much passion involved in horses that it’s hard for some people to see it as a business and not take things personally.
I feel like you got a lot of good advice here. I feel so grateful to currently be in a barn that is a fabulous barn family with little to no ego. We had a couple ladies leave for a barn a bit further up the highway that is SUPER fancy. So the reason for leaving was the upgraded amenities. We had another lady leave for a barn a mile down the same grid road because it was a bit less expensive (but doesn’t have an indoor arena which is a major factor when you have 6 months of winter). We had a few folks move when they were able to move their horses home (got their properties set up) which we were all thrilled for them about. No one got upset at any of these moves because they were good situations for both horse and rider. We still are good friends when we see each other out and about.
There has only ever had kinda sorta hard feelings about one person who left in the 6 years I’ve been here. And the hard feelings were because they burned bridges by talking poorly about the barn and people. That situation very quickly became “good riddance” but I’d say we’re all happy enough to be mature acquaintances when we run into them. Honestly, they moved to a barn that was better suited to their needs and expectations, so it’s considered a win all around.
Pay your bills, be respectful, and share some of your reasons for moving. Thank the barn team for their care and support, and when you bump into them at shows or out and about seek them out to say hello and perhaps even comment on something you miss about the old place.
Good luck with the move!
Echoing all the above posters, some good advice!
I get that it’s stressful to bring up the conversation. We have a local barn where the BO is very protective (… or catty, to be less polite) about her clients. Not one person has ever been able to leave her barn without burning a bridge regardless of the reason.
Does everyone who leaves this current barn burn a bridge? If so, there’s probably a common denominator and it’s likely not the clients.
This is very true. Years ago we were at a barn. It was a WP/QH (mostly palominos) breeding barn. We had a young gray TB mare that we were training as a jumper. We knew we were there only temporarily. There was NO turnout. So it was never a good fit, but we enjoyed our time there and got along with the owners. It was a farm where I had ridden for lessons as a kid years prior. When a spot opened up at another farm we had been on the wait list for, we told the current owners. The wife had tears in her eyes, and never spoke another word to us again. We used to take her grandson to get ice cream, etc. But she knew this wasn’t a permanent barn for us. It struck us as really strange. We tried to stay friendly and professional – it didn’t seem to matter. We were completely ignored from that day on.
Sometimes horse people are just strange.
I moved to a barn for law school. Told them “I’m just here for law school. I’m moving back home after I graduate.” They knew home was 10+ hours away. When I was graduating I gave notice and they were PISSED I was leaving. Guilt tripped me hard about how they were counting on my horses to stay. Like… what did you THINK was going to happen? I don’t plan to live in this state anymore and you KNOW that? I’ve been telling you this for three years!
Great advice above.
Keep in mind – The tone of communications is everything. Keep your voice and writing style upbeat and also matter-of-fact. A “nothing personal” approach.
And, don’t take it personally yourself if the other party does get upset. You can be sympathetic “I can imagine these changes are hard” but don’t reflect back any upset feelings. That can be hard, sometimes you have to regulate your own emotions.
If there is a reaction that is in any way hostile, even just snippy, don’t react. Just don’t answer at all. Let it fade into the ether as if it didn’t happen. When you see the person at another time, speak and behave as if the two of you have maintained the best of slightly distant relations. You have the power to make what other people do go away – or at least, you can hold that belief. 
And – all of the above advice is to save you. In the end, we can deliver a message as palatably as possible, but we can’t control how other people react, think, feel, say things. Sometimes maintaining a bit of emotional distance is a good thing.
These situations are tough because we want to be able to do more beyond our current relationships, without hurting feelings, or creating social awkwardness all the way around. But we have to face up to all of that or stay trapped in the same place.
A few other things to keep in mind that are brought up on COTH from time to time:
You have only one trainer, barn owner/manager, at a time. But your trainer and BO/M has many clients. Yours is a one-to-one relationship that can seem more important to you than it is to the other party. This is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned in the horse world.
You are far from the first student/boarder/client who wanted to move, and did move. Your Trainer/BO/M has been down this road before. She knows how to get over it.
Can you quietly find out how your Tr/BO/M has reacted in the past when these moves happen? She may have a history that you can be prepared for - good or bad. It’s always a bit of a wrench when a student wants to leave, even if the other party is objectively understanding about it.
The Tr/BO/M also needs to be concerned about burning her bridges with you. As you say, it is a small community and you’ll be in each other’s presence from time to time. Even if you don’t reconnect again for services. No professionally-minded Tr/BO/M wants a lot of drama and gossip floating around their work community – that is, if they are a mature adult. If they aren’t mature and professional about it, that’s something useful to know for keeping a distance through the future.
Be prepared for Tr/BO/M to offer to make a change to try to keep you on board. Probably unlikely, but it could happen. I don’t know what, as you aren’t going to give her specific details for moving (it opens the door for this offer and can trap you into staying when you didn’t want to). But be ready with your answer “oh thank you so much, I will keep that in mind, we’re going to go ahead with our plans to move because this is right for us now”. Or whatever answer fits your wants, needs and plans.
Be prepared for your Tr/BO/M to cheerfully say “OK bye !!!” as if she’s glad to see you leave! 
Very, very doubtful that happens. But don’t get your feelings hurt (much) if she doesn’t seem distressed at all about you going. Don’t assume anything is behind it, until you know. It’s never what we assume it is! 
Tr/BO/M will fill your open space after you leave. Nothing about you leaving is a dire situation for her. She moves on, just as you do.
Always hard to make these moves. But keep looking to the future that you want, and moving forward.
I ran a boarding barn for many years, so experienced this. One, be honest and give appropriate notice so they don’t hear it from gossip/another source and they have time to fill the stall. Two, if you have a reason to leave that shows it’s not the personality/care, share it. I never got upset when people’s situation changed (ie horse needed to semi retire so they didn’t need the extras…or they switched work location and commute was a factor, or even that kiddo was getting more into showing and wanted a barn that did a certain circuit). This is part of the business and if you can’t accept people have different needs, then you shouldn’t be in the business!
Lastly…if you think you might want to go back at some point, mention that. And, most important, continue to share positive word of mouth. I always said that I never got upset that someone left…but if I heard gossip come back that their horse wasn’t cared for…that burned a bridge for me (my boarder’s horses were treated like my own and quality/safe care was always the most important aspect of the horses in my barn). Word of mouth still is a large part of running a business, so if you continue to support them through positive comments in the community, chances are you could return at some point.
This is one of the most important points for any boarder/student/client to keep in mind, imo. Their needs, personal and riding, are just as important as anything the professional has going on.
My trainer took it harder than I thought she would. I worked a few hours for her several days a week, had a horse boarded there in training and also hauled in occasionally with the other. I told her I was moving my mare to try dressage since her legs weren’t going to hold up to jumping on a regular basis.
At first she acted like it was no big deal, but right before I left she told me to be careful not to become known as a “barn hopper”. Oh ok, I’ve been here for years and just now moving so I think I’m covered in not being a barn hopper. After that when I’d haul in for huntseat lessons I definitely got the cold shoulder. Other riders noticed it too. After awhile I stopped training with her.
I think sometimes it’s taken personally and there’s nothing you can do about how the other person feels, so be polite, friendly and do your own thing. You may not be able to go back.
If you are sane, considerate and honest you shouldn’t ruffle any feathers with a psychologically normal barn owner or trainer.
However, if you already know that this person has toxic traits that come out when clients “reject” or “abandon” or “betray” her, if this person shit talks past clients or has a litany of those who Done Her Wrong over the years, then she will do it to you in turn. And there is nothing you can do to stop it.
Do you currently own a horse boarded there or is DD just a lesson client on a school or part lease horse?
The best predictor of how to leave a barn (assuming current trainers are not disfunctional) is what kind of client you have been. If you have been straightforward and trustworthy, the departure will go well, moreso than for clients who have been gossipy and petty. Just keep on being straightforward and trustworthy.
You have gotten some really good advice and I would add in a couple of things.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to treat this relationship like what it is , a BUSINESS relationship. If you go in and act like professional and kind you should do alright.
( Again this assumes your horse professional is kind and professional and not a toxic person) .
omg, I don’t own, but I have seen this exact same thing happen at several barns. Client with multiple horses leaves because they are moving to another state for a job/school, and the barn owner still gets mad and acts like the person leaving is deliberately picking their pocket.
It’s so bizarre. I know some people lack empathy and perspective, but this is next level in terms of a tiny worldview. “Person who leaves barn and no longer pays me money=automatically evil because it inconveniences me.”
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